Thuggie Thug
Week of 03/18/22
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Biden calls Putin a 'murderous dictator' and 'pure thug'
– Pure Thug title of Putin's first rap album.
Kremlin denies defaulting on debts
–– In 1918 default was in the tsars.
Biden calls Putin a 'war criminal' after announcing a blockbuster military aid package to help Ukraine fight Russia
–– Chinese call him 'rambunctious.'
Senate Republicans aren't worried about sparking World War III by sending more US weapons to Ukraine. They say Putin is already 'escalating every single day.'
–– Only because he’s so short.
Inside Chernobyl, 200 Exhausted Staff Toil Round the Clock at Russian Gunpoint
–– On bright side they can microwave lunch anywhere in facility.
Russia warns United States: we have the might to put you in your place
–– Moscow, Moscow man, I got to be a Moscow man.
Vladimir Putin Suddenly Disappears From TV Broadcast During Russia Speech
–– Tries to wow crowd with magic act.
Zelenskyy's plea to Congress recalls Churchill and others who fought for democracy
–– Like President Whitmore?
Investor Peter Schiff complains about Ukrainian President Zelensky wearing a T-shirt before Congress — but leadership expert says other politicians should follow his example
–– Has Schiff for brains.
Trump Says He Was ‘Surprised’ By Putin’s Ukraine Invasion
–– Neglected to add ‘pleasantly.'
Donald Trump Jr.’s Idea For How His Dad Could Fix Russia-Ukraine Backfires
–– Includes sending old man to Russia? Let's give it a try.
UN’s highest court orders Russia to end its deadly war operations in Ukraine
–– Have to be pretty high if they think he cares.
As Russian Troop Deaths Climb, Morale Becomes an Issue, Officials Say
–– If only morality was their issue.
Impunity for War Crimes in Syria Casts a Grim Shadow Over Ukraine
–– Assad state of affairs.
Russia fires official who said China refused to supply aircraft parts
–– His job was Presidential Fluffer.
What to know about the 100 US 'Switchblade' drones heading to Ukraine
–– They're, um, cutting edge?
Poland wants to urgently buy U.S. Reaper drones, as Russia fears mount
–– Which play Blue Öyster Cult as they precision bomb enemy.
Opinion: Zelensky says ‘peace is more important than profit.’ Koch Industries disagrees.
–– Have a Koch and a slime.
Fact check: Marjorie Taylor Greene didn't refuse to clap for President Zelensky
–– She gave him clap?
Russians have up to $213 billion stashed offshore in Swiss banks
–– Swiss had to move around plenty of Nazi gold to make room.
A billionaire Russian oligarch says he doesn't know how to live 3 weeks after being hit with sanctions
–– Then don’t.
Jennifer Lopez & Ben Affleck's Summertime Superyacht Was Just Seized From a Russian Oligarch
–– War is Hell.
Putin says pro-Western Russians are 'scum and traitors' who need to be removed from society
–– Or ’my kind of people.’
Finnish President: Putin's goal in Ukraine is not regime change
–– Over the Finnish line.
Ex-Black Ops Agent: This Is How Putin Could Meet His End
–– More spy fiction peddled as news.
A Russian TV worker who protested the war on a live broadcast is fined.
–– In latest slang for 'dead meat.'
Miss World crowned amid calls for peace in Ukraine
–– She really does want world peace!
Ukrainian mayor, heralded by many, is ultranationalist
–– Well, then, level Konotop.
How Ukrainian children understand the war
–– Better than House Republicans.
Russia’s second biggest oil company calls for an end to Putin's war
–– To change name to Out of Lukoil.
Burger King says it wants to shut down its 800 restaurants in Russia but it can't
–– Have Whopper of excuse.
China has expressed some openness to providing military and financial aid to Russia, US cable suggests
–– Turds of a feather.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Invokes His Nazi Father in Emotional Message to Russia
–– Sieg heil and ye shall find.
‘West Side Story’ stars dress to match the Ukrainian flag at BAFTAs
–– Is Zelensky Shark or Jet?
Mortgage rates rise above 4% for the first time since 2019
–– Housing market headed for lien times?
Sen. Rick Scott proposed cutting the IRS budget by half. The agency's commissioner said 'you might be better off and save more money by just shutting it down completely'
–– Scott: 'Can we do both?'
Sen. Hawley warns of Biden SCOTUS pick's 'long record' of letting child porn offenders 'off the hook'
–– He always looked like guy who’d want to have that kind of judge on bench.
Supply chains just got tossed 2 curveballs: Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg
–– What’s second one?
In rare mistake, prosecutors seek dismissal of charges against Capitol riot defendant
–– Capitol one? What's in his wallet?
Ginni Thomas Says She Attended Jan. 6 Rally
–– Clarence, the big Red dog.
Judge orders Justice Dept to hand over certain internal legal records to ex-Trump adviser Bannon
–– You’ll never believe who appointed judge.
Biden to Withdraw Nomination for Fed’s Top Bank Cop
–– Will have to return temporary tin badge.
Chris Cuomo Seeking $125 Million in Arbitration Months After Being Fired by CNN
–– Figures Zucker born every minute.
Team Bernie Sanders is reportedly quietly encouraging Ro Khanna to run in 2024 if Biden sits out
–– Always know how to pick winner.
Dr. Seuss Sets Expansive Preschool Slate at Netflix
–– From beyond grave.
Only 7% of Movies in 2021 Featured More Women than Men, Study Finds
–– Only 7% of movie ads featured more men than women.
Diane Kruger Recalls ‘Uncomfortable’ Screen Test for 2004 Film ‘Troy’: ‘I Felt Like Meat’
–– ‘And they only offered me fish.’
Pete Davidson defends ‘amazing’ Kim Kardashian in texts to ‘p—y’ Kanye West
–– ‘Petty’? ‘Puny’? ‘Putzy’?
Trevor Noah responds to Kanye West’s “Koon-Baya” Instagram post
–– My Lord!
SNL star Pete Davidson will no longer fly to space after launch postponed
–– Will simulate flight with 'shrooms.
Kim Kardashian Expands Skims With First-Ever Swimwear Line: ‘You’ve Asked, We’ve Listened’
–– Skims milked.
Caitlyn Jenner Just Spoke Out About Being "Explicitly Excluded" From the Kardashian's New Show
–– The courage!
Kandi Burruss called NeNe Leakes ‘good TV’ before racial slur claim
–– Not exactly “Koon-Baya” moment.
Chicago’s Daniel Boone School seeks a new name because he’s a ‘historically egregious figure’
–– But he didn’t really wear coonskin cap.
Zoe Saldaña Cried After Watching 20 Minutes of ‘Avatar 2’: ‘You Have to Brace Yourself’
–– Whoa, that bad?
Amy Schumer 'Can't Stop Dancing' At Oscars Wardrobe Fitting
–– Thankfully, we can stop watching.
Dolly Parton Bows Out of Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Nomination
–– A shame since they ran out of real rockers 20 years ago.
Donald Fagen Denies ‘Ridiculous’ Claim About Why Aimee Mann Was Dropped From Steely Dan Tour
–– Mann’s up.
‘Minx’ Reveals That All Nudity Is Not Created Equal
–– NY Times: all the dick that’s fit to print.
Nicolas Cage's 'Unbearable Weight' Gets Rare Perfect Rotten Tomatoes Score, a Career Best
–– What a load!
Nicolas Cage Says He Wants to Play Batman Villain Egghead: 'I Can Make Him Absolutely Terrifying'
–– But he’s already cracked.
Chloé Zhao Reckons With ‘Eternals’ Dividing Fans: Its Style ‘Made People Uncomfortable’
–– Like bad was fashion choice.
Michelle Yeoh Finally Loses Her Cool: “What Have I Got to Lose?”
–– Um, her cool?
Jane Campion Fires Back at Sam Elliott’s ‘Power of the Dog’ Criticism: “Let’s Meet Down at the Warner Brothers Lot for a Shootout!”
–– You know he's faster on drawl.
Jane Campion Apologizes for ‘Thoughtless’ Serena and Venus Williams Comment: ‘I Celebrate You’
–– Paid standard white privilege surcharge for using their names in sentence.
Bron Studio Champions Films “Fiercely Interested in the Human Experience”
–– Hollywood bullshit at its finest.
Joan Collins Laughs Off Bread Roll Incident After Being Pelted By 'Drunken Diner’
–– Crusty as ever.
Bella Hadid says she regrets her plastic surgery: 'I wish I had kept the nose of my ancestors'
–– Which she’d stored in glass jar until her last move.
Ron Jeremy ‘Incoherent’ at Courthouse, Rape Case Suspended For Mental Health Exam
–– Just kept muttering safe word.
Hollywood screenwriter reveals why TV characters don’t have pet cats: ‘I never noticed’
–– Audiences not typically attracted to self-hating losers.
The Man Behind Ethereum Is Worried About Crypto's Future
–– We’re worried about this guy.
Saint Patrick, patron saint of Ireland, wasn't actually Irish
–– Show Irish the Erin of their ways.
Congress Has Closed The Loophole That Allowed Federal Officers To Claim Sex With A Detainee Is Consensual
–– Office creeps expected to use loophole for autoerotic asphyxiation.
Threat assessment experts highlight danger posed by 'involuntarily celibate' men
–– Can at least lay blame.
‘When my mom dies, I want complete control of her estate’: I have not spoken to my mother in 20 years, but she owes me for the hell she put me through
–– ‘In fact, can I legally kill her?’
The 'Orbeez Challenge' is causing harm in parts of Georgia and Florida, police warn
–– We’ve been warned about Orbeezity in young people.
Boyfriend Tried to Save N.H. Woman, 22, Who Died in Boat Accident While Vacationing in Florida
–– But he was 1400 miles away.
Researchers Could Lure Murder Hornets to Their Deaths With Sex
–– Applying for grants to purchase hot lingerie.
Dog-sitter recovering after losing face in horrific dog attack
–– And not in Japanese sense. Yikes!
Alligator snaps up 50-pound dog walking along lake on college campus in Florida
–– Pit bull off leash. Go, gators!
Florida man arrested after kicking puppy in face, tells cops he was upset dog ate his food at beach: Police
–– Was kibbles sandwich.
Can I Sever Ties With My Selfish Sister?
–– Would she notice?
Expert warns against using Dyson hand dryers in public restrooms on your hair — and, frankly, even to dry your hands
–– And just forget your pubes.
Saudi king leaves hospital after pacemaker battery changed
–– Ran out of oil.
Ship gets stuck in Chesapeake a year after sister ship got stuck in Suez Canal
–– Both need to lose weight.
There is a full worm moon rising this week: Here's when you can see it brightest
–– First pop your head out of ground…
Antarctica, Arctic undergo simultaneous freakish extreme heat
–– Shaquille O'Neal to promote tours.
Fears dash for wind power could endanger lost world of Doggerland
–– We await English translation.
Why ocean researchers want to create a global library of undersea sounds
–– With dewy decimal system.
Warming Trends: Why Walking Your Dog Can Be Bad for the Environment, Plus the Sexism of Climate Change and Taking Plants to the Office
–– Or how to trivialize, get people to sneer at existential crisis.
China’s Covid Lockdowns Set to Further Disrupt Global Supply Chains
–– Admirable they even quarantine slave labor.
With a Flurry of High-Profile Coronavirus Cases, Washington Is Again on Edge
–– When was it last not?
Mother of Young Thug's child killed over bowling ball in Atlanta, family says
–– How she rolled.
William Hurt, Star of ‘Body Heat,’ ‘Kiss of the Spider Woman’ and ‘Broadcast News,’ Dies at 71
–– In Hurt locker.
Marlee Matlin reacts to ex William Hurt’s death after abuse allegations
–– Lived up to name.
