Ham Invasion
Week of 02/25/22
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
U.S. stands ready to evacuate Zelensky, Russia’s ‘target No. 1’
–– Before he evacuates self.
Swiss sharpen measures targeting Russia
–– With army knives.
Zelensky rejects US evacuation offer: I need ammunition, ‘not a ride’
––
Damn, who has this guy got writing for him?
Putin announced attacks against Ukraine on Thursday in the same suit he wore for his Monday speech, prompting speculation that his war declaration was pretaped
–– Or he shot tailor as spy.
Putin Sent in Troops Disguised With White Peace Monitor Symbols and Ukrainian Uniforms, Says Kyiv
–– Hey, he’s not playing fair.
Russia ‘alone’ responsible for death and destruction in Ukraine, Biden says
–– Putin never shares credit.
Fighting breaks out near Chernobyl, leading to fears of nuclear contamination over Europe
–– Mirroring Putin’s meltdown.
Ukrainian president pleads for peace as Russian forces are ‘uncoiled’ near the border
–– The snakes!
Ukrainian soldiers "ready for any scenario" as mortar shells explode near front line, interior minister says
–– ‘Except script for Uncharted sequel. Is unthinkable.’
Ukrainian woman says Russian troops should carry seeds so flowers grow where they die
–– Fertilizer in heads will help.
The real reason Putin played a pussycat during the Trump presidency
–– Was hoping Donald would grab pussy.
Ukraine's top diplomat tells the United Nations a full-blown war with Russia would be 'the end of the world order as we know it'
–– ‘Of course our history education in school ends in 1245 AD, but still …’
Sean Penn on the Ground in Ukraine Filming Documentary About Russia’s Invasion
–– Ukrainians must be breathing sigh of relief.
China told its citizens who are currently in Ukraine to 'stay at home' or display the Chinese flag on their cars amid Russia attacks
–– Passover for anti-semites.
Chinese news outlet accidentally posts censorship instructions on Russia-Ukraine coverage
–– Don’t want to criticize brother from another murderer.
Iran Blames the United States For Russia's Invasion of Ukraine
–– Finally, unbiased opinion!
Harvard economist and former Obama advisor says Russia is 'basically a big gas station' and is otherwise 'incredibly unimportant' in the global economy
–– Petro dullards.
Canada cancels $700M in export permits in response to Russian invasion of Ukraine
–– Will need to produce own maple syrup.
Putin's Attack on Ukraine Is an Attempt to Delay His Own Inevitable Demise
–– Thoughtfully, has death wish for others.
Putin could be stripped of hosting the Super Bowl of Europe
–– That should teach him error of ways.
Applebee’s says its commercial ‘never should have aired’ during CNN’s Russia-Ukraine coverage
–– Though many associate brand with 'dropping bombs.'
Russia’s attack on Ukraine: ‘Now is not a time to be buying the dip’ in stocks, cautions Wells Fargo strategist
–– Especially onion, three-bean.
’The Simpsons' showrunner explains how the series predicted the Russia-Ukraine conflict in 1998
–– Can he explain repeated asinine news stories about show's 'predictions?'
David Lynch Condemns Putin: 'All This Death and Destruction Will Come Back to Visit You'
–– 'In weird, violent dreams you will not understand, and will likely include a dwarf other than you.'
Only one former secretary of state is praising Putin and criticizing Biden in Ukraine crisis
–– Think now… he's dumb fuck with initials Mike Pompeo…
Trump falsely blames Russia's invasion of Ukraine on 'rigged election' in the US before Fox News cut him off
–– Where on crazy spectrum do you need to be to have Fox News shut you down?
Biden nominates Ketanji Brown Jackson to be first Black woman to sit on Supreme Court
–– Isn't job title 'Justice'?
How Paul Ryan is related to Ketanji Brown Jackson
–– 2 arms, 2 legs?
2 Prosecutors Leading N.Y. Trump Inquiry Resign, Clouding Case’s Future
–– Wouldn't suggest being in their car when they turn ignition key.
Furious Trump Says Taking Home Classified Documents Was Part Of 'Routine' Process
–– 'Every night at 10pm, after calling Hannity, planning Big Lie, sexting with Putin!'
Will President Joe Biden eventually issue a pardon to Donald Trump?
–– Yes, right after he visits Mars, returns with Marvin.
Devin Nunes left Congress for Trump's media company. This is how it's going
–– After three weeks he found front door.
Kimberly Guilfoyle, fiancée of Donald Trump Jr., meets and clashes with Jan. 6 committee
–– Should never have worn that outfit.
Prosecutors seek 90-day sentence for Jan. 6 defendant photographed with Pelosi's lectern
–– Might as well have given him stern lecture.
Capitol rioter Jenna Ryan says she watched TV, ate bologna sandwiches, and met 'a lot of great people' during her 60 days in prison
–– Was already full of baloney.
GOP Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene Speaks At White Nationalist Conference
–– At least sloppy piehole was moving.
Fired Newsmax White House Reporter Emerald Robinson Hired by Mike Lindell’s Streaming Network
–– Nicknamed Incontinence.
AOC Tells Tucker Carlson ‘You’re a Creep, Bro’ After He Suggests She Tossed Out ‘an Invitation to a Booty Call’
–– Tucker outed.
Psaki on Cruz 'Peanuts' character comparison: 'Don't tell him I like Peppermint Patty'
–– Leave it to Pigpen.
Texas Governor Pushes to Investigate Medical Treatments for Trans Youth as ‘Child Abuse’
–– Without trans substantiation.
Black Farmers Fear Foreclosure as Debt Relief Remains Frozen
–– White farmers cool with it?
Jenna Bush Hager Remembers How She Once Took Grandpa George to See Bruno : 'I Didn't Know!'
–– 'How funny he'd find homophobic gags.'
Donny Osmond On Michael Jackson: “We Were Just Trying To Be Normal”
–– How’d that work out?
Wendy Williams Feels Sherri Shepherd's Show Announcement Is A 'Slap In The Face' As The Former Talk Show Host Works On Multi-Million Dollar Podcast Deal: Source
–– Maybe that’ll sober her up.
Ty Pennington Reacts to Critics of His Body After Swimsuit Photo: 'I'm Human and I Have Feelings'
–– There had been doubts.
‘Bel-Air’ gives us a new Will Smith, thanks to Will Smith
–– Gee, thanks, Will, just what we wanted!
Miley Cyrus Joins Gucci’s ‘Love Parade’ Campaign in Sheer Bra, Fishnets and Pierced Mules
–– Half-asses have safety pins hanging from lips, long ears.
Francis Ford Coppola to Spend His Own $120 Million on New Film: I Don’t Care ‘About the Financial Impact’
–– Another One From the Heart?
Anthony Edwards and Mare Winningham Quietly Eloped Last Year: 'We're Too Old to Throw Weddings'
–– They’re too old to throw rice.
‘Mad Max’ Crew Details Explosive Charlize Theron-Tom Hardy Fight: ‘She’s Swearing Her Head Off at Him’
–– Grew Furiosa and Furiosa.
Tinder Swindler is tracked down to high-end complex in Tel Aviv
–– Where she’s preparing for next quirky film role?
Brie Larson shares the secret to her superhero abs with fans: 'Strongest Avenger'
–– If only her acting was so tight.
Lindsay Lohan Joins TikTok and Shocks Fans with the Pronunciation of Her Last Name
–– That is shocking –– she has fans.
Katy Perry Exits Jimmy Kimmel Live Taping in Giant Poop Costume Identical to Her Vegas Show Prop
–– For shits and giggles.
Heist on Set of ‘The Crown’ Sees Thieves Steal Over $200,000 Worth of Antique Props
–– Will try to fence with Peaky Blinders.
Whoopi Goldberg is 'untouchable' at 'The View' after suspension
–– She’s caste member?
‘Hard-partying bands are the outliers now’: how rock’n’roll broke up with booze and drugs
–– And decent music.
Country Star Compares Teachers To Pedophiles In Speech Backing Tennessee Book Ban
–– Touchy subject.
Ricky Steamboat expects a fight in Charlotte and vows to ‘get the upper hand’
–– Real tug o’ war.
Cross-country skier Remi Lindholm suffers frozen penis in mass start race
–– Almost cracked ski pole.
Phil Mickelson apologizes for explosive Saudi golf comments, loses sponsor
–– Accused MBS of murdering Khashoggi? Like saying sorry for hole-in-one.
Jerry Lewis’ Co-Stars Accuse Comic Legend of Sexual Harassment: ‘He Began to Fondle Me’
–– 'While doing his 'Laaady' shtick. It was monstrous."
Vice President At University of Alabama Resigns After His Alleged Involvement In A Prostitution Sting
–– The whips stung.
Records: Suring High School nurse who helped strip-search students expressed concern, was told to talk only to police
–– Did students come in handy?
A royal watcher says Prince Harry and Meghan Markle were ousted before Prince Andrew because they undermined the family's image
–– While he helped solidify old perv demo.
Columbia Psychiatry Chair Suspended After Tweet About Dark-Skinned Model
–– Blacked out.
Bernie Madoff's sister and her husband dead in apparent murder-suicide
–– Now you see what they're Madoff.
Why L.A. D.A. Gascón reversed himself on sentencing of woman who assaulted 10-year-old
–– Just remembered job was to protect victims.
'A good day:' George Floyd's brother praises civil rights verdict
–– Hope family breathes easier.
‘He Slipped My Radar, and I’m F–ked Up About It’: Furries Speak Out About Alleged Portland Shooter
–– Hell hath no furry…
At 16, Larry Miller killed another teen. At 72, the Nike executive is ready to apologize
–– Just do it already!
More than $1M in narcotics found during I5 traffic stop in Merced County, CHP says
–– Which cops took in for…um…uh…questioning.
Trio trying to cripple the US power grid and start a race war wore fentanyl-filled 'suicide necklaces'
–– Very impressive to learn after rubes arrested without incident.
Yale’s Happiness Professor Says Anxiety Is Destroying Her Students
–– We say Yale is destroying education.
How to end a conversation when someone won’t stop talking
–– What? We weren't listening.
Your delivery orders are making restaurants mad. Now they're fighting back
–– Pissed you kept them open.
A teen ate leftover rice and noodles. Hours later, doctors amputated his legs and fingers
–– You do not want to read his Yelp review.
I made a baked potato the 'British' way, and the inside was incredibly soft and fluffy
–– “My God, they’re coming to amputate my arms!”
It's 'Very Rare' for Food to Cause Organ Failure — but Here's How to Ensure Leftovers Are Safe to Eat
–– Begin by frisking them.
Scientists engineered bacteria to eat carbon dioxide and spit out clean chemicals
–– And wipe own mouths.
Woman mortified after stylist charges her $300 for ’emo hair’: ‘I can never leave the house’
–– She looks like Emo Philips?!
Toddler Diagnosed with Rare Uncombable Hair Syndrome: 'It Brings a Smile to Peoples' Faces'
–– So parents named him Boris.
An Alabama high school basketball team say they were forced to choose faith over a tournament game. The governor is demanding answers
–– Or trip to the Adventist.
Teacher of the year suspended for showing students a picture of her fiancée wins $100,000 settlement
–– To buy better camera equipment.
Why Won’t My Boyfriend Shut Up About How Much He Loves His Ex?
–– Got a mirror?
Brain scan of dying man show possible 'life flashing’
–– Isn’t that supposed to be before his eyes?
Archaeologists Find World's Oldest Deer Camp and 9,000-Year-Old Hunting Trap
–– Camp Buck-a-Ewe.
9,000-year-old face sculptures uncovered in Jordan desert
–– Looked like Botched! waiting room.
Biggest-ever cache of mummification tools unearthed in Egypt
–– Jarring find.
Largest Jurassic Pterosaur on Record Unearthed in Scotland
–– With his 70 rpm recording of Bye Bye Blackbird.
Dogs experience a form of mourning when another dog in the household dies
–– Did seem to be licking selves morosely.
Woman Refuses To Walk Son's Dog Because Name Is Too Embarrassing
–– Woman’s or son’s?
Hank the Tank, a 500-Pound Bear, Ransacks a California Community
–– Along with Yogi the Roguey, Smokey the Chokey, Poo the Screw.
Behold, the tapir frog's magnificent snout
–– And listen: 'Ribbit…Honk!…ribbit…Honk!…'
Nasa’s next big space telescope could see Jupiter-sized exoplanets
–– Exo-lent!
Curiosity Finds a Bizarre Rock on Mars that Looks Like a Flower
–– And smells like skunk cabbage!
Millions of Americans will be forced into an involuntary polar plunge this week
–– Except for nuts in polar bear clubs.
Family Dollar is temporarily closing 404 stores after more than 1,000 dead rats were found in a distribution center
–– Need time to affix sales stickers.
Remaining Covid-19 protesters and police continue face-off in Ottawa amid freezing conditions
–– Wouldn't face mask feel good about now?
Novak Djokovic wins first match of 2022 at Dubai Tennis Championships
–– Gland slam event.
Queen Elizabeth Sends Message to Great Britain's Olympic Team amid Her COVID-19 Diagnosis
–– And to her son, “I’m not dead yet, Charlie!"
Boris Johnson announces the end of Covid restrictions in England
–– ‘Upon Prince Charles’ request. Especially around Buckingham Palace. Where we will relocate the majority of our testing sites and suggest patients cough towards the Royal bedroom.’
Fox's Neil Cavuto said a second case of Covid-19 nearly killed him
–– Don't give up, little virus, plenty more opportunites there.
Gary Brooker, Frontman of Rock Band Procol Harum, Dies at 76
–– Turned a whiter shade of pale.
Sally Kellerman Dies: Oscar-Nominated ‘MASH’ Star Who Played “Hot Lips” Houlihan Was 84
–– Buried in MASH grave.
