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The Worm Turns Up
Week of 02/11/22

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Pence’s chief of staff says former VP rebuked Trump because it 'merited a response'
–– 13 months ago.

McCain when he picked Palin: "F--- it!"
–– Obama when he won: "F--- them!"

Nikki Haley calls out Pence for saying Trump was "wrong" about overturning 2020 election
–– Nikki mirage.

McConnell Refutes RNC’s Characterization of the Capitol Riots: ‘It Was a Violent Insurrection’
–– ‘Used to get 'em all the time when I was a youngin.'

Conservative National Review Calls GOP 'Morally Repellent' For Latest Jan. 6 Response
–– Coming from long-time moral repellent.

Kevin McCarthy says RNC should have been 'clearer' about what it meant when it framed the January 6 Capitol attack as 'legitimate political discourse'
–– Should've added: 'Yes, we are fascists.'

Chris Christie says Trump has accidentally 'told the truth' by revealing he incited the Capitol riot to intimidate Mike Pence into overturning the election
–– Pig, Pence.

Bannon slams Pence for speech: You'll carry this 'to your grave'
–– After he walks over, pisses on yours.

Judge Orders Bannon’s Sugar Daddy to Cough Up $134 Million Over Notorious Yacht
–– Who’ll clean up vomit, big bills?

'I feel like I just got out of a cult': Former 'Stop the Steal' supporter opens up about his experience
–– Unlike Trump, Jim Jones knew when to quit.

Republican Rep. Adam Kinzinger says he'll tell his son that Trump was 'the worst president the United States of America ever had'
–– His son will reply, ’Those kids of his were just as bad.’

National Archives had to retrieve Trump White House records from Mar-a-Lago
–– What agency recovers stolen silverware?

Trump Reportedly 'Never Stopped Ripping' Up White House Documents And Breaking
The Law

–– Soiling carpet, biting aides.

Ripping and burning: how Trump White House handled some legally protected documents
–– Eric chewed like dog, Don Jr. lit up with crack pipe.

Book reveals Trump staff found flushed papers in White House toilet
–– Data dump or Dada dump?

Trump's odd toilet flushing fixation reconsidered after reports of document dumping
–– Pressure stump.

New York Times Reporter Says Claims She Sat On Trump Toilet Story Are Crap
–– Though stories like this revel how full of shit internet is.

Rep. Liz Cheney's leading GOP primary challenger says she doesn't know who lawfully won the 2020 presidential election
–– Still learning to read.

Joe Manchin and Marco Rubio teamed up on a bill to block government funds from being used to give out crack pipes
–– Want to Bogart for selves.

Ted Cruz says teachers are bringing 'explicit pornography' to class as Texas leads the way in book wars
–– And he reenrolls in high school.

Erik Prince Helped Raise Money for Conservative Spy Venture
–– Prince of the shitty.

Sidney Powell asks for sanctions order to be reversed, saying the judge unfairly portrayed her team as 'dangerous lunatics'
–– Or ‘accurately.’

Supreme Court, in 5-4 Vote, Restores Alabama’s Congressional Voting Map
–– Drawn in white chalk.

Biden calls reporter a 'wise guy' for asking about inflation rates
–– Adds, 'My dad woulda called a feller like you a smarty-pants, a wisenheimer, a fiddledy-diddler, a whoopsy-doopsy-who-dya-think-ya-are.'

Biden tells LGBTQ children 'you are loved and accepted just as you are' after Florida advances 'Don't Say Gay' bill
–– Need ‘Don’t Speak Geek’ bill to protect legislators.

Geraldo defends Biden admin’s harm reduction plan that will supply drug addicts with clean paraphernalia
–– Wants provision to provide him crisp $100 bills for snorting.

Biden’s Top Science Adviser Resigns After Acknowledging Demeaning Behavior
–– Who does he think he is, some human genome pioneer, or something!

Biden orders billions of Afghan funds split between 9/11 victims and humanitarian aid
–– Trump demands a bil for brokering ‘greatest withdrawal agreement in American history.’

Mortgage rates jump again, rising to a level not seen since early 2020
–– Two whole years? Historic!

Peter Thiel to Exit Meta’s Board to Support Trump-Aligned Candidates
–– Ever Meta bigger dick?

Rep. Joyce Beatty says Rep. Hal Rogers poked her and said 'kiss my a**' after she asked him to put on a mask
–– Around which that old dog should be wearing diapers.

Taylor Greene Accuses Nancy Pelosi Of Using 'Gazpacho Police'
–– Consults her avvocato.

Marjorie Taylor Greene confuses 'gazpacho,' a soup, and 'Gestapo,' the Nazi secret police
–– She’s total creatine.

GOP Sen Candidate Shoots At Biden, Pelosi Lookalikes In 'Disgusting' Ad
–– Politics as FPS.

Sarah Palin says she'll 'consider' asking the Supreme Court to reevaluate defamation law if she loses her lawsuit against the New York Times
–– More likely to be heard by Judge Steve Harvey.

On the 'Putin Show' there is trash talk, massive tables and very little progress
–– Sounds like ‘Palin Show.’

White House warns Russia could invade Ukraine during Olympics, urges Americans to leave
–– Playing Chicken Kiev.

'Things could go crazy': Biden urges Americans to leave Ukraine amid threat of Russian invasion
–– Putin in perspective.

Eric Adams, an Avowed Vegan, Has a Confession to Make
–– He has no idea what he's doing as New York Mayor.

NBC Executives Brush Off Olympics Ratings Concerns as Focus Shifts to Streaming
–– Move to retitle games The Biggest Luger.

The Freestyle Ski Star Eileen Gu Has a Warning About TikTok Diet
–– We have warning about NY Times promoting this opportunistic egomaniac.

Eileen Gu disregards the opinions of 'uneducated' haters because 'they're never going to win the Olympics'
–– But can understand concept of turncoat. And bitch.

Star Russian Figure Skater Tested Positive for Banned Drug
–– But only because she's star Russian skater.

Opinion: Why the quad revolution in women’s figure skating is a tragedy
–– Spins out of control?

Sara Takanashi: Japanese ski jumper apologizes amid 'too big' suit disqualification controversy
–– Designed by David Byrne.

Look back at the McTwists and turns of Shaun White's golden snowboarding career
–– And kersplats.

Super Bowl halftime show 2022: Get to know Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Eminem and the rest of this year's performers
–– We’re still trying to forget them.

Super Bowl ticket prices have dropped but they'll still cost you thousands
–– Why not just buy 10 TVs for each room of your McMansion?

Eric Dickerson Plans to Skip Super Bowl 56 After Rams Offered Nosebleed Tickets
–– Couldn’t shove tix up there?

FL cheer uniforms have been scrutinized since the 1970s, but critics might be missing the point
–– Scrutinized by drunken slobs at halftime.

‘No sport has had such success in so short a time’: padel takes off in Italy
–– Squash rumors?

Annette Bening says Warren Beatty gives ‘economical’ Valentine’s Day gifts: ‘Pretty low-key’
–– Doesn't promise her anything.

Spotify Stands by Joe Rogan: ‘Canceling Voices Is a Slippery Slope’
–– Coated with oleaginous goo excreted through his pie hole.

Steven Spielberg Initially Thought John Williams’ ‘Jaws’ Theme Was a Joke
–– DaDum DaDum DaDum ba-dum-bum-CHING.

Liam Neeson Says Seth MacFarlane’s ‘Naked Gun’ Reboot Might ‘Finish’ His Career
–– Do we sense Smell of Fear?

Tori Spelling to replace her breast implants after daughter Stella expressed 'concern'
–– She’s still nursing at 13.

Bob Saget's head injury death a tragic reminder of Natasha Richardson's
–– He was skiing in hotel room?

Sydney Sweeney struggled with people taking her 'seriously' as an actress 'because I took my shirt off'
–– Really hurt Helen Mirren’s career.

Olivia Munn felt like her 'body was failing' amid breastfeeding struggles: 'But then I said f*** it'
–– Cry over spit milk.

Javier Bardem on His and Penelope Cruz’s Oscar Nominations: “Mine Won’t Make Any Sense Without Hers”
–– Nor with.

The movie about a woman who has sex with a car didn't get any Oscar nominations. That's a huge mistake.
–– Offender bender.

Jessica Chastain On Her Surprising Oscar Nomination For Best Actress: “It Feels Like Things Have Come Full Circle”
–– "Getting nominated for a third so-so performance."

Kirsten Dunst 'screamed' when she and fiancé Jesse Plemons both got Oscar nominated for 'Power of the Dog'
–– Didn't 'yip', 'howl', 'bark'?

Seth Rogen: ‘Maybe People Just Don’t Care’ About the Oscars, and ‘Why Should They?’
–– We'll just keep eye out for all your noms, Seth.

Razzie Awards: Bruce Willis Bags His Own Category for 8 Bad Performances in One Year
–– Die hard laughing.

Ana de Armas' 'Blonde' Director Clarifies Netflix Clash Rumors: 'It's an NC-17' Marilyn Monroe Film
–– Scum like it hot.

How Did ‘Death on the Nile’ Become Such a Publicity Nightmare?
–– No great mystery.

Death on the Nile Banned from Movie Theaters in Lebanon and Kuwait Because of Gal Gadot: Report
–– And in other territories due to exhibitors watching it first.

Jennifer Aniston’s Dogs Really Don’t Want Her To Work Out
–– Feet are really killing her.

Town Votes Down Affordable Housing After Dave Chappelle Threatens To Pull Business
–– Chapelle and worse.

Billie Eilish Praised for Stopping Concert to Get Fan an Inhaler: ‘We’re Taking Care of Our People’
–– Often sounds like she needs an inhaler.

Kanye West Says Billie Eilish Insulted Travis Scott, Threatens to Pull Out of Coachella
–– Makes her Billie goat.

Royal Nod for ‘Queen Camilla’ Caps Years of Image Repair
–– At 95 lots of nodding from Queen these days.

Prince Andrew was obsessed with anal sex, ex-physical therapist claims
–– Asshole would be.

Mookie on relationship with Buckner: 'We were that close'
–– ‘Like a ground ball hugging the dirt as it passes through your legs.’

An Israeli model says a Chinese company named and modeled a sex doll after her down to her 'beauty mark,' but taking legal action could be tricky, a lawyer says
–– Unless she copyrighted cooze.

The Mile High Club, Complete With Membership Cards
–– And dildoes with altimeters.

Adidas celebrates ‘breasts in all shapes and sizes’ in bold new sports bra ad: 'It's important to normalize the human body'
–– They're milking idea.

A couple is suing a New York hotel for $5 million after they say 'severe' noise restrictions 'destroyed' their daughter's wedding
–– Couldn't even hear crappy band playing too loud to hear self think.

High school students stage a walkout after they say they were forced to attend a Christian revival assembly during school hours
–– Before meeting they could not walk, Praise Jesus!

How they failed Vail! Colorado resort is blighted with endless lines and a crush for ski lifts after owners slashed price of season tickets and sold 2.1million passes this year - 76% more than in 2019
–– Vailed threat.

Colorado county clerk turns herself in to authorities for charges of obstructing a peace officer and obstructing government operations
–– Identified as block party.

A slot machine in Las Vegas malfunctioned and didn't tell a tourist they won. The gaming board tracked them down
–– To inform him he was ‘LOSER!!’

How London almost got its own Eiffel Tower
–– But couldn’t figure how to smuggle out of Paris.

British terror suspect, 25, denies leaving family holiday to join ISIS
–– 'Although Christmas with me Mum is worse then beheading.'

Iran taunts Israel by testing missile named after medieval Jewish defeat
–– With exaggerated nose cones.

Town Called Itself a Big Cat Habitat to Block Housing, Then Reversed Course
–– Even blocked cat houses?

“Show some respect": Crumbley parents' romantic gestures irritate prosecutors
–– Dry humping in witness box frowned upon.

White father and son charged for allegedly chasing and shooting at Black FedEx driver
–– When they didn’t receive new Klan robe shipment.

Fatal police shootings in 2021 set record since The Post began tracking, despite public outcry
–– Based on what record number of fatal shootings from perps?

Body of 70-year-old Italian woman found sitting in chair, two years after her death
–– In front of plate of Frutti di Morte.

Ex-N.Y.C. Shelter Boss to Pay $1.2 Million After Bribery Plea
–– Gimme shekel.

Canada truckers protest: Injunction granted to stop horn honking
–– Geese gonna honk.

Canadian leader declares state of emergency over bridge blockade, plans to arrest protesters
–– Politely.

Rand Paul urges truckers to disrupt Super Bowl and come to D.C.: ‘I hope they clog up cities’
–– ‘So they resemble my lower colon after servicing President Trump.’

Kids are flocking to Facebook’s ‘metaverse.’ Experts worry predators will follow.
–– 'Metaverse' is up in tree?

How The Sims Became the Internet’s Most Exciting Place to Eat
–– You do realize you can’t actually ‘eat’ their ‘food’, right?

Changing your diet could add up to 13 years to your life, study says
–– Americans already living way too long.

Michigan beef found to contain dangerous levels of ‘forever chemicals’
–– Which will always repeat on you.

How 2 Pterosaurs’ Last Meals Ended Up in the Fossil Record
–– C'mon, cough it up.

Giant moose tramples dog sled team in Alaska for almost an hour
–– Giant mush.

Indonesia crocodile finally freed from tire after six years
–– Croc: ‘It was a good year.’

Chimps seen applying 'medicine' to one another for first time
–– Banana oil.

Dozens of Decapitated Skeletons Found at Roman Cemetery in England
–– Real head scratcher.

Here’s Why I’ll Be Keeping My Shoes on in Your Shoeless Home
–– You didn’t clean up after your dog on front walk and I don’t like you.

Training can help leash-reactive dogs ignore triggers on walks
–– Tell us this can be applied to oversensitive college students.

SpaceX loses 40 new satellites after geomagnetic storm knocks them out of orbit
–– Which seems cosmically careless.

Astronomers discovered a mysterious spinning mass at the edge of our galaxy
–– After years pondering what happened to Michael Flatley.

A giant donut-shaped machine just proved a near-limitless clean power source is possible
–– Theory has holes in it.

New spinal cord stimulation study puts people with paralysis on their feet again
–– Did number on them.