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Tweet From the Chaffed
Week of 10/28/22

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Under the title Musket Fire, Elon Musk holds a smoking musket and looks up at a flying Twitter bird logo as three other bloodstained ones lay dead on the ground below.Musk Said to Begin Firing Twitter’s Top Executives
–– Tweet smell of success.

Rishi Sunak Set to Become U.K. Prime Minister
–– Poison Sunak.

Trump says he’s ‘very happy’ about Musk’s Twitter takeover.
–– Sure sign it's disaster.

Shonda Rhimes Says She's Leaving Twitter After Elon Musk Takeover
–– So news not all bad.

Biden faces years of acrimony if Democrats get a midterm election drubbing
–– He’s 80 –– BFD.

Fetterman campaign says it raised $1 million in 3 hours after rough Pennsylvania Senate debate with Oz
–– For medical care?

Barack Obama Mercilessly Mocks Herschel Walker With A 'Thought Experiment'
–– Only way Obama could cost Walker votes in Georgia is to support him.

Intruder Assaults Nancy Pelosi’s Husband in Their San Francisco Home
–– Hammer head stark.

Suspect who shouted ‘Where is Nancy?’ in Pelosi attack identified
–– Will swear in court he meant comics' character.

Paul Pelosi’s Suspected Assailant Has Ties to QAnon
–– If you can be 'tied' to something so unmoored.

Alleged assailant filled blog with delusional thoughts in days before Pelosi attack
–– Isn’t that what blogs are for?

Put 'Mandarin Mussolini' Trump Behind Bars With Tax Charges, Says Michael Cohen
–– Seriously challenging old boss in weird nicknames contest.

A prospective juror excused from Trump Organization tax evasion trial said 'there is no chance in hell' she could have been impartial
–– Where do you find dozen New Yorkers who don’t know they’re guilty as Hell?

Donald Trump’s Tax Returns, the Ones He Really Doesn’t Want Anyone to See, Are Headed to Congress
–– Ones in crayon he did himself.

Clarence Thomas freezes order for Lindsey Graham to testify before Georgia grand jury investigating 2020 election
–– Wife Ginni initialed writ.

Oath Keepers leader Stewart Rhodes tests positive for Covid-19, delaying trial at least a day
–– Showing how low virus will go.

Shalanda Young has quietly become central to Joe Biden’s presidency. Her most important work may be yet to come.
–– Work we might actually hear about?

Rand Paul calls for disqualification of a Democratic Senate candidate over past jokes about the Kentucky Republican's broken rib from a violent neighbor
–– Can’t take little ribbing?

Texas Goes Permitless on Guns, and Police Face an Armed Public
–– Even when running other way like in Uvalde?

Rishi Sunak: The super-rich former banker who will be the first person of color to lead Britain
–– Fine if he’s not too green.

Liz Truss congratulates Rishi Sunak on replacing her, seven weeks after she beat him
–– As result of losing bar bet.

Amanpour asks Russian ambassador if nukes are on the table. Hear his response
–– ‘Oh, no. Those are being, how you say, salt and pepper shakers.’

Norwegian police arrest ‘Brazilian researcher’ on suspicion of spying for Russia
–– Was found nosing around bikini lines of female Ukrainian emigres.

The U.S. releases the oldest prisoner in Guantánamo Bay
–– Pops Jihadi who taught younger inmates how to make IEDs from non-filter Camels.

Ten killed, more than 20 wounded in explosion in Baghdad
-– Was it Throwback Thursday?

EU formally adopts law requiring Apple to support USB-C chargers
–– Plug-ugly for Apple.

Apple Says iPhones Will Finally Get USB-C Ports
–– Not exactly Lightning fast decision.

Why USB-C Is the Meryl Streep of Cables
–– Utterly overrated?

Ken Auletta: 'The worst human being I've ever profiled was Roy Cohn'
–– He never ‘profiled’ Trump?

Alito Assured Ted Kennedy in 2005 of Respect for Roe v. Wade, Diary Says
–– Well, that’s a relief.

Marco Rubio Canvasser, a Notorious White Supremacist, Was Beaten in Miami Area
–– How do you pronounce last name? Can-vass–eh?

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene loses up to $41,000 after buying stock in a company that's trying to merge with Trump's 'Truth Social' platform
–– Like a rat trying to hump rotweiller.

In Detroit, Why There’s No Black Democrat on the Ballot for Congress
–– NY Times answering question no reader asked.

M.T.A. Will Reopen Some Subway Bathrooms for First Time Since Pandemic
–– Sphincters involuntarily tighten across city.

Kevin Nealon has a new comedic outlet: Painting celebrity caricatures
–– Which would be ‘pretty good’ if displayed on boardwalk.

Jared Leto’s First Brand Debuts Joshua Tree-Inspired Luxe Skincare and More
–– Leaves you looking like Morbius.

How Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen Were Able to Finalize Their Divorce Agreement So Quickly
–– Quarterback sneak.

Jane’s Addiction Cancel String of Shows With Smashing Pumpkins Due to Perry Farrell Injury
–– Beware painkillers or end up like Jane.

Comedian Chris Redd Assaulted Outside New York Comedy Venue
–– Redd alert.

30 years after her controversial ‘Sex’ book, Madonna says Cardi and Kim K can thank her
–– For destigmatizing sluttery.

Jordan Gray: Trans comedian strips naked on Channel 4 for Friday Night Live revival
–– Performs naughty bits.

Weinstein Witness Testifies That He Masturbated on Her: ‘I Was Just Really Thankful That I Wasn’t Raped’
–– Spills the seeds.

Sam Heughan: Going Full Frontal for ‘Outlander‘ Was ’Unnecessary‘ and Betrayed ’My Trust in the Creative Team’
–– Was outlanderish demand?

James Gunn Rejects Marvel-DC Rivalry Ahead of His DC Takeover: 'I Love Kevin Feige' and We Have the Same 'Common Goal'
–– ‘Crushing Archie Comics!’

Matthew Perry: How to tell which drugs I used during ‘Friends’
–– Stupid pills every episode.

Matthew Perry Takes Aim at Keanu Reeves: Why Is Heath Ledger Dead, but Reeves ‘Still Walks Among Us?’
–– On Speed when he wrote it?

'Mortified' Valerie Bertinelli reacts to Matthew Perry saying they made out next to passed-out Eddie Van Halen with Taylor Swift lyrics
–– Swift lyrics causing blackout relatable.

‘70s star Toni Tennille reflects on her final moments with Daryl Dragon, coping with fame: ‘It was difficult’
–– ‘Dude, it was heavy, like chasing the Dragon.’

Melissa Villaseñor Says Decision to Leave 'SNL' Was “About My Mental Health
–– Hers and audience’s.

Five years ago, a circus singer called to say James Brown was murdered
–– Or was it just some clown?

“My God, This Could Run for 100 Years”: ‘The Resident’ Exec Producers Reflect on Hitting 100 Episodes
–– While taking huge hit of Ayahuasca.

‘I can say anti-Semitic things, and Adidas can’t drop me. Now what?’ As Kanye West taunts Adidas, calls grow for German sportswear giant to cut ties
–– We have sneakering suspicion…

Adidas terminates Ye partnership, Gap removes Yeezy items over rapper’s antisemitic remarks
–– West: ‘Like I was saying, I can say this stuff and TJ Maxx can’t… what’s that, an hour ago?’

Kanye West Wax Figure Removed From Madame Tussauds London After Antisemitic Comments
–– Will be melted down to make shabbas candles.

Kanye West: I've ‘Been Beat to a Pulp’ After Losing Several Brand Deals
–– 'Oh yeah, and I wanna pulp Jews.'

Donald Trump. Who Reportedly Praised Hitler in Provate, Gives Antosemites the Greenlight to Go After Jews
–– Kanye believe it?

Kourtney Kardashian says she ‘blacked out’ during Vegas wedding to Travis Barker
–– To ‘get on same page’ as groom.

What’s Wrong With Viserys? ‘House of the Dragon’ Prosthetic Designer Explains His Flesh-Eating Disease and Making the Clickers in ‘The Last of Us’
–– Took swim near Ft. Myers.

With no Black players in World Series, Astros manager Dusty Baker is 'ashamed of the game'
–– How do white coaches feel during NBA finals?

Kyrie Irving Responds to ‘Antisemitic’ Label After Brooklyn Nets Owner Joe Tsai Expresses Disappointment
–– No Tsai of relief.

Dustin Johnson is set to cash ANOTHER seven-figure check with LIV Golf
–– Signed in journalist’s blood.

When We Were Young Festival Cancels Opening Day Due to High Wind Concerns
–– Ticket holders told to ‘go fly a kite.’

Pickleball Is Expanding. Tennis Is Mad.
–– Read sport’s complaints.

Bed Bath and Beyond names a new CEO and the stock drops like a rock
–– Onto big, fluffy throw pillow.

This woman bakes recipes she finds on gravestone epitaphs: ‘They’re to die for’
–– Wormmeal cookies, shroud cake, pumpkin bier bread, embalm surprise.

Chipotle is testing a robotic tortilla chip maker. See it in action
–– And no, that’s not hydraulic fluid shooting out of his, um, verga –– it’s salsa.

A TikTok trend about mouth taping while you sleep can be dangerous
–– How about taping fingers when near phone?

Math Scores Fell in Nearly Every State, and Reading Dipped on National Exam
–– More good news for GOP.

Bring Back Selective Admissions? Some N.Y.C. Middle Schools Say No.
–– Believe, with extra effort, they can zero out above scores.

Opinion Plummeting U.S. test scores aren’t a red state vs. blue state thing
–– Enough dummies to go around.

Wait, why are there so few dead bugs on my windshield these days?
–– Wait, where’s my windshield?

Ford takes $2.7 billion hit as it drops efforts to develop full self-driving cars
–– Better than potential multi-billion $ lawsuits from pedestrians that get hit.

Man recently executed for killing his wife confessed to killing his sister-in-law as well
–– State of Mississippi investigating avenues for reanimation so they can execute him again.

Rifle used in the St. Louis school shooting had been taken from the gunman about a week before the attack, police say
–– Call in Miss Marple.

Attorney who fought Florida helmet laws died in motorcycle crash while not wearing one
–– That’s using your head.

A Mobster Dodged Hit After Hit. His Son Finally Got Him.
–– Papa cap.

Help! The Hotel I Booked Online Became a Homeless Shelter and No One Told Me.
–– But now you can tip room service with cigarette butts.

New treatment for nightmares holds promise, study finds
–– Frying pan to head offers relief.

You’re Never Too Old for a Miniskirt
–– Especially if eyesight’s too bad to see self in mirror.

Her Brother Most Likely Died From Autoerotic Asphyxiation. Do I Tell Her?
–– Without choking up.

Should I Tell a Young Relative That Her Grandmother Tried to Swindle Me?
–– Or that she might be princess from Nigeria?

‘Hungover in a mattress shop, I realised he was unlike any man I’d ever met’
–– “I mean it was his manhood hanging over the edge nearly touching the floor.”

eBay is removing Jeffrey Dahmer Halloween costumes
–– Did they try slashing prices?

How Do You Recycle All Those Halloween Candy Wrappers? Mars Is Offering a Solution
–– Yeah, but you have to get to planet to take advantage.

Vets warn dressing pets up in Halloween costumes can spark 'anxiety'
–– 'That's what happened in Nam when we tried dressing up wild dogs to decoy Charlie.'

5 tourists trapped about 200 feet underground at Arizona’s Grand Canyon Caverns
–– In a motel! Not exactly The Rescue.

A Vermont Town’s Water Official Resigns Amid Fluoridation Confusion
–– Should never have hired Jack D. Ripper.

Colorado Train Passenger Looks Out Window And Discovers Missing Hiker Who Broke Leg
–– On train’s wing!

Ghostly figures emerge from Pillars of Creation in new Webb telescope image
–– Claims journalist with deadline days before Halloween.

Remnant of Ancient Nineveh’s Pomp Uncovered in Iraq
–– And it still draws water!

Brain scans can now reveal what your dog is staring at. It's not always you
–– Unless you're wearing Gaga's meat dress.

Unraveling the mystery of eel sex
–– That’s a moray!

NASA caught the sun smiling down on us, but the grin could signal a solar storm
–– Does NPR have 10-year-olds writing headlines?

Climate activists throw mashed potatoes on a Monet painting to protest fossil fuel extraction
–– Symbolic of their brains.

Fossil fuel protesters cover King Charles III waxwork with chocolate cake at Madame Tussauds
–– Any whipped Queen?

Honeybee Swarms Can Produce as Much Electric Charge as a Storm Cloud
–– If we could only put USB-C slots in their abdomens…

How did Hurricane Ian affect the 'Seashell Capital'? Experts worry about Florida wildlife
–– And gaudy keepsakes.

Receding waters along Mississippi River reveal old casino riverboat
–– Any card sharks?

COVID-19 Origins: Investigating a “Complex and Grave Situation” Inside a Wuhan Lab
–– Emphasis, ultimately, on 'grave.'

Gain-Of-Function Experiments At Boston University Create A Deadly New Covid-19 Virus. Who Thought This Was A Good Idea?
–– Chinese scientists in Wuhan circa 2019?

Welsh task force to manage feral goats after flocking to region during COVID lockdown
–– Can they get N-95 masks on those beasts?

‘World’s dirtiest man’ dies at 94, months after his first wash
–– Cleaned out.

Authorities try to determine how Leslie Jones died as mourning fans flock to crash site
–– Not car crash?

Ash Carter, former defense secretary under Obama, dies at 68
–– Ash to ashes.

The Rev. Calvin O. Butts III, Dynamic Harlem Pastor, Dies at 73
–– Butts out.

Jerry Lee Lewis Is Alive, as Erroneous Death Report Is Retracted
–– It was all a misunderstanding, he was just resting, it …what’s that?!…

Jerry Lee Lewis, Rock Pioneer and ‘Great Balls of Fire’ Singer, Dies at 87
–– Killer delete.

Jerry Lee Lewis, outrageous rock ‘n’ roll star, dies at 87
–– Not a whole lotta shakin' goin' on.