It Takes a Villain
Week of 03/04/22
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Putin wants ‘normalization’ of global relations, saying there is ‘no need’ for sanctions on Russia
–– After 'average, everyday' visit to neighbor.
Sean Penn walked to Polish border to leave Ukraine
–– Fled man walking.
A top Russian official appeared to threaten France with 'real war' after the French finance minister said Western sanctions would 'cause the collapse of the Russian economy'
–– Leave cities in ruble.
Western sanctions are already disrupting Russia's economy, with the ruble slumping 30% and interest rates jumping to 20%. Here's what's happening and how the situation could play out.
–– Putin might be unable to purchase Viagra, Botox, elevator shoes.
China Asked Russia to Delay Ukraine War Until After Olympics, U.S. Officials Say
–– Offered Bing Dwen Dwen as army mascot.
Ukraine’s President Zelensky: In the streets of a war-rattled city, a hero is born
–– In World War Z.
Zelensky tells Russian troops not to trust their commanders or Kremlin propaganda: 'Just save your lives. Leave.'
–– ‘Or die for a psycho-killer’s vanity project.’
Russian army deploys its TOS-1 heavy flamethrower, capable of vaporizing human bodies, near Ukrainian border, footage shows
–– Not Cold War anymore.
'Erratic?' 'Delusional?' Lawmakers question Putin's stability as he puts nuclear forces on alert
–– Guess Trump did rub off.
Putin refers to Ukraine as 'Nazis.' Expert explains possible reason why
–– Narcissists do tend to project.
EU shuts airspace to Russian airlines, will buy Ukraine arms
–– Left ones go for 50€ each.
Sen. Ron Johnson Says Nancy Pelosi Bears Blame For Putin Invading Ukraine
–– Reserving judgment on whether she prompted attack on Pearl Harbor.
Rep. Lauren Boebert Says Canada And U.S. 'Need To Be Liberated' Like Ukraine
–– Needs to first clean out own head.
Ukraine prompts UN Secretary-General to cancel his Geneva trip
–– Whoa, it’s getting real.
Ashton Kutcher tweets support for Ukraine, home country of wife Mila Kunis
–– President Zelensky vows to take break from war, travel to U.S., shake Kutcher’s hand.
Chris Licht has been selected as next president of CNN
–– After Jeff Zucker was licked?
RT was Russia’s answer to CNN. Now its pro-Putin spin on Ukraine is sparking new outrage.
–– Thinking of hiring Jeff Zucker, Allison Gollust, Chris Cuomo.
Russia is stopping rocket engine sales to the US and their space chief said, ‘Let them fly on something else, their broomsticks’
–- Is Putin’s available for rent?
CNN reporter discovers he is crouching by grenade while on air
–– Fails to hatch.
Russia’s space chief responds to new sanctions by suggesting that the ISS could crash into the US or Europe
–– ‘Is nice countries you are having there, would be shame if something should heppen to them. I am just saying…’
US, allies to kick certain Russian banks out of SWIFT banking system
–– SWIFT retribution?
EU chief says bloc wants Ukraine as member
–– Boris Johnson: ‘Please, join us, old bloke –– have you ever tried spotted dick?’
Neutral Swiss poised to freeze Russian assets - president
–– And it’s pretty cold in Alps this time of year.
Brazil’s Bolsonaro refuses to sanction Russia, says Ukrainians “trusted a comedian with the fate of a nation”
–– How has Brazil done with clown?
Former Miss Ukraine Anastasiia Lenna picks up a gun and vows to defend her country: 'The invaders will die on our land!'
–– Joins Howling Glammandos.
A Ukrainian mechanic heard about attacks in Kyiv, so he tried to sink a superyacht
–– With splash of vodka.
Bars rename Moscow Mules and pour out Russian vodka to protest the Ukraine invasion
–– To Dnipro Donkeys.
The history of molotov cocktails, from the Spanish Civil War to Ukraine
–– We want to hear about Flaming Dr. Pepper next.
Russia’s War Prompts a Pitch for ‘Socially Responsible’ Military Stocks
–- Killing with kindness?
George W. Bush Recounts the Time Vladimir Putin 'Dissed' His Dog
–– Was Barney frank?
FIFA suspends Russia from playing international soccer indefinitely
–– Thank Putin for making FIFA look rectitudinous.
‘The View': Sunny Hostin and Ana Navarro Clash Over Nigerian Students Trying to Evacuate Ukraine
–– As long as they’re debating conflict’s key issue.
Paramount Pulls Upcoming Russia Releases Including ‘Sonic 2,’ ‘The Lost City’
–– Which could be interpreted as charitable aid.
North Korea fires 'at least one ballistic missile,' Japan says
–– In pathetic cry for attention.
Taliban begin house searches, sparking fear, diplomatic criticism
–– Imam: 'Aw, can't we lean on the apostates without every infidel getting knickers in a twist?'
Saudi youth spared the sword is given new death sentence
–– Death by 1,000 cuts.
Anti-money-laundering body puts UAE on global 'gray' list
–– Government spokesperson: 'It is emir inconvenience.'
Vice President Harris to travel to Poland and Romania
–– Anywhere far from White House.
Manchin sits with Republicans during State of the Union
–– On laps.
Chris Christie Says What We’re All Thinking Of Trump Calling Putin ‘Savvy’
–– It’s like calling Trump ‘classy.’
Trump warns of a potential 'world war' as a result of Russia-Ukraine conflict
–– Well, he’s been right about everything else.
CPAC theme is clear: Republicans ready to fight over cultural values they hold dear
–– Racism, gun-love, greed.
Jan. 6 Committee Lays Out Potential Criminal Charges Against Trump
–– Provides little incite.
Trump took documents to Mar-a-Lago that are so sensitive they may not be described in public, report says
–– May only be referred to as ‘an indeterminate number of rectilinear pages, perhaps, white, affixed with a fastener of metalloid composition.’
Trump jokes his teenage son Barron knows how to hack into his computer
–- And wears Guy Fawkes mask around house.
Trump asks appeals court to delay his testimony in probe by New York's attorney general while calling out Letitia James for leading an 'impermissible selective prosecution'
–– His version of rope-a-dope where’s he’s dope on ropes.
Ex-Prosecutor Says She Can Prove Trump Committed Two Crimes
–– Besides the coiffe?
Bill Barr says a 2024 Trump White House bid would be 'dismaying,' wants the GOP to 'look forward': book
–– And see Trump's fat ass in front of them.
Hear how Trump reacted when Barr told him election claims were 'bullsh**t'
–– With some ‘bullsh**t.
Trump says his White House doctor knew ‘every inch of my body – he thinks it’s a beautiful sight’
–– ‘He did puke when he saw brain scan.’
‘Crack’s not really my thing’: Donald Trump Jr closes out CPAC with rambling speech
–– ‘But any coke in a storm.’
Roger Stone Distances Himself From ‘Stop the Steal’ and Insurrection After WaPo Documentary Bombshell
–– Insists he was trying to keep Michael Steele from heading RNC again.
Biden denies Navarro, Flynn privilege claims in 1/6 probe
–– What privilege?
Capitol rioter from Idaho gets 4 years for attacking police with pipe
–– Judge asks why he didn’t just toss spud.
Family of Capitol rioter said he died of a 'broken heart' and blamed the justice system for killing his 'zest for life'
–– Whatever it takes.
Proud Boys Leader Yells Racist Slurs Before Attacking Black Woman
–– Keeping on despicable brand.
Kevin McCarthy condemns Marjorie Taylor Greene and Paul Gosar for attending 'appalling and wrong' white nationalist event: 'This is unacceptable'
–– ‘After every racist dog whistle I refused to acknowledge.’
The rat problem in Washington, DC, is so bad, two people got hantavirus
–– In Senate cloakroom.
Texas Republican quits U.S. House race, admits affair with former ISIS war bride
–– That just about ISIS it.
Pentagon says it was 'a fat finger mistake' when Biden's defense secretary retweeted a screenshot from one of Tucker Carlson's pro-Putin monologues
–– Carlson’s ‘fat head mistake.’
Biden's top student-loan official said much more student debt relief is to come, but asks borrowers 'not to flood our phone lines'
–– Then gives out number of DC dry cleaner.
SCOTUS nominee Ketanji Brown Jackson snags big conservative endorsement
–– How about mad libs?
How a High School Debate Team Shaped Ketanji Brown Jackson
–– That’s, um, nice.
House centrists: Tlaib State of the Union plan is like "keying your own car"
–– After slashing Joe Biden's tires.
Progressives keep losing in education — they need school choice
–– Choosing better ones to attend?
Chicago Mayor Bragged About Having ‘the Biggest Dick’ in Bizarre Zoom Rant, Lawsuit Claims
–– Sounds like real hard-on.
Congress nears passing antilynching bill after more than a century of failed attempts
–– After far too many hang-ups.
Romney on Greene, Gosar: 'I have morons on my team'
–– It is Suicide Squad.
Saudi crown prince says he does not care if Biden misunderstands him - The Atlantic
–– Does he mind Biden understanding perfectly well he’s degenerate murderer?
‘Law & Order' is back on the beat after 12-year hiatus
–– Feat flatter than ever.
Kanye West Shares Disturbing ‘Eazy’ Video: Kidnaps, Kills Claymation Pete Davidson
–– Eazy prey.
‘Fresh’ Writer Lauryn Kahn on That Bite Sequence and Why Less Cannibal Gore Was More
–- Chew on that.
Elizabeth Holmes’s Makeup on The Dropout Is Intentionally Terrible
–– We assume you mean psychological?
I would watch the TV series ‘Yellowstone,’ but the language is just too blue for me
–– Sounds like your hair might be too blue.
Leonard Nimoy’s Children and William Shatner Pay Tribute to Legend, Noting It’s Been 7 Years Since He Passed
–– Swell, but what is seven years? Dilithium anniversary?
Melinda Gates Says Bill Gates’s Work with “Abhorrent” Jeffrey Epstein Led to Divorce
–– Was suspicious of ‘youth outreach’ program.
Sam Elliott calls Oscar favorite 'The Power of the Dog' a 'piece of s***'
–– Dog squats?
Bob Odenkirk says Chris Farley's appearance in Saturday Night Live 'Chippendales Audition' sketch was 'a huge bummer'
–– Gut-wrenching.
Morris Day Slams Prince’s Estate, Says He’s Forbidden From Performing as the Time
–– Day Time stamps.
Fire Breaks Out at ‘Downton Abbey,’ ‘Peaky Blinders’ Set in U.K.
–– Fire department's response 'crawley.'
SAG Awards: ‘CODA,’ ‘Squid Game,’ ‘Succession’ Score Major Wins
–– Hard actors to follow.
How the Oscar-nominated costumes in 'Cyrano' tell a story of their own
–– Massimo, you made the pants too long.
What kind of show does ‘Euphoria’ want to be?
–– The kind people like you write about.
Meghan Markle Reached Out to Her NAACP Image Awards Dress Designer Over Email: 'I Was Struck by Her Warmth'
–– Disappoint her, be struck by open palm.
As MLB cancels Opening Day, it's biggest problem may not be greed
–– Oh, but it is.
Serena Williams slams New York Times for mistaking her for sister Venus
–– Guess Times doesn’t praise living hell out of her often enough.
Serena Williams says she ‘would be in jail’ if she behaved like Zverev on court
–– Life tough for endlessly-hyped, overexposed multi-millionaire.
Tiger Woods wins $8M award for generating positive media interest on PGA Tour -- despite playing just one tournament
–– Absence makes the fund grow heartier.
Climate change, COVID loom over Alaska's 50th annual Iditarod Sled Dog Race
–– Don’t get all mushy.
Cain Velasquez, former UFC champion, arrested in Bay Area shooting
–– Cain slew able?
Blind date: ‘She ordered four shots of tequila before she’d sat down to dinner’
–– ‘And I thought: she already gets me!’
Flight diverted to Houston to remove three unruly passengers
–– And leave with other unruly Texans.
Years ago, she told police she had been abducted, beaten and branded. Now she's charged with making it all up
–– A swap's fable.
Ne’er-do-well grandson admits stealing $679,000 from his own grandparents for phony college tuition payments — he pretended to be attending Oxford
–– Aspired to do-well.
Meet Your Amazing Pancreas (and Keep it Healthy!)
–– So don’t touch with your dirty hands.
Spoil your pet with one or more of these 11 items on sale
–– 9. Vibra-Pussy Muscle Massager.
More People Are Microdosing for Mental Health. But Does It Work?
–– Give us snort, we’ll let you know.
Wife is ‘devastated’ when husband pushes to make her little sister their surrogate the ‘traditional’ way: ‘Rethink [your] marriage’
–– Wants to go all sister wife on her.
‘You want a show?’ Watch drunk traveler melt down then get shocked at Orlando airport
–– Taser Light Show!
Cargo ship carrying thousands of luxury cars to U.S. sinks in Atlantic Ocean
–– Should we start GoFundMe campaign for poor owners of Porsches, Lamborghinis, Bentleys?
Bitcoin is getting even dirtier
–– Insists on wearing assless chaps, nipple rings.
Nitro Pepsi Is A Thing That Exists Now — And While It's Cool In Theory, It Doesn’t Exactly Deliver On Taste
–– Not a gas?
The surprising reason why Wendy's burgers are square
–– To match customers.
What Does the End of Beef Mean for Our Sense of Self?
–– Our? Let us hear from cattle rancher next time.
Here Comes the Full Amazonification of Whole Foods
–– Dig those anaconda empanadas.
How Amazon is drastically undercounting its carbon footprint
–– Can it return for extra-wide?
Missing man found dead in Arkansas woods with his dog still standing by him, cops say
–– With leg raised, but still…
Mid-budget movies as we knew them are in decline. What does that mean for cinema?
–– From journalist who graduated college in 2019.
A Kennedy’s Crusade Against Covid Vaccines Anguishes Family and Friends
–– REff’dK Jr.
Mitchell Ryan, Actor in 'Lethal Weapon' and 'Dharma & Greg,' Dies at 88
–– Ryan's no hope.
Veronica Carlson, Actress in Hammer Horror Movies, Dies at 77
–– Hammer dropped.
