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Cracked House
Week of 12/02/22

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Spoof of the Mighty Thor with Minority Leader of the House of Representatives Hakeem Jefferies wielding his gavel as the Thunder God midair in front of the U.S. Capitol above the title The Mighty Bohr.In a Show of Unity, House Democrats Elect Hakeem Jeffries Minority Leader
–– Which is little on the nose.

Should Biden Run Again? Ask James K. Polk.
–– One term, dead 3 months later at 53. Nice.

At state dinner, Biden and Macron stand ‘shoulder to shoulder’
–– More ‘shoulder to xiphoid process’ for little guy.

Biden signs rail agreement into law, thwarting strike
–– Thwarts and all.

Some Rail Workers, Seeking Sick Days, Say Biden Betrayed Them
–– Trace the tracks of our tears.

The Supreme Court Stonewalls in Defense of Samuel Alito
–– Take leaks.

Republicans in Arizona, Pennsylvania counties decline to certify midterm election results
–– Fire these filthy f***ers is our amused reply.

Black Turnout in Midterms Was One of the Low Points for Democrats
–– Bloc buster.

New York City Will Hospitalize More Mentally Ill People Involuntarily
–– In City Hall.

Former Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway sits for 5-hour interview with January 6 committee
–– Doesn’t get job.

House committee receives Donald Trump’s federal tax returns from IRS
–– Order extra Icy Hot cream for expected head-shaking neck pain.

Trump claims Kanye West tricked him by bringing white supremacist Nick Fuentes to Mar-a-Lago dinner: report
–– Thought it would be nice quiet anti-semitic get-together…

Trump Is 'Descending Deeper Into Heart Of Darkness,' Former Mike Pence Aide Warns
–– The horror…the horror…

Rep. Lauren Boebert says 'blame game' needs to end after critics point to her anti-LGBTQ comments following Club Q shooting
–– 'No more slaps on the limp wrist!'

A Biden administration official is on leave after they were charged with stealing a Vera Bradley suitcase worth over $2,000 from a Minnesota airport
–– Should be sent packing.

Infowars Alex Jones files for bankruptcy, owing nearly $1.5B to Sandy Hook families
–– Real info won.

Putin turns down Biden talks and defends Russian attacks on Ukraine's energy grid
–– He's already in dark.

Russia and Ukraine are fighting the first full-scale drone war
–– Just listen to Putin speeches.

Putin fell down stairs, soiled himself as speculation over worsening health grows: report
–– Pootin it bluntly.

Edward Snowden swears allegiance to Russia and receives passport, lawyer says
–– Plans scenic Grand Tour of Armenia, Belarus, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Tajikistan.

Ukraine war shows Europe too reliant on U.S., Finland PM say
–– Between Jell-o shots on dance floor.

Ministers could have to sign contracts vowing to abide by sleaze rules
–– OnlyFans pages excluded.

Rare protests against China’s ‘zero covid’ policy erupt across country
–– Spread like…well, virus.

A Protest? A Vigil? In Beijing, Anxious Crowds Are Unsure How Far to Go.
–– Self-doubt or justified fear of forced labor?

ISIS acknowledges the death of its leader, announces his successor
–– They found on monster.com.

Gunmen Storm Mogadishu Hotel, Trapping Government Officials
–– Rwanda in.

Expert explains what new photos of Kim Jong Un's daughter may show
–– Much baby fat.

Why Retailers Are Trying Extra Hard to Woo Holiday Shoppers
–– Um, aren’t they people who buy products?

Tenoch Huerta Just Confirmed That His Bulge Wasn't Edited Out Of "Black Panther 2"
–– Namor panty lines.

Trevor Noah: ‘Why still act surprised when Trump does Trump stuff?’
–– Why still quote Trevor Noah’s unfunny quips?

Tyler Perry Sets 4-Movie Deal at Amazon
–– Promises each will be worse than last.

Harry Styles Is Reportedly Leaning on a Famous Old Flame to Comfort Him Amid Olivia Wilde Breakup
–– Who's still wild about Harry?

Will Smith Opens Up About the Slap on ‘The Daily Show’: “Hurt People Hurt People”
–– Bullshit artists bullshit.

Will Smith 'completely understands' if people don't want to watch his new movie following Oscars slap: 'I would absolutely respect that'
–– What was alternative? Shot upside their heads?

Will Smith Wells Up Recalling What His Nephew Asked Him After Oscars Slap
–– As though someone had clocked him one.

‘Good Morning America’ Hosts Amy Robach and T.J. Holmes Reportedly Won't Face Discipline for Alleged Affair
–– Will begin broadcast from heart-shaped bed.

George Takei Calls William Shatner a ‘Cantankerous Old Man,’ Says ‘None’ of the ’Star Trek‘ Cast Got Along With Him
–– Shatner: ‘So Sulu me.’

Ang Lee Taps Son Mason Lee To Play Martial Arts Legend Bruce Lee In Epic At Sony’s 3000 Pictures
–– Poor Lee?

Emma Corrin resuscitates the debate over gender-neutral awards categories
–– Mushmouth to mouth.

Zoe Saldaña Says She “Felt Artistically Stuck” While Working on Film Franchises for Past 10 Years
–– Wanted to get back to earlier, more meaningful work.

Chloë Grace Moretz: Older Men ‘Infantilized’ Me on Sets as a Teen and It Was ‘A Really Crazy Kind of a Mind F—’
–– Like more than parents getting you cast in The Amityville Horror at 8?

‘A band member got high and jumped on a forklift’: unsung heroes of the music industry share their secrets
–– And got higher.

Jay Leno Makes Stand-Up Return After Being Treated for Burn Injuries
–– Not so hot.

Inside James Cameron’s Billion-Dollar Bet on ‘Avatar’
–– It’s big, blue, brainless.

James Cameron Reveals He Has Plans for Avatar 6 and 7, and More Movie News
–– By then will be Quibi series.

Grimes finally reveals her Halloween costume in nude photo shoot
–– Grimes of omission.

Britney Spears Is A Confident Queen In A Strong Nude Bathtub IG Selfie
–– Nice to see she’s all mentally fit again.

At 57, Shania Twain Opens Up About Posing Nude for New Album: ‘I’m Fine Aging’
–– Even cowgirls get the boobs.

Amy Grant says bicycle accident gave her an opportunity to reflect on her life: 'That's a gift for anybody'
–– Who had tickets to cancelled concert.

Patrick Mahomes Says Daughter Sterling Wants to 'Play All Day' with Baby Brother Bronze
–– And imaginary friend Goldie.

Lucy Liu Is the Definition of Hypnotizing in This Form-Fitting Monochromatic Look for 'Elle Canada’
–– As in stupefying.

Kim Kardashian “Disgusted and Outraged” by Balenciaga Holiday Campaign
–– Pot calling kettle cheap.

Gladys Knight has always been a singer’s singer
–– Guess that’s problem: we’re not singers.

Why ‘Andor’ Is One of the Year’s Best Shows
–– You’re comparing to so much crap?

'Oswald the Lucky Rabbit' returns in his first Disney film in 94 years
–– To beat Mickey Mouse silly.

Fifteen years of total insanity’: how Robert Downey Jr made peace with his maverick father
–– Had Sr. moments.

"Baby Shark Live!" is on tour. We found tickets for $30.
–– Ear plugs included?

No more ‘ladies in waiting’ for Queen Consort Camilla
— Just flat-out slaves.

The Royal Staff's Alleged Nickname For Meghan Markle & Prince Harry is Just As Uncomfortable As You'd Expect
–– Surprisingly not ‘Dumb and Dumber’.

Prince and Princess of Wales to Visit Boston as the Royal Family Recasts Itself
–– As The Windsors.

Jenna Bush Hager admits she did not wear underwear during formal dinner with King Charles
–– While he admitted he and Camilla always wear latex thongs.

Qatar World Cup chief says between 400 and 500 migrant workers have died in projects connected to the tournament
–– But, gee, so worth it, amirite?

Latest on Giants target Odell Beckham Jr.: Attorney blames airplane incident on 'overzealous flight attendant'
–– Let sleeping dog lie.

Man who punched Asian woman more than 100 times sentenced to 17.5 years in prison
–– And diet of knuckle sandwiches.

Chicago woman with concealed-carry license foils attempted carjacking by shooting man in head
–– Brains of the operation.

The Proustian Ideal of a Ham Sandwich
–– Swine’s way.

I ate at one of the cheapest spots in Disney World, and was surprised how delicious the food was for the low price
–– A bowl marked Pluto.

I’m a dad raising my kids vegan. Disney made it really hard for them to eat vegan food.
–– Couldn’t share Iago’s feed?

Bob Chapek Leaves a Mixed Legacy at Disney Theme Parks
–– That ‘not enough vegan snack options’ failure looms large.

Poor sleep can make you prickly. Here’s what to do
–– File spines on back.

Elon Musk Hopes to Test a Brain Implant in Humans Next Year
–– Can he volunteer as first subject?

Maine Governor Janet Mills criticized Whole Foods after the grocery chain decided to stop selling the state's lobsters at its stores
–– Can’t snap some up?

How Would You Feel About a 100-Year-Old Doctor?
–– Very carefully.

What it’s like to live with brain fog
–– As if you have pea soup brain.

Slow cognitive decline with flavonols, study says
–– Who wants slow cognitive decline?

Can We Really Love Our Children Unconditionally?
–– Not your brats.

The Nation’s First Woman Senator Was a Virulent White Supremacist
–– Fit right in for one day term in 1922.

Woman, 72, allegedly turned off patient’s oxygen because its noise annoyed her
–– How did she like strangled gasps for air?

‘Drunk’ Florida CEO allegedly attacked girlfriend with her sex toy
–– Dick move.

Colorado Gov. Jared Polis says lawmakers need to 'walk and chew gum at the same time' to address mass shootings after Club Q shooting
–– And eschew gun.

Buffalo shooter pleads guilty to 15 charges, including domestic terror motivated by hate
–– What else motivates domestic terror? Oath Keepers are political philosophers?

Can police use robots to kill? San Francisco voted yes.
–– Hire Officer Murphy from Detroit.

Soledad O’Brien’s Painted Hardwood Floors Spark Debate on a New Trend
–– What's her party plank?

Now Arriving: Yayoi Kusama and Kiki Smith’s Grand Central Madison Mosaics
–– Remind us of old LIRR terminal: they stink.

Where Does All the Cardboard Come From? I Had to Know
–– Sounds like maybe your head.

‘Mind control’ by parasites influences wolf-pack dynamics in Yellowstone National Park
–– Along with tiny, tiny whips.

As belugas disappear, so does irreplaceable cultural knowledge
–– Of how to serve caviar.

Why this mammal eats its own brain — and why it could matter for you
–– If you're zombie with social anxiety.

Boy, 5, dies after eating common plant more deadly than king cobra
–– But, sadly, much easier to get in mouth.

Was the Pandemic Dog Boom a Myth?
–– Like 80% of NY Times reported ‘trends’?

Moment boy breaks down in tears as he's gifted disabled dog
–– He wanted one that works.

Reckless driver’ who crashed into two cars at Texas Walmart was actually dog
–– With head out window!

Volcano eruption threatens Hawaii with dangerous lava ‘hair’ blowing in wind
–– Mane o’ Loa.

Drivers are warned of lava inching toward a key highway as 2 volcanoes erupt in Hawaii
–– In slowest disaster film ever.

Are you not entertained? Sausage dog remains discovered beneath Rome’s Colosseum
–– Christians' wafers were fed to them.

In an ancient reindeer forest, one woman has found a way to slow climate change
–– Even Rudolph finds ‘boring.’

Scientists Revive 48,500-Year-Old Virus, Setting World Record
–– By popular demand.

Latest COVID vaccine will help people 'move on' from the pandemic, White House's Jha says
–– Jha rule.

Covid deaths skew older, reviving questions about ‘acceptable loss’
–– One foot in the grave, one foot on the spike protein.

Less attractive, less picky: How mating is changing in a hotter world
–– When headlines are in rut.

Suspect arrested in killing of rapper Takeoff, say Houston police
–– Landed by police.

Crypto founder Tiantian Kullander unexpectedly dead at 30
–– Crypto night.

Freddie Roman, Catskills Comedy Scene Icon, Dies at 85
–– Fall of Roman.

Albert Pyun, Director of ‘Cyborg’ and ‘The Sword and the Sorcerer,’ Dies at 69
–– In Pyun box?

Irene Cara, ’80s pop star behind ‘Fame’ and ‘Flashdance’ theme songs, dies at 63
–– Not quite.

Aline Kominsky-Crumb, who transformed comics first as a muse and then as a feminist artist, dies at 74
–– R.IP Crumb.

Christine McVie, Fleetwood Mac singer-songwriter, dies at 79
–– Bag Mac.

Jiang Zemin, Leader Who Guided China Into Global Market, Dies at 96
–– Jiang loose.