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Owe, Yeah?
Week of 01/27/23

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Majority Leader Steve Scalise rides a bouncy ball decorated with a big dollar sign all the way up to the top of the House Chamber where his head sticks in the ceiling.Yellen warns of debt ceiling "catastrophe" for U.S. and beyond
–– Yellen from rooftops.

You’re Pointing Your Camera the Wrong Way
–– My face is up here.

U.S. Senate Republicans put Biden on notice over debt ceiling
–– Designate Chamber Hard Hat Area.

Janet Yellen says 'it's not a given that the Fed would' accept a $1 trillion platinum coin to save the US from economic catastrophe
–– Concerned merchants would have trouble making change.

Trump’s Theft Of Classified Documents And Joe Biden’s Forgetfulness Are Not The Same
–– Trump thought they included personal ads from hookers.

Classified documents discovered at home of former VP Mike Pence
–– Trump sent as Christmas gift.

Former Vice President Mike Pence purchases $1.93 million, 7-bedroom mansion in Carmel
–– Needs more room for classified documents.

Jeffries taps Schiff, Swalwell for Intelligence panel; McCarthy vows to block both
–– Playing 3-D chess with couple of squares.

McCarthy officially denies Schiff and Swalwell seats on House Intelligence Committee
–– For sits and giggles.

How Kevin McCarthy Forged an Ironclad Bond With Marjorie Taylor Greene
–– Magnetic plates in heads attracted.

Santos doesn’t appear to contest authenticity of resurfaced drag photo: ‘I had fun at a festival’
–– He’s always been drag.

Faucets in McCarthy’s district are running dry after years of drought. Constituents want him to do more
–– Offers to piss down back, tell them it's raining.

Newsweek suggests Matt Gaetz had affair with male staffer solely based on tweets from Dem rival he defeated
–– Big of Fox News to defend Gaetz by detailing ‘smear.’

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Slams Republican Who Urged Her To 'Educate' Herself
–– Would she ever make news without being insulted?

Eric Adams warns fentanyl will 'destroy generations' if New York continues 'sleeping on' crisis
–– Suggests crack chasers.

Meta reinstates Trump on Instagram and Facebook ahead of 2024 election
–– Who never meta lie he didn't like.

Melania Trump And Ivanka Trump Reportedly ‘Competed’ While In The White House Because Ivanka Wanted To Be First Lady
–– As did her dad.

Trump Somehow Wins His Club’s Golf Championship Despite Missing First Day
–– Otherwise he'd handicap score keeper.

Political books are often bland. Mike Pompeo’s is savage.
–– He did work for feral government.

Opinion Mike Pompeo’s revolting embrace of MBS after the Khashoggi murder
–– Saw point.

Elaine Chao, Trump-era transportation secretary and Mitch McConnell's wife, hits back at Trump for giving her the racist nickname 'Coco Chow'
–– Ciao, bully.

‘It was my most terrifying experience – and I’ve seen Trump naked!’: Stormy Daniels on standup, tarot and reality TV
–– Bet his 'standup' sucked.

Sen. Lindsey Graham said he's 'tired of the s*** show' and that the US and Germany should send tanks to Ukraine: 'World order is at stake'
–– Suffers from Turret's Syndrome.

Germany’s Reluctance on Tanks Stems From Its History and Its Politics
–– Bunch of Panzer wastes.

Former Top F.B.I. Official in New York Charged With Aiding Oligarch
–– Swabbed deck of superyacht.

Opinion Distinguished pol of the week: Jacinda Ardern was the icon democracy needed
–– Isn’t that ‘extinguished?’

Egypt’s Suez Canal nets $8 billion in new annual record
–– Can they afford U-turn lanes?

Assad Regime Carried Out 2018 Chlorine Attack in Syria, Investigates Say
–– Horrible, but pools never cleaner.

‘Till’ Director Highlights “Unabashed Misogyny Towards Black Women” After Oscars Snub
–– This week in Good Sportsmanship.

Avatar: The Way Of Water crosses $2 billion worldwide, but Skinamarink slips
–– That ‘but’ stinks.

Jeremy Renner Says His '30 Plus Broken Bones' Will 'Mend' and 'Grow Stronger' After Snowplow Accident
–– Can't replace some with adamantium?

Eddie Redmayne: ‘Until there’s a levelling, there are certain parts I wouldn’t play’
–– White male, British accent? Guess it’s villains here on out.

Justin Bieber sells his music catalog
–– Which should be hung in outhouse as asswipe.

With Kingdom Of The Planet Of The Apes Almost Done Shooting, Writers Talk How Andy Serkis’ Caesar Will Be Addressed
–– Not 'Hail Caesar, those who are about to sigh salute you?'

‘I’m Not a Victim’: Pamela Anderson Opens Up About Money, Abuse and the ‘Assholes’ Behind ‘Pam & Tommy’
–– You are criminal bore.

‘The Mosquito Coast’ Canceled at Apple After Two Seasons
–– Buzzes off.

Jay Leno's 30-Year Run at NBCUniversal Poised to End as CNBC Cancels His 'Garage' Car Series
–– Suffers burnout.

Jay Leno suffers broken bones in motorcycle accident
–– In slowest suicide attempt in history.

Brandon Cronenberg Debuts Shock NC-17 Pic ‘Infinity Pool’ Featuring Alexander Skarsgard Naked and Breastfeeding
–– Like father likes scum.

Jonathan Majors ate over 6,000 calories per day – including elk and chicken – while training for bodybuilding film 'Magazine Dreams'
–– While apparently starving acting muscle.

Chelsea Handler says she ‘didn’t know’ she was on Ozempic
–– After injecting! Was she also popping roofies?

‘1923’ Fans Are Devestated Over This Latest Show News
–– Because they can spell ‘devastated.’

‘GMA' Host TJ Holmes Allegedly Hooked Up With A 24-Year-Old ABC Employee Before He Was Fired
–– TJ hooker?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus Reacts to Watching Son Charlie Hall ‘F—king Some Girl in a Library’ on ‘Sex Lives of College Girls’
–– 'Like in his high school's production of The Music Man.'

Barry Jenkins and Raven Jackson on the Visual Poetry of ‘All Dirt Roads Taste of Salt’
–– Well, eat my dirt!

In ‘Poker Face,’ Natasha Lyonne Can’t Help But to Crack the Case
–– But crack indeed.

Kevin Hart’s Tour in Cairo Sparks Debate on Afrocentrism and the Pharaohs
–– Where?

Here Are All the Different Types of Infected on "The Last of Us"
–– Growths chart.

Don Lemon Responds To Stephen Colbert’s Criticism Over “Tragic” Suit-Hoodie Outfit On ‘CNN This Morning’
–– Lemon harangue pie.

Alan Cumming Returns British Honor Awarded by Queen Elizabeth Over 'Misgivings' of 'Toxicity of Empire'
–– Cumming to his senses?

Ghislaine Maxwell claims in jailhouse interview that Prince Andrew photo with Virginia Giuffre is ‘fake’
–– Slut shamming?

Prince Harry Said The Palace Would Undermine His Spare Efforts. That Doesn't Seem To Be Happening
–– Spare parse.

Harry and Meghan's series is Netflix’s second-highest ranked documentary ever
–– They mean advert don’t they?

Harry & Meghan Netflix documentary director accuses Palace of trying to 'discredit' series
–– After Sussexes already did perfectly good job of it.

King Charles’ Coronation Details Are Out, and They Include a Star-Studded Concert at Windsor Castle
–– And Choker Collar-Studded Prince Andrew.

Retired astronaut Buzz Aldrin marries ‘longtime love’ on his 93rd birthday
–– Has mooned over for years.

Pro Football Hall of Famer Shannon Sharpe in courtside altercation with Memphis Grizzlies players
–– Sharpe as attack.

Opinion Don’t ban TikTok. Make it safer for the country.
–– No, no –– abso-effin’-lutely do!

I Don’t Mind if You Say You Have ‘a Little OCD’
–– I wash my hands of it. Again and again and again.

I spent $75,000 on plastic surgery just to feel accepted by the LGBTQ community. It was worth every cent.
–– ‘And I’m straight!’

DJ accidentally shoots herself face confetti cannon
–– Ends up wearing specks.

Bed Bath & Beyond says it can no longer pay its debts
–– After taking bath.

Chase closes some New York ATMs early because of ‘rising crime’
–– Hope they mean their withdrawal fees.

This ‘Cryptoqueen’ scammed investors out of $4 billion, the FBI says. Then she boarded a plane and disappeared
–– To Land of Make Believe.

Andrew Tate says his jail cell in Romania is dark and infested with cockroaches and lice
–– Like his head.

The gunman in the Monterey Park mass shooting is "still outstanding," sheriff say
–– C’mon, don’t praise the psychopath.

New York governor denounces "scourge of gun violence" in reaction to Monterey Park massacre
–– Hochul may actually not know it’s in California.

Lunar New Year parties tinged with fear after Monterey Park shooting
– If we can only keep pushing hate crime narrative.

Half Moon Bay attack was ‘workplace violence incident,’ officials say
–– That mushroomed.

Suspect in overnight Yakima shooting that left 3 people dead has died of an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound, police say
–– Those always come too late.

Prosecutors say Brian Walshe searched online for, ‘Can you be charged with murder without a body?’ The law says you can
–– Like if you’re ghost?

Amid a Plague of Shootings, Bystanders Become Heroes
–– Every cloud of gun smoke has silver lining.

A woman who got wasted at a Marilyn Manson concert blew up $15 million worth of property. She's suing the company that served her.
–– Didn’t know actual nitro was in TNT.

Fox News weatherman Adam Klotz beaten on NYC subway train
–– Fists rained down.

A 45-year-old biotech CEO may have reduced his biological age by at least 5 years through a rigorous medical program that can cost up to $2 million a year, Bloomberg reported
–– This week in Simple Health Tips You Can Do at Home.

An oil painting that was discovered in a farm shed covered in bird droppings is a rare piece of art expected to sell for up to $3 million
–– Not by Jackson Pollock.

Don't say 'mummy': Why museums are rebranding ancient Egyptian remains
–– Forgot ‘mummy’s the word.’

Archaeologists Uncover "Oldest, And Most Complete Mummy" Found In Egypt Yet
–– Has all Daddy parts.

National Prayer Breakfast breaks with Christian group that ran it for years
–– Like flaky croissant.

‘This has been a long time coming': Reba McEntire opens Reba's Place restaurant in Oklahoma
–– ‘And y’all will be a long time going.’

A burger chain switches to Coca-Cola. Pepsi fans are furious
–– Develop dyspepsia.

Video of Istanbul dinner cruise goes viral after group is served ‘singular chicken nugget’
–– Definition 2?

Colorado baker loses appeal over transgender birthday cake
–– He is so frosted.

The Many Lessons of Kouign-Amann
–– 3. How to use NY Times recipe to evoke pity over your child’s COVID.

Connecticut business owner named her new breakfast spot 'Woke' as a pun. But then some conservative residents mistook the name and complained.
–– Featured items: BLM –– Bacon (vegan), Lettuce, Mayo; SJW –– Seitan, Jicama Wrap; AOC –– Artichoke Omelet with Cheese (non-dairy).

The Southern drive-in where fried pickles found fame
–– In amateur production of Dilliverance.

Fine Dining and the Ethics of Noma’s Meticulously Crafted Fruit Beetle
–– Unpaid intern didn't get just desserts?

This dead fish head pie is worth waiting for
–– If you’re Dead Phish Head.

M&M's says it's killing its 'spokescandies' after conservatives were outraged that the green one didn't wear go-go boots anymore
–– Death by chocolate.

The Toxin That Helps Oyster Mushrooms Devour Worm Flesh
–– And comes in spearmint flavor.

6 doctors swallowed Lego heads for science. Here's what came out
–– Small brown interlocking bricks.

How These Dog Walkers Make Over $100,000 a Year
–– Dognapping.

Why Do My Dog's Paws Smell Like Fritos? A Vet Shares the Answer and How it Affects a Pet's Health
–– Why do you let him walk on snack table at parties?

NYC man, 32, quits $40K teaching job to make $120K as a dog walker
–– Offers course New Tricks.

Man’s reunion with dog after 6 months apart delights viewers: “That tail”
–– “Those teats!”

New York shelter wants you to adopt this ‘jerk’ dog
–– And prepare as you would jerk chicken.

Want to adopt Ralphie the ‘demon’ dog? There’s a lot of competition
–– Entire Church of Satan.

Struggling pig kills butcher at slaughterhouse in Hong Kong
–– To help pay off debts.

What Are These Apes Trying to Say? Take This Quick Quiz.
–– Leave us alone!

4-foot-long sea creature washes up on Texas beach, shocks researcher
–– With electric eel!

Police are investigating a vulture’s death at the Dallas Zoo as ‘suspicious’
–– For laughs macaws circled overhead.

“Extraordinary” video shows asteroid passing “extremely” close to Earth
–– Shot on Venusian’s smartphone.

Car-size laser deflects lightning atop a mountain in Switzerland
–– Is rod in shop?

Was CO2 actually lower before Earth got trees
–– First nursery only opened 400 mil years ago.

Anchorman director to sell Sex Panther prop in climate fund auction
–– How does air pollutant help?

Earth’s inner core may have stopped turning and could go into reverse, study suggests
–– David Innes getting dizzy.

When is it OK to make germs worse in a lab? It's a more relevant question than ever
–– You mean teach them bad habits?

McCarthy sets up votes to dismantle Biden’s COVID emergency: 'The pandemic is over'
–– Biden’s own misguided conclusion four months ago.

‘Polo Polo,’ popular Mexican comedian, dead at 78
–– Left mark o’ Polo.

Dick Polich, Artists’ Ally in the Creation of Sculptures, Dies at 90
–– Stone cold.

‘Sesame Street’ co-creator Lloyd Morrisett dies at 93
–– Elmo to provide eulogy.