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Master of Bad Shit
Week of 10/07/22

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Photo-illustration of Saudi Prince Mohammed bin Salman holding a bone saw at an OPEC meeting standing behind a red barrel of Saudi Crude Oil lying on its side and saying, "It is easy to cut output. First, imagine barrel is journalist…"U.S. delivers angry rebuke of massive OPEC+ production cut — and it could backfire for Saudi Arabia
–– Like Hummer running out of gas.

America’s national debt has now surpassed $31 trillion
–– Owe, the humanity!

Why Saudi Arabia defied the US over OPEC oil supply cut
–– Rulers irredeemable scum? Just wild guess.

Fury at Saudi Arabia revives calls for US to throw the book at OPEC
–– Book being Oil!

Biden says he'll release 10 million more barrels from the dwindling 'oil piggy bank' after OPEC's production cuts — but this is the big risk with more withdrawals
–– Unless they find more oil deposits.

Biden to pardon all federal offenses of simple marijuana possession
–– Wants mandatory sentences when they're juggling joints, bongs, edibles.

Biden warns risk of 'nuclear Armageddon' is highest since Cuban missile crisis
–– Hopes high Americans won't notice.

Biden's nuclear warning not based on new intelligence but opens a window into real worries inside the White House
–– You mean NSA didn't just learn Russia has 5,997 warheads?

FBI sends Hunter Biden tax, gun evidence to U.S. Attorney
–– The hard-on is a lonely Hunter.

Yes, Biden Said ‘No One F*cks with a Biden’ on ‘Hot Mic’
–– Unless it’s loser son.

National Archives says it still doesn’t have all Trump White House records
–– Did they check bottom of Eric’s cage?

Court Screwup Reveals Mar-a-Lago Judge’s Latest Legal Absurdity in Trump Case
–– Another cannon misfire.

Trump escalates attacks on McConnell with ‘DEATH WISH’ post
–– Claims he's just citing favorite movie.

Trump calls Elaine Chao ‘Coco Chow’ in latest attack on Mitch McConnell
–– We’re sure this is racist, but damned if we can figure how.

Republican Senator on Trump’s Racist Rant: ‘I Hope No One Is Racist’
–– Florida’s Scott: ’And I hope my state never, ever gets hit by a hurricane again.’

Proud Boys member is first to plead guilty to seditious conspiracy
–– Will be forced to spell ‘seditious’ as part of sentence.

Trump defends ‘great woman’ Ginni Thomas after Jan. 6 testimony
–– ‘You know, for a dog.’

Ron Johnson again says January 6 was not an ‘armed insurrection,’ adds ‘protesters did teach us’ how to use flag poles as weapons
–– Why doesn’t he go sit on one.

Michael Fanone, a former DC police officer who was attacked at the Capitol riot, said he's 'broke' and that speaking out about January 6 'destroyed my career'
–– Fan o' none.

Marjorie Taylor Greene Is the ‘Tinfoil-Hat Brigade,’ Kevin McCarthy a ‘F—ing Weasel B—-,’ Former DC Cop Michael Fanone Says
–– Playing bad cop, badder cop.

House Democrats seek to censure Marjorie Taylor Greene over ‘Biden is Hitler’ comment
–– And make genius wear brush mustache for year.

Supreme Court allows defamation lawsuit against MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell to proceed
–– MyPillow case needs airing out.

Opinion The identity of ‘Perla’ is revealed, creating new woes for DeSantis
–– Perla before swine.

Florida Sen. Marco Rubio says he'll fight against a federal relief bill that would assist his state's recovery from Hurricane Ian if it has 'pork in it'
–– Like in his head?

Drag Queen Asks Why Marco Rubio Is Obsessed With Her
–– Lil Miss Hot Mess was his nickname in school, too.

Matt Gaetz votes against hurricane relief money in home state of Florida after Hurricane Ian devastation
–– What do you expect from man of conviction…oh, right they haven’t yet charged him.

Florida alligators and snakes are swarming around unlivable homes that have been ravaged by Hurricane Ian: fire official
–– Sacking official seems kinda rough.

Herschel Walker denies report he reimbursed girlfriend's abortion
–– Nicest he treated any of his exes.

Herschel Walker's Son Unleashes On Him After Abortion Report: 'I'm Done'
–– Harsh ol' Walker.

Herschel Walker allies want more ‘Trumpian response’ to abortion allegation
–– Poor guy is lying as fast as he can.

Michigan lawyer running for judge caught on camera allegedly belt-whipping girlfriend
–– Will campaign buckle?

Dr. Oz Follows Up Dog-Killing Report With Speech in Same Room as Hitler’s Car
–– The wizard of ooze.

Mandela Barnes has signaled support for removing police funding and abolishing ICE – despite ad claiming otherwise
–– Whiny Mandela.

As New Term Starts, Supreme Court Is Poised to Resume Rightward Push
–– Is ‘right’ synonym for ‘back’?

Putin’s Own Allies Turn On Him as Ukraine Unleashes Hell in Stolen Russian Tanks
–– Russian soldiers suffer turret's syndrome.

Putin's friends and enemies sent him piles of melons, a gift certificate for a tractor, and death wishes for his 70th birthday
–– Now he can dig own grave.

Petraeus predicts US would lead NATO response to ‘take out’ Russian forces if Putin uses nuclear weapon
–– To nice Ukrainian place… in Hell!

Half of mobilised men in Russian region sent home, commissar fired - governor
–– Unqualified to even serve as cannon fodder?

Ukraine police say bodies of more than 500 civilians found in Kharkiv
–– Russians renamed it Kharkass.

Shock In Russia Over The Suicide Of Rapper Walkie Who Refused To Go To War
–– He talkied talk, Walkied walk.

‘F— off,’ ambassador tells Elon Musk after unveiling Ukraine ‘peace’ plan
–– Added, ‘Kyiv us a break.’

Opinion: Putin’s dream is headed towards an inglorious end
–– That inglourious basterd.

Bolsonaro Outperforms Polls and Forces Runoff Against Lula in Brazil’s Presidential Election
–– Lula lemon.

Rachel Maddow’s successor, Alex Wagner, is failing to draw the big audience she commanded in prime time
–– Maddow lark lemon.

Ringo Starr postpones shows due to illness
–– Stark contrast.

Shakira Is Accused of Tax Evasion in Spain. Here’s What We Know.
–– Lips do lie.

‘Bros’ Star Billy Eichner Reacts to ‘Disappointing’ Box Office Opening: ‘Straight People Just Didn’t Show Up’
–– Billy on the shee-it.

‘Bros’ Box Office: Star Billy Eichner Decries Homophobia After Dismal Opening
–– Wasn’t ham-ophobia to blame?

As ‘Blonde’ Goes No. 1 on Netflix, Viewers Lash Out: ‘So Sexist,’ ‘Cruel’ and ‘One of the Most Detestable Movies’ Ever Made
–– Some like it not.

Kanye West called out by Jayden Smith for dressing in ‘hate slogan’
–– Schmuck on schmuck violence.

Jordan Peterson Breaks Down in Tears When Asked About Olivia Wilde Calling Him a ‘Hero to the Incel Community’: ‘Sure, Why Not?’
–– Wet and Wilde.

'Little Fires Everywhere' author says new novel's dystopic vision is 'plausible — and plausible soon'
–– 'Plausible soon!' was original cover blurb.

Alec Baldwin reaches settlement with Halyna Hutchins’ family
–– Rust in peace.

‘She-Hulk’ Star Jameela Jamil Calls Out “Hostile” Viewers Who Slam the Show: “It Doesn’t Appeal to Everyone”
–– ‘I mean, like, some people have eyes, ears.’

Harris Dickinson on his Star Turn as Male Model on a Puking Cruise Ship in ‘Triangle of Sadness’
–– Reserve your tickets now!

House of the Dragon’ Viewers Outraged Over Scenes Too Dark to See, HBO Defends Them as ‘Intentional Creative Decision’
–– How about little gratitude.

‘Game of Thrones’ Fans Boycott George R.R. Martin’s Next Book, Accusing Coauthors of Racism
–– White wackers.

Amazon Studios Head Jennifer Salke Breaks Down the $700 Million ‘Rings of Power’ Gamble and Plan for MGM Integration
–– She should break down over it.

Mick Jagger Slept With Two Other Rolling Stones, New Book Claims
–– And one Cocker?

Lindsay Lohan on Her Netflix Movie Comeback: “Acting Is Like Riding a Bicycle”
–– “Or, in my case, tricycle.’

Niecy Nash’s wife has the wrong name tattooed on her neck after a misunderstanding
–– Nephewy just didn’t look right.

Wait — We’re Not Talking Enough About Zendaya’s Plush, Terracotta Clay Lips
–– What were you discussing previously? Paint drying?

Bella Hadid Went Braless on the Runway in a Completely See-Through Catsuit Covered in Crystals
–– We felt obligated to check for accuracy.

Will Roger Waters’ Explosive New Comments About Israel and Ukraine Sink a $500 Million Pink Floyd Catalog Sale?
–– Or, at least, Waters down?

Exclusive: Taco Bell is enlisting Pete Davidson to help apologize for its breakfast menu
–– Perfect –– both make you want to barf.

‘Dedicated to the One I Love’: Cass Elliot’s Daughter Gets Her ‘Mama’ a Star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame
–– Outside all-you-can-eat restaurant.

Velma Is Officially a Lesbian in New ‘Scooby-Doo’ Film, Years After James Gunn and More Tried to Make Her Explicitly Gay
–– Scooby comes out, rumored to be dating The Tramp.

Will Oscar Voters Even Consider Voting for Will Smith for ‘Emancipation’? “We Have to Allow People to Grow,” “No Chance,” “F*** Him”
–– No free Willy?

Prince William Reportedly "Made it Clear" That Camilla Is Not His Children's "Step-Grandmother"
–– Unless you add ‘Evil’ adjective.

Nobel Prize in Literature Is Awarded to Annie Ernaux
–– Er, no, you’ve never heard of her.

Making waves: These women are challenging ‘skinny and hairless’ surfing stereotypes
–– Chubby and hare-brained?

Cheating scandal at Ohio tournament rocks competitive fishing world
–– Someone had finger on scales.

Teenage grandmaster ‘likely cheated’ in dozens of matches, top chess website claims
–– Opponents rooked.

Indonesia stadium tragedy: 129 people dead following soccer match, police say
–– Guess we’re not going to criticize rowdy Phillies fans so much.

Hong Kong is opening up to tourism -- but is it too late?
–– Will enough travelers want to visit slave colony?

Catalans, in contest for tallest human tower, climb to dizzying heights
–– Take Spanish steps.

This artist covered his mansion in doodles, fulfilling a childhood dream
–– Now it’s kind of doodley squat.

"Gentrification Is Real": This Woman Says Neighbors Offered Her $800K For Her Grandfather's Multi-Million-Dollar Home
–– Think she needs to look up definition of ‘gentrification.’

Woman criticized for taking boyfriend to nice dinner for birthday
–– And insisting fast-food staff behind counter sing Happy Birthday.

A psychiatry researcher who taught his students depression was caused by a 'chemical imbalance' in the brain says everything he thought he knew about SSRIs is wrong
–– Bummed doubt.

How Far Would You Have to Tunnel Underground to Lose 20 Pounds?
–– After about 6 we wouldn’t have to see your fat ass.

Police: Fired Olathe teacher had sex with 17-year-old student multiple times at school
–– Was during sex ed.

Florida tokers inadvertently smoked rat poison; 52 sickened, 4 dead
–– 2 nesting in sewer.

Before She Died, My Wife Kept a Diary. Why Won’t Her Cousin Let Me See It?
–– Um, is this ‘that jerk’ asking?

You will soon be able to jaywalk ticket-free in California
–– State exploring creative solutions to overpopulation.

Orlando FreeFall ride will be taken down after teen’s death, operator says
–– Can't be sued for false advertising in name.

CEO on why in-office work requirement is 'foolish'
–– Any surprise company’s called Slack?

Apple is one step closer to being forced to ditch its Lightning charger in Europe
–– EU: 'Socket to them.'

There’s Still One Big Trick for Getting Into an Elite College
–– Blowing Dean?

At N.Y.U., Students Were Failing Organic Chemistry. Who Was to Blame?
–– Hmm, Sherlock, we think we see straight white male octogenarian.

The world's most spectacular airport is about to double in size
–– A runway success.

The rise of sleep tourism
–– You won’t take lying down.

This Pennsylvania Town Is Known As the 'Switzerland of America' — Here's Why
–– Banks filled with Nazi gold?

The most common restaurant cuisine in every state, and a chain-restaurant mystery
–– Who eats that shit?

Why I’m saying goodbye to star ratings in my restaurant reviews
–– I want people to like me!

This Hearty Bean Soup Gets Only Better With Time
–– After week, intestinal pressure exquisite.

For Her Swan Song, Linda Ronstadt Turns to Recipes
–– Starting with swan cutlets and gravy.

Dogs that fatally mauled Tennessee toddlers, injured mom were never violent, friend says
–– Sure, pit bulls were ‘nice, quiet couple’ that ‘kept to themselves’, ‘always waved hi.’

What are animals thinking? They feel empathy, grieve, seek joy just like us
–– Aw. And regret when they tear human babies’ throats out?

Pebbles, the world’s oldest dog, has died at age 22
–– Survived by his wife!

2% of the world’s rarest zebras wiped out in Kenya’s relentless drought
–– Other 98% asking for drinks.

Mahi mahi are dwindling and Keys charter boat captains agree why. ‘This is disgraceful.’
–– Mahi mahi oh my!

The Humble Origins of the ‘Fattest Tournament on Earth’
–– Bear witness.

American tourist smashes two sculptures in the Vatican
–– Like papal bull in china shop.

Classical statue of Hercules nearly 2,000 years old found in Greece
–– Would be much weirder on Easter Island.

'Irreparable': Easter Island fire chars famous towering Moai statues; arson suspected
–– 'Heavily muscled Greek god' being sought.

Post-impact images of DART mission have not disappointed
–– Speak for yourself.

Couple used plastic storage tubs as rafts to float their baby (and cat) to safety during storm
–– Half a good decision.

Fourth year in a row of drought is likely in Southwest after worst 3 on record
–– Four-peat's sake!

Bert Fields Remembered as a Loyal and Fearsome Protector of Hollywood Stars
–– Elysian Fields.

Sacheen Littlefeather, Activist Who Took the Stage to Decline Marlon Brando’s Oscar, Dies at 75
–– Plucked.

Charles Fuller, Playwright and Screenwriter Behind ‘A Soldier’s Play,’ Dies at 83
–– Fuller emptied.

Kim Jung Gi, Famed Illustrator Known for Densely Populated Scenes Drawn in Front of Dedicated Fans, Dead at 47
–– Gi whizzed.

Loretta Lynn, Country Music Star and Symbol of Rural Resilience, Dies at 90
–– Cold miner’s daughter.

Loretta Lynn Could Convince Me of Anything
–– Her or Nigerian prince.