Indict Another Day
Week of 03/24/23
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump threatens 'potential death & destruction' if he's indicted in New York
–– Start spreading the noose.
TikTok CEO fails to convince Congress app is safe
–– After Chair flunks Blackout Challenge.
Barriers at NY courthouse as grand jury considers possible Trump charges
–– Wouldn't muzzle for Trump cost city less?
Donald Trump wants his '74 million' supporters to sign a petition railing against his potential arrest. Those who sign it are asked to donate $3,300 and more.
–– Is already adding $244,200,000,000,000 to net worth.
Trump witness Costello’s testimony in hush money case unlikely to stop indictment
–– ‘Who’s on first’ routine fell flat without Abbott.
Unearthed footage from 2018 shows Trump's current lawyer saying the Stormy Daniels hush-money payment could be a 'real problem' for Trump
–– Rare sign of acumen.
Mike Pence calls potential Trump indictment ‘not what the American people want to see’
–– Everyone we know’s sporting wood.
Stormy Daniels is tweeting up a storm with zinger after zinger about Donald Trump ahead of a possible indictment in New York
–– Gee, he’s getting punishment he deserves.
Lindsey Graham Says Trump Is in a ‘Sad’ Emotional State With Looming Indictment: ‘He Does Believe It’s Never Ending’ (Video)
–– Like how it felt during his time in office?
Trump holds first 2024 campaign rally in Waco on the 30th anniversary of the city's deadly cult siege — and urges fans to 'take our nation back' ahead of a possible indictment
–– Every city needs ‘2nd worst’ event.
Biden meets with Trudeau as US, Canada announce immigration agreement
–– For deportehs.
Rioter charged in Pelosi laptop theft sentenced to prison
–– Wherein she will be forced to use Alphasmart Neo.
Senate Ethics admonishes Graham for campaign solicitations
–– ‘He treated donors like they were hunky masseurs.’
Inside the 3 Months That Could Cost Fox $1.6 Billion
–– Can we revel in here awhile?
Rupert Murdoch may have to testify in Dominion trial despite ‘hardship’ claim
–– His painful BS will be burden on Court.
Rupert Murdoch is engaged to marry Ann Lesley Smith
–– Who could resist this Fox?
Is Sean Hannity a journalist? Role of hosts is key in Fox News lawsuit.
–– Is it human?
Fox News producer was forced to spy on Maria Bartiromo, who execs called 'crazy,' 'menopausal,' and 'hysterical,' new lawsuit says
–– 2 out of 3 ain’t bad.
This Image of Ron DeSantis Eating Chocolate Pudding Will Haunt Your Dreams
–– C’mon, that’s not chocolate pudding!
Don’t say “period”: How Republicans are taking aim at basic sex education
–– How will they end sentences?
School Board Chair Responds to Principal’s Ouster Over ‘David’ Sculpture: ‘Well, We’re Florida, OK?’
–– Parents OK staring at this dick?
Canadian TV anchor praised for 'profound humanity' after crying on air
–– And ‘paltry professionalism.’
Putin visits occupied Mariupol, staking claim to invaded Ukrainian lands
–– And getting off on body count.
Putin flaunts alliance with Xi as 'dear friends' meet in Kremlin
–– Insists he pinned him.
White House says Russian pilot who ran into a US drone and broke it was, at best, 'an idiot'
–– aka 'ace.'
Wagner mercenary group starts selling its famous sledgehammers as home decorations
–– For those with red thumb.
Ukraine is getting older US Abrams tanks, but Russia's Soviet-era tanks still won't be a match for them in battle
–– Better tread than Red?
From Rockets to Ball Bearings, Pentagon Struggles to Feed War Machine
–– Paging Tony Stark.
South Korean president: 'I will make sure North Korea pays the price for its reckless provocations'
–– Yeah, invoice is in mail.
South Korea Reconsiders 69-Hour Work Week Because It’s Not Funny
–– For prostitutes!
Leader of India’s Opposition to Modi Is Expelled From Parliament
–– Modi operandi.
India’s top opposition leader Gandhi expelled from parliament after verdict
–– So there was perfectly good reason.
Opinion Nigeria points the way toward democracy in a region in which it is scarce
–– What Nigerian cannabis is WaPo ed board smoking?
Opinion Montgomery County should adopt ranked-choice voting. So should everyplace else.
–– Same WaPo ed board, this time smack.
Islamic State group kills 15 truffle hunters in Syria: monitor
–– Are they on shrooms?
Grindr warns Egyptian police may be using fake accounts to trap users
–– And beside, they suck in bed, but not literally.
Larsa Pippen Says She Used to Have Sex ‘Four Times a Night,’ Talks Possibly Changing Her Last Name
–– To Looselips?
Vanderpump Rules’ Tom Sandoval Says He Had ‘Sex 4 Times a Year’ With Ariana Before Raquel Affair
–– Wasn’t affair with Larsa?
The Biggest Bombshells from Gwyneth Paltrow's Utah Ski Trial
–– Revelations are barely snowballs.
Rick Ross' neighbor fears his escaped buffalo will harm her children. Ross responded by calling the massive creatures 'gentle' and suggested giving them snacks: 'when you see my buffalo, give it a carrot.'
–– Or whatever massive blunt he’s smoking.
Kelly Ripa Says Her ‘Biggest Complaint’ About Marriage to Mark Consuelos Is How ‘Insanely Jealous’ He Was: ‘That Was a Hard Pill to Swallow’
–– And, in her case, inexplicable.
‘Succession’ Cast on Final Season and Ideas for a Greg Spinoff: “‘The Life of An Idiot’ Would Be An Interesting Thing”
–– But we already have Ted Lasso.
Paramount to Remake Hitchcock’s ‘Vertigo,’ Robert Downey Jr. Eyes Lead Role
–– What a dizzy idea.
Shocker: Marvel Studios Veteran Victoria Alonso Exits (Exclusive)
–– Fired by Human Torch.
JoJo Siwa says she first realized she was gay at Disney World, and recalls 'really fun' and 'really hard' memories at the theme park
–– Being hit on by Tinker Belle both.
Jane Fonda surprises Drew Barrymore with a vibrator on air: 'Specially for you'
–– Drew groans.
Brie Larson Says She Was Worried About Joining the MCU: “I Was Scared of What Would Happen to Me”
–– You were already insufferable bore.
Blac Chyna reveals results of removing her facial fillers following her breast and butt reduction: 'It was making my face look like a box'
–– Of fugly.
Jay-Z’s Net Worth Hits $2.5 Billion
–– Not catching many Jay-Z's.
London theatres may lock up audiences’ phones after illicit James Norton photos
–– Shlong day's journey into night.
‘Phantom of the Opera’ Hits Highest Grossing Week In 35 Years
–– Closing's the deal.
DNA From Beethoven’s Hair Unlocks Medical and Family Secret
–– Curling irony.
Andy Kaufman to Be Inducted Into WWE Hall of Fame
–– Was he big enough clown?
The Las Vegas mansion where Siegfried and Roy lived with their lions and tigers is under contract. The new owners say they want to turn it into a shrine.
–– To Mantacore.
Cuban catcher defects in Miami after World Baseball Classic game at loanDepot Park
–– Flies out.
Female Air Force Pilots Would Be Able to Safely Pee In-Flight During Long Missions with New Tech Being Tested
–– In jet stream.
Iowa’s sharp right turn: From centrist state to ‘Florida of the North’
–– Corn flakes.
Miami Beach sets midnight curfew after second Spring Break fatal shooting
–– March madness.
‘Jugging’ among new crime trends posing danger on America's streets: What to know
–– Pretend street cred it takes four paragraphs to explain.
Houston teen accused of paralyzing woman in 'jugging' robbery has $200,000 bond cut in half
–– Fox News again trying to make white suburbia wet pants.
Dentist arrested in ‘heinous, complex and calculated’ poisoning death of his wife
–– We’d like to drill down on that.
Family of woman who was found in freezer year after disappearance say police never apologised
— Relations haven’t thawed?
Bailed out, arrested again: These charities boomed after the murder of George Floyd. They’re under fire for bailing out violent offenders
–– Off springs.
"Narco sub" seized in Pacific with hundreds of cocaine packages labeled "Rocky"
–– Navy blow.
New York fisherman tips police to cache of rifles, handguns submerged in Jamaica Bay
–– Linked to flounderworld figures.
Florida man charged after allegedly slapping woman’s face with pizza slice
–– Was cheesed off.
'I want all you guys to scream': 911 dispatcher helps 5 kids stuck in storm drain
–– Had to be instructed to scream?
The TikTok CEO's day in Congress was a 'disaster' that means the app will still likely get banned or sold, Wall Street says
–– Chew's the lesser of two evils?
TikTok is fascinated by Amish teens’ Rumspringa party: ‘I feel like I’m watching something illegal’
–– They should see Rumpsprinkler.
A TikToker said she walked out on a date who was too cheap to spend $3 on cheese for his burger. That wasn't the whole story.
–– Was even duller than that.
How Smart People Can Stop Being Miserable
–– Keep their yaps shut.
High school freshman with size 23 feet getting custom shoes from PUMA, Under Armour
–– One each?
Katsushika Hokusai’s Iconic ‘Great Wave’ Print Fetches a Record $2.8 Million at Auction
–– Wipes out estimate.
What’s It Like to Live in a Grocery Store? Surprisingly Comfortable.
–– If you don’t mind frozen turkey as pillow.
Here's how often you should dump the ice sitting in your freezer
–– Should be three word article.
Why Americans should eat lentils every day
–– Cheap natural gas?
How to prevent pork chops from drying out
–– Encourage pigs to moisturize.
Woman under fire after calling out critics: ‘Seasoning police just sounds a little racist’
–– Like Salt n Pepa?
Foot Locker is closing 400 stores by 2026
–– Hurt Locker.
Jack Daniel’s says a dog toy company is ripping off its brand. What will the Supreme Court say?
–– Recommend hair of dog that bit them?
I Fantasized About Multiple Timelines, and It Nearly Ruined My Life
–– In which did you come up with Mx. title for self?
Opinion My ‘Spring’ quilt is a patchwork of history, memory and hope
–– Aww-choo!
The happiest country in the world wants to fly you in for a free masterclass
–– At Finnishing school?
12 most dangerous dinosaurs of all time, ranked by paleontologist
–– 7. Bullshitasaur.
Was Stonehenge A Giant Calendar? The Truth Is Perhaps More Difficult
–– Buried pin-up etchings found.
Ancient 3,500-Year-Old Bronze Hand Is A Mystery To Archaeologists
–– Especially raised middle finger.
‘City killer’ asteroid to pass harmlessly between Earth and moon
–– Which cities did it kill in space?
An emerging fungal threat spread at an alarming rate in US health care facilities, study says
–– Bungle in the fungal.
The Ambitious Plan to Stop Mice From Eating Seabirds
–– Albatroscious behavior.
Rare Night Parrot’s Unique Lopsided Ears Give It Keen Hearing
–– Polly wants to give a shit.
Coyote injures 2 toddlers in separate attacks in city
–– Or was there second critter?
Dan Snow ‘worked the phones’ in desperate hunt for rare shark’s head
–– Until he remembered sharks can’t hold phone, especially without head.
'Mr. Pickles,' zoo's 90-year-old tortoise, stuns handlers with adorable surprise
–– Sex tape with box turtle ‘Ms. Cherry.’
World Has Less Than a Decade to Stop Catastrophic Warming, U.N. Panel Says
–– UN Interpretation Service: “Translation –– Kiss your soggy ass goodbye.”
Why climate ‘doomers’ are replacing climate ‘deniers’
–– Climate 'Cassandras.'
Amid deluge, California farmers flood their fields in order to save them
–– Field in stream.
Cyclone Freddy death toll passes 600 as urgent calls grow for international aid
–– Krueger?
Can You Really Pump Water Without Any Electricity?
–– Um, uh, folks drank wine before Edison?
Nevada is slowly expanding 2 acres every year. Here's why.
–– That’s lot of nothin’.
Wuhan Market Samples Contained Covid and Animal Mixtures, Report Says
–– Entitled ‘Anywhere But Wuhan Institute of Virology.’
Shun Tak, headed by Pansy Ho, expects ‘modest recovery’ in tourism after slumping to US$71.1 million loss due to Covid-19 restrictions
–– Shun tack.
You Don’t Need to Disinfect So Much
–– Have you seen our toilet?
Norman Steinberg, Screenwriter on ‘Blazing Saddles,’ ‘My Favorite Year’ and ‘Johnny Dangerously,’ Dies at 83
–– David Steinberg: ‘Not me, right?’
New York Knicks great Willis Reed dies at 80
–– Knick nap.
