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Week of 05/20/22

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Spoof of the Pennsylvania Senatorial Primary with Mehmet Oz as a Stealer receiver reaching out for a pass as he's being tackled from behind.Trump urges Oz to ‘declare victory’ before vote tally complete in Pa.
–– And dub self Wizard of Emerald City.

Republican Panic Grows After Mastriano Wins
–– GOPeeing pants.

Trump taints Pennsylvania GOP Senate primary with fresh fraud lies
–– How do you taint pile of manure?

Here’s where Trump’s endorsement record stands so far.
–– Because we in media can’t quit this scumbag.

‘I Never Ran Over Anyone With a Car and I Never Hit Anyone in the Head With a Frying Pan,’ Says Actual GOP Primary Winner
–– Only two questions you need to answer to run in North Carolina.

Madison Cawthorn loses his re-election bid after a deluge of scandals.
–– Always was delugeonal.

Giuliani testifies before House January 6 committee for nine hours, sources say
–– Those poor bastards.

Right-wing attorney who challenged election results says Trump wrote him handwritten notes
–– ‘Couldn’t make head nor tail out of them, but I recognized that signature.’

Judge says CDC can't end the Title 42 rule that allows for quick expulsion of migrants
–– Gives low grade on deportment.

Canceling student debt would be 'very unfair' and favor those who make 'lots of money in their lifetime,' former Fed Chair Bernanke says
–– Debt reckoning.

Biden Invokes Defense Powers in a Bid to Ease Formula Shortage
–– Suck on that.

Analysis of Hunter Biden's hard drive shows he, his firm took in about $11 million from 2013 to 2018, spent it fast
–– After converting to hard rock currency.

White House working towards first presidential meeting with Saudi Arabia, which Biden had vowed to make a 'pariah'
–– Pariah offense.

Finland says Russia is cutting off natural gas supplies
–– Locals will need to eat way more lutefisk to produce own.

On a Russian talk show, a retired colonel stuns his colleagues by pointing out that the invasion isn’t going well.
–– As he tases them.

Russia needs cars, so it’s rebooting this Soviet-era brand
–– And world needs laughs.

McDonald’s seeks to sell Russian business that is ‘no longer tenable’
–– Was already undigestible.

George W. Bush called Iraq war ‘unjustified and brutal.’ He meant Ukraine.
–– Out of the mouths of boobs.

Russian oligarchs loved luxe Sardinia. Now they’re frozen out of paradise.
–– Can barely afford sardines.

Russian Hacking Cartel Attacks Costa Rican Government Agencies
–– Got some muy caliente chilera recipes.

Fiona Hill says Putin got 'frustrated many times' with Trump because the Russian leader 'had to keep explaining things' to him
–– Like how to apply man boob lube.

A former Trump advisor on Russia recalled that Putin smelled odd and neither ate nor drank at dinner
–– Yet insisted having diaper changed hourly.

Top Ukraine sniper compares taking out Russians to going on Safari
–– Claims they’re cheap dates.

Exclusive: Trevor Reed details surviving horrendous conditions in Russian psychiatric treatment facility
–– Where Putin's generals are trained.

Why Biden hasn’t killed Trump’s China tariffs and made imports cheaper
–– Didn't want to hurt imports' feelings.

Two Secret Service staffers sent home from Seoul ahead of Biden's arrival
–– How about Seoul survivors?

Census Likely Miscounted the Population of 14 States, a Review Finds
–– Wait, make that 15…

Clarence Thomas calls out John Roberts as Supreme Court edges closer to overturning Roe v. Wade
–– In knife fight.

Nebraska GOP governor says he will call a special session to pass total abortion ban if Roe is overturned
–– Corn Roe law.

CPAC Head Promotes Abortion Ban to Stave Off ‘Great Replacement’
–– How could you replace genius like him?

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez gets engaged to longtime partner Riley Roberts
–– Both will be Left at altar.

Mayor Adams Unveils Program to Address Dyslexia in N.Y.C. Schools
–– To address as 'Dylsexia.'

Black Lives Matter cofounder used $840,000 of the group's funds to pay her brother for 'security services'
–– Green lives matter, too.

‘Flash’ star Ezra Miller shuts down police officer for improper pronoun use, bodycam footage shows
–– Is ‘asshole’ gendered?

Jason Momoa apologizes after taking photos in the Sistine Chapel
–– Asked to get up, stop reaching finger heavenward, put pants back on.

Lisa Marie Presley believes late son would have loved 'Elvis' movie
–– Producers find their audience.

Amber Heard denies defecating in Johnny Depp marital bed: 'That's disgusting'
–– Like entire trial isn’t.

Amber Heard said James Franco made a late-night visit to her apartment after a fight with Johnny Depp because she 'exhausted' her support network
–– Now we are all her support network.

Amber Heard Claims Her 'Aquaman 2' Role Was Lessened Amid Johnny Depp Legal Battle
–– Or editor watched performance.

In Court, Johnny Depp and Amber Heard Dress to Suggest
–– And suck cess.

Millie Bobby Brown Looks Unrecognizable as a Blonde at 'Stranger Things' S4 Premiere
–– Or an Earthling.

Netflix Hit By Layoffs; About 150 Mostly U.S.-Based Employees Affected
–– Netflix and chilled.

Ava DuVernay’s ‘Wings Of Fire’ Animated Series Adaptation Not Moving Forward At Netflix
–– Try feathers next time.

Natalie Portman’s Bulked-Up Thor Look Knocks Out the Internet
–– How many inches to diminutive height did she pack on?

Mike Tyson Joins Sean Penn in Paramedic Thriller ‘Black Flies’
–– Expected to chew ear off for advice.

Nobody Makes Films Like Alex Garland. But He Might Stop Making Them.
–– Because no one watches them.

Jemima Kirke Talks Daytime Sex, Polyamory, and Putting Out on the First Date
–– Anti Jemima.

Kathy Griffin, 61, shows off ‘sexy body’ in sports bra and granny panties: ‘We are not afraid of our bodies’
–– We are.

Camila Cabello's Underboob-Baring Bra Top Shows Off Her Strong Abs
–– Oh, that’s what it’s for.

Chelsea Handler Goes Topless In Wild Farewell To Ellen DeGeneres
–– Shimmies, provides mammarian standing O..

Brad Paisley says Ellen DeGeneres ‘changed TV’: ‘I remember the buzz’
–– From flies around his head.

Maye Musk becomes oldest Sports Illustrated Swimsuit cover model
–– Looks, um, musky.

Sports Illustrated Swimsuit features its 1st Indigenous model: 'I'm a strong, empowered and fearless woman making history'
–– Callingbull on that?

Is Cannes Destined to Become Next COVID Super-Spreader?
–– ‘Cause it won’t be CULTURE.

Cannes: Is the Film Industry Really Ready to Embrace NFTs?  
–– If idiots will pay…

Cannes Diary: Why Tom Cruise Is Our Biggest — and Most Elusive — Movie Star
–– It’s way he runs.

Tom Cruise on Why He Endangers His Life for Stunts: ‘No One Asked Gene Kelly, ‘Why Do You Dance?”
–– “When it could clearly get you killed.”

Cannes: Topless Protester Disrupts 'Three Thousand Years of Longing' Red Carpet
–– Provided three thousand seconds of yawning.

Erotic Love Story '99 Moons' Attracts First Buyers as Film Premieres in Cannes
–– Must’ve been quite a back-end deal.

Meg Stalter Skipped Straight From the Internet to “Hacks”
–– Clearly no acting lessons.

What Jon Stewart Learned About Fart Jokes From George Carlin
–– He cracked 'em.

Dave Chappelle's alleged attacker charged with attempted murder in unrelated stabbing
–– Had taken another stab at it.

Netflix is showing the limits of ‘woke capital’
–– Is that why we sleep through most of shows?

Man Ray's Iconic Portrait of Kiki de Montparnasse Is Now the Most Expensive Photo Ever Sold at Auction
–– Buyers into sex and violins.

Tiger Woods Is Struggling at the P.G.A. Championship
–– We’re struggling to care.

Justin Thomas 'blown away' by high prices of beer and food at 2022 PGA Championship
–– Takes chips shot.

A fan caught 2 home run balls ... in the same inning?!
–– In the same mouth?!!

MLB Reporter Kelsey Wingert Hit in the Head by 95 MPH Line Drive at Rockies Game
–– Has Rox in head.

Buffalo shooting suspect indicted on charges related to Tops massacre
–– Will not be getting own trading card.

House, Acting After Buffalo Rampage, Moves to Combat Domestic Terrorism
–– Ayes White shut.

Congress Is Paralyzed on Guns. Here’s Why Chris Murphy Is Still Hopeful.
–– Doesn't realize it's rigor mortis.

U.S. Gun Production Triples Since 2000, Fueled by Handgun Purchases
–– Owners now buying for pets.

3 high school graduations across the U.S. end with gunfire in less than 24 hours
–– Were there trigger warnings?

The House Passed a Resolution Condemning Anti-Semitism. It Wasn’t Unanimous.
–– There was bisl of tsuris.

National Guard Officer Allowed to Retire After Motorboating a Subordinate
–– And mishandling flotation devices.

'Casanova Scammer’ admits to stealing $1 million from women on dating apps
–– Lotsa 'Gullible Juliets.'

The Fight to Decouple Sex From Marriage
–– Isn’t usual fight over coupling?

Mercedes just sold the world's most expensive car for $142 million
–– Threw in Garfield car window toy.

The Feminist Case for Breast Reduction
–– NY Times: All the T&A that’s fit to print.

Indian couple sue only son for not giving them grandchildren
–– Incredible he wouldn't want to expand that gene pool.

$27 beers push New York airports to crack down on concessions prices
–– Brewskis big on consumer protection.

Here’s what the Outback Steakhouse of the future looks like
–– Because you’ll never set foot in one.

Coke's new bottle cap doesn't come off
–– Taste never came off.

Pizza has a delivery problem
–– Life of Pie.

Taco Bell's Mexican Pizza finally returns to menus
–– After long journey through sewers.

Stop throwing out your watermelon rinds
–– Old Gallagher needs them for scaled-down Sledge-O-Matic routine.

What researchers discovered about iPhones in low-power mode
–– They're noticeably less sexy.

Dolphins were spotted in 2009 doing something unusual. A new study sheds light on the reasons behind it
–– Though nobody really understands Bitcoin they created.

Scientists Uncover a Shady Web of Online Spider Sales
–– Who spun that creepy-crawly head?

Searchers find missing hiker dead, his dog alive next to him: "Far, far away from civilization"
–– Dog had ‘mischievous grin.’

What is monkeypox, the rare virus now confirmed in the U.S. and Europe?
–– Curse invoked by Hanuman.

Archaeologists in Egypt Unearth 4,300-Year-Old Tomb of Man Who Handled His Pharaoh’s ‘Secret Documents’
–– Which sounds like euphemism if ever there was one.

Boeing launches Starliner astronaut capsule on uncrewed test mission
–– Is crude test mission…

Down two thrusters, Boeing’s Starliner docks with space station
–– …and barely unscrewed.

NASA recorded a black hole’s song, and you can listen to it
–– Ironically, on Sun Records.

A Probe In Interstellar Space Is Sending Back Impossible Data, NASA Says
–– Is that like Impossible Burger?

A Geologist Has Found Part Of A Lost Ocean That Existed Long Before The Atlantic
–– Or is it just bucket of cloudy water he says is.

Pollution kills 9 million people per year, study says
–– Does them dirty.

Opinion I glued my hand to a Starbucks counter. Here’s why.
–– That damned sticky sweet Caramel Ribbon Crunch Frappuccino.

Can You Even Call Deadly Heat ‘Extreme’ Anymore?
–– You have our permission.

Texans asked to turn up thermostats after sweltering heat knocks six power plants offline
–– Hell should be hot.

Blackouts possible this summer due to heat and extreme weather, officials warn
–– And inability of utilities to do job they're paid billions for.

'The View' Hosts Turn Up Their Noses at 'Ridiculous' NPR 'Snitch Hotline' for Non-Maskers
–– Mock unmasking unmasked?

Fauci says 'no' to serving under Donald Trump should he win a second term
–– Frankly one of our lesser concerns if that happens.

Overwhelmed health departments are hard-pressed to spend Covid cash for underserved
–– How about undeserved?

Porn star Logan Long dead at 34 after health battle
–– Long comes up short.

Vangelis, Oscar-winning composer of ‘Chariots of Fire’ theme, dies at 79
–– The wages of synth.

Ray Scott, Creator of the Super Bowl of Bass Fishing, Dies at 88
–– Gets reel.

Rosmarie Trapp of the ‘Sound of Music’ Family Dies at 93
–– Death Trapp.

Roger Angell, Revered Baseball Essayist, Dies at 101
–– Angell in the outfield.