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Week of 02/10/23

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

A spoof of President Joe Biden's State of the Union address with him standing in the aisle with a comically big red boxing glove on extension scissors  stretched out to punch a heckling Marjorie Taylor Greene as he says 'Like my Dad used to say, 'Right in the kisser!'
Marjorie Taylor Greene shouts "liar" at Biden during State of the Union address
–– Finally acknowledging common ground.

Hip-Hop, Still Fly at 50
–– Swat up?

After Shouts of ‘Liar’ and Worse, Biden Takes on His Detractors in Real Time
–– Like Ali sparring with box turtle.

Biden Calls on Republicans to Help Him ‘Finish the Job’ and Build the Economy
–– Just one more pair of cards on tippy top of leaning tower.

McConnell slams Scott over plan to sunset Medicare, Social Security
–– Twilight of the clods.

Targeting Social Security, Ron Johnson does Team Biden a favor
–– Puts bill on head, aims gun up nose.

Republican response to Biden State of the Union speech speeds decline of civility in politics
–– Civil whore reenactment.

Joe Biden has steadied the nation – why don’t his polling numbers reflect this?
–– Shaky grip on reality.

McCarthy warns Republicans not to misbehave at State of the Union, promises no 'childish games' like Pelosi's infamous speech tearing moment
–– This was more like McCarthy splitting pants.

Four Supreme Court justices absent from Biden's State of the Union
–– It conflicted with John Birch Society mixer.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders' 'Normal Or Crazy' Challenge Backfires Spectacularly
–– Because she’s normally crazy.

Chris Christie says Biden is 'not capable of running a traditional American race' in 2024: 'He's old. He's boring.'
–– Kinda like calling self ‘fat, stupid.’

White House Communications Director Kate Bedingfield to Step Down After 4 Years
–– Must've worked twice as hard in 2 years.

Why the law Biden is using to cancel student debt is 'highly strained,' according to a group formed by Obama lawyers aimed at protecting American democracy
–– Fear hernia in legal briefs.

6 major takeaways from the ATF's first report in 20 years on U.S. gun crime
–– Bullet points?

The overturn of Roe v. Wade has been a catastrophe for Republican attempts to win over Gen Z
–– Their demo is Gen Zzz.

Koch Political Machine Vows to Fight to Deny Trump GOP Nomination in 2024
–– Koch zero.

U.S. military downs Chinese balloon over Atlantic Ocean
–– Latest anti-inflation measure.

Donald Trump Tries to Deny That Spy Balloons Also Flew Over U.S. During His Presidency
–– These things had intelligence-gathering capabilities?

Marco Rubio learns Chinese spy balloon over US three times during Trump administration
–– That's hard to believe… Rubio learned something.

China says it rejected U.S. call over balloon because ‘atmosphere’ wasn’t right
–– After they crapped pants.

GOP congresswoman says Biden 'failed the test' with suspected Chinese spy balloon
–– F her.

Marjorie Taylor Greene faces backlash for saying her salary is ‘too low’
–– Matches her brow.

Greene calls for probe into why Trump was unaware of previous Chinese balloons
–– We want probe into why she’s unaware she has deflated balloon in head.

James Carville Attacks GOP, Marjorie Taylor Greene As 'White Trash'
–– She makes Mama June look like Lady Astor.

CBS News pressed Sen. Ted Cruz on why he's running for reelection after he introduced a bill limiting senators to 2 terms in office: 'Why aren't you holding yourself to that standard?'
–– 'I haven't even done the work equivalent to 1/2 term yet.'

George Santos Said Biden SOTU Was ‘Gaslighting’ And You Know What Happened Next
–– He claimed to invent phrase while starring in 1944 film.

More people are questioning George Santos' claim that he rescued 2,400 animals and are accusing him of pocketing thousands of dollars meant for pets: NYT
–– Other accuse him of carrying dozens of animals in pockets.

'A Sick Puppy': Mitt Romney And George Santos Get Into Tense Exchange At State Of The Union
–– Beyond being rescued.

Rep. George Santos accused of sexual harassment by prospective staffer who alleges he touched his groin
–– Told he wanted 'rod and staffer.'

DeSantis wanted to ban guns at event, but not to be blamed, emails show
–– Have his glock and eat it, too.

Florida House approves plan to give DeSantis new power over Disney
–– Magic staff hewn from Pinocchio’s nose.

Trump amplifies posts claiming DeSantis was 'grooming high school girls'
–– All his attacks are already set on 11.

Trump brings back Jason Miller
–– Has been living in loading dock dumpster at Trump Tower.

Trump rape case judge is losing patience with defense requests to delay: 'Things keep happening in this case involving your client'
–– Which, to be fair, doesn't sound all that unusual.

Melania Trump's 'Unexpected' Presence in the Situation Room During a Major Military Operation Raised a Few Eyebrows
–– Under table!

Chelsea Handler Asks Sen. Raphael Warnock if He Wrote a Children's Book So Herschel Walker Could Read It
–– Can't be –– not enough pictures.

Neo-Nazi leader and Maryland woman allegedly plotted to ‘completely destroy’ Baltimore, Justice Department says
–– How could you tell when they were done?

Neo-Nazi Bonnie and Clyde Arrested for Plotting to Wipe Out Baltimore’s Power Grid
–– Real powerless couple.

Head of Russian Orthodox Church ‘was a spy for the KGB’
–– Had pen camera, wristwatch with laser, cyanide pill in beard.

Zelensky Brings a Shopping List to Britain, With Fighter Planes at the Top
–– Weetabix in middle.

SpaceX admits blocking Ukrainian troops from using satellite technology
–– Because Musk kinda likes Putin’s style.

Brazil’s Lula Promised ‘More Books in Place of Guns.’ Can He Deliver?
–– And how about paper ammo?

Twitter Drags Ben Affleck for Looking ‘Bored’ and ‘Miserable’ at the Grammys With Jenifer Lopez
–– More like Grimmys, amirite?

Ice-T Laughs Off Clip of Grammys Attendee Checking Out His Wife Coco Austin: ‘I Totally Understand’
–– Coco puff piece.

Michael Jackson Documentary Director: Biopic 'Will Glorify A Man Who Raped Children'
–– Bio degradeable.

William Jackson Harper Says He Was “Big Mad” After ‘Love Life’ Was Pulled From HBO Max
–– We’re ‘little big deal.’

You Star Penn Badgley Requested 'Zero' Intimacy Scenes for Joe in Season 4: 'I Don't Want to Do That'
–– Keeping cap on Penn.

Salma Hayek says there was 'so much testosterone' on the set of 'Magic Mike 3' that she worried about 'growing a mustache'
–– Above her ‘beard?’

Pamela Anderson Addresses Tim Allen's Denial to Flashing Her on Home Improvement Set
––While doing wood work?

Pamela Anderson embraces Canadian roots with surprise visit to Toronto restaurant
–– Apparently embraced many Canadians' roots in day.

John Cleese’s Fawlty Towers reboot might not be ‘anti-woke’ – but it’s still a terrible idea
–– Especially without Manuel labor.

Charlie Kaufman Loves New York, Even When It’s Smacking Him in the Face
–– Somebody should be.

Armie Hammer Breaks Silence on Misconduct Allegations in First Interview Since Scandal, Revealing Suicidal Intent and Childhood Sexual Abuse
–– Will he be held a cannibal for his actions?

Brendan Fraser Explains Why He Still Isn’t Comfortable With The Praise And Gigs He’s Receiving Amid The Brenaissance
–– Smart enough to know he doesn’t deserve.

Pink Floyd Feud Between Roger Waters and David Gilmour Just Got Deeply Personal
–– And surprisingly accurate.

Harrison Ford: “I Know Who the F*** I Am”
–– Has seen many of own movies.

Madonna hits back at ageist criticism after Grammy Awards appearance
–– Even her face-saving excuses are getting old.

Dakota Johnson Wore the Sexist Form-Fitting Dress That Will Put You in a Total Daze
–– Especially you sexists.

Revisiting ‘Barb Wire,’ the Movie That Should’ve Made Pamela Anderson a Superstar Actress
–– If rest of Hollywood was interred in prison camp.

Why Eva Green has every right to treat the rest of us like ‘peasants’
–– We’d gladly dress up in rags for her.

Bowen Yang's Chinese spy balloon may be the 'SNL' star's best impression yet
–– Suggesting accuracy of his human impressions.

Gustavo Dudamel, one of the world’s top maestros, will leave the Los Angeles Philharmonic to lead the New York Philharmonic.
–– Finally, payback for Dem Bums.

Tom Brady and Ex-Wife Gisele Bundchen ‘Talked’ Through 2nd Retirement Before His Announcement: She’s Been His ‘Rock’
–– Thrown at head in divorce.

Drool Over Gisele Bundchen’s Most Sultry Swimsuit Moments: From the Runway to the Beach
–– Salivation army.

Elizabeth Banks knows risk of new movie ‘Cocaine Bear’ could come back and bite her
–– A coke-fueled CGI bear ripping young people to shreds. Such artistic courage!

Roseanne Barr Accuses Hollywood of Double Standard: “I'm the Only Person Who Lost Everything”
–– Including marbles.

Adidas could take €1.2bn revenue hit if it writes off Kanye West’s Yeezy stock
–– That’s lot of shekels.

Princess Diana’s Friend Says Her Marriage to Prince Charles Was “Essentially Arranged”
–– Or ‘deranged?’

Woman who ‘took Prince Harry’s virginity’ says he could have warned her before publishing Spare
–– Cherry picky.

Did Harry and Meghan blow up their brand? The prince's popularity is at a record low after the release of 'Spare' — but their media empire is just getting going
–– Split on Spare?

Prince Harry Was Reportedly 'All-In' to Host 'Saturday Night Live' Until Talks Mysteriously Stopped
–– Up to ginger short hairs.

King Charles III Has ‘A Weakness’ for Prince Harry, Expert Claims: ‘He Doesn’t Want to Lose Him as a Son’
–– Unless it was in middle of Sahara and was sure he couldn’t find way back.

Opinion / Severely understaffed hospitals shouldn’t be buying Super Bowl ads
–– For euthanasia!

AMC Theatres introducing new ticket pricing based on seat location
–– Losers in cheap seats pay double for popcorn.

Opinion Why I’m not worried about my students using ChatGPT
–– I’m lazy as they are.

Opinion How society failed the 6-year-old accused of shooting his teacher
–– Yeah, we feel sooo guilty.

Aramark apologizes for 'unintentional insensitivity' after serving students chicken and watermelon on the first day of Black History Month
–– Would be OK on second day?

Delta passenger says flight attendant told his wife, 'Don't look at me with that stupid face'
–– ‘Your husband’s face is plenty dumb.’

The Mean Life of a ‘Midsize’ Model
–– Like Honda Accord?

Opinion As basic health care grows unaffordable, the rich seek eternal youth
–– We're starting to get impression Life isn't Fair.

Sleep starts: Why your body ‘hiccups’ as you fall asleep
–– It can only fart so much.

Swinging holidays are on the up. Here’s why
–– Those travel packages bursting.

Witness influencer is being dubbed a hero for calling out women who call out men in the gym — but some worry he's only fueling misogyny online
–– We’re fascinated by expert opinion of ‘Joey Swoll.’

Indiana man dies after falling from Puerto Rico cliff while filming a TikTok video
–– You’re just daring us to be mean.

A Man Who Shot At A Group Of Children Who Threw Snowballs At His Car Will Spend 16 Years In Prison
–– Where he will get shot after cellmate takes snowball.

Chasing Horse charged with federal crimes in sex abuse probe
–– Name clarified to Chasing Filly.

I worked as a paralegal by day and had a secret side hustle as a stripper by night. I felt like Clark Kent living a double life.
–– Not clerk c**t?

Texas man jailed in Dallas monkey case says he’d do it again
–– Monkey see, monkey douche.

Judge orders woman to put down American Bully dog over cop bum bite
–– So she calls canine 'Yank son of a bitch.'

A mom took her dog for a walk in northern England last week. Her partner says she ‘vanished into thin air’
–– Did dog fetch magic wand?

One-Eared Pit Bull Removes Ear from His 'Favorite' Toy and Makes 'Best Friend Just Like Him'
–– Toy poodle!

Tears as terminally ill golden retriever fulfils his dream bucket list
–– Do they fil eyes?

Neanderthals had a taste for a seafood delicacy that’s still popular today
–– Red Lobster Crabfest!

The Biggest Penguin That Ever Existed Was a ‘Monster Bird’
–– And could never find tux that fit.

Chinese fossils force major rethink of ‘Great Dying’ rebound
–– Provide impetus for 'Meh Living' theory.

As Bird Flu Spreads to Mammals, Health Officials Urge Caution
–– Minks have been warned.

A ‘Distinctly Human’ Trait That Might Actually Be Universal
–– Disgust amongst yourselves.

Do birds pee?
–– No, that's pigeon spunk in your hair.

Pat the pocket mouse officially becomes world’s oldest
–– Patted in pocket, squashed.

Mount Washington wind chill: New Hampshire summit fell to minus 108 F, likely lowest recorded
–– Ah, wind chill, weatherperson's handicap.

Greta Thunberg: ‘The World Is Getting More Grim by the Day’
–– Greta, get help.

'Outrageous': Big oil made almost $200 billion in 2022 as world faced energy crisis. Here's the breakdown.
–– Greed.

After surviving Syrian war, earthquake kills most of a father's family
–– Hit rocked bottom.

Tamer Hassan says his family in Turkey are safe after earthquakes
–– Well, that's relief to some 20,000+ other grieving relatives.

Thousands want to adopt Syria’s ‘miracle baby’ born under earthquake rubble
–– Paging King Solomon.

Since COVID, more young people are dying of heart attacks. Here's what we know
–– You just told us.

Pakistan bids farewell to ex-leader Musharraf and his complicated legacy
–– Pakked off.

Carlos Saura, Celebrated Spanish Auteur, Dies at 91
–– Saura loser.

Burt Bacharach, Composer Who Added a High Gloss to the ’60s, Dies at 94
–– Raindrops keep falling on his headstone.