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Draggin' Balls Z
Week of 12/23/22

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Spoof of the film Mr. Smith Goes to Washington retitled Mr. Z Goes to Washington with Ukrainian President Zelensky in the Jimmy Stewart role shuffling papers on the Senate Chamber floor as Joe Biden looks on.The Power of Volodymyr Zelensky’s Charm Offensive
–– Biden delivered his via drone.

Putin refers to Ukraine 'war', says he wants to end it
–– We refer to him as 'hypocrite.'

Zelensky Recalled Us to Ourselves
–– Frum, we’d liked to forget you.

Ukraine war: Zelensky's visit shows neither Ukraine nor US want peace, Russia says
–– Putin’s trip to Belarus was to buy peace wreaths?

The Olive Green Sweatshirt Goes to Congress
–– Eats at Olive Garden, asks to meet Olive Oyl.

Four things Zelensky didn’t do in Washington
–– 3. Sign Lauren Boebert's autograph book.

Twitter deletes Donald Trump Jr. tweet mocking Zelenskyy with fake naked Hunter Biden image
–– Replaces with tweet mocking Trump Sr. for criminal referrals with actual naked Eric Trump image.

Jan. 6 committee refers Trump to Justice Department for prosecution
–– Refers to him as traitor.

Fallout continues from Jan. 6 committee final report that blames Trump for deadly riot
–– Fallout bouy.

Jan. 6 committee says it has no evidence Trump 'expressed any remorse' when he was informed about Ashli Babbitt's shooting during the Capitol riot
–– Only asked to see video in slo-mo on loop.

Cassidy Hutchinson says she initially lied to the January 6 committee about a claim that Trump grabbed the steering wheel of his SUV and lunged at a Secret Service agent
–– Wants to make u-turn?

Pelosi refers to Trump in last press conference as speaker: ‘What’s-his-name’
–– And 'thingamadon.'

Congress was once so closely divided that Republicans lost power after the election when too many congressmen died
–– Oh, if only too many congresspeople died today.

The IRS went easy on Trump's tax returns because he used accountants, congressional report says
–– And they had trained monkeys with abaci?

How Trump jettisoned restraints at Mar-a-Lago and prompted legal peril
–– No more hand cuffs in master bedroom?

Allen Weisselberg could get more time since the Trump Org guilty verdict required jurors to find he lied
–– He deserves life without parole for covering for Trump.

Gods Don’t Bleed. Trump Is Bleeding.
–– Bloody awful headline.

Hope Hicks was once one of Trump's closest confidantes. Less than 2 years later, she testified that her former boss told her that no one would care about his legacy if he lost the 2020 election.
–– First time he or she got it right.

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich says 'it's hard to imagine' Pence 'getting by both Trump and DeSantis' in a GOP presidential primary
–– And we know how imaginative Newt is.

For John Eastman and Clarence Thomas, an intellectual kinship stretching back decades
–– Just funny seeing those two names next to ‘intellectual.’

‘Openly Gay’ Rep.-Elect George Santos Didn’t Disclose Divorce With Woman
–– Trimmed beard?

Congressman-elect George Santos lied about grandparents fleeing anti-Jewish persecution during WWII
–– More of his camp humor.

George Santos breaks silence as New York AG probes resume scandal
–– Even sigh a lie.

George Santos may be Congress’ Talented Mr. Ripley. Some of his voters just don’t care.
–– And so many are Patricia Highsmith fans!

Republican Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene is officially divorced from her husband
–– aka The Luckiest Man in America.

Elon Musk Says He Will Resign as Twitter C.E.O. When He Finds Successor
–– Personally voted million times in online poll to get self fired.

Alex Jones said he was 'so stressed out' during his January 6 examination that he was unable to spell his own middle name correctly
–– Can barely handle 'Jones' when chilled out.

US military ‘downplayed’ the number of soldiers exposed to ‘forever chemicals’
–– Just said 'less than infinity.'

Afghan women protest Taliban's decision to suspend their right to higher education
–– Fail to school imams.

My Nude Death Scene Made Horror Movie History. That’s Not Why It Should Terrify You.
–– We'd be horrified if you actually remember Terrifier.

Salma Hayek Says Lap Dance Performance with Channing Tatum in Magic Mike 3 Was 'Physically Challenging'
–– And the tips 'stunk.'

Emma Thompson Says Getting Injured While Filming ‘Matilda the Musical‘ Was Reminder She’s “No Longer” Invulnerable
–– And maybe less delusional?

Box Office: ‘Avatar 2’ Opens to $134M, Behind Expectations But Still Sizable
–– Ahead of John Carter, at least.

Why Are the Teens in ‘Avatar: The Way of Water’ the Absolute Worst?
–– They’re in ‘Avatar: The Way of Water’.

James Cameron responds to Matt Damon 'beating himself up' over turning down $270 million 'Avatar' role: 'Get over it'
–– ‘And this awful sequel should make you feel better.’

Sam Worthington Lost Out on ‘Green Lantern’ Role After Questioning Logic of Film: ‘It Didn’t Make Much Sense
–– Unlike impeccable logic of Avatar.

My worst moment: A trainload of commuters witnessed Robert Patrick’s naked arrival in ‘Terminator 2′
–– Collecting tickets!

Netflix Cancels ‘Blockbuster,’ Much Like How Netflix Canceled Blockbuster
–– But forgot to rewind.

‘Wednesday’ Star Jenna Ortega Can't Help But Gush Over Making Horror Films
–– Blood!

Catherine Zeta-Jones Jokes Grumpy Daughter Carys Was Her Own Wednesday Addams in Throwback Post
–– Cousin Itt's her with middle finger.

Steven Spielberg says he 'truly' regrets the impact of 'Jaws' on the shark population
–– As profound as ET had on aliens.

Tory Lanez found guilty in 2020 shooting of Megan Thee Stallion
–– Lowest Lanez.

Debbie Gibson says she only wants the best for fellow former teen pop star Britney Spears: 'I hope she finds her stage again'
–– Pupa.

Justin Bieber the latest major act to sell music rights in reported $200 million deal
–– To stone-deaf corporation.

Ashley Graham Claps Back at Critic Saying She Takes "Fat Positivity Too Far"
–– Plumps depths.

Opinion: The backlash against ‘The Whale’ is telling us all something important
–– How about some backlash against this blather after reading: ‘I have not yet seen “The Whale,”…

Gwyneth Paltrow Loves Going Au Naturel! See the Actress’ Best Topless Moments, Nude Photos
–– Well, if you insist.

We Still Haven't Recovered From This Skintight Swarovski Crystal-Embellished Dress Kendall Jenner Wore
–– She beat you with it?

John Mayer reveals inspiration for ‘Your Body Is a Wonderland’
–– Not Alice?

Twister sequel titled Twisters is set for a summer 2024 release
–– Will focus more on game this time.

Samuel L. Jackson Swiftly Removed All X-Rated Videos From His Twitter Likes After Fans Warned Him The Public Could See
–– And masturbation didn't make them go blind.

Millie Bobby Brown Criticized by Intimacy Coordinator for 'Enola Holmes' Story
–– Millie the smoocher.

Yung Miami Tells G Herbo She Knew About Diddy's Surprise Baby on 'Caresha Please'
–– Diddy Daddy?

‘Willow’ Star Erin Kellyman on Queer Representation: “It Feels Like I’m Healing My Inner Child”
–– Who could really use some acting lessons.

CNN chief executive Chris Licht says the 'vitriol' aimed at him over his efforts to make the network less partisan has been 'stunning'
–– Feeling Licht?

Opinion: Yes, Harry and Meghan aired grievances. But there’s another takeaway from their docuseries
–– They also bitched and moaned.

Harry Takes Aim at William in New Episodes of Netflix Documentary
–– Like Cain mutiny.

Prince William Is Reportedly Too ‘Nervous’ to Talk to Prince Harry: ‘They’re Done'
–– But fine slagging him on Netflix for cash.

First images of British banknotes featuring King Charles III unveiled
–– May give Prince Andrew pause when he rolls up to snort coke off tart’s bum.

Black Americans' complex response to Harry and Meghan's Netflix series
–– Glad they asked them all.

Pictured: Emiliano Martinez shocks watching world with lewd gesture after Argentina's World Cup win
–– Gotta hand it to him.

Reaction to Lionel Messi lifting the World Cup trophy wearing a bisht shows cultural fault lines of Qatar 2022
–– Bisht bosh.

ESPN: NFL Informs Owners That Teams Spent $800M on Fired Coaches, Execs Over 5 Years
–– That is a lot of free vacation.

Will This Device Protect Athletes’ Brains, or Only Make Them Think It Does?
–– By allowing brains to be scrambled.

With 25 million players worldwide, padel is only tipped to get ‘bigger and bigger’ by tennis star Andy Murray
–– Peddle Padel?

Jacob deGrom takes out ad thanking Mets and their fans: 'It has been a true honor to wear a Mets uniform'
–– Which only took PR team 2.5 weeks to write.

O Come All Ye Faithful, Except When Christmas Falls on a Sunday
–– Yeah, imagine attending church on Sabbath?

Don’t send Grandma to the ICU this Christmas
–– Unless you need some quiet.

Meet the signing Santa who makes Christmas special for deaf children
–– Next to screaming elf who makes it uncomfortable for hearing ones.

What to say when someone lobs a horrible comment your way over holiday dinner, according to experts
–– Return back-handed compliment.

US faces ‘once in a generation’ freeze for Christmas as bomb cyclone hits
–– Like big sloppy metaphor.

What Is the Polar Vortex? And Other Cold-Weather Climate Questions
–– Same bullshit as ‘bomb cyclone’?

You're trapped in a blizzard. Do you know what to do next to survive?
–– Does it involve Frosted Sugar Cookie?

’Disgusting!’: 'New York Times' slammed after crossword puzzle resembles swastika
–– But doesn't have 'Sieg Heil' as answer.

Was your home once off-limits to non-Whites? These maps can tell you.
–– How to stoke meaningless resentment.

A Space Force director was investigated for wearing a chartreuse mankini around colleagues and keeping a case of sex toys in the office — and kept his job, report says
–– Tools he might need when encountering alien life force intent on probing him.

A chef changed the name of his restaurant from his nonbinary child's deadname to their current name — and business is booming
–– That’s nice, but this is one long advertisement.

Experience: my baby came out of my womb twice
–– Now celebrates Rebirthday.

Teen Discovers Anonymous Cyberbully Who Harassed Her Was Her Own Parent, Mother Charged
–– For whom the belle trolls.

North Shore chiropractor accused of indecently assaulting patient during appointment
–– Didn't feel right.

Weinstein’s Prosecutors Brought His Past Into the Courtroom. Good.
–– Hope it had bag over head.

Boston murder suspect found hanging by his underwear after attempting to escape police out 12th floor window
–– News in briefs.

California woman convicted of murdering stepfather after she found nude photos of herself on his computer
–– Deeply confusing online pornographers.

97-year-old former Nazi secretary sentenced for involvement in more than 10,000 murders
–– Filed charges.

Why Your Kid’s Bad Behavior May Be a Good Thing
–– Yours, not ours.

Opinion Yes, that is my baby crying on the plane, and I am so sorry
–– What do you think overhead bins are for?

Why Is Everyone Suddenly Obsessed With Buccal Fat?
–– Told to buccal down.

Are ‘Meat Sweats’ a Real Thing
–– Why do you think pigs wear headbands?

Welcome to the Menopause Gold Rush
–– Does it include ‘meat sweats?’

Students create the ‘perfect roast potato formula’
–– Opened lots of eyes.

Potato Latke Cocktail, Anyone?
–– No one.

10 US Restaurants Made This List of the World's 50 Best Pizzerias — Here's Where to Find Them
–– Rolling in dough.

No one wanted Princess Fiona. Then the balding, potbellied pitbull met a little girl.
–– And ate her.

How Genital Stingers Give Male Wasps Some Sexual Equality
–– But can cause confusion, accidents in bedroom.

A black bear trekked 1,000 miles over 6 months to get back to her favorite park after being relocated
–– Jellystone was only 10 miles away!

What Should You Do When the Bear Is Cinnamon?
–– Sprinkle on eggnog?

The remarkable afterlife of Alexander the Great
–– Alexander the Late.

7-foot-long arthropods commanded the sea 470 million years ago, 'exquisite' fossils show
–– Absolutely no one called them shrimps.

Rare Dinosaur Fossil Found With Perfectly Preserved Final Meal Inside
–– Brontoburger with fries.

Unearthed Near Stonehenge, This Toolkit Was Used for Goldwork 4,000 Years Ago
–– By first dentist doing fillings.

Leaked notes from Chinese health officials estimate 250 million Covid-19 infections in December: reports
–– New 8-Zero-Covid policy.

Terry Hall, lead vocalist of Ska band The Specials, has died
–– Hall passes.

Diane McBain, Actress in ‘Surfside 6’ and ‘Spinout,’ Dies at 81
–– McBain: of her existence.

Mike Hodges, Director of ‘Get Carter’ and ‘Flash Gordon,’ Dies at 90
–– Cut scene.