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Lard and Master
Week of 09/09/22

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Spoof of Donald Trump's call for a Special Master as a porn fim entitled Special Mistress starring Stormy Daniels as a sexy judge dominatrix who has Trump (billed as Dong Hump) on a leash as he crawls on the floor above the tagline, "She's His Top Secret Sexxxpert.'Trump, DOJ tangle over 'special master' to review seized Mar-a-Lago documents
–– Trump insists on choice with special needs.

McDonald's is adding a new treat for fall
–– A pick-me-up?

Trump wants to split the cost of the special master with the government but the DOJ wants him to pay for it
–– He'd put his halfsies on Trump Foundation Diner's Club Card.

Material on foreign nation’s nuclear capabilities seized at Trump’s Mar-a-Lago
–– With 1 through 5 'boom' ratings NSA created for Trump.

In ruling for Trump, low-profile judge Aileen Cannon invites scrutiny
–– Lose Cannon.

Steve Bannon pleads not guilty to NY state charges of money laundering, conspiracy and fraud related to border wall effort
–– Does cop to grooming charges from Hair Police.

Trump rally highlighting January 6 case of alleged Nazi sympathizer sparks criticism
–– Heil be back.

Texas governor says rape victims can prevent pregnancy by taking Plan B
–– If only it was around in his mother’s day.

The Climate Bill Finally Passed. The Climate Battle Has Just Begun
–– And it's gonna be Hot War.

Biden’s use of Marines during Philadelphia speech adds to debate over politicization of the military
–– Especially when they sang: 'From the Halls of the U.S. Senate To the shores of Waikiki; We fight Joe Biden's battles On air and cable TV.'

With endorsement of foreign autocrat, Trump proves Biden right
–– Finally smidge of proof of semi-fascism!

How One State Resisted Political Extremism — Against All Odds
–– Making exactly one reason you might move to Michigan.

Hillary declares 'as many' Republicans possible must lose for good of US; GOP must 'purge disease'
–– Asks League of Women Voters to distribute ex-lax at polling places.

Naomi Biden taps same planner for White House wedding as Chelsea Clinton: report
–– We hope in strictly commercial sense.

Liz Truss to succeed Boris Johnson as British prime minister, inheriting a country in crisis
–– Gain her Truss.

France Expels Imam Accused of Hate Speech, Reviving a Thorny Debate
–– Charlie Hebdo still pulling thorns out of grave plots.

Putin says Russia has "lost nothing" during its "special military operation" in Ukraine 
–– “Me losing mind was being before blessed military operation.’

Putin threatens to let Europe ‘freeze’ over winter, raising risk of energy rationing
–– Gas slights whole continent.

Europe Holds Emergency Talks on Energy-Market Intervention
–– Hope to bottle hot air for frigid months.

Russia has warned against capping energy prices. But Europe is thrashing out the details regardless
–– Will be burning thrash to keep warm.

U.S. Urges European Nations: Don’t Let Putin ‘Bully’ Over Energy Prices
–– ‘And don’t shiver –– you’ll look like wimps.’

Analysis-Kim Jong Un's 'decapitation' fears shine through in new N.Korea nuclear law
–– Wish he'd lose nuclear war head.

Black Lives Matter executive accused of 'syphoning' $10M from BLM donors, suit says
–– Is that like ‘siphoning’, CNN?

GOP Senate nominee in blue Washington says she supports state law guaranteeing abortion up to fetal viability
–– Extremists would extend right up to fetal visibility.

‘ABC World News Tonight’ Anchor David Muir Returns to Ukraine, Says Volodymyr Zelensky “Determined to Use Every Tool” to Keep West Engaged
–– ‘Including me.’

When ‘wokeness’ comes to Middle-earth: Why some say diverse casting ruins the new ‘Lord of the Rings’ series
–– More than 'wackness' of writing?

Lord of the Rings’ First Female Dwarf Does, in Fact, Have a Beard
–– Producers found her in Moria circus sideshow.

‘The Rings of Power’ Star Morfydd Clark Defends Galadriel as Action Hero: ‘Her Serenity Is Hard Earned’
–– Or ‘we needed female hero and she was closest candidate.’

Elon Musk slams The Rings of Power show: “Tolkien is turning in his grave”
–– What's Musk Tolkien on now?

‘House of Hammer’: See the Most Shocking Messages Armie Hammer Allegedly Sent to Women
–– To really, y’know, prove you’re a feminist.

‘The Crown’ Casts Its Prince William and Kate Middleton for Season 6
–– 2 bottles of vanilla extract unavailable.

Jeremy Strong Calls New Yorker Profile a ‘Profound Betrayal’: ‘I Felt Foolish’
–– Labels Eustace Tilly ‘a quisling.’

Foo Fighters pay tribute to drummer Taylor Hawkins at emotional London concert
–– Never was so much owed by so many to so Foo.

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck didn’t let a stomach bug ruin their big day
–– Still said ‘I doo-doos’.

Dave Chappelle & Norm Macdonald Get Cold Shoulder As Adele Performance Scores Variety Special Emmy
–– Norm’s particularly cold.

Dave Chappelle says Will Smith slapping Chris Rock showed 'he's just as ugly as the rest of us'
–– Um, speak for yourself.

Chris Rock criticizes Will Smith's apology for Oscars slap: 'F*** your hostage video'
–– Blink twice if you’re remotely sincere.

The Weeknd cancels Los Angeles show mid-song due to vocal issues
–– Provides weak end.

The reclusive owner of OnlyFans rakes in more than $500 million from the adult website in less than 2 years, report says
–– Ahead of beating-off competitors?

Harry Styles Says He Has “No Idea What I’m Doing” When It Comes to Acting
–– We know, Harry.

Chris Pine’s Rep Denies Harry Styles Spat on ‘Don’t Worry Darling’ Co-Star: “Complete Fabrication”
–– Exceeding expectorations.

‘The Boys’ Creator Eric Kripke Tells Toxic Fans to Stop Watching the Show: ‘Eat a Bag of Dicks’ and ‘F— Off to the Sun’
–– Mad about The Boys.

Brendan Fraser Sobs During 6-Minute Standing Ovation for ‘The Whale’ During Venice Premiere
–– Through blowhole.

Norman Lear Comedy Starring Laverne Cox, George Wallace a Go at Freevee
–– We’ll wait til it's on Paymevee.

Legendary record producer explains why he never wanted to be photographed with Bob Marley
–– His dreads didn’t measure up.

John Legend on How Chrissy Teigen’s Miscarriage Made the Couple “Stronger,” His Fallout With Kanye “Ye” West
–– Is this Kanye alter-ego or other asshole with same name?

Courteney Cox responds to Kanye West saying 'Friends' wasn't funny: 'I bet the old Kanye thought Friends was funny'
–– Before he finished clown school?

Kate Hudson jokes that she 'almost threw my ring into the water' after getting lost on a hike with fiancé Danny Fujikawa
–– A fountain in mall in front of Nordstrom’s.

Zac Efron Explains Why His Jaw Suddenly “Got Really, Really Big”
–– Kept stroking chin.

Eva Mendes on Quitting Acting: ‘I Don’t Really Miss It’
–– Acting: ‘Right back ‘atcha.’

Jeanette McCurdy shares disturbing email from late mother on ‘Red Table Talk’
–– CNN still promoting Jada Pinkett Smith’s show?

Naked 'Nevermind' baby loses lawsuit against Nirvana after judge dismisses child pornography complaint
–– Lawyer Snooks plans to appeal.

Martha Stewart says posing in only an apron at age 81 'didn't faze her one iota'
–– Plus she couldn’t remember where she left clothes.

Comedian Jenny Yang’s Food Education Campaign Asks Goop to Rethink MSG Messaging
–– MSG gives us headache just rethinking about it.

Retailers pull lobster from menus after 'red list' warning
–– Issued by lobsters.

Queen Elizabeth II, who reigned over the U.K. for 70 years, dies at 96
–– Reign's down.

The Death of Queen Elizabeth: ‘We Shall Not Know Her Like Again’
–– ‘Unless we live, like, another 70 years.’

The queen was wickedly funny, as James Bond and Paddington Bear found out
–– Could really crack up fictional characters.

Corgi owners say community has ‘lost part of our world’ with Queen’s death
–– Gave her highest yelp review.

Emmys BAFTA TV Tea Party Canceled Following Queen Elizabeth II’s Death
–– Were going to pretend to drink from empty cups, eat prop crumpets.

Twitter removes CMU professor’s tweet wishing 'excruciating pain' for Queen Elizabeth II
–– Queen of mean.

King Charles III Expresses ‘Profound Sorrow’ Over Queen’s Death in First Speech as King
–– Camilla: ‘Relax, Charlie.’

Charles III is the third King Charles. The first two had a pretty hard time.
–– Of course they weren’t superfluous civic props.

Bed Bath & Beyond CFO plunges to death at New York's Jenga tower
––– EMTs had to pick up his block.

Serena Williams ends magical run at U.S. Open in what was likely her final tournament
–– What’s adjective if she made 4th round?

Serena Williams has done it all in tennis, but there’s so much more to come
–– Sainthood, apparently.

How Justin Tucker Became the Greatest Kicker in N.F.L. History
–– Do they make three points?

Houston Texans to wear ‘Uvalde Strong’ decal on helmets during opening game of the NFL season
–– Is headgear bulletproof?

Protesters interrupt NFL's season-opener between Bills-Rams with pink smoke bombs
–– But couldn't throw deep enough to score.

MLB poised to add pitch clock, ban infield shifts starting next season
–– No more mid-thigh numbers on shortstops in late innings.

‘Nude Mona Lisa' may have been drawn by Leonardo da Vinci
–– Has enigmatic nipples.

If you think your preparation will help you later, you will probably be right, a new study says
–– We were prepared for this to be twaddle and, Bingo!

Constantly Fantasize About My Coworker When I'm Having Sex With My Boyfriend — Am I About To Cheat On Him?
–– And I work on K-9 patrol!

When the Family Business Is Crime, Some Women Thrive
–– Gee, ain’t empowerment grand?

After a Legal Fight, Oberlin Says It Will Pay $36.59 Million to a Local Bakery
–– We’re not gonna say that’s lots of dough, we’re not gonna say…

BYU says investigation did not find evidence of racist heckling at volleyball game
–– Then what raised heckles on players' backs?

Smoking weed is now more popular than smoking tobacco in the US — here are 3 simple ways to profit from the big green wave
–– 1. Y’know, the first two which we kinda, like, forgot.

The Canned Ingredient That Will Change Your Oatmeal Forever
–– STP.

The biggest mistake to avoid when making lacto-fermented pickles
–– After actually undertaking process.

What Urban Planners Can Learn From This Idealistic Coffee Shop
–– If you pay what you want coffee probably is worth a dime.

Walk this number of steps each day to cut your risk of dementia
–– We would if we could remember… how many skips did you say?

Step Right Up, Mr. Tough Guy, and Try Enduring Menstrual Cramps
–– Hey Ms. Smart Lady, come get your junk caught in a zipper.

You be the judge: do I have to tell my girlfriend every detail about my friend’s stag do?
–– Including sex with doe?

Traveling This Fall? Expect Cheaper Prices, ‘Seasonal Drift’ and, Yes, Chaos
–– Is ‘Seasonal Drift’ cheating on spouse in snow?

Steve Jobs’ daughter Eve mocks iPhone 14 launch, hint’s nothing’s changed
–– Nothing? TrueDepth front camera added autofocus!

The Guy Who Memorized Google Maps Says You Can Too
–– OK, we set aside half hour tomorrow.

Mortgage applications are down 23% from a year ago. What does that mean?
–– They’re not down 24%.

Trans activist celebrates rare victory against online trolls after Kiwi Farms deplatforming
–– Makes as much sense in Czech: Trans aktivista oslavuje vzácné vítězství proti online trollům po deplatformaci Kiwi Farms.

Vietnam arrests famous noodle vendor for ‘anti-state’ acts
–– Friend or pho?

Bridge collapses during ribbon-cutting ceremony in Congo
–– So that was what was holding it up.

Chilean voters overwhelmingly reject proposed leftist constitution
–– Got Chile reception.

Pope dissolves Knights of Malta leadership, issues new constitution
–– Malta extract.

The French ‘finishing school’ educating the far-right leaders of tomorrow
–– École Follytechnique.

Brazilian man survives 11 days in ocean floating alone in a freezer
–– Cooler head prevailed.

‘Fat Leonard’, contractor in US navy’s worst corruption scandal, flees house arrest
–– On the lamb. Fudgeitive from justice. One bite ahead of the law.

Local official arrested in slaying of Las Vegas investigative reporter Jeff German
–– Telles more.

Slain Las Vegas journalist had his alleged killer's DNA underneath his fingernails, prosecutor tells judge
–– Investigators started from scratch.

Missing Teacher Eliza Fletcher’s Alleged Kidnapper Left His Sandals Behind
–– Leaving him strapped.

Video shows NYPD officer shove 19-year-old girl to the ground
–– As she interferes with arrest of armed murder suspect. Shove complaint.

A shrew-like creature that lived 225 million years ago is the oldest mammal ever identified
–– The timing of the shrew.

1.8m-year-old tooth of early human found on dig in Georgia
–– Next to petrified Slim Jim.

These 1,000-Year-Old Mummies Were Brutally Murdered, Study Finds
–– Probably by Daddies.

Skeleton Of 17th-Century "Vampire" Unearthed With Sickle Across Its Neck
–– Sickle sealed anemia.

How Crabs Could Help Sustainably Replace Lithium-Ion Batteries
–– If they could learn to carry in pincers.

Scientists Want to Know If Earth Once Harbored a Pre-Human Industrial Civilization
–– We want to know what scientists are smoking.

Climate Tipping Points May Be Triggered Even If Warming Peaks at 1.5C
–– Yeah, we saw you looking all happy over there…

What My Family and I Saw When We Were Trapped in China’s Heat Wave
–– Shih Tzus beggging to be shorn like Cresteds.

Your home may be in a flood zone, even if it's not on a FEMA flood map. Here's why
–– Float some theories.

Pat Stay, acclaimed Canadian battle rapper, fatally stabbed
–– Stay leaves.

Billionaire Herb Kohler, heir to faucet fortune, dies at 83
–– Tapped out.

Bernard Shaw, unflappable founding anchor at CNN, dies at 82
–– Shaw ‘nuff.

Joseph Hazelwood, Captain of the Exxon Valdez, Is Dead at 75
–– Leaves oily slick.