Pat on His Back
Week of 03/10/23
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Biden’s $6.8 Trillion Budget Proposes New Social Programs and Higher Taxes
–– And unicorn in every pot.
Disney Softens Prices for Oscars Commercials
–– Board Member Scrooge McDuck protests.
Michael Cohen to Testify at Grand Jury as Likely Trump Indictment Looms
–– More loom and doom.
Biden says 'wacko liberal guy' Ronald Reagan had a higher corporate tax rate than the US has right now
–– And 'Red-baiting, anti-gay racist' is more progressive than current GOP leadership.
Biden scraps reliance on market for faith in broader government role
–– Converts to Church of Data Pays Saints.
Biden misspeaks on creating '12,000 jobs since I took office'
–– Hah, Fox Business, you nailed the old fuddy duddy, while underlining fact he actually created 12 mil.
U.S. House Republican hardliners unveil spending demands for raising debt ceiling
–– In note composed of words snipped from magazines.
Here’s how the second-biggest bank collapse in U.S. history happened in just 48 hours
–– ‘Eff thee, I see’ ensured.
Roku Has $487M In Cash At Failed Silicon Valley Bank
–– Isn’t that ‘had’?
Jill Biden blasts Haley’s proposed competency test for politicians over age 75
–– Unless she caps it at 80.
First Gen Z Congressman Shreds Ron DeSantis With 1 Damning Word
–– And he’s not being fascistious?
DeSantis first-week memoir sales far outpace books by Trump, Pence, Clinton and Obama
–– And his supporters are illiterate!
Young Republicans Are Begging Party Elders To Stop Saying ‘Woke’
–– Self-identify as snowflakes.
Hogan decision not to run for president hits as potential supporters meet
–– Two ‘a bit disappointed’, the other one ‘slightly miffed.’
Times Tucker Carlson Privately Reviled Trump: ‘I Hate Him’
–– ‘Because he never ever complimented my non-bow tie look.’
Rupert Murdoch said he believed Trump was going 'increasingly mad' after he refused to concede defeat in the 2020 election
–– Like what number on the nutter amp?
Trump, Vowing ‘Retribution,’ Foretells a Second Term of Spite
–– Diss, spite his better judgment.
OUCH! Chris Christie Hits Trump Right In His Sorest Of All Sore Spots
–– Antibiotics never cured STD rash.
Opinion The DOJ thinks Trump can be sued for Jan. 6. That should scare him.
–– Progressives think he should be drawn, quartered on National Mall. Does he care?
Trump’s Threat of a Third-Party Run Is Undercut by ‘Sore Loser’ Laws
–– And his inability to count past two.
Judge okays use of Access Hollywood tape in Trump defamation trial
–– How’s that grab you, pussy?
WHO fires Asia chief for racism, abuse and unethical behavior
–– WHO was he kidding?
Ronny Jackson jabs Biden over cancerous lesion removal
–– With scalpel!
Mitch cConnell’s hospitalization raises questions for GOP’s future suffers concussion in fall, will remain hospitalized
–– Doctors ‘doubtful’ it will knock sense into him.
McConnell’s hospitalization raises questions for GOP’s future
–– Life expectancy for 81-year-old is 7.82 years which sounds right for party, too.
Arkansas governor signs bill rolling back child labor protections
–– No hugger be Sanders.
Kellyanne Conway and George Conway are getting divorced
–– After staying together for children, especially Donald.
Ronald Reagan's Son Drops Dad's Name As He Drags Kari Lake On Twitter
–– What did he find at bottom of Lake?
Three Texas women are sued for wrongful death after assisting with abortion
–– Would be dismissed if I was abetting man.
Donald Trump: I’d have let Putin annex Ukraine to end the war
–– Before or after fellating him live on Russian TV?
‘Boy Meets World’ actor Ben Savage announces congressional bid
–– Man Meets Poll.
A captured Russian prison inmate-turned-soldier said the Wagner Group's paramilitary trained him for 3 weeks and didn't expect him to survive the Ukrainian assault
–– Hello murder, hello fodder.
Chaka Khan takes issue with Rolling Stone’s ‘200 Greatest Singers of All Time’ list
–– Humble Chaka doesn’t think she merits 29th slot, is gracious to Mariah Carey and Adele, right? Oh.
Florence Pugh Is 🔥 Flaunting Her Epic Booty In A See-Through Skirt And Thong
–– Make's Blackbeard's look puny.
Bindi Irwin reveals 10-year battle with endometriosis on International Women’s Day
–– Um, uh… Yay?
Jennifer Garner & Samuel Affleck Look Like Twins on Their Adorable Mother-Son Date
–– When you take ayahuasca, stand on head, squint.
The bewildering descent of Scott Adams and ‘Dilbert’
–– Aged into Pointy-Haired Boss.
Can We Fire Our Employee? His Father Just Died.
–– Just place pink slip inside condolence card.
Why the ‘zip-a-dee-doo-dah’ lyric is so controversial — and why Disneyland has removed it
–– It’s nonsense which offends nonsensical.
Paris Hilton opens up about her sex tape in new memoir: 'He told me if I wouldn’t do it, he could easily find someone who would'
–– Ah, young, foolish from perspective of over-the-hill, dumb.
New ‘Alien’ Movie Starts Filming in March, Reveals Cryptic Synopsis and Full Cast
–– Which is equally cryptic.
Marilyn Manson Accuser Went Public With Horrific Claims of Abuse. Now She Says They Were Made Up
–– Haunted Manson.
‘Avatar: The Way of Water’ Digital Release Includes 3 Hours of Bonus Features
–– If you misbehave we’ll make you watch it all.
Chris Rock criticizes Meghan Markle for telling Oprah Winfrey the royals had 'concerns' about her son's skin color: 'That's not racism'
–– Not beyond pale?
Tyrese says bad reaction to depression medication made him falsely claim Will Smith gave him $5 million: 'I was out of my mind’
–– Told to slap out of it.
Halle Berry Celebrates Boyfriend Van Hunt on His Birthday: 'Can't Remember Living Without You'
–– Time for dementia test.
Angela Bassett, Rian Johnson and More Celebs Remember First Oscars Ceremony
–– In 1929?
Michelle Yeoh deleted an Instagram post about the lack of diversity at the Oscars as people point out it may have violated rules by mentioning Cate Blanchett
–– Everything extra unfair all at once.
Oscars Reject Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy’s Bid to Appear on Telecast (EXCLUSIVE)
–– Wasn’t enough time as Academy factors in overage of Angela Bassett’s expected acceptance speech.
Razzie Awards: Jared Leto, Tom Hanks, ‘Blonde’ and the Razzies Themselves Earn Top Dishonors
–– Razzie bury.
Gayle responds to the backlash she received after 'Abcdefu' was nominated for a Grammy: 'I already think these things about myself'
–– Gayle farce wins.
Austin Butler Wins the "Daniel Day-Lewis Taking Method Too Far Prize" and More THR Awards Season Awards
–– Didn’t have to pry from Jeremy Strong’s cold, dead hands?
An older man grooms a teenage girl in this disturbing but vital film
–– Though 90 minutes of hair-brushing can grow tiresome.
Seth Rogen Got Brutally Honest About Why He And His Wife Decided Not To Have Kids After Being Asked If He’d Be “Happier” If They Did
–– Twinkle in eye: ‘Thank you, thank you, thank you.’
'I Dream of Jeannie' Actress Barbara Eden, 91, Seems to Be Aging Backwards in Stunning Red Carpet Shots
–– And talking backwards –– nothing she said made sense.
TSA agents seize gun from actor Mike Epps in Indianapolis
–– Oopps.
Pedro Pascal says that the Grogu puppet in 'The Mandalorian' brought him to tears while filming their season 2 goodbye
–– Poked him in eye with pointy ear.
Pat Sajak Does Something He's 'Never Done' Before on 'Wheel of Fortune’
–– Stayed awake during entire show.
Prince Harry addresses 'Spare' backlash in interview: 'I have never looked for sympathy in this'
–– Don’t even deserve pity you did.
Kate Middleton wore camo military gear complete with badges that signify a new title she inherited from Prince William
–– Prepped for upcoming mission at Chelsea Flower Show.
Ron DeSantis wants to let Novak Djokovic play at the Miami Open so badly, he says he'll 'run a boat from the Bahamas' to smuggle the unvaccinated player in
–– And will personally scrub his balls.
British athletics coach given three-year suspension for using ‘industrial language’ and mocking people with disabilities
–– He was talking shop?
Shawn Kemp, Former NBA Star, Arrested in Drive-By Shooting
–– A slay-up.
Colin Kaepernick calls out adoptive parents’ racism as he promotes new graphic novel
–– Dreadsful.
$2 Billion Powerball Winner Buys $26 Million L.A. Mansion Amid Lawsuit Over Winnings
–– Takes Lotto nerve.
Black And Latine People Are Sharing The Stereotypes They're Sick And Tired Of Hearing
–– Latine? Fabric for zoot suits?
Former Strippers Are Exposing Their Juiciest Secrets And Stories From The Job, And It's Fascinating
–– Drunk audience actually juiciest.
Florida stripper saw her ex at the club, cops say. Then she grabbed a ‘wad’ of cash
–– Plucked G-string.
Teen found naked man in bed: Her dad was jailed for shooting at him, Florida cops say
–– Were they undercover?
Share With Me The Most, Wildest, Or Just Weird Dating Conversation You've Ever Had
–– Like, ‘That chat I had with Kathy about the school dance was the Most!’?
Mexican cartel apologizes for kidnapping, killing Americans, turns over 5 it says responsible
–– Throws in 50 kilos of fentanyl to demonstrate sincerity.
Lindsey Graham is calling for the US to unleash its 'fury and might' to destroy the Mexican drug cartels
–– What’s he smoking?
Man who stole $24 from gas station in China avoided cops by living in a cave for 14 years
–– Where car never needed refill.
Woman Finds Husband's Body While Getting Christmas Decorations from a Closet 8 Months After He Went Missing
–– Decides to use as fertilizer for next year’s tree.
I’m an NYU student who studied abroad in Florence. I hated every aspect of my semester abroad.
–– Semester abroad in Florence? The horror, the horror…
Rush Limbaugh's Florida Mansion Sells for $155 Million, 2 Years After His Death
–– Too bad he didn't live to see day by living 2 years in excruciating pain.
Disney World cutting back bookings at its $5,000 Star Wars hotel
–– There's limit to emotionally-stunted nerds with too much money?
China’s ‘Zero-Dollar’ Tourists Are Getting a Cautious Welcome
–– And their money’s worth.
They were eating at a Florida teppanyaki restaurant. Then something exploded at the table
–– Sake bomb?
Here’s how it sounds when you turn NASA spacecraft data into music
–– Are you lying down, pillow under head?
Dog Hearted: why we never get over the death of a dog
–– You were sleeping with him!
Husky dog who was called 'ugly' for crooked smile finds family who drives 2.6K miles to adopt him
–– Puts crooked smile on ugly children’s faces.
Surfer ‘freaked out’ by seal has leg snapped in two
–– Which totally freaked out seal.
'Aber-clam Lincoln', a 214-year-old clam born same year as Abraham Lincoln, found in Florida
–– Has beard down to here.
HelloFresh drops Thai coconut milk due to monkey slave labor
–– Monkeys: ‘Now what are we going to do all day?’
Stone flakes made by modern monkeys trigger big questions about early humans
–– Like, ‘Just how dumb were they?’
YETI is recalling almost 2 million coolers and other products
–– Makes abominable snow, man.
An alligator egg was stolen from a Texas zoo 20 years ago. Wildlife officials found the 8-foot-long gator living as a pet in the backyard of a former zoo volunteer.
–– Marveled at coinkydink.
A man stranded in the snow without cell service attached his phone to a drone and flew it until he got reception and could send a message for help. It worked.
–– Hard part was holding on to drone while texting with thumbs.
Do not ‘push a slower friend down’ if you encounter a bear, National Park Service warns
–– Shove them back into beast’s path to slow up.
Opinion Wild hogs are awful, but do we have to try to shoot them all?
–– You can try reasoning with them.
Major new museum in India tackles art world bias and the male gaze
–– Took awfully long for silly concept to reach.
Italy's Leonardo set to benefit from higher defence spending
–– Now he can build flying machine?
New York authorities discover 14-foot reticulated python on the side of the road
–– Cops took 20 minutes to find ‘reticulated’ on smart phone.
Oldest reference to Norse god Odin found in Danish treasure
–– As ‘one-eyed bastard.’
Nickelback Might Be the Reason We Have Life on Earth
–– But not ears.
Scientists Just Discovered an Asteroid Heading Our Way. Here's What to Know
–– Space Force should set microwave cannons to ‘potato.’
Nations agree on ‘world-changing’ deal to protect ocean life
–– Seas the day.
La Niña Has Ended, and El Niño May Be on the Way
–– Get back to us when Pinta, Santa Maria due.
Why Big Oil is less worried about Biden phasing out fossil fuels
–– It is so fucked-up on all the money it gouged from customers last year.
Melting ice caps bring archaeological bonanza
–– Every apocalypse has silver lining.
Bill Gates criticizes idea of leading 'impoverished lifestyle' to address climate change
–– Good to ask expert on impoverishment.
BBC will not broadcast Attenborough episode over fear of ‘rightwing backlash’
–– No change in climate of fear.
Is pinning down the origins of Covid-19 necessary to prevent the next pandemic?
–– Gee, don’t know, South China Morning Post. What's President Xi telling you?
Fauci says Redfield’s testimony of COVID call was ‘unequivocally incorrect’
–– Talk about having bad correction.
Tom Sizemore, ‘Saving Private Ryan’ Actor, Dies at 61
–– After decades-long suicide attempt.
Joseph Zucchero, Whose Sandwich Shop Inspired ‘The Bear,’ Dies at 69
–– Sub out.
Topol, Israeli actor who starred in film ‘Fiddler on the Roof,’ dies at 87
–– Following fall.
Robert Blake, actor acquitted in wife's killing, dies at 89
–– Blake down.
