Putin His Left Foot In
Week of 02/18/22
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Biden 'convinced' Russia will invade Ukraine, but still hopes diplomacy will prevail
–– If he keeps repeating, might convince Vlad.
America’s Power Grid Is Increasingly Unreliable
–– It’s been outaged.
Why U.S. strategy includes raising public alarms on Russia
–– Can anyone say Taliban?
What does Putin want in Ukraine? The conflict explained
–– Little respect, lots of blood.
Putin tells Russian government to house people leaving Donbass
–– The dumbass.
Sandy Hook families announce $73 million settlement with Remington Arms in landmark agreement
–– But we always heard guns don't kill people, people kill people.
Senator Josh Hawley Puts His Capitol Riot Salute On Campaign Mug
–– Cup of joke.
Accounting Firm Cuts Ties With Trump and Retracts Financial Statements
–– Like undoing cement necktie during dip in Hudson.
Trump says accounting firm Mazars left his company over ‘intimidation’
–– Bullied by facts.
Republicans expressed unease after Trump's longtime accounting firm cut its ties with the former president
–– Taxes their nerves.
Trump said in court he had no 'knowledge' of his company's finances a day before he issued an 1,100-word statement defending his company's finances
–– Granted not single word made sense.
Rubio on Trump White House records at Mar-a-Lago probe: "It's not a crime, I don't believe"
–– Showing off U of Miami law degree.
Trump to sell Washington hotel to ARod, others
–– The price was roid.
New Biden Dept. of Energy hire is a nonbinary drag queen — 'an asset,' say queer activists
–– So Asset Queen?
Why Latinos are turning to the Republican Party
–– See above.
Ousted San Francisco school board president blames white supremacists for recall
–– Was vote held in Modesto?
Oath Keepers leader, facing seditious conspiracy charge in January 6 attack, seeks jail release
––- Splooges on bars.
GOP Rep. Jim Jordan says a Trump statement that suggested the execution of former Hillary Clinton campaign aides was 'right on target'
–– Had Jordan appeal.
Hillary Clinton Debuts New Hat To Mock Donald Trump's Document Shredding
–– Busta cap in his ass.
Donald Trump Reportedly Had to Use a Different Phone to Get Melania to Pick Up After Stormy Daniels News
–– Had to dial 1-800-SHE-HATE.
Watergate’s Central Mystery: Why Did Nixon’s Team Order the Break-in in the First Place?
–– They were bored –– hadn’t subverted Constitution for few weeks.
Ryan Zinke Broke Ethics Rules as Interior Secretary, Inquiry Finds
–– Zinke deficiency.
Jared Kushner has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize a second time for his work on the Abraham Accords
–– And it’s not even April 1.
Judge says he will throw out Sarah Palin’s libel suit against New York Times
–– Which is what you do with garbage.
Nicholas Kristof Can’t Run for Governor in Oregon After Losing Appeal
–– Didn’t have much to begin with.
143 Republicans are running for Congress in Texas. Only 13 say the 2020 election was legitimate.
–– The rest couldn't tell you how many of them were left if they were allowed to take socks off to count.
Liberals and Conservatives Unite to Dunk on Charlie Kirk for Calling Super Bowl Halftime Show ‘Sexual Anarchy’
–– Kirk de so lame.
Eminem Takes A Knee In The Middle Of Super Bowl 2022 Halftime Show
–– NFL: 'Should've been to his groin.'
Emma Thompson Says ‘Leo Grande’ Naked Scene Was the “Hardest Thing,” Women Are “Brainwashed” to Hate Their Bodies
–– By other women, trust horny men.
Bob Saget's autopsy report reveals multiple head fractures usually seen in 'high force injuries'
–– Cracks no joke.
CNN's Van Jones welcomed a baby with his longtime friend and said they will raise their daughter as 'conscious co-parents.' Here's what you should know about platonic parenting.
–– Noting many new parents black out from drink trying to cope.
At MSNBC, ratings have dropped almost 30% for Rachel Maddow’s replacements
–– Maddow muffin'.
Chevy Chase addresses claims that he's a 'jerk' on set: 'I don't give a crap!'
–– Almost as if he was a ‘jerk.’
Zoe Kravitz Says ‘High Fidelity’ Cancellation Was a “Big Mistake”
–– ‘We can never have enough crappy retreads on TV!’
Robert Pattinson said he demanded a pee 'flap' on his batsuit after seeking Christian Bale's advice
–– Producers made Bat Cave round so he wouldn’t go in corners.
Michael Che Counters Kanye West’s Offer to Double His ‘SNL’ Salary to Stop Working With Pete Davidson With a List of Demands
–– Ye or nay?
‘Jeen-Yuhs’ Directors Discuss Kanye West’s Legacy: ‘People Haven’t Seen Kanye Through an Empathetic Lens’
–– But only because lens was focused on him.
Jane Lynch says 'Glee' character Sue Sylvester 'would be MAGA' if show were on air today
–– Would join Lynch mob.
Elliot Page Memoir 'Pageboy' to Be Published in 2023
–– Will launch with bangs.
Chet Hanks says he didn't have a 'strong male role model' growing up
–– So life isn't like box of chocolates?
62 Famous Actors Who Tricked You Into Thinking They're American, But They Aren't
–– And 64 who tricked you into thinking they were Nigerian princes.
Kevin Feige Says ‘Moon Knight’ Will Be Loud and Brutal: “This Is a Different Thing”
–– As opposed to usual loud, stupid.
‘Spider-Man: No Way Home’ Takes Down ‘Avatar’ to Become Third-Biggest Movie Ever at Domestic Box Office
–– Na'vi blew.
We’d Like to—Respectfully—Ask George Lucas to Leave Grogu Alone
–– And that Disney ignore his repeated, insistent request to ‘baby-sit.’
Strawberry Mansion review: The best sci-fi love story since Eternal Sunshine
–– This week in Damning with Faint Praise.
Johnny Depp says he's 'on the verge of a new life' as he accepts medal from Serbian president
–– Sounds like Depp of despair.
‘I Love Lucy’ actor William Frawley said his TV wife Vivian Vance was a C-word, 'My Three Sons' co-star claims
–– Didn’t add, ‘I love coochy?’
Kodak Black, Three Others Injured in Shooting Outside L.A. Concert Afterparty
–– Fade to Black.
Super Bowl ratings rebound in a big way for the NFL and NBC
–– Rams down audience's throat.
Russian figure skater Kamila Valieva 'happy' about being cleared to compete at Beijing Olympics, but also 'tired emotionally'
–– ‘But my coach, she say she have a little something for that.’
Sha’Carri Richardson Notes 'Only Difference' She Sees Between Her And Kamila Valieva
–– Hmm, what’d she say? Let’s put on our thinking caps…
Olympic Committee leader says he's 'disturbed' by coach's treatment of Kamila Valieva
–– How about you canned her, avoided distress?
Olympics Live Updates: Eileen Gu Gets Silver in Slopestyle
–– Which we assume has something to do with her outfits.
Chinese social media users were appalled after the Beijing Games' panda mascot was accidentally revealed to have the voice of a middle-aged man
–– Bing Dwen Dwen sounds like Bing Crosby!
When Ski Ballet Pushed at the Porous Boundary Between Art and Sport
–– Has more holes than this analysis.
Matt Harvey testimony details: Cocaine, pill use revealed in trial over Tyler Skaggs' death
–– Why so many pitches were high.
Man Ray’s ‘Le Violon d’Ingres’ could become the most expensive photo ever sold
–– Barely.
People Are Pointing Out Privileges That Many Don't Even Recognize, And It's A Real Wake-Up Call
–– That Americans need real jobs.
Should You Worry About Dying In Your Sleep?
–– Worry? How about pray?
Americans less likely to have sex, partner up and get married than ever
–– We’re not fucking around.
Bye, Pink Pussycat: One of Miami’s most iconic strip clubs is no more. What we know
–– It was not pet store.
The ingredient that will change your chili forever
–– Pepto Bismal.
No Bugs, Few People and the Cold: The Pros and Cons of Winter Camping
–– Thaw losers.
I’ve Never Slept Better Than on a Japanese Futon
–– As did bed bugs who didn’t have to make long climb.
‘A Sense of Crisis’ for Wasabi, a Pungent Staple of Japanese Cuisine
–– Receives burn notice.
Justin Bieber almost single-handedly turned around Tim Hortons
–– Proving it wasn’t worth turning around.
Crypto Crash: Bitcoin Now Braced For A $100 Trillion Bombshell That Could Boost The Price Of Ethereum, BNB, Solana, Cardano And XRP
–– Which are all skin conditions, right?
British police launch investigation into Prince Charles' charity after reports that a Saudi tycoon donated $2 million in exchange for knighthood
–– Suspicious sircumstances.
Prince Andrew Settles Sexual Abuse Lawsuit With Virginia Giuffre
–– Without admitting to royal pain in the ass.
Greenwich Woman Pleads Guilty to Sex Crimes for Secret Videos of Minors
–– It’s empowering when woman do traditional men’s work.
A colleague noticed a woman’s baby bump was askew. Officials say she faked a pregnancy to get paid time off.
–– ‘Mom’-to-be: “Did I askew?’
A handyman was asked to build a strange room in a couple’s garage. Police say their son was locked inside and surveilled.
–– Shed's light on abuse.
Prosecutors Show Voluminous Evidence of Racism by Arbery Murderers
–– Killers thought that meant it was loud.
Arbery’s killers sent racist messages; one called his daughter’s Black boyfriend a slur, FBI analyst says
–– Shouldn’t that be s***?
Kim Potter sentenced to 24 months for Daunte Wright killing
–– Judge insists he just wanted to stun her.
Wichita mom headed to prison for killing man who allegedly beat son with baseball bat
–– Not to get too technical, but who used bat?
An American Airlines flight attendant hit an 'unruly passenger' in the head with a coffee pot as he tried to open the plane's exit door
–– At least it was decaf.
Why you should pack physical books when you travel
–– Airlines need money from baggage fees.
Cops Burn $66 Million Worth of a Tribe’s Cannabis ‘To Send a Message’
–– And totally fry anyone in quarter mile radius.
What Was Stonehenge For? The Answer Might Be Simpler Than You Thought.
–– Original tourist trap.
New critical race theory laws have teachers scared, confused and self-censoring
–– Kind of like critical race theory itself.
Twin sisters married to identical twin brothers reveal how they had kids at the same time
–– And cut hospital fee in half!
Opinion: Accurate descriptions of labor, according to notes I took on my phone while giving birth
–– On Ai! pad.
Opinion: Are retail closures caused by shoplifting or other factors? Well, yes.
–– Will we read this equivocal nonsense? Well, no.
My glow-up is so incredible people don’t believe I’m the same person
–– Keep asking, ‘Will you please glow-up?’
Abu Dhabi archaeologists discover 8,500 year old buildings
–– With indoor ski jump!
Versace restaurant mocked for ‘embarrassing’ $18 Caesar salad: ‘I’m taking this off my bucket list’
–– Leaves off.
An Entire Lizard Trapped in Amber is Gazing Back at Us from 110 Million Years Ago
–– With expression that says, ‘What you looking at, warmblood?’
Ancient bird with a 'movable CHIN' roamed China 120 million years ago
–– Movable CHIN also name of Beijing's top relocation specialist.
DNA Test Finally Reveals What Emaciated 'Mystery Animal' Is After It Was Rescued Last Month
–– Hollywood starlet!
An Ornate, 5,000-Year-Old Stone Drum Is the U.K.'s Most Significant Prehistoric Art Find in a Century
–– Which is kinda sad.
Bat falcon spotted for the first time in the U.S.
–– On Bruce Wayne’s wrist.
Woman escapes shark by punching it on nose off Florida coast
–– Busts snout.
Photographer Snaps Dogs Trying to Catch Cheese Cubes for a Good Cause: 'It's a Laugh a Minute'
–– Cause: Amusing simple-minded.
Dog in Shelter Over 200 Days Still Looking for a Home After No One Shows Up to Adoption Party
–– Dog parked.
Mars rover takes big steps in its most important mission
–– And it doesn’t even have legs.
SpaceX Tourists Will Make Attempt at Spacewalk During Flight
–– Leash likely to succeed.
How Bad Is the Western Drought? Worst in 12 Centuries, Study Finds.
–– Quoting ancient Anasazi weather shaman Wet Rock.
The West's megadrought is worst in 1,200 years. Los Angeles is taking wastewater recycling to the extreme
–– Exercise-mad Angelenos collecting own sweat for drinking water.
This NOAA map shows how your neighborhood will flood with each foot of sea level rise
–– And why NOAA needs to build ark.
Warming Temperatures Are Turning Antarctica Green
–– More bouquets for drowning victims!
A Highway paved with recycled diapers could lead to reduced waste
–– Even in pottyholes?
Truckers Arrested at Gunpoint as Police Advance Against Ottawa Protest
–– Grind to hauled.
Canadian truck drivers distance themselves from ‘Freedom Convoy’ protests
–– Provide lane excuses.
–– She grew immune to his charms.
Novak Djokovic says he’d rather skip Wimbledon and French Open than get a coronavirus vaccine
–– Double fault.
Las Vegas clerk killed self after shooting customer with no mask, police say
–– She wasn’t wearing mask either?
Isabel Torres, Actress Known for ‘Veneno’ on HBO Max, Dies at 52
–– Or not really known.
'Top Gun,' 'Beverly Hills Cop' actor Frank Pesce reportedly dies at 75: 'A force larger than life'
–– Sleeping with the fish.
Gail Halvorsen, ‘Candy Bomber’ in Berlin Airlift, Dies at 101
–– Lemon drops?
Beverly Ross, Teenage Songwriter in Rock ’n’ Roll’s Youth, Dies at 87
–– Lollipop off.
Ivan Reitman, producer and director of 'Ghostbusters,' has died at 75
–– Who you gonna pall?
