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Surrender the Gabble
Week of 11/18/22

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Nancy Pelosi, wearing a face mask, stands in front of a peg rack that has a pair of dentures hanging from it beneath a sign that reads Please Leave Speakership Here, and waves goodbye as she steps downNancy Pelosi, First Female Speaker of the House, Takes a Victory Lap
–– Gingerly, she’s 82.

Saudi Arabia executions double from last year
–– Riyadh it and weep.

Pelosi ignores Trump in leadership farewell speech, mentioning Bush, Obama, Biden
–– Yes, Fox, she also forgets to thank COVID, praise Putin.

House goes red; Senate GOP sticks with Mitch McConnell as leader: recap
–– Who can argue with losing formula?

2022 Election: Hobbs wins Arizona governor’s race, flipping state for Dems
–– Kari Lake is missing.

Donald Trump throws drowning Kari Lake an anchor
–– If only it was attached to his ankle.

Opinion: Kari Lake told Arizona’s McCain Republicans to ‘get the hell out.’ They did
–– Lake affront property.

Liz Cheney, Other Republicans Brutally Troll Kari Lake After Arizona Loss
–– Kari off.

Kari Lake travels to Mar-a-Lago, fresh off projected loss in Arizona
–– Trump’s perfect No. 2.

N.Y. Democrats Blame Eric Adams for Election Losses. He Doesn’t Care.
–– Which is, unsurprisingly, his motto.

Why Republicans’ Wafer-Thin House Majority Is a Gift for Democrats
–– Can we have some Kool-Aid with that, NY Times?

Clinton organization funded energy project for Warnock's church after he repeatedly defended Hillary Clinton
–– From allegations, Fox, only you peddled as real?

White House announces $13 billion in funding to modernize power grids
–– Will add fins to transmission towers.

Hey Mr. President, you can’t rule this country with ‘a pen and a phone’
–– Yeah, you need pinheads and phonies in Congress.

Biden Administration Says Saudi Crown Prince Has Immunity in Khashoggi Trial
–– Gifts him with gold-plated bone saw.

Inflation may be easing but 'fee-flation' is still costing Americans billions every year — here's where 'junk fees' cost you the most and what President Biden plans to do about them
–– Mens' 'package tax' at orgies.

Biden granddaughter’s wedding offers youthful spin for president turning 80
–– Doctors advise against youthful spin on dance floor.

Mitch McConnell wins secret-ballot election to continue leading Senate Republicans
–– We’d want it secret if we voted for corpse.

Why Republican opposition to the Respect for Marriage Act matters
–– Depends if hysterical homophobia upsets you.

Tiffany Trump Marries Michael Boulos at Mar-a-Lago as Her Dad Donald Trump Prepares to Announce 2024 Run
–– Will marriage last until he loses nomination?

Mike Pence wants to have his cake and eat it too
–– As long as main ingredient’s crow.

GOP Arkansas governor says he’s ‘very seriously’ considering 2024 presidential bid
–– Everyone else 'laughing asses off' thinking about it.

Nancy Pelosi said the GOP response to the attack on her husband was 'disgraceful' and people have told her it influenced their vote
–– Hammers home point.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez calls for Ticketmaster-Live Nation 'monopoly' to be broken up in response to Taylor Swift pre-sale controversy
–– Finally, she has her crusade.

Garland names special counsel for Trump Mar-a-Lago, 2020 election probes
–– In view of fragrant disregard for law.

Trump Org. stopped illegal tax practices when Donald Trump took office, former CFO testifies
–– How thoughtful.

Investigators see ego, not money, as Trump’s motive on classified papers
–– So Trump can never be convicted of any crime because he’s Trump.

Trump Family Signs Deal With Saudi Real Estate Developer
–– For sand trap to bury bodies.

Donald Trump Jr., Gunning for World’s-Most-Despicable-POS Title, Continues to Attack John Fetterman for Having a Stroke
–– Already owns Junior title, can’t touch old man who was, after all, POSUS.

Opinion The GOP is dead. A new GOP must listen to working people.
–– 435 guesses which House member penned this.

U.S. intelligence report says key gulf ally meddled in American politics
–– Is 'UAE' longer than ‘key gulf ally’?

Opinion: Putin digs himself ever deeper into a quagmire
–– Which takes pretty special shovel.

Opinion Kherson’s fall is another triumph for Ukraine’s ‘thousand bee sting’ strategy
–– Russia Kherson its fate.

Traces of explosives found at Nord Stream pipelines, confirming 'gross sabotage,' Sweden says
–– Every Putin move in war has been gross.

North Korea Sees New Opportunities in ‘Neo-Cold War’
–– Like worm sees in new corpse.

Hundreds of sheep have been walking in a circle for 12 days straight in China
–– In reenactment of recent Party Congress.

Georgia candidate makes history as first known Muslim and Palestinian woman elected to state House
–– First known? Was she born in 7th century?

FTX Was an Empty Black Box All Along
–– That you business journos repeatedly jizzed in.

FTX bankruptcy is ‘somebody running a company that’s just dumb-as-f—ing greedy,’ says Mark Cuban
–– Close, but no Cuban cigar.

Playbill leaves Twitter, saying the site ‘expanded tolerance for hate’
–– Exeunt, pursued by a Musk.

Dave Chappelle Uses ‘SNL’ Monologue to Echo Kanye’s Antisemitism
–– Through canyons of empty head.

Jon Stewart Defends Dave Chappelle’s ‘SNL’ Monologue: ‘Censorship’ Doesn’t End Antisemitism
–– Nor does Chappelle.

Charlize Theron faces backlash after saying Afrikaans, her mother tongue, is dying out
–– 'Controversy' a Boer.

Bradley Cooper to Star in Steven Spielberg’s ‘Bullitt’ Movie
–– Titled Bite the Bullitt?

Anthony Hopkins on film stardom at 84: ‘He said, Oh my God. You’re really strange!’
–– Headlinus Non Sequituris of week.

Megan Fox Claps Back at Troll Who Mistook Her Tattoo for Unshaven Bikini Line: 'I'm Devastated
–– Thought they had her by short hairs.

Jennifer Aniston Strips Down To A Robe With Her Natural Curls On Display As Fans React: ‘Stunning’
–– Couldn’t she just close robe?

Cindy Crawford Poses In Bed Wearing Black Lingerie And Proves She’s Aging Like Fine Wine
–– That soured 20 years ago.

Quentin Tarantino Confirms His Next Movie Will Be His Last: 'It's Time to Wrap Up the Show'
–– Do we hear an ‘Amen’?

Nick Cannon Just Revealed How Much He Pays in Child Support to His 11 Kids—What He’s Worth
–– Put a lid on it. Yes, it.

Daniel Craig’s Belvedere Vodka Commercial Is a State-of-the-Art Display of a Movie Star Changing Up His Image
–– You’ll need a double straight up to believe that.

Ke Huy Quan Still Gets Christmas Gifts From Steven Spielberg, 38 Years After ‘Indiana Jones’ Debut: ‘He Has Not Forgotten Me’
–– Spielberg has male assistant?

Seth Rogen says he thought he was going to be ‘fired’ after making Steven Spielberg cry on Fabelmans set
–– Kneed director in balls.

Director Luca Guadagnino Says Documentary Is the “Highest and Noble Form of Cinema”
–– Especially when about $795 shoes.

Marvel Fans Showing Franchise Fatigue, While DC Fans More Likely to Prefer Single Superhero Over Universe, Says New Fandom Study
–– Why Marvel has 3 vs. DC's 1 in top ten BO?

Chris Hemsworth receives ‘strong indication’ of a genetic predisposition to Alzheimer’s disease while filming new show
–– Can’t remember name of show.

‘Home Town' Star Erin Napier Wore a Seriously Low-Cut Dress During CMA Awards
–– Front porch sags.

Dolly Parton receives $100 million Courage and Civility Award from Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez
–– Couple deserves medal for bravery, politeness.

Hold off on big purchases like TVs, Jeff Bezos warns
–– ‘Especially ones playing Nine to Five.’

Mackenzie Scott announces another $2 billion in donations
–– Tied with bow reading ‘FU Jeff.’

The Estée Lauder Cos. to Acquire Tom Ford
–– He comes with matching outfits but no batteries.

Tesla’s board chair says Musk needed money for space travel
–– Can he leave now?

Musk issues ultimatum to staff: Commit to ‘hardcore’ Twitter or take severance
–– And repost pics of him going at it.

Rod Stewart opens up about supporting his wife's struggle with menopause: 'Men have to understand'
–– Give men a pause.

Kevin Costner learns 'Yellowstone' election results, discusses his own political views: 'I'm disappointed'
–– In fictional results or own views?

Disney rights history’s greatest wrong, returns mermaid’s butt to Splash
–– Two swells in the sea.

Supermodel Paulina Porizkova Says Dating at 57 “Sucks”
–– Older husbands: ‘We wish.’

Cher gets a kiss during date night with new boyfriend, Alexander Edwards, who is 40 years her junior
–– Or is it CPR?

Zoë Kravitz Was Inspired to Remove Dozens of Tattoos After Turning 30: 'I Don't Need This on My Body'
–– Didn’t think she had enough skin for ‘dozens.’

Henry Winkler explains the trick that allowed him to transform into The Fonz
–– Fake bulge in jeans.

How Keke Palmer Invented “Keke Palmer”
–– And received patent from Rube Goldberg.

Morrissey upsets crowd after ending concert 30 minutes in
–– They were clamoring for 15.

Kate Middleton Stands with Queen Camilla at Solemn Remembrance Sunday Service
–– She’d tried to forget Horseface topped her.

An Unlikely Group Scrambles for World Cup Rooms: FIFA’s Elite
–– First scrimmage ever.

FIFA confirms no alcohol to be sold at Qatar World Cup stadiums
–– FIFA Board will have own Executive Suite crack den.

‘Profoundly unjust.’ FIFA boss launches explosive tirade against Western critics on eve of World Cup
–– Hopefully referring to repressive host.

What is Bud Zero, the only beer Budweiser can sell at the World Cup?
–– Alcohol-free, flavorless aerated yellow water aka Bud.

‘A gay icon no more’: will David Beckham’s Qatar role kill his brand?
–– Can men still jack off imagining he’s giving header?

‘Power Slap’: UFC president launches new open-handed striking venture
–– How about we applaud by slapping him silly?

Today’s U.F.C. Star Doesn’t Care if You Think His Fights Are Boring
–– No, we think they’re brutal, stupid and should be outlawed.

Elizabeth Holmes Sentenced to More Than 11 Years in Prison for Theranos Fraud
–– Staring Justice in face, making it uncomfortable.

Researchers played Lady Gaga for rats. They bopped their heads like humans.
–– Against side of cage squeaking for it to stop.

Jennifer Siebel Newsom, wife of California Gov. Gavin Newsom, testifies that Harvey Weinstein raped her
–– Not his first lady.

Harvey Weinstein trial: Judge drops 4 counts, Jennifer Newsom describes 'fish-like' genitals in testimony
–– The Shape of Wadder.

The Making of 'She Said': "We All Felt We Didn't Want to Give Harvey Any More Airtime"
–– ‘So we released 2-hour movie in theaters first.’

Dominican woman hides $450K of cocaine in wheelchair during NYC smuggling attempt, CBP says
–– Cushioned the blow?

Officials have identified the partial foot discovered in one of Yellowstone’s deepest hot springs
–– Toenails painted with Y, O, G, I.

Recently discovered Wind in the Willows illustration to be sold at auction
–– Toads adorable.

Do I Really Have to Obey Party Dress Codes?
–– No, you be a rebel, bravely resist pastels!

Reduce your risk of getting sick this Thanksgiving season
–– Don’t sit next to cousin Earl.

Subway is selling premade sandwiches in smart vending machines
–– Tastier treats at tampon dispenser.

California Pizza Kitchen. Flies. Rodent poop. Miami to Palm Beach restaurant filth
–– What else is on Extras menu?

Restaurant Review: Four Stars for Yoshino, Where the Omakase Stands Alone
–– And counts $646-a-head ransom.

Consuming two tablespoons of honey improves blood sugar and cholesterol levels, study finds
–– Study authored by one W.T. Pooh.

Is Rock Climbing the Future of Tourism in Malawi?
–– Yes, a thousand times Yes!

Golden retriever’s favorite word both terrifies and amuses internet
–– Rotomontade.

53 rescue dogs survived a plane crash. Now you can adopt them.
–– You will need very low fences to keep them from slipping under.

U.S. arrests Cambodian official headed to wildlife summit—for monkey smuggling
–– Macaque in pants tears up warrant.

What the Image of the Milky Way’s Black Hole Really Shows
–– Poor hygiene.

I found out my biological age—and was annoyed by the result
–– A missing lower limb where they checked rings.

Time Is Running Out for the Leap Second
–– Wait a darn zeptosecond

‘It’s killing us all slowly’: how the night shift is taking a toll on US workers
–– That’s called Life.

Christians Believe in Protecting The Earth, But Aren't Convinced That Humans Cause Climate Change
–– As usual leave heavy lifting to Big Guy.

The biggest wild card in the climate crisis
–– No Joker, sadly.

Flour thrown at Warhol car in Milan climate change protest
–– Doesn’t quite take the cake.

How Droughts in Mexico Could Shape the Future of the Beer Industry
–– Users expect cerveza interruptions?

Long-COVID clinics are wrestling with how to treat their patients
–– In Mexico they wear Lucha Libre masks.

How Some COVID-Cautious Experts Are Celebrating Thanksgiving
–– Basting birds with bivalent vax.

The oldest living person in the US just turned 115
–– Did Jell-o shots. With just Jell-o.

Iranian refugee who inspired Spielberg’s film ‘The Terminal’ dies inside Paris airport
–– On time for ETD.

American MMA fighter Anthony ‘Rumble’ Johnson dies at 38 from undisclosed illness
–– Rumble crumble.

Budd Friedman, Founder of the Improv, Dies at 90
–– Nipped in Budd.