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Him and Hur
Week of 01/13/23

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

President Joe Biden walks along the White House lawn trailing a roll of toilet paper stuck to his shoe while Special Prosecutor Robert Hur crawls along behind him examining the roll with a magnifying glass.AG Garland appoints special counsel to investigate Biden classified documents
–– Lt. Bookman, the Library Cop.

What Bolsonaro’s Thugs Learned From Jan. 6
–– How to expertly botch siege.

Democratic allies grow frustrated with White House response to Biden's classified documents
–– Reject talking point 'Duh…'?

Donald Trump's company sentenced to pay $1.61 million penalty for tax fraud
–– Gee, it's so inspiring when Justice is finally served.

U.S. Will Hit Debt Limit Jan. 19, Yellen Tells Congress
–– Suggests all government workers wear helmets.

George Santos repeatedly ducks Matt Gaetz's questions about the $700,000 he lent his campaign
–– Was like game of duck, duck… goose!

Former GOP House Speaker Paul Ryan calls on Rep. George Santos to resign: 'This isn't an embellished candidacy, it's a fraudulent candidacy'
–– Doesn't he believe in 'fake it until you break it'?

Paul Ryan Delivers Ominous Prediction For 'Proven Loser' Donald Trump
–– From certified quitter.

Trump Takes A Bow For Kevin McCarthy's Speaker Win: 'I Did The Country A Big Favor!'
–– By helping get obstructionists who created crisis elected or by tepidly endorsing inept lickspittle?

Former GOP Rep. Adam Kinzinger calls Speaker Kevin McCarthy a "piece of sh*t"
–– Outrageous! He’s whole barn-full.

Andy Biggs, who opposed House Speaker Kevin McCarthy, shares 'few positives' of dramatic process
–– ‘People actually heard of me!’

'I Might Wind Up in the Broom Closet': Why Eli Crane Defied Kevin McCarthy
–– Scrubbing George Santos.

MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell said Marjorie Taylor Greene 'broke her promise' by backing Kevin McCarthy for House Speaker
–– Pillow dork.

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene said 'like a lot of people' she had 'easily gotten sucked into some things I had seen on the internet' in regards to QAnon conspiracy theories
–– We know she easily sucks.

Rep. Lauren Boebert says she is now 'more focused on delivering the policies' she ran on 'than owning the left’
–– Admitting two year dereliction of duty.

‘Stop the Steal’ Founder Tipped Off Paul Gosar to Brewing Violence on Jan. 6
–– Told him to 'wake up, smell coffee.'

Former DC Metropolitan Police Department officer Michael Fanone says it's 'disgraceful' that only one GOP congressman appeared at a Capitol Hill event commemorating January 6
–– You’d think they’d be compelled to return to scene of crime.

Joe Rogan said 'the morons had a king' with Donald Trump during a podcast episode
–– And have a podcast.

Hear why Bannon lawyer asked to be removed from fraud case
–– And be deloused.

U.S. agency examines secret pollution source in 40 million homes: Gas stoves.
–– Sparking range war.

How the gas vs. electric stove debate became the latest culture war, with AOC and Ted Cruz chiming in: 'Gas stoves for me but not for thee'
–– Burner phony.

Pro-Bolsonaro protesters storm Brazil’s government buildings
–– Brazil nuts.

Lula promises prosecution in aftermath of Brazil capital insurrection
–– Will force those convicted to wear MAGA hats until end of their days.

Former Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro has been hospitalized, according to his wife
–– Gut discomfort for gutless.

Six journalists arrested over footage of South Sudan president wetting himself
–– Stem flow of information.

After a makeover, the Golden Globes return to NBC. For how long remains to be seen
–– Will they cut away after first hour?

Jerrod Carmichael Roasts ‘Racist’ Golden Globes in Awkward Opening Monologue
–– Quota quickies.

Regina Hall Could Not Keep Her Composure As She Found Out Why Kevin Costner Couldn’t Make The Golden Globes While Reading The Teleprompter Live On Air
–– Life-threatening floods such a hoot.

“White Lotus” Fans Are Getting Emotional Over The “Sweet Moment” That F. Murray Abraham Realized That He Was Being Cheered On The Golden Globes Red Carpet
–– Falco should've played him on.

Bryan Cranston Says Seth Rogen Was So High At Earlier Golden Globes, He Had To Intervene
–– So baked he thought he was getting Nobel Prize.

Kevin Hart Says Fame is “Biggest Drug” Over Cocaine, Heroin: “That’s a Monster That You’re Feeding”
–– Utterly confused, completely unwarranted monster in your case.

Miley Cyrus Shares Topless Shower Teaser for Upcoming Single 'Flowers' — Watch!
–– Aren’t voices supposed to sound better in shower?

Demi Lovato poster banned by advertising regulator for being offensive to Christians
–– With ears.

At 57, Paulina Porizkova Poses Topless in Empowering New Pic: ‘Nothing to Hide’
–– Yes, Paulina, you’re still doable, now cover up.

Ashley Graham Treated Fans With Never-Before-Seen & Unfiltered Nude Pregnancy Mirror Selfies
–– Is that ‘treat’ as with shock therapy?

Transformers' director Michael Bay charged over claims a pigeon was killed on a movie set in Italy. He says no animals involved in the movie were harmed.
–– Ask stool pigeon.

Lizzo Says That “Cancel Culture Is Appropriation”
–– This week’s lecture in Celebantics.

Rita Ora Stepped Out in a Totally See-Through Lace Dress Last Night
–– What a panty waste.

Jane Fonda said she was 'completely starstruck' and 'actually got weak' in the knees when she worked with Tom Brady for the movie '80 for Brady'
–– After hit by offensive lineman.

Francis Ford Coppola’s ‘Megalopolis’ in Peril Amid Ballooning Budget, Crew Exodus (Exclusive)
–– Apocalypse now and again.

Adam Driver blasts claims Francis Ford Coppola's $120M epic Megalopolis is in turmoil amid crew walkouts and spiraling budget: 'Not sure what set you're talking about!'
–– Sounding like Michael Corleone.

Tom Cruise's Costars Reveal What You 'Wouldn't Expect' About the Actor
–– His belly lint collection.

Hugh Jackman really doesn’t want Ryan Reynolds to get an Oscar nomination
–– More likely Debbie Reynolds will get one.

Chelsea Handler Pops in Blue Plunging Dress & Classic Pumps on 'Jimmy Fallon'
–– Who stuck pin in her?

Jessica Chastain's Nude Spider Web Dress at the Golden Globes is Everything and More
–– Which poses philosophical question, ‘Is Infinity actually finite?’

Florence Pugh Addresses the Sheer Dress Controversy: 'How Can My Nipples Offend You That Much?'
–– They was kinda lookin’ at us sideways ’n’ all.

Adriana de Moura Says If She Got a Brazilian Butt Lift to Look Like Larsa Pippen
–– If what?

‘Glass Onion’ Star Janelle Monáe Reveals the Subtle Detail That Hints at Their Characters Storyline
–– Twin peaks.

Andrew Tate is feuding with Logan Paul from lockup: 'Even in Romanian Prison they talk about Logan Paul being a scammer'
–– ‘And me a butt-boy.’

'Phineas and Ferb' Revived at Disney Channel
–– With deferbrillator.

An Exhaustive Breakdown of the Entire Dutton Family Tree
–– We were already pretty damned tired of them.

MacKenzie Scott Officially Divorced From Seattle Teacher Dan Jewett 4 Months After Billionaire Filed
–– Expects 38 million paper clips in settlement.

Superheroes Are Finally Losing Their Grasp on Moviegoers – and That’s Good for the Box Office
–– Overtaken by arthouse fare like Top Gun: Maverick, Avatar: The Way of Water.

Adam Sandler Thinks He Took Himself Too Seriously During His Time On Saturday Night Live
–– Didn’t we make up for that?

Don Cheadle says Marvel gave him 2 hours to agree to a 6-movie deal while he was at his 'kid's laser-tag birthday party'
–– Was that or Hotel Rwanda II?

Steven Spielberg and John Williams Reflect on 50-Year Collaboration — and Williams Walks Back Retirement Plans
–– Very, very slowly –– he’s 90.

Famous fans say farewell to the B-52’s: ‘They got me to question my own prejudices’
–– ‘Against carpet-bombing Nam.’

Ronald Reagan's daughter Patti Davis warns Prince Harry ahead of book release: 'Be quiet'
–– Who the hell does she think she’s talking to?

King Charles' biographer compares revelations from Prince Harry's leaked memoir to those of a 'B-list celebrity': 'I'm at a loss'
–– Or one married to one.

Prince Harry says Diana would be 'heartbroken' over Royal Family rift
–– Thrilled with Drama Queen son?

Prince Harry has been 'written out' of King Charles's coronation in May after writing 'Spare', royal correspondent says
–– Dis Spare.

Prince Harry says he was bred to offer spare organs to heir William
–– None from neck up.

Princess of Wales says therapy not right for everyone on first outing since Prince Harry's book release
–– ‘Like for certain brothers-in-law it’s too late.’

We Read All Of Prince Harry's New Memoir "Spare," And Here Are 37 Of The Most Fascinating Details Shared In The Book
–– First, thank you for your service…

We Asked a Crisis PR Expert: Why Is Prince Harry Being So Extra?
–– They replied, ‘Ask your question like an adult.’

King Charles’ Coronation Could Reportedly Be Invalidated Due To His Affair With Camilla, According To A Royal Expert
–– Oh, the consequence-free life of a royal expert!

Packers’ Quay Walker sorry for shoving trainer, ‘another stupid decision’
–– Which is insult to stupid decisions.

I’m homeless in California. And I have an easy, cost-free solution to homelessness | Opinion
–– That I’ll share for cup of coffee.

Billionaire Larry Ellison got a speeding ticket on an island he owns while driving a Corvette and told the cop there's 'no excuse'
–– But his eyes said, ‘Wanna keep your job?’

6-year-old who allegedly shot Va. teacher used gun legally purchased by mom, police say
–– Packed in lunchbox with Hershey Kiss.

School head: Some knew boy had gun before teacher shot
–– Didn’t want to bully, shame him by confiscating.

Remember the Palm Beach fake teen doctor? Well, he’s now just another Florida con man
–– After pretending to be CVS checkout clerk.

Louisiana Makes List of States that Produce Most Serial Killers
–– Crushed it only ranks 7th.

People are only just realising what WC toilet sign actually stands for
-– In your case, Witless Cluck.

Many workers barely recall signing noncompetes, until they try to change jobs
–– Assumed parts of contracts you don’t read don’t apply.

7,000 nurses strike at 2 New York City hospitals after talks collapse
–– How many patients collapse?

US farmers win right to repair John Deere equipment
–– Which they hold Deere.

Air India embarrassed by urination scandal
–– Is India embarrassed by open defecation scandal?

A hairline crack became a 3-foot chasm. That’s when he knew they had to leave
–– Hairline crack about his receding.

Fire at Wisconsin dairy plant leaves storm drains clogged with butter
–– Like residents’ arteries.

General Tso was real, but he never actually ate his eponymous chicken
–– Did repeatedly choke it.

Noma, Rated the World’s Best Restaurant, Is Closing Its Door
–– Tragic loss for starving rich who crave grilled reindeer heart on a bed of fresh pine.

‘We have to rethink the industry’: fine dining’s future in doubt as Noma calls it a day
–– Noma Mr. Nice Guy?

He ate at 18 Michelin-starred restaurants in a day — and set a world record
–– Guinness still investigating his ‘longest ride on porcelain bus’ claim.

The Satanic Temple dedicating 'largest satanic gathering in history' to Boston mayor, will require masks
–– Masks make it truly evil to Fox News.

Meet 'the Vagina Whisperer,' a pelvic floor therapist who wants people to get comfortable with their vulvas
–– From her lips to yours.

Liposuction overtakes breast augmentation as most popular cosmetic surgery
–– Sucks for plastic surgeons.

Cougars Are Heading East. We Should Welcome Them.
–– And dissuade them from getting both boob jobs, liposuction.

Want to be healthier? Hang out with your friends.
–– Make them sick of you.

'Puppy Bus' in Alaska Is Delighting the Internet: 'I Can't Believe We Do This for a Living'
–– Snickerdoodle: ‘And we don’t even have driver’s licenses!’

Are these deer getting high on grass? No, on leaves
–– What’re they cutting grass with?

Fathers Have been Older Than Mothers for 250,000 Years, Study Finds
–– Talk about a May-Quarter Million Romance.

Skeleton Of Charles Byrne, The “Irish Giant”, To Be Removed From London Museum Display
–– Overly-sensitive boner.

4,000-year-old eggs discovered near ancient fire pit
–– Next to petrified skillet with remains of 5 medium-sized potatoes, diced, 1 large brown onion, chopped, sprig of parsley, cracked black pepper to taste.

This Ancient City in Saudi Arabia Is Like Petra Without the Crowds
–– Only if you're Petra-fied of them.

Deinonychosaurs' "Killing Claw" Was Probably Used To Pin Prey, Not Slash It
–– And trying to spell out own name.

Scientists inch closer to learning origins of mysterious ‘fairy circles’
–– And what they're gossiping about.

Mars Is Rich in Extraterrestrial Gems That Could Point to Alien Life, NASA Finds
–– With tiny fingers?

The moon beckons once again, and this time NASA wants to stay
–– Got lunar tix?

Ozone layer continues to heal, a key development for health, food security and the planet, U.N. study says
–– Continues?! What climate news have we been reading for last 30 years?

US federal agency is considering a ban on gas stoves
–– Aren’t first ‘turning heat up on industry?’ C’mon!

Cardinal George Pell dies aged 81
— Pell Hell.

Bernard Kalb, former CBS reporter and State Department spokesman, dies at 100
–– Bern notice.

James D. Brubaker, Producer of ‘Rocky IV’ and ‘Right Stuff,’ Dies At 85
–– Right stuffed.

Owen Roizman, ‘French Connection’ and ‘Exorcist’ cinematographer, dies at 86
–– Shuttered.

Jeff Beck, Guitarist With a Page in Rock History, Dies at 78
–– Beck down.

Lisa Marie Presley, Singer-Songwriter and Daughter of Elvis, Dies at 54
–– Aren't descriptors reversed?

Another Public, Painful Loss for Priscilla Presley
–– Not counting Naked Gun films?

Lisa Marie Presley proved why the ‘nepo baby’ title is so reductive
–– By defining it?