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Dread Scott
Week of 02/17/23

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Republican Senator Rick Scott, in skull-like makeup and wearing a skeleton costume, looms over the hospital bed of an elderly Asian-American man and intones, "I am Pro-Life." as he tears apart a document that reads Medicare.Republican U.S. Senator Rick Scott drops plan to cut Social Security, Medicare
–– Now prefers cutting recipients.

Now the NORTHERN border is a mess, too
–– Poutine, Molson everywhere.

'Never intended' to sunset Social Security, Sen. Rick Scott says amid Biden criticism
–– Scum rise sunset.

House Republican says it’s ‘unfortunate’ Democrats ‘scare’ seniors with talks of cutting Social Security, Medicare
–– By repeating what we say.

Chris Christie says it was a 'big mistake' for the GOP to 'rise to the bait' and heckle Biden during the State of the Union address
–– Don’t need bait shooting fish in barrel.

Biden fires Architect of the Capitol after calls for his resignation
–– Torn down.

Here’s What We Know About Hunter Biden and the Investigations Into Him
–– Whazzat? We nodded off at ‘Hunter’…

U.S. Shoots Down a Fourth Flying Object
–– Realizes too late it’s Wallenda.

Here is what we know about the unidentified objects shot down over North America
–– Look like angels sleeping on ground to us.

Canadian defense minister describes object that was shot down by NORAD
–– ‘I don’t know, I see a ewe feeding her lamb, eh?’

NATO Secretary General: incidents with balloons over U.S. form part of pattern
–– ‘Pretty pictures in the sky of, like, a flock of doves.’

White House Rules Out Aliens But Says Source of UFOs Remains Unclear
–– So they might just be speaking Venusian?

Nikki Haley to push for a ‘renewal of American pride’ in first 2024 campaign pitch
–– Which her boss dragged through sty.

Anti-immigrant pundit Ann Coulter tells GOP candidate Nikki Haley to ‘go back to your own country’ in racist rant
–– Indian giver.

CNN’s Don Lemon regrets saying Nikki Haley past her ‘prime’
–– But insists, 'I still wouldn't tap that. I mean, if I was straight.'

Trump says he appointed Haley to UN post so McMaster could become South Carolina governor
–– Wow, he is Boris Spastically of 3D chess.

Report: Trump’s Habit of Clogging Toilets With Government Documents even Grosser Than Previously Thought
–– Insisted they be printed on toilet paper.

Supreme Court reconsiders case to reinstate Trump
–– To human race?

Rep. George Santos' press secretary said she fields endless angry calls, gets dirty looks on the Hill, but still thinks her boss is a 'borderline genius'
–– Border of sanity.

Amish country farmers say George Santos took puppies, left bad checks
–– In stolen buggy!

Rep. George Santos barricaded himself in his district office as angry constituents stood outside demanding his resignation: reports
–– Was secretly thrilled by own J6.

DeSantis is rolling out his plans for Florida, from more migrant flights to a Disney revamp. It's all widely viewed as a policy blueprint for a presidential run
–– More spreading them like fertilizer.

DeSantis threatens to rid Florida of Advanced Placement classes
–– Prefers APE courses.

Trump is testing out new nicknames for Ron DeSantis, including 'Meatball Ron:' NYT
–– Valiantly fighting to revive anti-Italian slurs.

The Law Is Closing In on Trump
–– Apparently playing the loooong game.

Senator Dianne Feinstein to Retire at the End of Her Term
–– She regularly retires in seat during hearings.

Dianne Feinstein Is Told She Already Announced Retirement In Statement
–– After being reminded what she was retiring from.

Fetterman checked himself into hospital ‘to receive treatment for clinical depression,’ office says
–– Which is actually healthy response to exposure to Senate.

50 years ago, depression ended a campaign. That’s changed, politicians say.
–– Ah, remember days when we didn’t have to give fuck about emotional lives of public figures?

Justice Dept. Is Said to Decline to Bring Charges Against Gaetz in Sex-Trafficking Inquiry
–– Gaetz swings free.

Russian general was poisoned by a letter laced with an unknown toxin, close Putin ally says
–– Poison pig pen letter.

Russia has likely suffered its highest rate of casualties since the beginning of the war in the past 2 weeks, UK Defense Ministry says
–– Putin relieved he decided not to sign condolence letters to families.

White House: Wagner Group has suffered over 30,000 casualties in Ukraine
–– Götterdämmerung right.

Opinion / Don’t let Erdogan use the earthquake to postpone Turkey’s election
–– OK, we won’t.

Reporter says Putin is now traveling by armored train. Hear why
–– He can’t blow whistle on private jet.

Scotland’s Leader Nicola Sturgeon Says She Will Step Down in Surprise Move
–– Like a Sturgeon, stuffed for the very first time.

As Taliban Settle In, Kabul’s Green Zone Comes Back to Life
–– You’ll love what they’ve done with decor.

These dissidents had already left Nicaragua, but Ortega still felt compelled to punish them
–– Absence makes the hard grow fouler.

Salma Hayek Wore A Plunging Lime Green Dress And Black Bra On ‘GMA’—We’re Surprised She Didn’t Have A Wardrobe Malfunction!
–– Showing shocking lack of support.

Academy President Says Response to Will Smith Oscars Slap Was “Inadequate”
–– Audience did refrain from hand job on top of standing O.

‘Yellowstone’ Star Kevin Costner Unboxes Golden Globe, Offers Heartfelt Acceptance Speech From Bed: “We Watched the Whole Doggone Thing”
–– He was right neighborly, goldarn it!

Nia Long Reflects on Getting Passed Over for Roles: “Why Wasn’t I Considered for ‘Avatar’?”
–– Talk about Long shot.

Zoë Kravitz Credits Her Famous Parents Lisa Bonet And Lenny Kravitz For Teaching Her To ‘Beat’ Her Own Drum In Hollywood
–– Over own too-taut skin.

Steven Spielberg Tells Tom Cruise: ‘You Saved Hollywood’s Ass’ and ’Top Gun: Maverick’ Might’ve ‘Saved the Entire Theatrical Industry’
–– Gave butt lift.

Jamie Lee Curtis reveals she has gotten more screen time in movies like 'Knives Out' because she never goes back to her trailer: 'It's my secret sauce'
–– Yes, that’s back of her head, left elbow, shadow.

Elizabeth Banks reacts to AMC Theatres charging extra for better seating: 'I don't really get it'
–– She can’t even spell ‘greed.’

Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard’s Daughters Know “Daddy Is an Addict and He’s in Recovery”
–– “And Mommy and Daddy trade endlessly on it to get headlines.”

Why Is Ryan Seacrest Leaving ‘Live With Kelly and Ryan’? Inside His Departure From the Show
–– Why? Why?! Just be grateful.

Taylor Swift Quietly Changed For The Grammys After-Party, And I Have No Words
–– Thank God.

Ana de Armas Says Social Media Ruined the “Concept of a Movie Star" for New Generations: "That Mystery Is Gone"
–– Her stardom still mystery.

‘The Last of Us' crew members weren't allowed to say the word 'zombie' while making the show
–– Nor ‘coherent.’

Steven Tyler will have a hard time overcoming his own words in the child sexual assault lawsuit he faces, experts say
–– Aw, c’mon, he was just bragging in autobiography.

Keanu Reeves says he has a clause in all his movie contracts banning digital edits to his performances: 'That's scary'
–– ‘I mean they might actually add expressions to my face, dude.’

'If men become too feminine there’s going to be a problem’: Vincent Cassel on violence, Brexit and Andrew Tate
–– More's the pédé?

Alison Brie strips NAKED and runs through hotel corridor to surprise her husband Dave Franco to celebrate their film Somebody I Used To Know
–– Brie cheese.

King Charles Ignores Protestors Holding 'Not My King' Signs During Latest Royal Outing
–– Resists urge to flash reverse half V-for-Victory signal in general direction.

Biracial women say Meghan is proof racism and privilege coexist
–– This week’s breakthrough in Coexistence Theory.

Chris Stapletons' National Anthem Will Go Down as One of the Best in Super Bowl History
–– Accordng to his manager.

Rihanna Confirms She’s Pregnant With Baby Number 2 At the Super Bowl—See Her Showing Off Her Baby Bump
–– During lifeless performance.

‘He Gets Us’ Super Bowl Ads for Jesus Flagged by Fans Criticizing Company Funding Them
–– He deserves you.

The Philadelphia Eagles just lost Super Bowl 57. What happens to their championship merchandise?
–– Can't they donate to choking victims?

Team Fluff wins 2023 Puppy Bowl
–– Played hard.

Report: Packers are "disgusted with" Aaron Rodgers, they're "done with him"
–– ‘Didja’ ever see him eat a Legendary Brat?’

Kevin Durant on Nets' Big Three: 'It was amazing basketball for 17 games’
–– In 4 years!

Tennis player Alexander Bublik smashes three racquets during loss
–– Acting strung out.

The new Bing told our reporter it ‘can feel or think things’
–– 'Realizes' it's hopelessly 'un-cool' and 'loser's Google.'

How to Spot Robots in a World of A.I.-Generated Text
–– References to readers as 'meatbags.'

How asexual and aromantic people make Valentine’s Day their own
–– Apathetically.

Look of the Week: With these big red boots, fashion is entering its silly era
–– After current Age of Asininity?

Lake Champlain ice fishing tournament canceled after 3 fishermen die due to thin lake ice
–– Sham plain.

Police have uncovered a ring of 17 men believed to have filmed 10,000 women bathing in hot springs across Japan
-– Soak studs.

5 Memphis officers plead not guilty in death of Tyre Nichols
–– Jive at five.

Taylor Schabusiness attacks lawyer in Brown County courtroom; she is charged with killing, decapitating friend
–– Gave ‘im scha business.

Charlottesville Tiki Torcher Killed Himself Before Drug Smuggling Trial
–– In final act of civic duty.

Scientology leader David Miscavige went missing to hide from a human trafficking lawsuit, federal judge rules
–– Thought to be hiding aboard Xenu's spacecraft.

Judge on Bankman-Fried: 'Why am I being asked to turn him loose?'
–– Defense: ‘How would another $250 mil in bail make you feel?’

Jeffrey Epstein emailed multiple pictures of women to a JPMorgan Chase executive who was supposed to be regulating his bank accounts, lawsuit says
–– Collateral dame-age.

Kentucky sees its 1st infant anonymously surrendered at a fire station ‘baby box’
–– Lil’ bucket of joy.

Army sees safety, not 'wokeness,' as top recruiting obstacle
–– Or ‘deadness.’

Urine-repelling paint used to stop ‘brazen’ habits of Cheltenham visitors
–– Splash in the pants.

Opinion What the world can learn from a lobotomy surgeon’s horrible mistake
–– Keep open mind.

Opinion We are suffering from an empathy gap, but we can fix it
–– Or are ‘we’ just wusses who endlessly bitch, moan?

Controversial 'Commando Parenting' Is Trending—Here's What Psychologists Have To Say About Its Impact on Children
–– Parents really need to wear underwear while reprimanding.

Here’s What Really Matters in Preventing Dementia. It’s Not All Brain Teasers and Crosswords.
–– And mindless click-bait reports.

Does drinking alcohol affect your dementia risk? We asked a researcher for insights
–– And mindless click-bait repor… hey, did we just write that?

The Complete Guide to Memory by Richard Retak audiobook review –– quit the booze and get of the hoover
–– ‘get of the hoover’? We need another drink.

Thousands brave the cold for winter swimming in Poland
–– Lots of shrunken pierogi.

You should never assemble deviled eggs while they're still warm. Here's why
–– Let them fall out until they cool off.

Konbi Was a National Instagram Sensation. So Why Did It Suddenly Close?
–– You think people pay for food with eyes?

Cleveland Clinic to open its third London facility as Brits flock to private health care
–– Patients forced to wear Browns gowns.

North Carolina Dental Hygienist Wears Cute Costumes to Work
–– Makes us want to spit.

An Abandoned, Industrial Ruin Bursts With New Life in Delaware
–– Biggest news in state since Biden visited Double Dippers in Rehoboth.

2,000-year-old hall unearthed in Italian villa where Roman emperor and knights partied
–– After Supernus Bowl I at Colosseum where Lions mauled Christians.

Could Table Scraps Actually Be Good for Your Dog? New Research Says They Might
–– Report authored by Dr. Rex Fido-Ruff.

Pythons are snacking on GPS-wearing opossums that give up their locations
–– Where do snakes wear Apple Watches?

When the Horseshoe Crabs Are Gone, We’ll Be in Trouble
–– Out of luck?

Hidden dangers revealed as the Great Salt Lake dries up
–– A salt rifle?

Common kinds of air pollution led to changes in teens’ blood pressure, study says
–– As did parents’s demands to ‘breathe like a normal person.’

The Bird Flu Outbreak Has Taken an Ominous Turn
–– Quoth the Raven: ‘Ever more.’

GOP launches probe into COVID origins with letter to Fauci
–– Fauci majeure.

Brazil's vaccine-skeptic Bolsonaro got the shot, document indicates
–– Ignore all his jabber.

Tom Luddy, Telluride Film Festival Co-Founder, Dies at 79
–– A Luddy shame.

De La Soul rapper David Jolicoeur, known as Trugoy the Dove, dead at 54
–– Dove barred.

Tim McCarver, Cerebral Catcher and Hall of Fame Broadcaster, Dies at 81
–– The catcher in the sky.

Stella Stevens, Nutty Professor Actress and '60s Hollywood Bombshell, Dead at 84: 'OG of Badass Women'
–– Gee, will that fit on tombstone?

Raquel Welch, ‘Fantastic Voyage’ star, has died at age 82
–– Farewelch, my lovely.

The View audience loudly boos when cohost says Kim Kardashian is Raquel Welch-level 'sex symbol'
–– Perhaps in her current state.