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Express Male
Week of 02/24/23

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Biden’s Ukraine visit upstages Putin and leaves Moscow’s military pundits raging
–– Off the rails.

Los Angeles sees first blizzard warning since 1989
–– Not mounds of snow town's used to.

Biden's surprise visit to Kyiv will have 'zero' impact on Russia-Ukraine conflict, Putin expert says
–– This direct from RT… oh, make that Fox News.

US believes Russia had failed intercontinental ballistic missile test while Biden was in Ukraine
–– While in bed!

The Problem With Russia Is Russia
–– Well, Putin it that way…

Opinion: What it means to stand behind Vladimir Putin
–– Lots of funky backdraft.

Former Russian president says country "will be torn to pieces" if it loses war 
–– Brilliantly rallies enemy.

A ‘base camp’ has popped up on vacant land in the Florida Keys. What’s happening there?
–– Navy PARROTHEADS maneuvers?

GOP Rep. Andy Ogles claimed to fight international sex crimes and be an economic expert. Like George Santos, his real resume tells another story.
–– Ogles ladies?

Trump’s visit to Ohio derailment gives Biden’s team some breathing room
–– Hoping he’ll suck in toxic gas.

Trump’s Ohio Visit Puts Spotlight on Rail-Safety Rules He Ended
–– Them's the brakes.

Rupert Murdoch suggested Fox News hosts Carlson, Hannity and Ingraham go on air and say Joe Biden had won 2020 election, court filing says
–– Wait, hold on, you mean report news?

Trump tried to call in to Fox News as the Capitol riot unfolded but the network refused to put him on air, new filing claims
–– Afraid of damaging precious rep for fairness.

It could take a decade to undo damage to the Republican Party caused by Fox News promoting election fraud claims, says former GOP official
–– To audience that can’t remember what happened ten days ago.

Hear why Kevin McCarthy gave Jan. 6 security footage to Tucker Carlson
–– It was Valentine's Day?

Feeling ‘overwhelmed’ and ‘fatigue,’ some GOP voters look beyond Trump
–– Not ‘humiliated’ and ‘wised-up’?

Former Arizona AG sat on records refuting election fraud
–– Now they’re unreadable.

Donald Trump Jr.’s Interview With Kyle Rittenhouse Goes South In A Hurry
–– They’re already in Hell.

Donald Trump Jr. said he lived off gas station sushi for a year when his family financially cut him off
–– Could help explain brain-eating bacteria.

Former WH doctor for Trump, Obama blasts 'alarming' Biden health report: 'The cover-up needs to end'
–– ‘It’s worse than that orange paste President Trump smeared on his face. By prescription, of course.’

Former GOP Gov. Larry Hogan says he would consider not running in 2024 if his candidacy would help Trump
–– Nation: ‘Who are you, again?’

Trump’s White House accomplishments aren’t so easy to sell on the campaign trail
–– How about at 50¢ BOGO?

Former Wisconsin GOP Gov. Scott Walker says Trump has 'earned the right' to be in the 2024 Republican presidential primary
–– Just like he earned right to be night manager at Arby’s.

'I'm doing everything right,' Marjorie Taylor Greene tells GOP gathering in Coeur d’Alene
–– ‘Y’know, Right. Like conservative –– it’s a pun, dontcha’ get it? It’s a friggin’ bon mot, f’r chrissakes!’

Rep. Taylor Greene suggests 'national divorce' on Presidents Day
–– We suggest Reality gets kids.

Chris Sununu Eyes the G.O.P.’s ‘Normal’ Lane in 2024. Does It Exist?
–– Sure does, but Taylor Greene’s double wide’s parked in middle of it.

Conservative entrepreneur and 'anti-woke' crusader Vivek Ramaswamy launches GOP presidential campaign
–– Nikki Haley scooches over in clown car.

’Why would you lie about something like that?': Piers Morgan confronts George Santos in TV interview
–– ‘Well, my lips were already moving…’

Republicans use ‘wokeism’ to attack left — but struggle to define it
–– Did get D in English.

Opinion There is only one way to rein in Republican judges: Shaming them.
–– Great plan except for whole lack-of-conscience thing.

How Clarence Thomas went from a left-wing Black radical to one of the Supreme Court's most conservative judges
–– Silently.

‘Next level cruelty’: Ted Cruz just slammed the IRS over its proposed tip reporting program — that could hike taxes owed by certain workers. This is what it might mean for you
–– ‘Why can’t they be ratting out fellow workers on abortion?’

Democrats defend Rep. Chu against ‘xenophobic’ accusations of disloyalty to U.S.
–– Forbid playing Bowie hit on House floor.

Exclusive: North Korea a ‘clear and present danger,’ says South Korean Foreign Minister
–– He just got memo?

‘Electric Malady? Marie, girl, what a slay’: deconstructing Ariana DeBose’s personalised Bafta rap
–– Wasn’t it audition for new High School Musical? Actual high school musical?

In Defense of Ariana DeBose’s Rap: BAFTA Producer Slams Twitter Criticism as ‘Incredibly Unfair,’ Claims ‘Everybody Loved It’ (EXCLUSIVE)
–– Baffla.

Bafta’s all-white winners lineup is shocking – it needs to learn diversity is more than just statistics
–– It’s quotas, too?

Florence Pugh Stuns In Sultry, See-Through Cape Dress On The Cover Of ‘Vanity Fair’
–– Tough titties to critics.

Evangeline Lilly Knew Posting Anti-Vaxx Rally Pics Would ‘Wake the Giant,’ Says ‘Ant-Man’ Director Told Her to Ignore Rumors Marvel Was Firing Her
–– Besides, it enhanced portrayal of Wasp, convincing audiences she had tiny brain.

Evangeline Lilly Recalls Making a Sexual Comment About Michael Douglas in 'Room Full of Children'
–– See above.

Michelle Pfeiffer looks back at 'Batman,' says she had to trust 'Ant-Man' creators not to make her look stupid
–– That’s what CGI is for.

Ellen Barkin Alleges ‘Sea of Love’ Director Ripped Off Her Merkin on Set: ‘What Do You Need This For?’
–– Hit sticky patch.

Jeremy Strong Says Viral New Yorker Profile Was “15 Minutes of Shame”
–– Suck session?

‘Succession’ Star Brian Cox Doubles Down On Criticism Over Jeremy Strong’s Acting Style: “It’s F–ing Annoying”
–– Method to his madness.

‘Rust’ Prosecutors Downgrade Alec Baldwin’s Manslaughter Charges
–– Keep PR machine at highest possible setting.

John Malkovich Reacts to His 'Close' Friend Julian Sands' Disappearance: 'Very Sad Event'
–– Sands’ souci.

Madonna Jokes About 'Swelling from Surgery' Following Criticism of Her Appearance at 2023 Grammys
–– Has long suffered with swelled head.

‘Bursting Proud’: Ireland Cheers Paul Mescal for Embracing Irish Language
–– Ladies want to embrace his tongue.

Stranger Things ' David Harbour Shares Heartfelt Reaction to Noah Schnapp's Coming Out
–– Just what fans have waited 6 weeks for.

Gisele Bündchen Parties with Pals at Rio de Janeiro Carnival
–– Looks like Taut Tuesday.

Jessica Chastain Returns to the Stage With Nothing to Prove
–– Not even remembering lines?

They done rebooted the Hellboy again
–– Damned if they didn’t.

‘Zombie fungus' lives among us and not just as HBO plot of 'The Last of Us'
–– Hey, buddy, we watch news, too.

Aubrey Plaza joked she had a 'stare-down' with Joe Biden when she was 16 and years later stole a notecard off his desk when the 'Parks and Rec' cast visited the White House
–– Would’ve definitely won ‘sneer-off.’

Rihanna’s Super Bowl Halftime Show Drew FCC Complaints Accusing Her of Being Too Sexual
–– Some people turned on by pregnant women loitering.

‘Heartbreaking’: Visitor accidentally shatters Jeff Koons 'balloon dog' sculpture at Art Wynwood
–– Tragic –– now there are only 799 reproductions of this piece of kitsch in whole world.

At 55, Pamela Anderson Bares It All in Latest Steamy Pics and Fans Lose It
–– Lunch?

Paris Hilton’s “dumb Blonde” persona was her armor. She’s finally ready to shed it.
–– Leaving skeleton?

Roald Dahl’s Books Are Rewritten to Cut Potentially Offensive Language
–– To these two.

Salman Rushdie calls revisions to Roald Dahl books ‘absurd censorship’
–– What, in name of Allah, does he know about censorship?

Roald Dahl Publisher Bends to Controversy, Will Release “Classic” Version of Controversial Kids' Books
–– Was obvious they had courage of their convictions.

Lisa Marie Presley's daughter Riley Keough stuns at first red carpet since mom's death
–– Breasts didn’t look least bit sad.

Don Lemon to Undergo “Formal Training” After Nikki Haley Remarks, Will Return to CNN Show Wednesday
–– Will be taught how to place silverware, fold napkins, pour wine.

Opinion Does Don Lemon’s punishment fit the crime?
–– He’s an idiot, but ‘crime’?

J.K. Rowling Isn’t Concerned About Anti-Trans Backlash Tarnishing Her Legacy: ‘I’ll Be Dead’
–– Yes, she’ll be dead.

’Senior Royal’ Jokes About ‘Kicking’ Prince Andrew Out of His Royal Home
–– He usually pays young women to kick him.

Queen Camilla's Secret Signal for Getting King Charles to Hurry Up During Royal Events Gets Uncovered
–– Left knee to bollocks.

Queen Consort Camilla Was Reportedly “Shocked and Dismayed” About the New Roald Dahl Editions
–– Insists that's her in The Witches.

Prince Harry Announces Surprise 'Spare' Event — with a Special Guest
–– ‘Spare’ parse.

Seattle becomes the first city in the US to ban caste discrimination
–– Before planned relocation to South Asia.

Where Crypto Goes After the FTX Debacle
–– To blazes, we can hope.

Opinion This isn’t the ‘end of ambition’ for young Americans. It’s a redefining of it.
–– As ‘sheer laziness.’

I'm A 55-Year-Old Single Mom. Here's How I Became One Of The Most Popular Models On OnlyFans.
–– One for the ageists.

Modern Dads Are Embarrassing. Which Just Might Be Good Politics.
–– NYT: ‘Aw, men –– we only keep ‘em around for laughs.’

A Serene Oasis in the West Village, in Just 450 Square Feet
–– Filled with water.

Doctor makes shocking discovery after 4-year-old had excruciating ear pain at a BBQ
–– Had rib in Eustachian canal!

2 million Cosori air fryers recalled because of fire hazard
–– Renamed hair fryers.

People Boycott Popular Beer After Producer Breaks Promise to Pull Out of Russia
–– Kick Heinie.

Fat, Sugar, Salt… You’ve Been Thinking About Food All Wrong
–– OK, then; Fat, Salt, Sugar.

Best Casino Restaurants Across The US
–– Don't eat the chips.

'I Wanted To Cry': Woman Finds Roach Inside Chicken Tender Prompting Investigation of Florida Restaurant
–– 'I think of the song and how the poor cucaracha, she has no hind legs. ¡Ay, caramba!'

Pediatric ER Doctor Issues Warning After Boy, 4, Ate Hamburger Containing Wire from Grill Brush
–– Now he doesn't have to brush his grill.

I Feel Like I’m Burning Alive. It's Hard for People to Believe Me
–– Even after I started Festival in Black Rock Forest.

He took out a student loan in ’77. Today, he’s barely cracked the principal.
–– Across knuckles.

After more than 40 years, end of the road for Southern California's Cal Worthington car dealership
–– Felt used.

Ketchup helped him survive weeks lost at sea. Now Heinz wants to buy him a new boat
–– This week in Publicity Stunts.

Female soldier ‘straddled and humped’ fellow recruit and ‘poked’ her breasts
–– And it wasn’t mounted brigade.

Alex Murdaugh admits to lying, testifies he didn’t kill his wife and son
–– Not charged with Murdaugh one?

Strapped to a gurney, death row inmate Donald Dillbeck saves his last words for DeSantis
–– By lethal interjection.

Cocaine Bear, Meet Cannabis Raccoon and McFlurry Skunk
–– And Junk Food Journalist.

Archery May Have Arrived in Europe Thousands of Years Earlier Than Thought
–– Sounds way off target.

What a Comb Can Tell Us About the History of the Written Word
–– Parting is such sweet sorrow?

Ancient tombs unearthed in Egypt were likely looted — but wrapped bodies left behind
–– Under petrified Christmas tree.

Archaeologists Discover Ancient Wari Ritual Complex in Southern Peru
–– Gives them something to Wari about.

A dying baby turtle survived after drifting 4,000 miles to Ireland
–– Shell of former self.

3 million years ago, this brutish giant petrel likely eviscerated dead seals with its knife-like beak
–– Bloody likely?

A gator-faced fish shaped like a torpedo stalked rivers 360 million years ago
–– On sub continent?

Did You Catch The Show The Planets Put On Last Night?
–– We heard it was rerun.

Rest in … compost? These ‘green funerals’ offer an eco-friendly afterlife.
–– Was body in turd?

GOP Ex-Sen. Inhofe Retired Due To Long COVID After Opposing COVID Aid
–– OK, so maybe there is God.

Jimmy Carter, the oldest living president, said he's 'completely at ease with death'
–– Death flashes thumbs-up.

A nuclear reactor was melting down. Jimmy Carter came to the rescue.
–– Introduced self as Carter, James Carter.

Jimmy Carter’s Presidency Was Not What You Think
–– Always interested in opinion of mind reader.

Richard Belzer, comedian and ‘Law & Order: SVU’ actor, dies at age 78
–– Munch hosin’.

Richard Belzer, Extraordinarily Smart-Ass as a Comic and a TV Cop, Dies at 78
–– Boy, they did not come to praise Caesar.