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Token of Our Ass Team
Week of 12/16/22

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Spoof advertisement for three new Donald J. Trump NFTs: Snake Oil Salesman, Televangelist and Nigerian Prince.Donald Trump NFT Collection Sells Out, Price Surges
–– Non-Feasible Trumps.

Xi Jinping’s Covid Crisis Is Really an Opportunity
–– To prove tyrant he is.

Trump Claims 'America Needs A Superhero,' Promises 'Major Announcement' On Thursday
–– In Moron Cinematic Universe.

Trump’s Badly Photoshopped NFTs Appear to Use Photos From Small Clothing Brands
–– Were done by little Tristan Milos Trump.

Even QAnon Thinks Trump’s NFT Cards Are Lame
–– QAnon thinks?

House GOP divided over whether McCarthy should give in on ‘motion to vacate’
–– In bathroom stall.

McCarthy says hardliners ‘have not moved’ in opposition to speaker’s bid and could put GOP agenda ‘in jeopardy’
–– Can they totally kill it? Can they? Can they?

Jan. 6 ‘Poster Boy’ Sentenced to 5 Years for Role in Riot
–– Nickel odium.

Marjorie Taylor Greene says that if she planned Jan. 6 the rioters 'would've been armed' and would have won
–– Sounds perfectly treasonable.

Marjorie Taylor Greene says a group of Republicans called 'the 5 families' is meeting every week in Kevin McCarthy's office, in an apparent mob reference
–– Omerta Inc.

Congress has so much to do before Christmas
–– So much coal, so many stockings of poor.

Sanders chalks up Sinema’s decision to become independent to ‘political aspirations’
–– Bernie sharp as ever.

Boehner gets emotional in Pelosi tribute: ‘My girls told me, tell the Speaker how much we admire her’
–– Someone drops hat, he bawls.

Liberal Jewish groups push back on McCarthy plan to remove Omar from committee
–– Just to piss off Conservative Jews.

Feinstein ‘absolutely’ intends to finish Senate term
–– Will ‘try’ to finish next sentence.

Kari Lake Files Lawsuit to Be Declared Winner in Arizona
–– And bigger Lake than Powell.

Arizona's Border Strike Force isn't what Gov. Doug Ducey claimed, data shows
–– Douche doozy.

Trump Hoarded Most Of The $147 Million In Small-Donor Money He Raised For Himself
–– Had converted to gold coins, wallows in like Scrooge McDuck.

Inside Mar-a-Lago, Where Thousands Partied Near Secret Files
–– Where Don Jr. snorted coke with rolled-up Top Secret Security Analysis.

Thousands of Documents Relating to John F. Kennedy’s Assassination Are Released
–– To Texas School Book Depository!

Brittney Griner immediately shook hands with members of the crew returning her to the US, hostage affairs official says
–– Well, then, we have no further questions.

What Viktor Bout reportedly said to Brittney Griner the moment they were exchanged in a prisoner swap
–– ‘How is air up there?’

Donald Trump Says He Turned Down Russian Swap Deal for Paul Whelan
–– Whelan ’n’ dealin’.

Russian linked to Wagner badly hurt in assassination attempt in Central African Republic
–– Was always whistling Flight of the Valkyries.

Are We in the West Weaker Than Ukrainians?
–– Yo, Volodomyr, wanna arm wrestle?

Florida Sen. Rick Scott says defeated Georgia Republican Senate candidate Herschel Walker will 'continue to be a leader' in the GOP 'for years to come'
–– 'We bought him a plastic crown and scepter and rented him a 'Supreme HQ' office space in Macon.'

Congress Set to Replace Dred Scott Author’s Statue With Thurgood Marshall
–– Judge Dred.

Eric Trump Reveals His Early Morning Routine But People Aren't Buying It
–– Because it doesn't include rejected phone call to father.

U.S. attorney general moves to end sentencing disparities on crack, powder cocaine
–– Snow difference?

Biden’s Nuclear Waste Guru Out of a Job After Alleged Luggage Theft
–– Authorities opened case.

Opinion Don’t make the wrong mistakes on inflation
–– Stick with right ones?

South African President Ramaphosa will not be impeached over cash-in sofa scandal
–– Will keep cushy job.

‘White Lotus’ Didn’t Care About Toxic Masculinity After All
–– Bad ‘White Lotus’!

‘White Lotus’ Star Simona Tabasco Still Thinks Lucia Is in Love With Albie: She’s ‘Pure at Heart’
–– Tabasco source.

Aubrey Plaza says she had a 'terrifying' experience in Sicily while high on mushrooms with 'White Lotus' costar Meghann Fahy
–– Told, 'Hey, you two, get a 'shroom.'

Jennifer Coolidge Sets the Record Straight on Sleeping With "200 Men" After American Pie
–– Was lot no matter how you slice it.

Megan Fox Proves She’s The Queen Of ‘Barbiecore’ In A Teeny Tiny Pink Crop Top
–– She’s Barbie to core.

Spending a Month’s Salary to See Bad Bunny, Only to Be Turned Away
–– You deserve it.

Rita Wilson Found Her Voice (Literally) Through Songwriting
–– Are those confused parens or plain stupid parens?

Will Smith Says An ‘Emancipation’ Co-Star Spat On Him While Filming: ‘I Was Like Whoa’
–– 'I had to slap myself!'

Kanye West’s Love of Hitler Allegedly Goes Back 20 Years
–– Since he was Ye high.

Kanye West Called Rosa Parks a 'Plant'. At This Point, Why Are We Still Listening to Him?
–– Did he mean Rosa Bush?

Adam Sandler to receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor
–– And we said, 'never the Twain shall meet.'

Quentin Tarantino Confirms Adam Sandler Was ‘Inglourious Basterds’ Top Choice: ‘I Wrote the Bear Jew for Sandler’
–– More the Unbearable Jew.

New ‘Escape From New York’ Will Be a Continuation of John Carpenter Original, Not a Remake
–– Snake preview.

Emily Blunt says Tom Cruise told her to 'stop being such a p****' during filming: 'He just stared at me for a long time'
–– Can't spell out p****? How about w****? W***?

Disney Interestingly Submits 'Thor 4,' 'Doctor Strange 2,' and 'Black Panther 2' for Best Picture Oscar
–– Is adverb synonym for ‘absurdly’?

I Tested Disney Plus With Ads and There's One Big Catch
–– Not f**ckin’ ads?

Avatar 2 is finally here – and it’s like being waterboarded with turquoise cement
–– In blue funk.

Avatar: The Way of Water Felt Like a Three-Hour Disney Ride
–– Where you’re nauseous in first 15 minutes.

How ‘Avatar: The Way of Water’ Solved the Problem of Computer-Generated H2O
–– And failed AI-authored script.

‘KPOP’ Composer Helen Park, Star John Yi on Musical’s Representational Impact and Broadway’s AAPI Inclusion
–– And ‘historic’ 2.5-week run?

‘We’d kiss each other on stage and simulate sex’: the pioneering gay powerpop of Handbag
–– Was only that kept them from being the Beatles.

Henry Cavill Reveals He’s Done as Superman After Being ‘Told to Announce His Return’: ‘My Turn to Wear the Cape Has Passed’
–– Planet crapped on.

‘60s heartthrob Richard Chamberlain reflects on why he kept his sexuality a secret: ‘I had to be very careful’
–– Hide hard throb.

What this African American Hasidic Jewish rapper knows about the power of laughter
–– Headline got smile out of us.

Scarlett Johansson says she was ‘groomed’ for ‘bombshell’ roles
–– We assumed she had hair, makeup.

Salma Hayek Channels Cinderella With Sheer Bedazzled Corset Gown for 'Puss in Boots' Premiere
–– She has body of teenager and should give it back.

Siouxsie Sioux to Perform Live for First Time in 10 Years at Latitude Festival
–– Expect sioux-sioux performance.

CNN Cancels 'Stanley Tucci: Searching for Italy' as Part of Originals Pullback
–– Cheeses off.

Thomas Pynchon, Famously Private, Sells His Archive
–– Didn’t auction?

Prince Harry suggests Buckingham Palace was 'happy to lie to protect' Prince William, but wouldn't 'tell the truth to protect' him and Meghan
–– How would admitting they were idiots have helped?

Prince William and Princess Kate Might Not Stay Long at Sandringham This Christmas, Experts Suggest
–– Sparks spirited debate of 'long.'

As Strikes Expand, Britain Faces a New ‘Winter of Discontent’
–– Labor's love lost.

Former MLB Player T.J. House Comes Out As Gay: 'I'm Finally Healing'
–– What did bat boy do to him?

Derek Jeter Learned to 'Bite Your Tongue' When It Came to Gossip About His Dating Life
–– ‘You’ being girlfriend.

Should period products be part of Title IX? The Education Department is weighing input.
–– For heavy flow.

Satanic Temple installs holiday display in Illinois capitol next to Nativity scene, menorah
–– Of Baby Jesus, Mary, Joseph, 3 wisemen, an ass and a lamb in a candelabra lit on fire.

Lidl recalls chocolate advent calendar due to potential salmonella contamination
–– Crampus behind Christmas Eve door.

'Bali tourism will not be affected by new criminal code,' Indonesian officials say
–– ‘Because our absolute divine 18th-century moral dictate has wiggle room for travelers' checks.’

Indonesia sex ban turning off tourists but the stakes are higher for locals
–– It is so weird how country’s Draconian law effects citizens more than people staying few days.

Bill Proposed to Curb 'Obscene' Content May Eradicate the Porn Industry
–– Young men back to beating off to National Geographic.

The small town of Bliss, Idaho, is 'disappearing' — a photographer has created a capsule of life there
–– Confirming truism about ignorance.

Pickleball players banned from NYC park after turf war with kids
–– The little gherkins!

We tried the Yeti Yonder, the brand’s lightest water bottle yet
–– How did you prepare it?

Miss Manners: How do I respond when strangers compliment my appearance?
–– Ask again in ten years.

A Harvard brain expert shares 6 things he never does in order to stay 'sharp, energized and healthy'
–– 3. Read listicles.

Over 80% of adults don't meet US strength guidelines. Don't forget these muscles
–– Jerk this muscle.

Lawmakers grapple with sheer size of FTX’s missing billions
–– Massive amount of… nothing.

Idaho murders: Knife possibly used in slayings known to dull quickly, likely also caused injury to attacker
–– Whet work.

Massachusetts fugitive wanted for murder captured at Guatemala shrimp farm
–– Authorities used brains and prawn.

Vegas woman charged with attempted murder, kidnapping after face-slashing incident at Burger King
–– Chopped chuck.

The Root Cause of Violent Crime Is Not What We Think It Is
–– But you’re not too bright.

Almost 8,000 US shootings attributed to unseasonable heat – study
–– Think we need study of studiers.

Astronauts explain why nobody has visited the moon in 50 years — and the reasons are depressing
–– Parking rates astronomical.

Here’s what we know, and what we don’t, about the damaged Soyuz spacecraft
–– We’ll need thimble, bath tub to contain.

'A historic blow to the cruel puppy mill industry': NY bans retail sale of dogs, cats, rabbits
–– Where will we get our ground hound?

Dog mauled to death at Buddy's Dog Den in NYC, lawsuit says
–– Will be renamed Bloody's Dog Death.

What Happened To Cesar Millan After His Show Dog Whisperer Ended?
–– Has been seen yelling at cats.

Large crocodile takes family’s pet Labrador in ‘One bite’
–– Can’t retrieve ‘er.

Scientists have overlooked the snake clitoris, until now
–– Were so into anal.

DC says a room spray connected to a deadly multistate outbreak last year also killed a pet raccoon
–– Spray was called Coon B Gon.

A massive aquarium holding 1,500 tropical fish bursts in Berlin
–– Local sea food restaurant runs special on fisch sticks.

Human Ancestors May Have Evolved to Walk Upright in Trees
–– But kept bumping heads on limbs above.

Carving of man holding his penis and surrounded by leopards is oldest known depiction of a narrative scene, archaeologists say
–– The howl and the pussycat.

Why Hadrian’s Wall is a Roman Penis Wonderland
–– Lotsa glory holes?

Can America’s low-cost mobile homes withstand the climate crisis?
–– If they add wings in tornado alley.

Could these dinosaurs whip their tails faster than the speed of sound?
–– Something tells us answer will be less than definitive.

Drivers blown away by simple de-icing windscreen hack that doesn’t cost a thing
–– High winds send ino ditch.

After fears of 'tripledemic,' RSV on the downturn as flu and COVID pick up: CDC
–– That’s great news… wait, what?

Stephen “tWitch” Boss, ‘Ellen DeGeneres Show’ and ‘SYTYCD’ Star, Dies at 40
–– 'tWitch' off.

Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss’ Final Days: Oak Tree Inn Employee Shares Details About His Death
–– Checked out.

Ken Balcomb, a champion of killer whales, dies at 82
–– Orca failure.

Georgia Holt, Singer and Mother of Cher, Dies at 96
–– Holt and desist.

Angelo Badalamenti, David Lynch’s Composer on ‘Blue Velvet,’ ‘Twin Peaks’ and More, Dies at 85
–– Decomposing.

June Blair, Actress on ‘The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet,’ Dies at 90
–– Admirable Nelson.