Pump Fuzzies
Week of 03/11/22
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Record gas prices hit working class Americans with inflation already surging
–– As cost of blood skyrockets.
Elections official in Michigan charged with ballot tampering
–– Rack the vote.
There’s a way to bring down gas prices, but you won't like it
–– Oh, The Week, you know us so well!
Bitcoin Was Made for This Moment. So Why Isn’t It Booming?
–– And where is Gandalf with that army of reinforcements for Kyiv?
Biden says Russian stock market will 'blow up' when it reopens after sanctions
–– Like nuclear bond.
Video shows Ukraine ambushing Russian tank convoy featuring a thermobaric weapon, forcing a retreat
-– Turrets syndrome.
Russia intensifies assault, warns U.S. weapons sent to Ukraine are 'legitimate targets'
–– If only they were just shooting at weapons.
Ukrainian company pivots from medieval armor to spiky 'caltrops' intended to stop or slow Russian vehicles
–– So guerillas in medieval armor can attack them with halberds.
German ex-chancellor Schroeder spoke to Putin for hours on Thurs night -newspaper
–– Or someone Russians told 77-year-old was Putin.
Ukrainian official: Bennett told Zelensky he should take Putin's proposal to end war
–– Should've said, 'I duh.'
Captured Russian pilots says he was ordered to hit civilian targets
–- Not really war until enemy captive trots out 'I was just following orders.'
BBC Resumes Reporting in Russia as N.Y. Times Exits
–– As if it can Beeb believed.
Poutine or Putin? People are conflating fries and gravy with the Russian president.
–– Did we mention, people are morons? And Putin might actually taste better than poutine.
Don't take Russia back to 1917, Russian metals king Potanin warns
–– Really, did they ever leave it?
Russian oligarch who fled to Israel 20 years ago and escaped a lifetime jail sentence renounces citizenship, says 'everything Putin touches dies'
–– Highlighting villain's super power.
Portuguese officers detain rabbi, say he helped Russian billionaire
–– Putin has evil minyans?
–– Kind of like McRibs.
More Republicans than Democrats say they'd stay and fight if U.S. were attacked like Ukraine
–– If Russian tanks emerged from Pacific?
U.N. Distances Itself from Guidance Urging Staff Not to Describe Russian Invasion as ‘War’
–- Preferred descriptor is ‘roughhousing.’
Russian Agent Maria Butina Claims Ukrainians Are Bombing Themselves
–– Sounds like she’s bombed.
War in Ukraine is a 'metaphysical' battle against a civilization built on 'gay parades,' Russian Orthodox leader says
–– Sounds like he’s high on stronger spirits.
Fox News hosts and reporter fought on air after Greg Gutfeld suggested the media is making Ukraine invasion look worse than it is
–– Gut-filled or gutless?
Zelensky’s famous quote of ‘need ammo, not a ride’ not easily confirmed
–– Print the legend, baby!
Bolton: 'Putin saw Trump doing a lot of his work for him'
–– ‘And that lazy fuck hardly ever lifted a finger.’
US pays $2M a month to protect Pompeo, aide from Iran threat
–– And buffet tables.
Woman stabbed date in the neck in retaliation for US drone strike
–– Claims Mike Pompeo to justify bilking U.S. taxpayers.
Mitch McConnell is reportedly opposing free school lunches: 'Kids are going to have less on their plates,' Biden's agriculture secretary says
–– Also advocates afterschool labor camps.
Senate passes Emmett Till Antilynching Act of 2022, sending bill to Biden for his signature
–– Proving they can reach across aisle to solve 40-year-old problem.
South Carolina County Councilman Wears Confederate Flag T-Shirt to Community Event
–– Which he thought was lynching.
Fort Lauderdale police chief fired over minority-first practices in hiring and promotions, report says
–– Black and blue.
Marjorie Taylor Greene Claims She's Working 'For Free' With All Her Pay Going To Mask Fines
–– And prescription idiot pills.
Kevin McCarthy reaffirms pledge to give Marjorie Taylor Greene and Paul Gosar committee assignments again after they attended a white nationalist conference
–– Where they will be allowed to wear pointy hoods.
DeSantis’ ‘free state of Florida’ faces new restrictions on First Amendment rights
–– Free of brain activity.
Trump muses on war with Russia and praises Kim Jong Un
–– Muses? Only thing close is when he mousses.
Trump Held a Contest for Small-Dollar Donors to Have Dinner With Him. No One Won
–– Instead 'winners' had to deliver KFC bucket to Mar-a-Lago, leave.
Stephanie Grisham says Trump greatly admired Putin and 'wanted to be able to kill whoever spoke out against him'
–– ‘And always wanted to ride a horse bare-chested.’
William Barr says he would have 'crawled over broken glass' to vote for Trump in 2016 because he would pick Justice Antonin Scalia's successor
–– Ended up crawling all over broken ass.
William Barr says Rudy Giuliani's infamous Four Seasons Total Landscaping press conference was 'a grotesque embarrassment'
–– Compared to usual 'ugly emBarrassment.'
William Barr says he 'did not think the republic was in genuine danger' on January 6, but believes Trump became 'manic and unreasonable' post-election
–– Post-every-election since 1948.
Awkward Graphics Glitch Sends Laura Ingraham’s Pro-Trump Monologue Sideways
–– Was already upside-down.
Guy Reffitt, First Capitol Rioter To Stand Trial, Found Guilty By Jury
–– Will have to reffitt fat ass to new cell.
Nicholas Goldberg: Is 'pregnable' a word? If so, that's what Trump's border wall is
–– Expecting?
Republicans Rushed Trump's Supreme Court Nominee; Now They Want To Delay Biden's Pick
–– File under ‘Duh.’
Justice Thomas slams cancel culture, 'packing' Supreme Court
–– And fact there is pubic hair in his Coke.
Kinzinger says his "biggest regret" is voting against Trump's first impeachment
–– Had 197 cowards to keep him company in House.
Biden is preparing to sign an executive order to expand US oversight of the $2 trillion cryptocurrency market
–– First has to find it.
Trumpworld Crypto Coin Sinks After Trump Gets Involved
–– Renamed crapto coin.
Professor 'stunned' Biden did not mention Bloody Sunday in State of the Union: 'A mistake'
–– Sounds like rock to head might have actually stunned her.
Pence says there’s no room in the GOP for ‘apologists for Putin’ in veiled swipe at Trump
–– Veiled or failed?
Michigan GOP Candidate Tells Daughters 'If Rape Is Inevitable, Lie Back And Enjoy It'
–– We’d tell him same if gang-banged by pit bulls.
‘I Need a New Butt’ book gets assistant principal fired at Mississippi elementary school
–– Got canned.
Who needs the Joker? Major theater chains turned everyone who saw The Batman into a clown
–– Couldn't Mr. Freeze ticket prices?
‘I Just Wanted to Beef Until Somebody Died’: The Game Says He Was Jealous After Hearing 50 Cent’s ‘In Da Club,’ Reflects on Their Past Issues
–– Using slang in flatulent sense.
‘Black Panther’ Director Ryan Coogler Mistaken for Bank Robber
–– Wakanda Bank & Trust check bounced.
Grimes dating hacker Chelsea Manning after Elon Musk split: Report
–– Grimes of the heart.
Taron Egerton Shares Update After Collapsing on Stage During First ‘Cock’ Performance
–– Yes, went limp.
Kodi Smit-McPhee's response to Sam Elliott's criticism of 'The Power Of The Dog': 'Nothing. 'Cause I'm a mature being'
–- ‘I am. I know I look like I’m going through puberty, but I’m like 25. I’m all grown up!’
Britney Spears Is Posting Topless Photos On IG And Talking Babies
–– Or ‘like a baby?’
Gerard Depardieu Loses Appeal, Rape Investigation to Continue
–– He lost his appeal many moons ago.
Phil Collins remains seated during Berlin concert months after revealing he can no longer play the drums
–– Beats off.
Courteney Cox still doesn't remember 'Friends'
–– Because subsequent career was so amazing.
Barry Manilow Rips Anti-LGBTQ Republican Politicians and Their Bills: ‘Shame on You!’
–– Not Copacetic?
Jussie Smollett sentenced to 150 days in jail for lying to police in hate crime hoax
–– Maybe Jussie is short for Justice after all.
50 Cent Trolls Jussie Smollett Following Sentencing Outburst: 'I'm Gonna Say This'
–– Chips in his 50 cent.
Jussie Smollett pictured in new mug shot as 150-day jail sentence begins
–– Might be best pic he ever appeared in.
Jussie Smollett Faced “Kangaroo Prosecution” Says Cook County State’s Attorney Kim Foxx
–– Had jury in pocket?
Five students charged with hate crimes in 'racially motivated' incident, police say
–– White out.
‘Secrets of the Chippendales Murders': How the company exploded after founder made fake reports of nudity and overcrowding
–– Exposed like jock strap after leather chaps yanked off.
Arrest in fentanyl overdoses of West Point cadets in Florida
–– The long white line.
At least one member of the 'CITGO 6' released from prison in Venezuela
–– Free to pump gas once again.
MLB commissioner Rob Manfred, union chief Tony Clark hail new CBA as lockout ends
–– Struck out on their own.
‘It seems to be more extreme': Violent sports fans are causing alarm at every level
–– Inspire horror film: The Creature From Another Bleacher.
My brilliant brother has Down’s syndrome. Is it wrong to fear getting pregnant myself?
–– By him?!
Mom “uneasy” sharing bed sheets with her adult daughter sparks debate
–– Did they mention her live-in pornstar boyfriend?
This Woman Switched To Tampons Despite Her Husband Being "Uncomfortable" With Them – Now They Want To Know Which Of Them Is Being An A–Hole
–– Or C-Hole.
The iPhone 13 and 13 Pro just got new green colors
–– Symbolizing $699, $799, $999 or $1,099 you’ll pay.
Return of the Microbus? Volkswagen unveils electric 'hippie bus
–– With plug-in marijuana e-cigs.
Exclusive: Skin whitening creams containing high levels of mercury continue to be sold on the world's biggest e-commerce sites, new report finds
–– Could provide good barometer.
Pop-Tarts' new movie 'Unfrosted' stars a famous comedian
–– We supposed to toast him?
Your toilet paper roll is slimming down
–– Only thing in American household that is.
Saudi Arabis Puts 81 People to Death in its Largest Execution Ever
–– And doesn’t skimp on huge after party.
1,500-Year-Old 'Magic Bowls' Seized in Jerusalem Raid
–– Into which Mesopotamian wizards urinated.
Roman boat that sank in Mediterranean 1,700 years ago gives up its treasures
–– Mallorca's Museum of Fermented Fish Sauce 'ecstatic'.
Your dog could be much less anxious if you do any of these 27 things, according to trainers
–– 22. Lace kibbles with fentanyl.
Crufts hopefuls arrive for day 3 of Crufts
–– The upper Crufts?
Researchers discover new species of rainbow-colored fairy fish in ocean 'twilight zone'
–– Need to stop watching Rod Serling reruns on MeTV.
Space Junk Just Dug Big New Crater in Moon, Astronomers Say
–– Without joining union!
Oops, cleaning the Great Pacific Garbage Patch was probably a bad idea
–– Especially part about storing waste in non-recyclable Ziploc bags.
Giant venomous spiders infiltrated the southeastern US and are expected to spread rapidly, experts say
–– Dressed as Murder Hornets!
EPA OKs plan to release 2.4 million more genetically modified mosquitoes
–– With enormous spider genitalia.
Should I kill spiders in my home? An entomologist explains why not to
–– Prefers you take out to nice dinner, get drunk, push over cliff in your car.
Florida’s surgeon general breaks with CDC advice, says the state will be the first to 'officially recommend against the COVID-19 vaccine for healthy children'
–– Will suggest giant, venomous spiders for their lunch boxes.
Charles Entenmann, helped expand family’s namesake bakery, dies at 92
–– Entenmologists: Bring nice Danish ring to wake.
