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Grand Old Party Hearty
Week of 04/01/22

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Cawthorn’s orgies-and-drugs comment stirs trouble within Freedom Caucus
–– But what could be freer?

Why ‘The Power of the Dog’ Got Dogged (Column)
–– It’s a dog?

Congressman Madison Cawthorn under fire over claims of DC drugs and orgies
–– Which no one invited us to!

McCarthy: Cawthorn had ‘no evidence’ for orgy allegations, has ‘got to turn himself around’
–– ‘Just spin that chair in another direction. Or maybe do some of those incredible flips I’ve seen online.’

Madison Cawthorn Now Blames DC Cocaine And Orgy Claims On 'The Left And The Media'
–– Dealers, madams obviously libtards.

Russian troops have withdrawn from Chernobyl, says Ukrainian nuclear operator
–– After glowing reviews.

Ukrainian woman whose village was stormed by Russian troops says they wore her clothes, stole money, and drunkenly shot off her husband's leg
–– In wild episode of RuPaul's Drag Race Kyiv.

Independent Russian newspaper Novaya Gazeta suspends publication after second warning
–– Alternative was daily pin-up of shirtless Putin.

Chelsea owner Ro­man Abramovich, Ukrainian peace negotiators reportedly showed signs of poisoning
–– Life during reign of Putingula.

'Color me skeptical': CNN military analyst discusses Russian strategy shift
–– With skeptic pencil?

With Eyes on Russia, the U.S. Military Prepares for an Arctic Future
–– Watering eyes protected by ski goggles.

Russian soldiers appear to be fixing makeshift cages to the turrets of their tanks in a crude effort to protect themselves against Ukraine's anti-tank missiles
–– Using condoms on heads to protect against 'Nazism.'

Biden’s off-the-cuff remark on Putin sends shock waves on dramatic final day of trip
–– Vlad out mean.

American officials scrambled to clarify Biden’s suggestion that Putin ‘cannot remain in power.’
–– How about 'should not?'

Auction House Owned by Russians Tries to Distance Itself From War
–– Bid off more then they can chew.

4 ways China is quietly making life harder for Russia
–– 3. Refusing to translate takeout menus in Cyrillic alphabet.

Mitch McConnell’s Confederate Flag Photo Resurfaces as He Announces He Will Oppose Ketanji Brown Jackson’s Supreme Court Confirmation
–– As latest fappening leak includes pic of him railing pig atop Stars and Bars.

Trump’s Missing Phone Records Have a Familiar Stink of Criminality
–– Of course, could just be him.

John Bolton calls out Trump over burner phones remark
–– Call impossible to trace.

Trump Touts 'Massive' Turnout At Georgia Rally That Journalists Say Was 'Smallest' In Years
–– Also claims members all ‘stayed erect.’

Trump Tells Member Of Gays For Trump At Mar-a-Lago: 'You Don't Look Gay'
–– Nobody’s happy to see him.

Trump attacked Ketanji Brown Jackson for being 'disrespectful' to GOP senators who 'nicely' asked questions at Supreme Court confirmation hearings
–– Be nice to mentally disabled!

Cory Booker Calls GOP Treatment of Judge Jackson ‘Beyond the Pale,’ Defends Kavanaugh’s Treatment
–- Actually, paleness has lot to do with it.

Marjorie Taylor Greene, a Professional Bigot, Tells Pete Buttigieg Stay Out of Girls’ Bathrooms
–– Got her degree at KKKU.

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas' wife, Ginni, is Hillary Clinton on steroids
–– Well, she is a bit beefy but…

Group Wanted to Kidnap Michigan Governor and Block Biden’s Election, Plotter Says
–– Until they realized blackmail for MI governor amounted to $25, I Love Lansing bumper sticker.

Nebraska Congressman to Resign After Being Found Guilty of Lying to F.B.I.
–– About illegal campaign donation, so Trump will likely hire him.

Fox Nation’s Lara Logan Suggests Theory of Evolution Is a Hoax Funded by Jews
–– Theory she is doing her best to disprove.

Ron DeSantis Is Threatening Disney With Regulations Because It Spoke Out Against Florida's Anti-LBGTQ Law
–– Calls seven dwarves ‘nancy boys.’

Is a recession coming? Alan Greenspan says the answer is in men's underwear
–– Or his Depends.

Oscars Viewership Rises 56% to 15.4 Million After Last Year’s Historic Low
–- To second lowest ever. Woohoo!

Will Smith Smacks Chris Rock on Oscar Stage After Jada Joke: ‘Keep My Wife’s Name Out Your F–ing Mouth
–– Bald out.

Chris Rock Declines to File Police Report After Will Smith Slap at Oscars, LAPD Says
–– Was embarrassed for bitch-slapper.

Will Smith apologizes to Chris Rock, Academy after slapping comedian during Oscars
–- Took him day because he really wanted it to be sincere.

Oscars controversy shines a light on Jada Pinkett Smith's 'struggle' with alopecia
–– Not Will Smith’s ‘struggle’ with masculinity?

Will Smith Wasn’t Formally Asked to Leave Oscars After Slap, Sources Say
–– Were still printing disinvitation as credits rolled.

The Oscars Pulp Fiction reunion tasted better than a Royale with cheese — and yes, they danced
–– Big muck with cheese.

Kevin Costner and Nicole Kidman Were Caught in the Middle of an Unexpected BTS Oscars Moment
–– Minus T.

Billie Eilish Becomes First Oscar Winner Born in 21st Century With ‘No Time to Die’
–– 20-year-old finally has something to put on tombstone.

Kendall Jenner Wore the Most Dramatic Dress Ever at the Vanity Fair Oscars Party
–– As determined by someone who apparently never attended one.

At 90, Rita Moreno Still Knows How to Shut Down the Red Carpet
–– Traffic cones, police tape.

Oscars: Zack Snyder’s ‘Army of the Dead’ Wins Twitter Fan-Favorite Award
–– As subjects appear throughout night as presenters.

Oscars: Jessica Chastain Touches on Suicide Prevention, LGBTQ and Trans Rights in Best Actress Speech
–– Cheapening all three.

Women Won Only 23% of Oscars This Year, Worst Showing in 4 Years
–– But who’s counting? Really, who?

We Aren’t Just Watching the Decline of the Oscars. We’re Watching the End of the Movies.
–– Most of us don’t get to the end.

Sean Penn says he will 'smelt' his Oscars 'in public' if President Zelensky is not invited to appear at Academy Awards
–– First one who smelt ‘em, dealt ‘em?

Report: Bruce Willis’s Cognitive Decline Led to On-Set Confusion, Misfired Gun
–– Early on-set confusion?

Razzies Rescind Bruce Willis’ “Worst Performance” Award Following Aphasia Diagnosis
–– In opposite of slap in the face.

Sofia Vergara is 'blond again' in stunning new selfie
–– And apparently 15.

This OnlyFans star has spent over $1.3M on plastic surgery
–– And looks like a million bucks stampeded her.

’Flash’ Star Ezra Miller Arrested for Disorderly Conduct and Harassment in Hawaii
–– We figured flashing.

Aaron Carter Gets Giant Butterfly Face Tattoo in Honor of Late Sister: 'Wanted to Make Her Proud'
–– ‘And combat the stigma against drug addiction.’

Hope Solo arrested in Walmart parking lot on DWI, child abuse charges in North Carolina
–– OMG –– Hope Solo goes to Walmart?

As Kanye West is dropped from Grammys, petition grows to nix him from Coachella; ‘What happens next?’: Experts
–– Out of Oprah's Book Club?

’Saturday Night Live' Co-Head Writer Michael Che Says He’s Leaving 'Weekend Update’
–– Che it ain't so.

Ethan Coen Goes Solo, Will Direct Road Trip Movie for Focus, Working Title
–– Joel: Coen of silence.

Warren Beatty Celebrates 85th Birthday with His Children: 'Sooo Sweet'
–– Heaven can’t wait.

A Near-Perfect Ben Affleck Movie Just Hit Netflix
–– Talk about damning with faint praise.

Chris Wallace Says Life at Fox News Became ‘Unsustainable’
–– As it does for maladapted predators.

Prince Philip memorial service: When is it and how can I watch?
–– And can we bring balloons, confetti?

Princess Eugenie, Princess Beatrice, and Zara Tindall Got Together or a Long Lunch After Prince Philip’s Memorial
–– Guess which was first to loo to loose it?

Why is scandal-plagued Prince Andrew considered the Queen’s “favorite son”?
–– Like Philip, she’s always been into bad boys.

Kate Hochul Weighs a $1.4 Billion Stadium for Her Hometown Football Team
–– Looking to Buffalo state legislature.

Trying to Slug Your Way Through the A.L. East? Pack a Lunch.
–– Of, um, taters? Grand salami?

Yemen's warring parties agree two-month truce in major breakthrough
–– Houthi heck do they think they are?

Younger women now earn at least as much or more than men in 22 metro areas
–– But can Amy Schumer still joke, "the Academy hired three women to host because it’s cheaper than hiring one man?”

My Daughter Is Having Sex With Her Best Friend. Must I Tell Her Mom?
–– Or should I sell story to HBO Max for series?

Sleeping with even a little bit of light isn't good for your health, study shows
–– Tripping, falling in dark not great either.

Doctors stunned by baby born with two heads, three hands – and one torso
–– By slap, we assume.

The Victims of Scammers Aren’t Stupid. They’re Human.
–– Not synonyms?

Leonard Greene: This is why people hate lawyers: Attorney for woman accused in fatal shove of 87-year-old Broadway voice coach says she was ‘overcharged’
–– And, we hear, crime doesn’t pay.

E3 2022 has been completely canceled, organizers confirm
–– Like, totally fragged.

Why Are Rolex Watches Even More Expensive Right Now?
–– And who gives a fuck?

Elon Musk reveals 3 existential threats he's scared of, including a declining birthrate, religious extremism, and 'artificial intelligence going wrong'
–– ‘Oh, and clowns.’

Artemis I prepares for its final test ahead of launch
–– Civil Service Exam.

‘It was unusual,' fisherman says after catching a lamprey on the Current River
–– ‘Much more typical on the previous one.’

These stingless bees make medicinal honey. Some call it a ‘miracle liquid.’
–– Many don’t get point.

Mammals bulking up instead of growing bigger brains helped them survive post dinosaur extinction, study says
–– And inspire tiny-brained bodybuilders.

Man discovers "alien" creature's corpse washed up on Australian beach
–– Throws on barbie.

Woman using hot dog fishing trick shocked by massive catch in viral clip
–– Dogfish with catch up.

T rex’s short arms may have lowered bite risk when they hunted and fed in packs, scientists suspect
–– And kept down weight by reducing snacking.

Trilobite Fossils Suggest Cannibalism Is More Ancient Than Once Thought
–– Scientists thought more primitive, more genteel?

Prehistoric human remains found at Miami-Dade luxury-condo site
–– At Early Bird Special.

Skeleton of a Roman mercenary is unearthed in the Welsh countryside
–– With note in Welsh reading ‘Go Home’ affixed to skull with knife.

The Oldest Mummies in the World Are Rotting and Sprouting Mold
–– Can you bring those things inside off lawn?

Can ancient smells help us time travel through human history?
–– We can probably go back hours to learn what Uncle Herman had for lunch.

An anonymous tip helped uncover Yale administrator’s $40M scheme, documents show
–– Picked Yale locks.

70-year-old who kidnapped a bus full of children in 1976 has been approved for parole
–– Sentenced by court to take Ubers for rest of natural life.

Murder on the Tenth Hole
–– By Colonel Mustard with 5 iron.

Fort Bragg soldier pronounced dead after being found in car identified as Special Forces major
–– Son of My Mother the Car.

26-year-old plunges 100 feet to her death as husband calls for help, Utah cops say
–– In pushing her.

Freckle-faced killer Eric Smith, now 42, freed on parole, says he's engaged
–– Changes his spots?

Florida man dies after crashing his car into an 11-foot alligator
–– Did create entire set of luggage.

Who’s shooting Arizona’s wild horses?
–– Well, they shoot horses, don’t they?

Big Agriculture Is Printing Children’s Books That Say Pesticides Are Great
–– The Very Lifeless Caterpillar, How the Grub Stole Christmas, When You Give a Mouse a Rodenticide.

A rare gas is leaking from Earth's core. Could it be a clue to the planet's creation?
–– Or does world need Flex Tape?

Study Finds Hundreds of Mammals Are Waiting to Be Discovered
–– On new competition show hosted by Ryan Seacrest.

How Freaked Out Should We Be About That Antarctica Ice-Shelf Collapse?
–– No probs unless you live within 100 miles of coastline.

Proposed deep-sea mining would kill animals not yet discovered
–– Saving researchers valuable time looking for them.

California snowpack is critically low, signaling another year of devastating drought
–– There's no pack like snowback, there's no pack we know.

These Airlines No Longer Require Masks on Flights
–– But will provide if you can’t bear looking at meal.

Roughly 6 in 10 Republicans, 4 in 10 Democrats say they've had COVID
–– Exactly 4 of those 6 Republicans add, 'which doesn't exist.'

Pretending the Pandemic Is Over Will Not Make It So
–– Thus spake NY Times Editorial Board.

We Study Virus Evolution. Here’s Where We Think the Coronavirus Is Going.
–– Disney World?

John Korty, Director of ‘Miss Jane Pittman,’ Is Dead at 85
–– In the pit, man.

Dagny Carlsson, Centenarian Blogger, Dies at 109
–– Posted mortem.

Taylor Hawkins had 10 substances in his system when he died, officials say
–– Foo poisoning.

Sara Suleri Goodyear, acclaimed Pakistani memoirist, dies at 68
–– Goodyear blip.