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Coal-Hearted
Week of 12/17/21

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Joe Manchin as Santa Claus places a lump of coal in Joe Biden's sticking hung above a fireplace next to Nancy Pelosi's.Manchin cites a blind trust to justify climate votes. But much income from his family’s coal company isn’t covered.
–– Another lump for your stocking.

Fully Vaccinated Is About to Mean Something Else
–– Kinda Sorta Vaccinated.

Manchin tanks Democrats' hopes of passing Biden's big bill by Christmas with last-minute demands to cut the child tax credit
–– As he knocks Tiny Tim’s crutch out from under him.

Mitch McConnell says delaying Biden's agenda, including an expanded child tax credit, is 'the best Christmas gift Washington could give working families'
–– And he kicks Tim in groin.

Former anchor shares inside story on Fox News' 'War on Christmas'
–– O come, all ye fatheads.

McConnell says Jan. 6 committee's findings are 'something the public needs to know'
–– Führer information.

Rick Perry sent Mark Meadows text outlining ‘aggressive’ strategy to invalidate election, report says
–– Fact ‘agressive’ misspelled dead giveaway.

Fla. man sentenced to 5 years for attacking police, the longest Jan. 6 riot sentence yet
–– From Florida? Who’d a’ thunk it.

Roger Stone invokes Fifth Amendment in appearance before Jan. 6 committee
–– After ingesting fifth of vodka.

Democratic lawmaker called Jim Jordan a 'traitor' over his text to Mark Meadows that outlined a legal theory of how Mike Pence could challenge the 2020 election results
–– Or the moron's Oliver Wendell Holmes?

Fox News Hosts Sent Texts to Meadows Urging Trump to Act as Jan. 6 Attack Unfolded
–– Suggested he audition for Sauron in new LOTR TV series.

House Jan. 6 committee poised to vote on holding Meadows in contempt for defying subpoena
–– Chief of stiff.

Meadows said National Guard would be ready to 'protect pro Trump people' before Capitol insurrection, House investigators say
–– Would recognize them by slack jaws.

Fox News Blow-Up After Geraldo Rivera Confronts Hannity on Air About Trump’s Role in Capitol Riot
–– Botch slapped.

Bill O'Reilly: 'Diminishing the Capitol riot could never have happened' while he was at Fox News
–– Yeah, remember when it was beacon of fair, impartial journalism?

Thousands Of Seats Reportedly Unsold At Trump And Bill O'Reilly's Orlando Event
–– Yet still somehow biggest crowd in arena ever.

Trump says Jewish Americans ‘don’t like Israel or don’t care about Israel’
–– 'Just like me!'

Eric Trump admits 'We weren't smart enough to collude with Russia'
–– For once, that’s not royal we.

Paul Gosar's chief of staff tried to intercept a plane rumored to be full of fake votes for Biden: court docs
–– Talk about con air.

Trump’s quest for more powerful shower heads is over
–– Golden shower search continues.

Ivanka Trump Was Reportedly Behind Donald Trump's Bible PR Stunt That Backfired During the BLM Protests
–– Real Bible stumper.

Michael Cohen is suing Donald Trump, claiming he was returned to prison in order to silence him — and seeking $20 million
–– Also campaigning for Mandela-like Nobel.

3 Residents of The Villages in Florida Are Accused of Voting Fraud
–– Bingo!

Bill Clinton Hopes Hillary's Emotional Reading of Victory Speech 'Will Make People a Little Less Cynical'
–– 'About why I cheated on 'er.'

F.D.A. Will Permanently Allow Abortion Pills by Mail
–– So women can return 'packages' to sender.

Herschel Walker campaign deletes a false claim saying the Republican candidate for Senate graduated from college
–– In high school passed more balls than tests.

Naming Elon Musk person of the year is Time’s ‘worst choice ever’, say critics
–– Really?

Chris Wallace announces he is leaving Fox News
–– Changing career to journalism.

Fox News reporter brings up 'half-million-dollar Christmas-tree' fire in White House briefing, asks Psaki whether suspect's release is 'good governing'
–– If he goes after offices next.

David Archuleta Lost Control of His Life on ‘American Idol.’ He Came Out as Bisexual to Get It Back
–– And get anyone to write about him again.

Kristin Davis, 56, says she's 'angry' about comments about her age and body: 'F*** you'
–– Yeah, can you just concentrate on weak acting?

Hilary Duff Just Posed Topless on Instagram
–– News flash.

Steve Harvey asked Miss India to do an animal impression while other Miss Universe contestants got to speak about their accomplishments
–– And her lame cat meow not much of accomplishment.

Jeff Garlin Exits ‘The Goldbergs’ Following HR Investigations Into On-Set Behavior
–– Garlin knots.

Peloton drops Chris Noth ad following sexual assault allegations
–– Wouldn’t be caught dead peddling their product.

Inside the Hollywood Labor Rebellion: “We Have Awoken a Sleeping Giant”
–– Hope ungrammatical quote's not from WGA member.

Megan Thee Stallion is now Megan Thee Graduate: 'I know my parents are looking down on me'
–– We’re all looking down on you.

Brooke Shields, 56, says sex for her has been an evolution: 'It wasn't until my 40s that I started thinking of sex as my experience'
–– Didn't delve deeper into schizophrenia.

Priyanka Chopra Elevates See-Through Lingerie-Inspired Catsuit and Peekaboo Underwear With Sleek Sandals for ‘Seth Myers’
–– Creating painful wedgie.

Billie Eilish Says She Started Watching Porn at Age 11: 'It Really Destroyed My Brain'
–– Finally, an explanation.

Alexa Demie of 'Euphoria' transforms into 9 creatures for Petra Collins' 'Fairy Tales'
–– Looks like embarrassing sleepover gone wrong.

Denzel Washington tears up on 'Colbert' while talking about his late mother: 'I didn't cry at her funeral'
–– Mama Washington: ‘No you did not, you ungrateful good-for-nothing. Why I oughta…’

Leonardo DiCaprio Had a Problem With 72-Year-Old Meryl Streep's Nude Scene in 'Don't Look Up'
–– Don’t look down.

‘Y’all Not Finna Try Unc’: Fans Come to Denzel Washington’s Defense After Veteran Actor Says He’s Never Heard of ‘Snowfall’ Star Damson Idris
–– No, indeed, y’all not.

Ben Affleck says he felt 'trapped' in his marriage to Jennifer Garner
–– As rats sometimes do.

Ben Affleck says negative reaction to Stern interview 'hurts my feelings'
–– 'Which I would have drowned in booze if I was still married to that cow.'

The Last Duel’ Stars Matt Damon and Adam Driver Performed Their Own Stunts
–– Did employ hair doubles.

Olivia Munn gives birth, welcomes baby with John Mulaney
–– Little rehab rebound bonus.

People Are Explaining Their Attraction To Pete Davidson, And I Agree With Quite A Few Of These Myself
–– Which makes me think it’s time for detox.

Comedian Trevor Noahs Sues His Orthopedic Surgeon, Says the Doctor Was Negligent and Caused Permanent Injury
–– To his funny bone!

J.K. Rowling Credit Is Nearly Invisible in New ‘Fantastic Beasts 3’ Trailer
–– She must have watched film.

Bruce Springsteen reportedly sold his music catalog worth hundreds of millions of dollars
–– And he's feeling 'boss.'

‘Charlie’s Angels’ star Jaclyn Smith, 76, ‘looks younger’ than her son Gaston in rare photo: ‘My Son-Shine!’
–– Can barely see fang marks on his neck.

Mackenzie Davis Catches Fire
–– Smokejumpers called in.

Rebel Wilson Quite Literally Set the Internet on Fire With Her Latest Instagram
–– If only you could burn the damn thing down.

William Shatner relives the experience of blasting off into space: 'Oh s*** I could die!'
–– Beam him up, Grimmy.

America's sweetheart Betty White invites fans to her upcoming 100th birthday 'party'
–– Needs help blowing out candles.

Efforts to save Iran nuclear deal ‘reaching the end of the road’
–– Due to Shi'a persistence.

U.S. sees Iran nuclear breakout time as really short-senior official
–– Diplomat only 4’11”.

Dubai ruler's ex-security chief sues for unfair dismissal
–– Sure to get fair sheikh in UAE courts.

The price of a Turkish breakfast staple has risen 40%
–– Making it tough to keep pastirma attached to roll.

The opposition is in jail. Hong Kong wants its ‘patriots’-only vote to look legitimate.
–– In ayes of world?

In Turkey, critics say the sultan has no clothes. Erdogan’s advisers won’t tell him.
–– Makes it easier for them to kiss ass.

U.N. talks adjourn without deal to regulate 'killer robots'
–– Just as Ultron willed it.

Elon Musk said he's intentionally trying to provoke Jeff Bezos so Blue Origin makes more progress. It's the latest in a 15-year feud between the world's 2 richest men.
–– Calling him 'bald-headed fuck' is to provoke his hair follicles.

What the U.S. Can Learn From 'Right to Unplug' Experiments in Europe
–– Need to apply it to more life-support systems.

Kraft will pay you $20 not to make cheesecake for Christmas
–– With their not-cheese.

McDonald's claws back $105 million from fired CEO Steve Easterbrook
–– Claims special source.

Employees At McDonald's, Starbucks, Subway, And More Are Spilling The Tea On What Really Goes On Behind Closed Doors, And All I Can Say Is "Wow"
–– ‘Like nobody is cleaning it up, and someone could slip on it and hurt themselves.’

We Tried Cold Stone's 2 New Fudgy Holiday Flavors
–– Wish we’d stuck tongue directly on frozen granite stone instead.

Striking Kellogg's workers to vote on tentative deal
–– Tony: 'They're not gr-r-reat!'

This chipotle mayo brick chicken is a crisp and clever one-pan dinner
–– And great way to fill holes in your wall.

Miniature by Sarah Biffin, 19th-Century Artist Born With No Arms or Legs, Exceeds Estimates at Auction
–– Costs both.

Sarah Ferguson said marrying Prince Andrew made her the 'luckiest girl in the world' and she stands by him '100%'
–– And 'he's oh-so reliable with the alibimony.'

Ghislaine Maxwell ‘too fragile’ to testify. Defense witnesses can’t appear anonymously
–– And her story ‘too frail.’

Nassar Abuse Survivors Reach a $380 Million Settlement
–– Not doing backflips.

Chauvin intends to plead guilty to violating George Floyd’s civil rights, court filing shows
–– Sticks his neck out.

Potter testifies she was never physically trained on weapons confusion
–– You mean she was naturally that befuddled?

Map from executed murderer leads to likely remains of sister-in-law
–– Or is example of truly amazing coincedence.

Phillip Adams Had Severe C.T.E. at the Time of Shootings
–– What shape were heads of his six shooting victims in?

An arrest has been made after swastikas were spray-painted on the Charging Bull statue near Wall Street and at New York City Hall
–– Bear mark it.

Why Do Women Sprout Chin Hairs as They Age
–– Lack pluck.

Married People Shared The Wildest Ways They Caught Their Spouse Cheating, And I Literally Have No Words
–– Good, then we don’t have to read this shit.

Heirs Sue to Claim Mondrian Painting in Philadelphia Museum of Art
–– Big box item.

Tornado rips through candle factory in Kentucky, leaving many searching for loved ones
–– Eulogists wax poetic.

Married for 56 Years, Kentucky Couple Killed in Tornado Found Holding Onto Each Other
–– After whirlwind affair.

Amazon worker killed in warehouse collapse wasn't allowed to leave when the tornado approached, girlfriend says
–– Blew origin.

Famous LA shopping center adds barbed-wire-like fence to deter smash and grabs
–– Digs moat around Cheesecake Factory.

Human remains found 40 years ago identified as member of The O'Jays R&B band
–– Authorities suspect back stabbers.

Can We Make Our Granddaughter Give Up Her Scary Dog?
–– Who is apparently telling her to strangle us in our sleep.

Sled dogs wear mascara, eat 10,000 calories a day—and more musher’s secrets
–– Because drivers like plump dates.

These Sweet Labs Pulling Their Senior Dog Sibling in a Cart for a Final Walk Will Melt Your Heart
–– Right before dumping bitch in ravine.

Rampaging monkeys kill 250 dogs in India in revenge massacre
–– Squealed on by Ratweiler.

When Humane Societies Threw Christmas Parties for Horses
–– And bachelor parties for Jackasses.

Venomous snake found lurking in family's Christmas tree
–– Like tinsssel.

The first true millipede has been discovered in Australia. It has the most legs of any living animal
–– Meet man who counted them.

Spanish bishop loses church powers after marriage to erotica author
–– Who regularly flogged his.

Scientists Find the Oldest Evidence of Neanderthals Altering the Natural Landscape
–– Residents of the Villages illegally installed hot tub in flower bed.

Perseverance rover makes 'completely unexpected' volcanic discovery on Mars
–– Lava's lane?

'Significant amounts of water' found in Mars' massive version of the Grand Canyon
–– Rename valley Colorado Damp Spot.

A gas found on Earth that signifies life has been detected in the clouds on Venus
–– Queen Talleah let one go.

Plastic-Degrading Enzymes May Be Increasing in Response to Pollution
–– All-you-can-eat-away feast.

Flu vaccines don't match the main circulating flu virus strain, researchers find
–– Labs blu it.

House oversight committee releases report detailing efforts of Trump administration officials to 'undermine' Covid-19 efforts in US
–– aka SOP.

As U.S. Nears 800,000 Virus Deaths, 1 of Every 100 Older Americans Has Perished
–– And it’s never right 1%.

Omicron Is a Dress Rehearsal for the Next Pandemic
–– Entitled Everybody Dies.

Don’t dance on the graves of anti-vaxxers who die. It won't help get shots in arms.
–– Plus stupid could rub off even after death.

Fares soar in race to reach France by 11pm to beat travel ban
–– Grand pricks.

This Amazon program has funneled thousands to anti-vax activists during the pandemic
–– Won't Prime the pump.

Man kicked off plane for wearing thong as mask as protest
–– While lodging two gumballs on either side of tongue.

‘Interview with the Vampire' author Anne Rice dies at age 80
–– Are you certain?

Ken Kragen, Organizer of ‘We Are the World’ and ‘Hands Across America,’ Dies at 85
–– Release the Kragen.

bell hooks, Pathbreaking Black Feminist, Dies at 69
–– hooks line sinker.