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Chat and Shoot
Week of 02/04/22

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Spoof of a political chat show with the title Firing Line With John Wilkes Booth showing the assassin saying 'Sic temper tyrranus, Sir!' and Lincoln, with a pistol pointed at his head, replying 'I beg to differ…'G.O.P. Declares Jan. 6 Attack ‘Legitimate Political Discourse’
–– Redesignates assassination ‘honest disagreement.’

Rachel Zegler responds to Snow White casting criticism
–– From Snowflake.

Pence breaks with Trump: 'I had no right to overturn the election'
–– Trump: 'We don't need no stinkin' rights!'

RNC votes to condemn Cheney, Kinzinger for serving on House committee investigating Jan. 6 attack on the Capitol by pro-Trump mob
–– Formal charge: Construction of Justice.

January 6 committee uses Pence team to try to penetrate Trump's West Wing
–– Like trying to vaccinate mastodon.

Trump ally Roger Stone attacks Mike Pence, calls him “disloyal POS”
–– When you want loyal massive bowel movement always turn to Stone.

Trump’s suggestion he pardon the January 6 rioters if he wins in 2024 is the 'stuff of dictators,' former Nixon counsel warns
–– Administration that was stuffed with dictator.

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene blasted Sen. Lindsey Graham after he called it 'inappropriate' for Trump to float pardons for Capitol rioters
–– Like Capone getting Nitti into Witness protection.

Some Trump White House records handed over to January 6 committee had been ripped up
–– With unidentified yellow stains.

Trump’s once dominant hold over politics has faded a year after leaving office
–– But we’ll keep humping his name until he’s six-feet-under.

Poll: 76% of Americans Want Biden to Consider “All Possible Nominees” for Supreme Court
–– 7% of population totally cool with current process.

Plurality wants Biden to keep vow to nominate Black woman to Supreme Court: poll
–– Adventures in Polling Part II.

Cruz calls Biden's promise to nominate first Black woman to Supreme Court 'offensive' and ‘insulting'
–– 'Like my very existence.'

Susan Collins says it may be difficult for Republicans to reject a Black, female Supreme Court nominee because Democrats have painted the GOP as 'anti-Black'
–– Sooo unfair. Right ,Ted?

Critics say Ginni Thomas’s activism is a Supreme Court conflict. Under court rules, only her husband can decide if that’s true.
–– Ginni up charges?

Pennsylvania Senate Republican race between Oz and McCormick turns ugly early
–– Of course, just look at these two.

Biden to relaunch ‘cancer moonshot,’ aiming to reduce death rate, administration officials say
–– Hopes for full tumor eclipse.

Bette Midler hits back at West Virginia governor's request she kiss his dog's derrière
–– Which is same as kissing his face.

Michael Avenatti convicted of wire fraud and aggravated identity theft for stealing from Stormy Daniels
–– Proving there is no free lap dance.

Ben Ray Luján’s Absence Strains Democrats’ Grip on 50-50 Senate
–– C’mon, Wall Street Journal, not Stroke of Bad Luck ? –– he’s a Dem, for heaven’s sake.

Opinion | Biden Just Took Out ISIS’ Top Leader. What’s Next?
–– Second date?

’This horrible terrorist leader is no more,’ Biden says after ISIS leader killed in U.S. raid
–– Ices ISIS.

Why did US forces kill the Isis leader and where does that leave the terrorist group?
–– Couldn’t get close enough to slap wrist?

Kansas Mom Allison Fluke-Ekren, Accused of Being ISIS Leader, Not Contesting Detention
–– So no Fluke?

We are still shocked’: the Syrians who discovered Islamic State’s leader was their neighbour
–– ‘He seemed like such a nice psychopath. He never bombed late at night. He always disposed of victims. We can’t believe it.’

House Democrats seek to halt remaining U.S. support to Saudi air war in Yemen
–– Yeah, man.

Whoopi Goldberg apologizes after saying on 'The View' that 'the Holocaust isn't about race'
–– Was about other white meat?

Whoopi Goldberg ‘livid,’ threatening to quit ‘The View’ over her suspension: source
–- And that's not chopped livid.

CNN President Jeff Zucker resigns over consensual relationship with key lieutenant
–– Zucker punch.

Female CNN staff furious Allison Gollust still has a job after Jeff Zucker affair
–– Goal: lust.

Former anchor Gretchen Carlson says Fox News has devolved 'into non-fact-based conspiracy theories' and 'outright dangerous rhetoric'
–– From ‘lies’ and ‘utter bullshit’ when she was there.

George Soros warns China is facing an economic crisis
–– Couldn’t happen to nicer tyranny.

China competitiveness bill will test whether Democrats and Republicans can strike substantive deal in election year
–– Vie not?

Putin and Xi, united at Olympics, air shared grievances against absent U.S. amid Ukraine standoff
–– Festivus for autocrats.

This Year's Winter Olympics First Ever To Take Place On 100 Percent Artificial Snow
–– On 100% totalitarian slopes.

What is ROC at Winter Olympics? Here's why Russia can't compete in Beijing, but its athletes can.
–– Imagine being too dirty to perform in this shitshow.

At least 35 LGBTQ athletes will compete at Beijing Olympics, a Winter Games record
–– Only thing queer is them honoring country that thinks they’re insane.

Why, Oh Why, Did the Beijing Olympics Opening Ceremony Continue the “Imagine” Tradition?
–– Imagine there's no shame, it's easy if you try.

Winter Olympics: TV reporter dragged away by Chinese security official live on air
–– In freestyle strong-arm.

“Kind of a ‘Squid Game’ Vibe”: We Spoke to Olympians About Life Inside the Beijing Bubble
–- Squid Game meets Cultural Revolution.

Covid, Uyghurs and viewer apathy: is Beijing 2022 in danger of a US ratings flop?
–– Hoping it's downhill all the way.

Tongan flag bearer Pita Taufatofua is skipping the Games to focus on volcano relief
–– In latest slang for explosive diarrhea.

John Bradley: Starring in Moonfall was a 'total no brainer'
–– Had his removed in preparation.

'Jackass Forever' a 'Masterpiece'? Critic Reviews Are Best in Franchise History
–– Stunted growth.

These Pictures Of Pete Davidson Meeting John Mulaney's Baby Are Making Me Feel All Kinds Of Way
–– Besides nauseous?

Unmasking Of Rudy Giuliani On Fox’s ‘The Masked Singer’ Prompts Judges Ken Jeong & Robin Thicke To Walk Off In Protest
–– Rude and Rudier.

Critic’s Notebook: Rudy Giuliani on 'The Masked Singer' Is a New Low for TV Image Laundering
–– And think of the bills to clean out wine stains from Pineapple costume.

Channing Tatum says he's 'traumatized' and can't watch Marvel superhero movies
–– Apparently with head injury.

Gwyneth Paltrow reflects on divorce following Chris Martin split: 'It's a great opportunity to get ruthless with the truth of who you really are'
–– Though whole ‘wellness huckster’ angle still eludes her.

Samantha Barks slips into a black bikini as she soaks up the sun
–– Barks up wrong treat.

Jack Reacher author Lee Child explains why book readers didn’t like Tom Cruise as character
–– Came up, uh, short?

Moonfall’ Helmer Roland Emmerich And The Spark From ‘Close Encounters Of The Third Kind’: The Film That Lit My Fuse
–– 'Which fizzled out long before I began directing.'

Courteney Cox Reveals Why Elton John Is Responsible For The 'Scariest, Most Nerve-Wracking Thing' She's Ever Done
–– Adjust his toupee.

Queen Elizabeth Had to Scramble for a Mourning Dress after the Sudden Death of Her Father, King George VI
–– Attended funeral in sackcloth unitard.

Prince Philip was a ‘Greek god’ who ‘showed off like mad’, says Lady Pamela Hicks
–– More satyr, but…

Prince Harry sparks backlash after claiming he suffers burnout: ‘It must be very difficult being a millionaire’
–– Yeah, but living with her.

Queen Mathilde of Belgium wows in a bold two-piece in Oman
–– Schmaltzing Mathilde.

Dylan Dreyer Exits ‘Weekend Today’ After 9 Years as Meteorologist
–– Dreyer weather no longer in forecast.

Meteorologist wins the hearts of viewers after bringing her baby on-air for forecast: 'I was very confident she was going to behave'
–– Did she predict wetness?

‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre’ Trailer: Netflix Unleashes Leatherface on a New Generation
–– New Generation: ‘FU!’

A prosthetic chest, hours of tattoos: How 'Pam & Tommy' transformed Lily James, Sebastian Stan
–– Spy cans.

‘A regressive, embarrassing disappointment’: how And Just Like That ruined Sex and the City
–– Failed to Carrie off.

Dakota Johnson's reported 'Spider-Verse' role is being criticized as 'disability erasure'
–– Not web enabled?

Joe Pesci sells extremely 1980s New Jersey mansion for $5 million
–– “Extremely 1980s New Jersey? That’s funny how? I mean, funny like I'm a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh?”

16 UPenn swimmers ask school not to challenge transgender policy that could block teammate Lia Thomas from competing
–– Refuse to man up.

Gov. Noem signs transgender athlete ban into law in South Dakota
–– Noem man's land.

Tom Brady officially announces retirement after 'thrilling ride' with Tampa Bay Buccaneers, New England Patriots
–– And on Jurassic World VelociCoaster.

Tom Brady went from MAGA hat to mocking Trump's election lies
–– Bucs’ trend.

Here are the contenders for the Washington Football Team's new name
–– Heights, Bridges, Denzels.

Washington’s NFL team announces ‘Commanders’ as its new name
–– They're barely Swabbies.

Rents are up more than 30 percent in some cities, forcing millions to find another place to live
–– Path of lease resistance.

‘Sharp as a tack' 106-year-old man reveals secrets for longevity
–– Stuck in Jell-o.

‘F*** Mickey’: New Orleans shop accuses Disney of putting it out of business
–– Sold rodent vibrators.

Opinion: A speculative frenzy in meme stocks and crypto is coming to an end — but you’ve probably got nothing to worry about
–– Unless you’re concerned with mental health of investors.

Texas Wants Cryptocurrency Miners To Shutdown Because The Power Grid Could Fail
–– Crippled old currency.

Colleges and universities across the US are moving to ban caste discrimination
–– Caste of thousands.

University of Nebraska updates Herbie Husker mascot to change hand gesture associated with white supremacy
–– It’s not OK.

"I Wish It Was Porn Because That Would've Been Less Embarrassing": People Share The Weirdest Things They've Seen Confiscated In Class
–– We wish it was porn because that would've been less boring.

Woman Investigates Unusual Birthmark, Discovers She Is Her Own Twin Sister
–– Begins borrowing outfits from self without asking.

Here Are The Pros (And Cons) Of Drinking A Glass Of Water Before Bed
–– Piss pour idea.

Häagen-Dazs' new ice cream was inspired by these 'big city' flavors
–– Car exhaust, urine-stained subway, rat-infused pizza.

The ingredient that will change your scrambled eggs forever
–– Shells!

Can microdosing psychedelics boost mental health? Here’s what the evidence suggests.
–– Ask our semi-high experts.

Leader of Australian Megachurch Steps Down After Charge Over Father’s Sexual Abuse
–– Father of the rear.

NYC actress fired after rant over Jason Rivera funeral: Streets closed 'for one f------ cop'
–– Wasn’t really feeling Blue.

I inherited ‘a sizeable amount’ from my mother. A financial adviser took me out for a free meal at an investment seminar, and made ‘some good, interesting points.’ But should I be wary?
–– And who, besides heirs, should give hoot?

Meet the superfans trying to save Tab
–– Have they flipped tops?

Dürer drawing bought for $30 at yard sale worth more than $10 million, experts say
–– ADürerble!

One hundred years after his tomb was discovered, Tutankhamun’s afterlife continues
–– Tut, Tut, Tutsy, goo’bye, Tut ,Tut, Tutsy, don’t cry…

Vito Corleone, 15, shot by police after wild Florida car chase
–– Through time machine.

The Rampaging Pigs of the San Francisco Bay Area
— vs. the Green Bay Porkers.

Massive cat is so big it's often mistaken for dog: 'It's funny how others react'
–– 'When it's clearly too stupid for a dog.'

Mo. Woman Who Couldn't Bear the Thought of Old Dogs Dying Alone Turns Home into Canine Hospice
–– After hours holds cat-swinging contests.

A 'sea pickle'? An animal that can grow to 60 feet long is washing up on the Oregon coast
–– Looks like giant dill, though.

Kleptomaniac New Zealand parrot steals GoPro, films airborne escape
–– Wins award at NZ Film Festival.

Commission: Statue of British slave trader Edward Colston should be displayed in museum — horizontally
–– He was lying bastard.

Nearly 200 human spines found threaded onto posts in Peru
–– Took some backbone.

Publisher halts Anne Frank betrayal book amid questions on research
–– She wasn’t anti-vaxxer?

Joni Mitchell says she will follow Neil Young by removing her music from Spotify due to vaccine misinformation
–– For old time sake.

Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young Reunite… in Removing Their Music From Spotify
–– Helpless, helpless, help-less.

James Blunt jokingly threatens to release new music unless Spotify removes Joe Rogan's podcast
–– With Blunt instrument.

As US surpasses 900,000 COVID deaths, the trajectory of the pandemic remains uncertain
–– Heading towards very cool mil.

White House frustrations grow over health chief Becerra’s handling of pandemic
–– X-man: the last stand.

Joe Rogan on Neil Young Spotify Controversy: ‘I’m Not Trying to Promote Misinformation’
–– ‘I mean, it just comes naturally.’

Boris Johnson quotes ‘Lion King’ to buck up staff rocked by Partygate scandal
–– Kahuna my 'tata.'

How the falsehood of athletes dying from coronavirus vaccines spread
–– Got kicked around.

Moses J. Moseley, 'Walking Dead' actor, dead at 31
–– Mostly.

Howard Hesseman, 81, the D.J. Johnny Fever in ‘WKRP in Cincinnati,’ Dies
–– Fever broke.

Actress Monica Vitti — Remembered as the 'Queen of Italian Cinema' — Dead at 90
–– Veni ,Vitti, vici.