Donkey Conk
Week of 10/29/21
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Why progressives still aren’t voting for the infrastructure bill
–– Defeat is their brand.
5 times scientists actually revived the living dead.
–– 1) Never.
Ahead of COP26 climate summit, world remains on a dangerous trajectory and financial pledges are falling short
–– COP26 a plea.
In advance of climate summit, tension among Biden aides on China policy
–– Seethe levels rising.
Western leaders urge Iran to act in 'good faith' on nuclear deal
–– Then can’t stop laughing for 20 minutes.
Biden White House rejects more executive privilege claims by Trump
–– Rules ‘cloak of invisibility’ void.
Elon Musk slams billionaire tax: ‘Eventually, they run out of other people’s money and then they come for you’
–– First they came for the billionaires, and I did not speak out –– because I was not a billionaire…
2 men arrested on suspicion of cutting wood from bridge to sell on black market, officials say
–– Looking at span in prison.
Democratic lawmaker says Biden said he's "within inches" of getting deal with Manchin and Sinema
–– Tougher because he won't touch with ten-foot pole.
What’s Kyrsten Sinema Up To? It’s Pretty Obvious.
–– Good, then we don’t have to read this nonsense.
Democrats float new methane fee in spending bill
–– Colorless, but it stinks.
Marjorie Taylor Greene Called Liz Cheney A ‘Karen’ And You Know What Happened Next
–– Some sort of pot calling the kettle blonde scenario, we imagine.
Sen. Bernie Sanders says 'the very fabric of American democracy is in danger' if progressive priorities are left out of Biden's social-spending bill
–– Feel the Bern of ridiculous exaggeration.
Joe Biden's approval ratings are worse than every recent president -- except 1 -- at this stage
–– Biden big one.
Video shows people yelling 'F*** Joe Biden' at motorcade in president's hometown of Scranton
–– Which Washington Examiner apparently thinks is knock on Biden not morons shouting.
Biden’s early-presidency getaways so far outpace Trump's
–– Requests for Trump to ‘get away’ outnumbered Biden’s by factor of 100.
Biden mocks Virginia GOP gubernatorial candidate Glenn Youngkin for not campaigning with Trump: 'Is he embarrassed?'
–– The Youngkin, the restless.
Wall Street Journal reporters object while opinion section prints Trump's letter to the editor
–– Are they embarrassed?
Coup Memo Lawyer Calls Himself A 'Hero' Who Talked Trump Back From The Ledge
–– So he could climb to roof and jump.
Trump lawyer John Eastman said 'courage and the spine' would help Pence send election to the House in comments before January 6
–– Interesting take from invertebrate.
MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell still hasn't given a basic response to Dominion's $1.3 billion defamation lawsuit
–– Did thrust bare bottom in air, grunt.
Obama mocked GOP New Jersey gubernatorial nominee Jack Ciattarelli for attending a 'Stop the Steal' rally
–– Which is particularly ironic slogan in state of NJ.
GOP Virginia governor candidate airs new ad starring a parent who wanted to remove Toni Morrison's 'Beloved' from schools because it gave her nearly college-aged son nightmares
–– For the Beloved Mike!
Longtime Hillary Clinton aide Huma Abedin describes sexual assault by US senator
–– Never saw Weiner.
Olivia Rodrigo says Biden gave her a shoehorn and some M&Ms when she visited the White House
–– If the shoo fits…
Olivia Rodrigo reveals shoehorn she received from Biden is actually an ice cream scooper
–– And that she'd been fired from Baskin-Robbins for filling cones with shoehorn.
Democratic Lawmaker Tells 'Cheap Mistress' Trump What Republicans Say Behind His Back
–– Slut shamming.
Why Mitch McConnell caved to Donald Trump on Herschel Walker
–– He’s caveman.
Meghan McCain says Lindsey Graham isn't part of her 'family' and 'hasn't been for a very long time'
–– ‘Ever since that incident with the jar of mayonnaise, Mom’s favorite quilt and the family dog.’
Facebook changes its company name to Meta
–– Meta tag.
5 Things Mark Zuckerberg Said About His Plan for the Metaverse That Should Make You Very Worried
–– 3) He’s naming Doctor Strange to Board.
Tourist returns Harrison Ford's credit card after star loses it in Italy
–– Aw, Ford is always getting upset, throwing hissy fit.
“Rust” assistant director was fired from previous movie after gun incident injured crew member
–– According to his resumé.
Candace Owens Rips Alec Baldwin Apart In A Series Of Scathing Tweets About His Accidental Shooting Incident: ‘What Has Happened To Alec Would Be An Example Of Poetic Justice’
–– Goes off half-crocked.
Mindy Kaling on Her Shift From Performer-Writer to Writer-Performer
–– How about shift to Entertainer?
Kristen Stewart Says She Has 'Only Made 5 Really Good Films' in Her Career: 'Total Crapshoot'
–– She did shoot lots of crap.
Wes Anderson and McDormand Disagree If Her ‘French Dispatch’ Character Slept with Chalamet’s
–– Both agree they slept through it.
‘Unfilmable’ Books That Hollywood Should Try to Adapt After ‘Dune’
–– Because we need more unfilms.
How Stellan Skarsgård transformed to 'Dune's 600-pound, often-naked 'monster' villain Baron Harkonnen
–– Dune what comes naturally.
Kevin Smith: Weinstein Cut ‘Good Will Hunting’ Release Short to Screw with Robin Williams’ Deal
–– Starting to think he wasn’t nice guy.
Jada Pinkett Smith Reveals the Expectation That Hampered Her Sex Life With Will Smith For Years
–– O?
Alan Cumming Says His Role In "GoldenEye" Saved His Life And That He Was Suicidal Before Receiving It
–– Cumming to life.
A Photo Of BJ Novak Was Accidentally Deemed Public Domain, And Now His Face Is Printed On Personal Care Items And Household Products Across The World
–– On off-brand Novakaine.
Joaquin Phoenix, Ari Aster ‘Could Get Upset and Make Up in Seconds’ on ‘Disappointment Blvd.’ Set
–– Named after block on which they both reside.
‘It’s a Fictional Story’: ‘The Harder They Fall’ Director Addresses Colorism Backlash Over Zazie Beetz Portraying Stage Coach Mary
–– That Beetz all!
'The Harder They Fall' star Jonathan Majors says he picks films his 8-year-old daughter can be 'proud' of
–– Because she could’ve written them.
‘Avengers: Endgame’ Producer Admits Studio Worried That Female Heroes Scene Was Too Pandering
–– Called in Black Pander.
John Boyega surprised by response to Star Wars criticism as ‘Robert Pattinson talks s*** about his films’
–– Ingratitude should be color blind.
'Antlers' ending explained: Director reveals "wendigo" horror and his “longer version”
–– For 26 people who saw it.
Billy Joel tells Howard Stern he felt Eric Clapton’s anti-vaccine stance was a ‘total shock’
–– Until he remembered all the dope, brandy he imbibed.
Kat Von D closing famous tattoo parlor
–– Tat’s all, folks.
50 Cent on Jada Pinkett Smith Discussing Sex Life With Will Smith: 'Why She Keep Doing Sh*t Like This'
–– Gives his 2 Cent.
Miranda Cosgrove says she woke up from a 2011 surgery with a mysterious hole in her leg and she still doesn't know how it got there
–– But notes it fits Lightning cable.
'I'm So Lucky to Be Your Dad': Bill Gates and His Daughter Pen Emotional Messages to Each Other On the Microsoft Co-Founder's Birthday
–– Jennifer Gates: ‘No, I’m the lucky one and I know that ‘no inheritance’ stuff was Mom’s idea and I love you way more than her.’
Tampa’s Daniel Roebuck to star as Grandpa Munster in ‘The Munsters’
–– Sere Roebuck.
Brandi Carlile ‘Disappointed’ to Be Shifted From Grammys’ American Roots Category to Pop
–– Words cannot express our anguish.
There's now a McRib NFT and what are we even doing anymore?
–– You gotta be McRibbing us.
Kellogg's customer files $5 million lawsuit alleging Pop-Tarts don't have enough strawberries
–– Should plead insanity if they’re trying to fulfill RDA of fruit with Pop-Tarts.
Comcast Takes $520M Loss On Peacock, Doesn’t Disclose New Sign-Ups
–- Fail to feather bed.
Houston’s 'Mattress Mack' bet big on the Astros and could win almost $39 million if they take World Series
–– Would pad bank account.
Longtime NFL official Carl Madsen dies on way home from Chiefs-Titans
–– Chief takeaway.
Queen Elizabeth Is in 'Very Good Form' After Her Recent Health Setbacks, Says U.K. Prime Minister
–– Form is similar to that of coffin’s, but still…
Juan Carlos ‘injected with hormones by secret service to slow sex drive’
–– His paella seasoned with saltpeter.
A Miami model posed in front of her papa’s open casket. Some people didn’t click ‘like’
–– Not drop-dead gorgeous.
Comedian had right to mock disabled teen singer, Canadian court rules
–– Can of scorn.
Principal of school in lap dance incident embroiled in 2019 sexual assault suit
–– Accused of sitting on it.
A Texas lawmaker is targeting 850 books that he says could make students feel uneasy
–– Hope voters target 1 lawmaker who makes authors feel uneasy.
Austin, Texas, defunded its police department. Now voters will decide if city needs more officers
–– Will 71% rise in homicides be factor?
Investigators confused Brian Laundrie's mother for him while watching their home, police reportedly acknowledge
-– Confounded her with riddles, kept calling her by wrong name.
Opinion | One of the most painful lessons from the Brian Laundrie-Gabby Petito tragedy
–– You’ve wasted hours of your life reading about it.
Man goes on trial in Germany accused of castrating men on kitchen table
–– Career cut short.
U.S. Takes Aim at Iran’s Drone Program, Seeing Risk to Mideast Stability
–– Claims Khameini blabbing on and on threat to region.
Half of Syria has been displaced by war. Now record drought threatens millions more
–– Still resists UN resignation as ‘shithole.’
Slim Kim: North Korean leader believed healthy despite weight loss
–– On Vegan Diet –– eats one a week.
$547 million villa with world's only Caravaggio ceiling mural goes on sale
–– So-called Il Bel Perineum.
A cyclist survived an attack from a 500-pound bear by kicking the animal after it charged toward him
–– Knocking beast off his unicycle.
People Are Having Light-Bulb Moments After Hearing This Guy Explain How Nothing In American Schools Make Sense
–– And how they never even learned how electricity works.
DNA reveals unexpected origins of enigmatic mummies buried in a Chinese desert
–– Have been updated to inscrutable.
Archaeologists unearth ‘once-in-a-lifetime’ discovery of complete Roman statues in U.K.
–– Afraid dig would be bust.
Doorbell Camera Catches Cat Named Kevin Boldly Chasing Coyote Away from Owner's Portland Home
–– Misses part where coyote returns on Acme rocket for revenge.
Creep obtains woman's phone number from her dog's collar, asks her out
–– Doesn’t get treat.
Panther and Rottweiler become best friends after woman rescues wild cat from zoo
–– Have ‘maim and dismember’ dates weekly.
Judge in Spain Grants Couple Joint Custody of Their Dog, Panda, in Rare Ruling
–– And conjugal visitation rights to both.
Firefighter who allegedly left poisoned food that killed cats and dog faces felony charges
–– Left on tree limbs after climbing ladder to rescue.
Internet split over aunt who doesn't want niece to scream at rescue dog
–– Finally internet has found topic it’s qualified to comment on.
Woman rescues "stray puppy" which turns out to be a rare wolfdog
–– Which is dog that's been bit by Larry Talbot.
The rare 'penis plant' just bloomed for the first time in over two decades
–– Has to be hard to find.
Humungous Spider Filmed On Wall Of House In Tobago
–- Performing Kokomo.
The morbid appeal of “botched” plastic surgery
–– By Dr. Moreau.
My little girl went in for a mole removal and ended up having her foot amputated
–– Mole did have most of lower leg in mouth.
Ambitious scientists reach one of the deep seas' most inaccessible places
–– But can’t get into Davey Jones’ locker without combination.
This fierce fish grows 20 new teeth each day
–– Because it stupidly eats rocks.
Endangered birds experience 'virgin birth,' a first for the species
–– California condors can go fuck themselves.
SpaceX fixes Crew Dragon toilet before this weekend's launch
–– For Dragon drop.
Scientists tracked a mysterious signal in space. Its source was closer to Australia
–– More specifically a Trekkie in New Zealand.
Juno finally got close enough to Jupiter's Great Red Spot to measure its depth
–- Asked some really probing questions.
2% of Elon Musk's wealth could solve world hunger, says director of UN food scarcity organization
–– If they'll eat Musk rat.
They pulled 63,000 pounds of trash from the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, but that's just the start
–– They created 10 mil Garbage Patch Kid figurines from it.
The oil and gas industry knew about climate change in the 1950s
–– Proving they’re like way smarter than you Green wussies!
Nets briefly put Barclays Center on lockdown after protest for Kyrie Irving turns ugly
–– Was already pretty stupid.
Election ‘distracted’ Trump team from pandemic response, Birx tells Congress
–– Adds it only cost about 130,000 lives.
Report: Even $9 Million and a Trip to Hawaii Won’t Convince Ice Cube To Get Vaccinated
–– Doesn’t melt suicidal resolve.
Jay Black, Soaring Lead Singer of the Americans, Dies at 82
–– Fade to Black.
