We Report, You Deride
Week of 03/03/23
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Murdoch Acknowledges Fox News Hosts Endorsed Election Fraud Falsehoods
–– Rupert barefaced.
James Bond books edited to remove racist references
–– For woke eyes only.
–– In Hannity plea.
Fair and Balanced? Murdoch's private messages show Fox News was instructed to help Republicans
–– Roger Ailes is turning over in grave on spit in Hell.
Fox board member Paul Ryan begged network to stop spreading election lies Dominion filing alleges
–– Knees of pants already worn through from pleading with Trump.
GOP Witnesses, Paid by Trump Ally, Embraced Jan. 6 Conspiracy Theories
–– Buy Witness News.
Republicans Swore Biden Was Lying About Social Security Cuts. Now They’re Questioning the Retirement Age.
–– Need seventh idiot to provide fingers to count past current limit.
Who is Matthew Kacsmaryk, the Trump-appointed Texas judge who could ban abortion pills?
–– Someone who's Mom would've benefited from them.
These Texas DAs refused to prosecute abortion. Republican lawmakers want them stopped
–– Or started?
DeSantis has a new book coming out next week. Here’s what his first one said
–– Cliff Notes: 'Duh!'
Ron DeSantis admits getting married to Casey DeSantis at Disney World ended up being 'kind of ironic’
–– Thinks word means ‘cool.’
Ron DeSantis Is On A Mission To Make Florida Dumb, And It's Spreading
–– Mission already accomplished.
DeSantis cannonballs into America’s deep blue states for war on ‘woke’ ahead of 2024
–– Empties kiddie pools.
Chicago mayoral election heads to runoff; Lightfoot loses reelection
–– Lightfoot heavy heart.
‘I’m a Black Woman in America’: Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot Blames Election Loss on Racism, Sexism
–– Explaining how she won 73% of vote first time?
Twitter Users Roast Donald Trump Jr. After His Comments About Donald Trump’s Mental Competency
–– Like asking Alex Murdaugh's son about Dad's legal acumen.
Judge Reveals Rep. Scott Perry's Bid To Shield Thousands Of Files From Jan. 6 Committee
–– By placing phone up butt.
Sidney Powell avoids disbarment in Texas over election lies after judge throws out the state bar's case because the exhibits were misnumbered
–– She’s either 1st, 2nd, 3rd worst lawyer ever.
Chief Justice Roberts has questions on student-loan cancellation: ‘How does that fit under the normal understanding of modify?’
–– Kinda’ like gutting precedent in Dobbs.
Justice Thomas wrote of 'crushing weight' of student loans
–– Could barely buy can of Coke with pubic hair in it.
Conservative Legal Icon Gives Mike Pence A Stinging Reality Check On Subpoena Fight
–– Whacks his subpoenas.
Merrick Garland to senators: Fentanyl 'unleashed on purpose' by Mexican drug cartels
–– Was working hypothesis it was accident?
Merrick Garland, Sen. Ted Cruz Spar In Testy Exchange On Protests At Justices' Homes
–– Nutter Cruz would like to exchange testes.
Rep. Lauren Boebert's Gun-Themed Restaurant To Be Replaced By Mexican Eatery
–– Staff fired?
Tulsi Gabbard Shocks Fox News Host by Comparing Biden to Hitler
–– Then holding black comb under nose, Sieg Heiling, goose-stepping off set.
U.S. Rep. Andy Ogles admits he was 'mistaken' on the college degree he received
–– Ogles stare down.
Marjorie Taylor Greene says she was ‘attacked’ by ‘insane’ woman in restaurant
–– Then realized she was looking in mirror.
Biden Mocks Marjorie Taylor Greene With 1 Simple Hand Gesture
–– Greene thumb down?
Chris Hayes Warns Exactly Where Fox News Is Going With Marjorie Taylor Greene
–– Sex dungeon?
Herschel Walker's campaign paid defunct car wash for private jets, sparking concerns from experts
–– And wings weren't dirty!
Williamson becomes Democratic primary's 1st Biden challenger
–– Expected to clinch afterlife demographic.
Keisha Lance Bottoms Is Leaving The White House. Here's What We Know
–– Bottoms’ out.
Republicans want to replace federal taxes with a flat sales tax. It'll either add trillions to the national deficit or you'll have to pay a lot more for everything.
–– So unfair –– could easily do both!
How a small-town train derailment erupted into a culture battle
–– U.S. political debate off rails.
Day after meeting, Blinken and Lavrov exchange diplomatic swipes
–– In slap fight.
Vladimir Putin signs a decree honoring US actor – and Russian citizen – Steven Seagal
–– Gives plastic loving cup, plaque reads: 'Is Better Than Oscar.'
Finnish Ambassador: Here’s the right way to poke the Russian bear
–– With sauna whisk after schvitz.
Nobel laureate Ales Beliatski sentenced to 10 years in prison by Belarusian court
–– Ignobel fate.
Angela Bassett Messaged Ariana DeBose After Viral BAFTAs Rap: ‘I Just Wanted to Make Sure She Was Okay’
–– Are professional singers put on suicide watch after they bomb?
Now People Are Upset About Disney Casting A Black Actress To Play Tinker Bell
–– Jude Law: ‘Thank God for villains.’
Sally Field Hailed For Self-Aware 'White Girl' Speech At SAG Awards
–– aka ‘I Still Want to Work in Hollywood’ speech.
Will Smith Returns to Awards Stage in Person for First Time After Oscars Slap to Accept AAFCA Honor
–– Could anything wipe smile off face?
Willem Dafoe Had Emma Stone Slap Him 20 Times While Filming ‘And’ So Off-Camera Scene Would Look More Genuine
–– ‘And’ action.
Darcey Silva Asks Sister Stacey to Shave Her Butt to Make It 'Slap-Worthy' for Her Upcoming Date
–– Somebody shave People editor’s face who ran this story.
‘The Idol’: The Weekend Responds To Bombshell Report That Alleges Massive Rewrites, Mismanaged Production For Upcoming HBO Series With Sam Levinson
–– Ticks Weekend off.
Why Tár should win the best picture Oscar
–– Tár and feathering.
Jennifer Lawrence Makes a Daring Style Statement in Plunging Black Outfit at Pre-SAG Awards Party
–– Cleavage deserves pre-sag award.
Aubrey Plaza Looked Visibly Angry Onstage At The SAG Awards After Her “White Lotus” Costars Appeared To Very Nearly Elbow Her In The Face
–– You'd expect 'subtly pissed-off' from her.
Ozark's Jason Bateman Thanks Wife and Kids at SAG Awards 2023: 'They Made Me Feel Like I Was a Good Dad'
–– Bigger dupes than SAG voters.
Jamie Lee Curtis says Tom Cruise 'isn't the only one who saved' cinema as her movies have 'made $2.5 billion' at the box office
–– Last year?
Martin Short swapped plane seats with a 7-year-old girl so she could sit with her father. The dad turned out to be Chance the Rapper.
–– What are Chance’s?
'John Wick 4' Actor Donnie Yen Pushes Back at Asian Stereotypes: “Why Can't We Have a Normal Name?”
–– Proud Boys: ‘We wuz about to ask you.’
Why 'Creed 3' made me cry for 15 minutes
–– Michael B. Jordan punched you in face?
Hundreds of newspapers drop ‘Dilbert’ comic strip after racist tirade from creator Scott Adams
–– As new rodent character Racebait.
Roald Dahl warned ‘politically correct’ publishers – ‘change one word and deal with my crocodile’
–– Imagine how he’d feel about current crock?
Ricky Gervais Pokes Fun At “Fragile” And “Easily Offended” People In Debate Over Revising Roald Dahl’s Classic Books
–– The BFD.
Ian Fleming’s James Bond Novels to Be Edited to Remove Material Deemed Offensive
–– Editors granted Licence to Kill.
After Half a Century, ‘The Dark Side of the Moon’ Still Reverberates
–– In empty heads.
‘South Park’ lawsuit: Warner Bros. Discovery sues Paramount for $500 million
–– Stone Parker.
Puss in Boots: The Last Wish' Director Joel Crawford on Why Panic Attack Scene Was an Important Moment for Both Kids and Parents
–– They're pussies?
The Way the Sussexes' Eviction Went Down Is Fully Wild and Involved a "Flurry of Letters and Emails"
–– Frogmore frog-walk.
Prince Harry Might Add a Chapter to the Paperback Edition of ‘Spare,’ Source Says
–– Entitled ‘Just Kidding.’
King Charles ‘hammered away relentlessly’ at Queen Elizabeth to drop Camilla’s consort title, author claims
–– Dented Sovereign’s Orb on her head.
Sarah Ferguson Says She'll Do 'Whatever It Takes' to Support King Charles and Queen Camilla
–– Poisoning ex-hubby not off table.
Snubbing the King: Why Don’t Big Stars Want to Perform at Charles’ Coronation?
–– They know Camilla will insist on solo.
Mocking the police got an Ohio man arrested – and the Supreme Court ignored The Onion's plea to define the limits of parody
–– Current SCOTUS has so far exceeded them.
Crochet enthusiasts asked ChatGPT for patterns. The results are ‘cursed’
–– Sounds like ripping yarn.
Corridor Crew's AI-Generated Anime Isn't Just Callous and Craven — It's Also Dangerous
–– Admit AI stands for Asshole Insured.
Tteokbokki takeover: America's next food obsession is the ultimate Korean comfort food
–– Yeah, you see in all suburban food courts.
Baskin-Robbins is rolling out chicken and waffles flavored ice cream
–– Comes with cherry Gas-X on top.
Nashville grandpa eating only McDonald's for 100 days to lose weight: 'Absolutely working'
–– Was that or 3 months of MiraLAX.
Fears of European industry exodus to U.S. may be overdone
–– Overdone is only way news served.
Kissing device with lifelike lips has the internet talking. See it in action
–– Talking through chatbot.
The Day I Broke Up with My Mother
–– After finding incest’s illegal.
Alex Murdaugh Photographed in Handcuffs Moments After Being Found Guilty
–– In matching murder suit.
Alex Murdaugh is sentenced to 2 life terms for double murder of his wife and son
–– Without possibility of reanimation.
Why Alex Murdaugh’s Quick Conviction Worries Me
–– I need some excuse to write column.
Maryland mayor resigns after being arrested on more than 50 counts of child pornography
–– ‘Courting youth vote’ excuse failed to impress authorities.
'Jared from Subway' exclusive clip on Fogle's predatory ways: 'Something isn’t right here'
–– Offered young customers 6-inch 'torpedo' specials.
Ex-husband of dismembered model Abby Choi arrested at pier in Hong Kong trying to ‘abscond,’ police say
–– Chop-chop.
A $150,000 ‘executive protection dog’? Rich L.A. homeowners are snapping them up
–– Dogs snapping right back.
Only 5.7% of US doctors are Black, and experts warn the shortage harms public health
–– Headline writers not watching enough TV.
Black Equestrians Want to Be Safe. But They Can’t Find Helmets
–– Or horses with dreads.
San Francisco debates reparations: $5 million each for Black residents?
–– Apparently shooting black tar.
Philly diversity exec, former FOX pundit, resigns amid claims she lied about her race
–– Sadly getting harder for white people to pass.
They were pulled over for tinted windows in Florida. Then came the ‘body cavity’ search
–– Long fingers of law.
Surgery ‘turns drug fugitive into handsome Korean’
–– Founds boy band MDMA.
‘Chaos': Matthew McConaughey, Camila Alves Were on Harrowing Lufthansa Flight Diverted by Turbulence
–– Celebrities make everyday crises seem so relatable.
A dog was on the Lufthansa flight that hit turbulence so severe it sent 7 passengers to the hospital, and it took hours for the owner to learn if the pup was OK
–– Now we really give shit.
A surprising remedy for teens in mental health crises
–– Getoverit! therapy
Turkey's inflation slows further as presidential vote nears
–– Reports coerced by Erdogan campaign reveal.
Make way for a brand new Four Seasons Resort at Saudi Arabia's Red Sea destination. The luxe resort will include 149 rooms, a marina, restaurants, and even an on-site marine discovery center
–– And soundproof press room, bonesaw-equipped.
These Are the Most Interesting New Yachts at the Dubai Boat Show
–– Available for emir $318 mil.
'Giant' Prehistoric Insect Was Accidentally Rediscovered at a Walmart
–– In plastic flip-flops, polyester track suit.
Young women are criticized for this vocal tic — but it helps whales survive
–– Vocal fish fry?
He Took His Shoes Off 20 Years Ago. He Hasn’t Put Them Back On
–– More socko reporting from NYT.
Meteorite hunters raced to south Texas after startling ‘boom.’ Here’s what they found
–– Dirty diaper.
Is Nazi Loot Amid His 6,000 Oils, Some Grenades and Napoleon’s Toothbrush?
–– Hitler’s nail file, at least.
Japan just found 7,000 islands it didn’t know it had
–– Floating around in obi pocket.
Wine grapes were first domesticated 11,000 years ago, gene study says
–– Previously roamed countryside attacking drunks.
Hidden corridor discovered in Great Pyramid of Giza
–– Leads to mummy-in-law suite?
Archaeologists Discover Wooden Spikes Described by Julius Caesar
–– After sitting on evidence.
The Chinese balloon saga could be part of a new space race closer to Earth
–– Inflated expectations.
Now We Need to Worry About Harmful 'Forever Chemicals' in Our Toilet Paper Too
–– OK, you go right ahead.
On SNL, Woody Harrelson pushes popular covid-19 conspiracy theory
–– Wooly Harrelson.
White House proposes $1.6 billion to combat ‘historic’ covid aid fraud
–– Talk about throwing good money after bad.
How China's new No.2 hastened the end of Xi's zero-COVID policy
–– Dropped load.
Linda Kasabian, Manson Family member and key trial witness, dies at 73
–– In Family plot?
Wayne Shorter, influential jazz saxophonist and composer, dies at 89
–– Comes up short.
