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In Deep End Dense
Week of 12/09/22

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Spoof of the Film Independent Spirit Awards retitled the Sinema Independent Spirit Awards showing Arizona Senator Kyrsten Sinema holding her award which is a trophy depicting a donkey's head with a hatchet in it. Behind her the event's sponsors are Identified as Arizona Tea, the Republican National Committee, Emily's List and PetSmart.Sinema switches to independent, shaking up the Senate
–– Deals Democrats Donkey Punch.

Brittney Griner released in swap for arms dealer Viktor Bout
–– Given the Bout.

‘She answers to billionaires’: some Democrats not sorry to see Sinema leave
–– But would love her little black book.

Brittney Griner arrives at Army ‘reintegration’ center in San Antonio
–– To include busing home?

Russia wanted Viktor Bout back, badly. The question is: Why?
–– ‘Merchants of Death’ aren’t just hanging from trees (unfortunately.)

Trump’s Company Is Guilty of Tax Fraud, a Blow to the Firm and the Man
–– Oh, imagine his injured pride!

As same-sex marriage protections pass Congress, House GOP support decreases
–– Not feeling rainbow connection.

Biden to call for African Union to permanently join G-20
–– G-whiz!

Sen. John Kennedy Urges Georgia to Pick Herschel Walker Instead of 'High IQ' People
–– What level should morals hit?

Herschel Walker's Closing Message: 'I Don't Even Know What the Heck Is a Pronoun'
–– Even after elocution lesson from Yoda.

Walker’s loss in Ga. spurs new GOP hand-wringing, calls for new strategy
–– Different hand ringing from Dems.

Karl Rove fumes that Trump lost Georgia Senate race for the GOP: 'We got our clock cleaned’
–– Your dirty face needed it.

Pence Makes Absurd Claim: Trump Was ‘Genuinely Remorseful’ After Jan. 6
–– ‘But I don’t even know what the heck is a remorse.’

McCarthy: ‘Adam Schiff will no longer be on the Intel Committee when I become Speaker’
–– Intel will no longer be on House Chamber dais either.

Netanyahu says he hopes Trump sees his way to condemn antisemitism after dinner with Ye and Nick Fuentes: 'It's not merely unacceptable, it's just wrong"
–– Gives him Bibi-minus?

Republicans respond to Trump’s call to suspend Constitution
–– Over tank filled with piranha.

Psaki says Democrats and 'sane Republicans' should not underestimate Trump's 'evil charisma' to win the 2024 GOP nomination
–– Which is name of new aftershave he’ll be promoting.

Opinion: Trump’s call to terminate the Constitution should be the final straw for the GOP
–– They’ve had so many last straws Florida GOP could drink Kool-Aid in Arizona.

Kimberly Guilfoyle said she loves doing the laundry and making Donald Trump Jr. his coffee in the morning
–– He loves cocachino grande.

Chris Christie's niece bit and kicked deputies trying to escort her off a Spirit Airlines flight after she asked passengers who she thought were Latino if they were 'smuggling cocaine,' report says
–– 'Cause I could sure use some when this meth wears off!'

Nuclear energy official Sam Brinton — who was charged with stealing a Vera Bradley suitcase — has been accused of swiping luggage at an airport for a second time, report says
–– Wanted matching, not matchy, set.

If you have the ‘killer instinct needed to fight the real enemy,’ you could be New York City’s next ‘rat czar’
–– 'Real enemy' Splinter.

Santa Claus, the KKK, and other bizarre hypotheticals raised by Supreme Court in LGBTQ rights case
–– Raised by loving straight parents.

First Gen Z congressman-elect says he was denied DC apartment over bad credit
–– He's 25, has bad credit. And?

Michael Avenatti sentenced to 14 years in prison for stealing millions of dollars from clients
–– Basta fazool.

Ordinary Investors Who Jumped Into Crypto Are Saying: Now What?
–– ‘Where’s my slice of pie in the sky, darn it?’

Putin Signs Law Banning Expressions of L.G.B.T.Q. Identity in Public
–– Shirtless, atop horse, striking butchest pose.

North Korea Has Reportedly Executed 3 High Schoolers for Distributing K-Dramas
–– Do tell, Hypebae –– what else did your award-winning journalists glean from other reputable news sources?

Iran Has Abolished Morality Police, an Official Suggests, After Months of Protests
–– To be replaced by Sin Squad.

He Vowed to Transform Peru. Instead He’s Facing His Third Impeachment.
–– Trump looks on in envy.

Peru’s President Pedro Castillo says he will dissolve congress, hours before impeachment vote
–– Trump: ‘No f**k’in’ way!’

Peru Ousts President Pedro Castillo, Swears In New Leader as Protests Erupt
–– Trump: 'Witch hunt!'

Argentina’s Cristina Fernández de Kirchner sentenced to six years in prison for corruption
–– Trump: 'She's a nasty, nasty woman.'

Taliban carry out first public execution since returning to power in Afghanistan
–– Spokesman: ‘Despite some rust, we are happy to report, it was like riding bicycle.’

Elon Musk’s Neuralink shows brain implant prototype and robotic surgeon during recruiting event
–– But not surgeon's secret identity.

Megan Fox Channeled Pamela Anderson in a Pink Fuzzy Bucket Hat and an Underboob-Baring Crop Top
–– Already had dumb down flat.

Mel B says James Corden is the 'biggest d---head' in Hollywood she’s ever met: 'He hasn’t been very nice'
–– Mel blanks.

T.J. Holmes Said Amy Robach and Andrew Shue’s Marriage Was a ‘Love Story Like No Other’ on ‘GMA3’ 1 Year Before Scandal
–– 'I can't wait to destroy it!'

Sammy Hagar pulls out of Alice Cooper's Christmas Pudding 2022. Here's what we know
–– Wiped off 'chocolate', zipped up.

‘KPOP’ to Close in December Two Weeks After Opening on Broadway

‘Ain’t No Mo’ to Close on Broadway Less Than Three Weeks After Opening
–– True to title.

Stephen Lang Reveals How His Avatar Character Is Alive
–– But not why sequel exists.

'Avatar 4' Script Got Zero Studio Notes and Left Executives Saying 'Holy F—,' Says James Cameron
–– Was written entirely in Na’vi.

Harrison Ford loved reuniting with 'Temple of Doom' co-star Ke Huy Quan: 'He's all grown up!'
–– ‘I mean, he’s almost a Full Round!’

David Harbour says it's 'terrifying' how much people love his young 'Stranger Things' costars: 'They just want to eat them up'
–– ‘Y’know, go all Armie Hammer on ‘em.’

'SNL' may have a green new cast this year, but it's the hosts that are the big problem
–– Hosts write this shit?

Kenan Thompson, Bowen Yang and Mikey Day on ‘Saturday Night Live’ Cast Overhaul: “You Just Keep Going”
–– “Because you know you were never funny anyhow.”

Kim Kardashian spent 3 years creating Skims’ new bras — we put them to the test
–– Just slaving in the ol’ brassiere lab.

Rosie Perez embraces aging amid a career renaissance: 'Don’t count me down-and-out, honey'
–– How about just out?

Christina Ricci Is Ready to Pass the Torch to the Next Wednesday
–– Who can burn down house.

Christina Ricci Channeled Her Inner Morticia Addams in This Gothic & Sheer Look for Bust Magazine
–– Wednesday's hump day.

George Clooney, Gladys Knight shine at Kennedy Center Honors
–– Blame makeup artists.

Paul Pelosi appeared in public for the first time since his attack, wearing a hat indoors after sustaining a skull fracture
–– With black hat, single glove we thought they brought Michael Jackson back for Kennedy Honor.

Axl Rose of Guns N' Roses will stop throwing mic into crowd after fan was allegedly injured
–– Or will replace with boomerang mic.

The New York Times is bracing for a historic mass walkout as union negotiations go down to the wire
–– Grey Lady down.

Brian Stelter Says Demise of HLN Marks End of Companionship TV: ‘All the Warmth Is Gone’
–– From what was half-baked news coverage.

Sacha Baron Cohen Revives Borat to Slam Kanye West: ‘He’s Too Antisemitic,’ Even For Kazakhstan
–– He'd get with pogrom.

Elon Musk Says He Wanted To 'Punch' West After He Tweeted A Swastika
–– On shoulder in congratulatory way.

Milo Yiannopoulos has been fired from Kanye West's political team: report
–– aka his Goon Squad.

Kanye West falsely claimed Hitler invented the microphone. Most microphones in use today are thanks to James West, a Black inventor with over 250 patents to his name.
–– That’s nice, but doesn’t refute idiotic claim.

Kanye West’s Honorary Doctorate Degree Rescinded After Antisemitic Comments
–– He can keep embroidered white hood.

Cardi B Offers Her Hilarious Hot Takes on ‘The Crown’ Season 5: ‘Camilla Think She Slick’
–– Ah, yes, Dorothy Parker of her generation.

How Comedian Tom Papa Knows Cancel Culture Is ‘Very Real’
–– Papa smirch.

Celine Dion reveals Stiff Person Syndrome diagnosis — what are the symptoms?
–– We’re going with, um… stiffness?

Olivia Wilde Returns to Instagram With Bikini Photo After Harry Styles Split
–– With her split.

Olivia Wilde Wears Sheer, Nipple-Baring Gown to 2022 People's Choice Awards — and Takes Home a Trophy
–– Don’t suck on that, Harry Styles.

Trevor Noah Urges Viewers to Remember the “World is a Friendlier Place” Than It Seems in Emotional ‘Daily Show’ Farewell
–– Without his smirk.

Chelsea Handler, Leslie Jones and John Leguizamo among guest hosts to step in for Trevor Noah on ‘The Daily Show’
–– So as not to upset witless formula.

Patty Jenkins’ ‘Wonder Woman 3’ Treatment A No Go Under New Peter Safran-James Gunn DC Administration; Axing Comes A Day After Gal Gadot’s Hopeful Tweet For Sequel
–– Dead lasso.

Mick Fleetwood’s Iconic Wooden Balls From ‘Rumors’ Album Cover Sell for $128,000
–– Someone’s nuts.

Preparations Begin for King Charles III's Coronation as Crown is Removed from the Tower of London
–– Head attached?

Prince William Reportedly "Will No Longer Sit Back" as Prince Harry Makes Claims Against the Royal Family
–– Will be blustering in front seat of Royal carriage.

'It’s A Dirty Game' Prince Harry Says In A New Trailer For His Netflix Docuseries
–– ‘That she’s played with my head.’

Prince Harry said the royal family were 'surprised a ginger could land such a beautiful woman' after meeting Meghan Markle
–– Who was beauty after her?

Nike and Kyrie Irving Officially End Relationship
–– Didn't go for his idea of swooshstika logo.

Dementia risk may increase if you’re eating these foods, study says
–– Or do people who end up with dementia prefer junk food?

‘Goblin mode’ chosen as Oxford word of the year for 2022
–– Oxford, Mississippi crack den?

May ‘Bad Spaniels’ Mock Jack Daniel’s? The Supreme Court Will Decide.
–– Mixed mock tale.

My Mother Has Two Sons: Me and a Squirrel
–– Both nuts.

Do Humans Owe Animals Equal Rights? Martha Nussbaum Thinks So.
–– So does crazy person feeding squirrel in park.

Noodle, the TikTok-famous ‘bones or no bones’ pug, has died
–– Now 'just bones.'

Olive Garden fires manager for time-off rant: ‘If your dog died ... prove it’
–– 'And let us use in meat sauce.'

Astra Magazine Had Creative Freedom and a Budget. It Wasn’t Enough.
–– Not even pretentious title? Obscure essays? Chinese money?

My husband, partner, and I are polyamorous and live with our 2 kids. Holiday scheduling with all our families can be hectic, but we make it work.
–– Even with all those DPs on my Google Calendar!

Is It Better to Brush Your Teeth Before Breakfast or After
–– During?

High-tech toilet can detect deadly diseases just by listening to you go
–– What's it make of our retching?

Apple sued by two women alleging their exes used AirTags to stalk them
–– Along with Tinder for hooking them up with these a-holes.

Brown University bans caste discrimination throughout campus in a first for the Ivy League
–– Can't even play film The Untouchables.

Cult 'prophet' Samuel Bateman was 'disgusted' over his child bride's bedwetting, the FBI says
–– Just 'ick' Bateman.

Tampa Police Chief Mary O’Connor resigns after flashing badge and asking to be let go from a traffic stop
–– Offered self $20 bribe.

When My Father Died, I Discovered the Unmentionable Stage of Mourning: Relief
–– Imagine how he felt getting away from you.

Elementary School Principal Dead in Apparent Disneyland Suicide
–– Or did Evil Queen just tried to make it look that way.

‘Torso Killer’ Admits to ’68 Strangling and 4 More Cold-Case Murder
–– Refuses to explain why he didn’t use fatal bear hugs.

DNA analysis helps Philadelphia Police identify a child found dead inside a box 65 years ago
–– Makes you forget all those current unsolved homicides.

Harvey Weinstein’s Abnormal Testicles Are Key Focus of Final Arguments in Trial
–– Required reading for bulimics.

Viking Polaris passengers speak out after 'rogue wave' strikes Antarctic cruise ship, killing American woman
–– Being investigated as potential hate crime.

When coyotes attacked, a dog killed 8 of them, saving a flock of sheep
–– Georgians brag it's because they have open carry law.

White House-linked group backed by George Soros wages behind-the-scenes war on gasoline
–– Hold the phone, Fox! There are lobbyists in DC who are trying to forestall extinction of humanity?!

Parts of the West have double the normal snowpack. Experts say it’s too early to get excited
–– Gee, and we’d just dropped trou, were reaching for our ‘thermometers.’

Florida lawmaker charged with Covid relief fraud
–– Refused to wear mask during robbery.

Frank Vallelonga Jr., ‘Green Book’ Actor and Son of Tony Lip, Found Dead in the Bronx
–– Kissed off.

Mills Lane, legendary boxing referee, dead at 85
–– Down for count.

Bob McGrath, ‘Sesame Street’ Star, Dies at 90
–– Brought to you by letters R,I and P.

Kirstie Alley, Emmy-Winning ‘Cheers’ Actress, Dies at 71
–– Alley oops.

Kirstie Alley Was a Fat, Glamorous Actress. That Was Radical.
–– In Hollywood’s anorexic brain.