Falling Rates
Week of 03/17/23
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Silicon Valley Bank’s parent company files for bankruptcy
–– Gets Silicon ejection.
Meta to Lay Off Another 10,000 Workers
–– Just to cheer up Zuckerberg.
–– There's remote chance.
SVB CEO Becker addresses employees with 'heavy heart' in video
–– And heavier shorts.
SVB CEO Greg Becker lobbied the government to relax some Dodd-Frank provisions on regional lenders in 2015. Trump did in 2018.
–– Was at Becker and call.
Biden, lawmakers scrutinize bank regulations in wake of Silicon Valley Bank failure
–– Have trouble reading ‘corrections’ in Sharpie.
Pence says ‘history will hold Donald Trump accountable’ for Jan. 6th
–– History currently sits with finger up ass.
Trump Blames Mike Pence For Jan. 6 Violence For Not Going Along With His Coup Attempt
–– Thought that was safe abet.
Elon Musk thought it was unfair to jail the 'QAnon Shaman' who broke into the Capitol, but the DOJ says none of the footage was withheld and Tucker Carlson only showed 4 minutes of it
–– In cutting remarks.
White House calls on Pence to apologize for ‘homophobic joke’ about Buttigieg
–– Pete butt o’ joke?
That Sound You Hear Us Donald Trump Shitting Several Bricks Over Michael Cohen’s Grand Jury Testimony
–– He’s building Trump Tower in Palm Springs?
Trump biographer says Donald Trump likely wanted to pay off Stormy Daniels because he was 'more afraid' of Melania Trump than of the electorate
–– Was already paying off Melania for annual hand job.
Trump says 'USA-hating people' bigger threat than Russia to U.S.
–– United Supremacists of America?
Democratic leaders want the party to stop its Kamala Harris pile-on ahead of 2024
–– Amounts to Harrisment?
DeSantis administration revokes Hyatt Regency Miami alcohol license after it hosted 'A Drag Queen Christmas'
–– And didn’t invite him to star as DeSantis Claus.
Publisher Deletes Race From Rosa Parks Story for Florida
–– Was bus she refused to sit in back of speeding?
George Santos files paperwork formally declaring 2024 candidacy
–– And it’s not even April Fool’s Day.
Partisan rancor in Oregon spills over into Idaho effort to absorb its rural neighbors
–– Provokes agitaters.
Egg prices finally fell in February, but will they stay that way?
–– Broken?
Opinion: ‘At my first meeting with Saddam Hussein, within 30 seconds, he knew two things about me,’ says FBI interrogator
–– Second was it wasn’t a gun in my pocket.
ICC judges issue arrest warrant for Putin over war crimes in Ukraine
–– Wanted dead or… nah, dead.
A Republican ‘civil war’ on Ukraine erupts as Reagan’s example fades
–– Just can’t resist tyrannical war criminal.
GOP Group Puts Tucker Carlson's Putin Love Affair On Full Display In New Video
–– Carlson insists rim job 'deep fake.'
Ukraine Is Getting MiG-29 Fighter Jets from Poland and Slovakia. Here's Why That Matters
–– MiG air collusion.
War in Ukraine Puts Centuries of Swiss Neutrality to the Test
–– Real gut check if they had any.
Russia awards pilots involved in confrontation with a U.S. drone over Black Sea
–– Lets them sit out rest of insane war?
Putin's Close Ally Terminally Ill? Chechnya's Kadyrov Denies Being 'Incurably' Sick
–– Cops to being ‘utterly sickening.’
France’s Macron to force through pension reform with no vote
–– Applies Macron economics.
French workers may have to retire at 64 and many are in uproar. Here’s why
–– Bâtards paresseux.
Who Keeps Cutting Taiwan’s Undersea Internet Cables?
–– Paging Charlie Chan.
Thousands of inmates move to Salvadoran 'mega prison'
–– Superseize me.
Teenage Girls Reportedly Arrested in Iran For Dancing to Selena Gomez Song
–– Imam Tonioli particularly harsh.
Taliban Militants Fed Up With Office Culture, Ready to Quiet Quit
–– After burning down building.
U.S. Finally Confirms an Ambassador to India. Here’s What Indians Think of Eric Garcetti
–– ‘Who?’ (with head wobble.)
John Oliver Responds After Ron DeSantis Calls Him “Irrelevant”: “First Thing He’s Said That I’ve Agreed With”
–– Something we can all agree on.
Jen Psaki Finds New Ways to Make News at MSNBC
–– This just in from her PR team.
Diplo opens up about his sexuality, says he’s a ‘vibe guy’
–– Was response Diplomatic?
Puma Deposits Money Into Nipsey Hussle's Children's Trust Fund Every Year
–– Sneaks in.
’This one hurts’: ‘Naatu Naatu’ fans slam Oscars over performance of historic ‘Best Song’ during show
–– Not to Naatu?
A teary John Travolta couldn't distract from Oscars' In Memoriam's missing big names
–– Grease bawl.
Widow of 'Goodfellas' actor hopes politics wasn't why he was left out of Oscars In Memoriam segment
–– Didn’t cast Paul over proceedings?
David Letterman Shades 'Mr. Big Shot' Tom Cruise On 'Jimmy Kimmel Live'
–– Said in jets?
Tom Cruise celebrates Michael Caine’s 90th birthday after skipping the Oscars
–– Blows the bloody candles off.
Angela Bassett’s Face When She Lost The Oscar To Jamie Lee Curtis Is Breaking Hearts
–– Her tragic loss teary subject of next Black Panther sequel.
Sharon Stone Says She Lost “Half My Money to This Banking Thing,” Breaks Down in Tears During Speech
–– More embarrassing display than uncrossed legs.
Quentin Tarantino’s Final Film Is Coming as Filmmaker Readies ‘The Movie Critic’ (Exclusive)
–– The movie critic all set to overpraise.
‘John Wick: Chapter 4’ Review: Keanu Reeves in a Three-Hour Action Epic That’s Like a Spaghetti Western Meets John Woo as Seen in Times Square
–– aka ‘Takes Wicked crap.’
Here’s Keanu Reeves cuddling a ton of adorable puppies
–– Leaves bitches in heat.
Willem Dafoe Is Down to Return as the Green Goblin in a Third ‘Spider-Man’ Movie: “That’s a Great Role”
–– How depressed is he?
Amazon’s ‘A League of Their Own’ to End With Four-Episode Second Season (Exclusive)
–– Strikes out on its Own.
‘Room’ Broadway Production Shuttered Due to Lack of Funding, Lead Producer Withdrawal
–– Locked out.
Whoopi Goldberg Apologizes For Saying Romani Slur on The View
–– Gypsy mouths.
A Florida spring breaker is accused of attacking Def Leppard drummer. What we know about him
–– Very, very drunk, but has pretty good ear.
Steven DeKnight Walks Back ‘Toxic’ Comments About ‘Wednesday’ Star Jenna Ortega
–– Addams shame.
Brian Cox Is Glad ‘Succession’ Is Ending, and Doubles Down on Hating Method Acting: ‘I Don’t Put Up With That American S—’
–– Cox crows.
Ben Affleck Reveals Why He Looked Miserable in Viral Grammys Moment With Jennifer Lopez: ‘I Was Like, Oh God’
–– Was J-Lo point.
Trevor Noah Wins Dutch Erasmus Prize
–– Talk about In Praise of Folly.
Pink Floyd’s $500 Million Catalog Sale Is ‘Basically Dead’ — Or Is It?
–– Or is it just Waters’ brain?
Brian May, lead guitarist of rock band Queen, receives knighthood from King Charles III
–– Could’t wait for May Day?
Ryan Reynolds’ Mint Mobile to Be Acquired by T-Mobile for Up to $1.35 Billion
–– Bank account in Mint condition.
Mets’ Edwin Diaz carried off field after Puerto Rico WBC celebration injury
–– Resting comfortably on $102 mil in team’s cash.
Tiger Woods' ex Erica Herman signed an NDA in exchange for the 'opportunity' to spend time with the golfer: court docs
–– Par for the coarse.
A superyacht named "Privacy" and an NDA for his personal chef: Tiger Woods longtime obsession with keeping his life private
–– And how he’s shanked that.
A Fourth Alabama Player Was at a Deadly Shooting, in a Car Hit by Bullets
–– Crimson in Tide blood.
U.S. Pushes for TikTok Sale to Resolve National Security Concerns
–– Chinese checkers.
No clashes and no free coffee as Red Truck opens amid demonstrations
–– WaPo stirs race pot.
Man convicted after he 'stealthed' partner during sex
–– Moved from condom minimum.
Another catalytic converter thief killed under car
–– Converted to catalic in last seconds.
Monkey appears on woman’s porch and rips her ‘ear in half’ in Oklahoma attack, she says
–– Maybe she should’ve just taken copy of Awake!
Missing man was lured into bathroom for sex, ended up in shallow backyard grave: police
–– For more sex?
Gainesville man looks at child porn while deputies search his home for child porn, sheriff says
–– Returns to screen of crime.
3 Are Charged With Selling ‘Ghost Guns,’ Including Assault-Style Rifles
–– Including Machine Gun Casper.
Alleged 'Family Feud' killer studied criminal justice years before estranged wife's murder
–– Survey says, ‘BFD.’
Rhode Island woman wore a uniform with a Purple Heart and sought help as a veteran with cancer. She'd never served in the military.
–– Rose through the rank.
Ski patrollers struggle to afford mountain towns. Will unions help?
–– Schuss your mouth!
Opinion The heroes who built New York’s stand-up comedy scene — and changed America
–– Heroes? You’re joking, right?
BBC’s flagship soccer show boycotted over Gary Lineker impartiality row
–– In pitch battle.
I was just laid off from Meta. We knew more cuts were coming before Mark Zuckerberg even told us, and the way the layoffs were handled was very cold.
–– Zuckerberg’s ‘Mwa-ha-ha-ha’ sign-off on goodbye video termed ‘hurtful.’
With a 4-day workweek, you’d get 8,320 hours — that’s 346 days — back.
–– Per year?!
Why No Recession One Year After Interest Rates Started Up
–– Yeah, would massive economic downturn start already.
Guinness-drinking horse that cost less than a cow aims for Gold Cup glory today
–– Does give less milk.
Moooove over: How single-celled yeasts are doing the work of 1,500-pound cows
–– Significantly harder to get fingers on teats.
Lunchables are going to be rolled out directly to students. Here’s what’s in them
–– It’s all natural!
Cheez-It and Pringles company gets a new name
–– Retchables.
Hong Kong restaurants celebrate Art Basel’s return with artsy menus inspired by Banksy, Dali and more – a feast for the eyes and palate
–– If conscience is dead from starvation.
Manhattan Restaurant Accused of Serving Rat Soup Closed by Health Department
–– When customer ordered ratatouille.
He Was Sweating Uncontrollably. Was It Male Menopause?
–– Or doctor pulling on rubber glove asking him to lie on side, raise knees to chin?
Magician allegedly attacked onstage during cruise ship performance: 'Absolutely nuts!'
–– Scored hate trick.
Bali Has Had Enough of ‘Naughty Tourists’ Who Have Sex in Public and Break Traffic Laws
–– Sick of Aussies baring ballies.
This Dress Survived for More Than Three Centuries at the Bottom of the Sea
–– You should see lungs on it.
Every Day as a Doctor I Ask Myself If a Puppy Would Do More for Patients Than I Can
–– Hand over your license immediately.
A Giant Blob of Seaweed is Heading to Florida
–– When is Trump rally?
Lion known as "King of the Serengeti" is killed by rivals
–– "Prince of the Savanna", "Baron of the Bush".
National Audubon Society Votes to Keep the Name of an Enslaver
–– Because talk is cheep.
Moment Neglected Mule Who'd Given Up Realizes She's Being Rescued Is So Emotional
–– We got all weepy-assed.
Eight-Legged Candy-Striper Killers Prowl Before the Sun Rises
–– Was that one with Paz de la Huerta?
Brutal-Looking “Edward Scissorhands on Speed” Dinosaur Was Just Showing Off, Scientists Conclude
–– Lizards unimpressed by découpage.
10 Bizarre Mariana Trench Animals That Capture The Terrifying Extremes Of Evolution
–– 6. Hasn't got name, but looks like Harvey Weinstein.
A Huge City Polluter? Buildings. Here’s a Surprising Fix.
–– Dynamite!
Spiky Wooden Defenses Described By Julius Caesar Unearthed For The First Time
–– Evidence of splinter group.
Plastic Rocks Found On Remote Volcanic Island Are A "Terrifying” Discovery
–– In native gift shop, ‘way overpriced.’
Mystery disease kills five people in Tanzania
–– That’s never happened before.
Earth’s Water Is Officially Older Than the Sun. That's Incredible.
–– And wetter!
Southern California water board rescinds emergency conservation measures following winter storms
–– Waste water treatment plaint.
New Data Links Pandemic’s Origins to Raccoon Dogs at Wuhan Market
–– Claims top dog Xi.
Why I was surprised Yankees legend Joe Pepitone lived to 82
–– Geez, can you spare us peppy tone?
Jim Gordon, Drummer for Eric Clapton and ‘Layla’ Co-Writer Who Was Convicted of Murder, Dies at 77
–– Drummed out.
Lance Reddick, Star of ‘The Wire’ and ‘John Wick,’ Dies at 60
–– Down to the Wire.
