Roe v. Weighed
Week of 12/03/21
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Poll: As Supreme Court hears Mississippi case, just 24% of Americans want Roe v. Wade overturned
–– Many with parents who would’ve benefited from law.
Why Does Coffee Make Me Poop?
–– You’re not supposed to boof it.
Justice Amy Coney Barrett's own words require her to recuse herself in abortion cases
–– Coney dogged.
Kavanaugh cites landmark gay rights cases in argument about abortion restrictions
–– And Bud v. Coors.
Joe Biden Says He Caught a Cold From His Grandson Who 'Likes to Kiss His Pop'
–– Pop Off.
Trump’s Biggest Issue With Jan. 6 Is That Nobody Is Talking About His Rally’s Crowd Size
–– Except in brains department.
Former White House chief of staff Mark Meadows cooperating with Jan. 6 committee
–– Chief crook and battle wisher.
Trump doesn't deny testing positive for COVID-19 before his first debate with Biden but calls his former chief of staff's account of the test result 'fake news'
–– aka 'the truth.'
Trump hailed Mark Meadows' book in October as 'an incredible Christmas present' for those who want to learn about truth. He's now calling it fake news.
–– Adding Santa Claus giving gifts to kids ‘fraud.’
Joe Biden Has Succinct Retort When Asked If Trump Put Him At Risk For COVID-19
–– ‘Who?’
Jared and Ivanka Try to Reenter Polite Society, Are Promptly Told to F--k Off
–– Politely, we hope.
A disgraced Trump loyalist is in trouble for blowing off January 6 investigators. But Biden's DOJ still faces a tough call on prosecuting him.
–– After career blowing Trump.
Sidney Powell filed false incorporation papers for non-profit, grand jury finds
–– Her plausible defense: she wouldn't recognize truth if it walked up, threw book at her.
Kayleigh McEnany Promoting 'Merrymaking' Trump Party Gets Less Than Festive Response
–– Grinch-worthy.
‘Embarrassed’ Capitol Rioter Who Wore '(F**k) Your Feelings' Sweatshirt Sentenced
–– Judge donned '(F**k) You' robes.
A publishing exec thinks Trump could self-publish his presidential memoir because he doesn't want to get a smaller cash advance than Obama
–– And it’s only 24 pages long.
First lady Jill Biden unveils her first White House holiday decorations
–– Joe-ho-ho.
Second gentleman slated to attend National Menorah Lighting ceremony
–– Gets lit.
2nd video shows Lauren Boebert calling Ilhan Omar 'black-hearted' and 'evil,' as the Republican refuses to apologize to her
–– ‘And, well, black!’
Rep. Nancy Mace Is Feuding with Fellow Republican Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene: 'Bless Her F—ing Heart'
–– Mace wings doo.
Everything we know about the persistent but unproven rumors that Rep. Ilhan Omar married her brother
–– Unproven, but incestant.
Stacey Abrams Says She’s Running for Georgia Governor
–– If at first you don't succeed, vie and vie again.
Chris Cuomo Speaks Out After CNN Suspends Him Amid Andrew Cuomo Scandal: 'It's Embarrassing'
–– NY Attorney General really cleaning up streets.
DeSantis proposes a new civilian military force in Florida that he would control
–– Dubbed F-Troop.
Alec Baldwin Says He ‘Didn’t Pull the Trigger’ in ‘Rust’ Killing
–– He's real barrel of laughs.
Sylvester Stallone excites QAnon by wearing Q hat, "into the storm" remark
–– Proving boxing movies can leave you punch drunk.
Kylie Jenner and Travis Scott Are "Inseparable" as They Await Baby No. 2
–– Like two concertgoers trampled together.
Tony Bennett, 95, leaves his heart onstage in a moving final concert with Lady Gaga
–– EMTs immediately alerted.
–– Isn't diversity beautiful?
Lindsay Lohan announces she is engaged
–– In illicit activity.
Nicole Kidman wanted to back out of playing Lucille Ball after Being the Ricardos backlash
–– In moment of Lucydity.
A Petition Has Been Started Asking That Will Smith And Jada Pinkett Smith Keep Quiet About Their Marriage
–– And media never mentions their kids again? Pretty please…
Sandra Bullock Recalls Silly Moment Doing Nude Proposal Scene with Ryan Reynolds: 'I Didn't Look!'
–– At bollocks.
Madonna calls out ‘friend’ 50 Cent for ‘talking smack’ about her risqué photoshoot
–– Madonna and chide.
Paulina Porizkova's New Lingerie Photos Will Make You Want to Admire Your Own Stunning Body in the Mirror
–– As you masturbate?
Jenny Powell, 53, stuns in swimwear as she tips ice water over herself
–– Which did tighten some wrinkles.
Martha Stewart Says Larry King Got 'Amorous' With Her On A Date
–– Popped a 'suspender.'
Former UK chancellor says the Queen asked him to tell Obama to leave a state banquet because she wanted to go to bed
–– With Michelle!
Prince Harry and Prince Charles Are Allegedly Speaking Again
–– After he’s done chatting with Prince Philip.
Lira crash slams Turkey's factories, farmers and retailers
–– Particularly Turkey farmers.
Human rights groups decry $18B arms deal between France, UAE over war crimes in Yemen
–– Dassault on decency.
For luxury brands such as Dior, Chanel and Armani, Dubai shows its importance, having reopened early after the Covid-19 pandemic
–– Let them all bake in that hell.
This Carpenter’s Thumb Got Cut Off in Dubai. He Flew to India to Get it Fixed.
–– Thumbed ride home.
Review Finds No Answers to Mystery of Havana Syndrome
–– Conclusion it was 'all in their heads' was meant to be 'descriptive rather than pejorative.'
Taliban release decree saying women must consent to marriage
–– Or can just ask their Imam.
Iraq’s mighty rivers Tigris and Euphrates ‘will soon run dry’
–– Crescent suffers infertility.
Burger King is returning the Whopper to its original price
–– And returning to 100% rat meat.
Alabama’s ancient coal swamps were a hot, sticky mess of giant trees and massive insects
–– Or same as State today.
WTA does the right thing in standing up to China over Peng Shuai
–– Back-handed compliment.
USC fans chant 'F--- the Mormons' during game against BYU, school apologizes
–– ‘And their Sister Wives.’
Mets pitcher Max Scherzer says pressure of playing in New York 'is a privilege, not a problem'
–– And he can afford best counseling if it becomes one.
MLB, MLBPA fail to reach new labor agreement; league in 1st lockout since 1990
–– Took lot of balls to call them out.
Rob Gronkowski says Tom Brady helped him quit processed sugar, and he believes that's one reason he's still playing at the top of his game
–– Did replace with methamphetamine.
Tom Brady Shares What Gisele Bündchen Thinks About His Son Jack Following in His Footsteps
–– Bucs trend?
Brent Musburger: Jon Gruden's career was ended by a 'paid assassin'
–– He's frank nutty.
Smoke-tainted California grapes find new life as vodka
–– So-called 'cough medicine.'
FedEx driver dumped packages at least 6 times into Alabama ravine, sheriff says
–– In effort to fill in unsightly hole.
USC student tweeted ‘kill every motherf----ing Zionist.’ Zionist faculty are unhappy with USC’s response.
–– Blow through Stop Zion.
A Synagogue Feud Spills Into Public View: ‘Only Room for One Rabbi’
–– ‘…Mother----er!’
Woman’s French bulldog stolen at gunpoint by two men in Oakland
–– After surrendering baguette in jaws.
You be the judge: should my girlfriend spend less money on her cats?
–– Or this pussy?
Video of dog "guarding potato" splits opinion online: "Not funny"
–– Leaves geniuses spuddering.
The Toddler Was Bowlegged, Her Gait Awkward. What Was It?
–– A toddler, you said.
Mark Cuban buys entire, empty, town of Mustang, Texas
–– Notes, ‘Wild horses couldn’t drag me away.’
Charlie Munger says he wishes cryptocurrencies had 'never been invented' and admires China for banning them
–– Munger: his many opinions.
A top Chinese ride-hailing company delists from the NYSE just months after its IPO
–– Aww, we really feel for US investors denied opportunity to fling money at Didi Chuxing.
’Flash mob’ robberies roiling U.S. retailers, traumatizing workers
–– Especially when thieves are naked from waist down.
Jeffrey Epstein funded a 'scholarship lodge' where he visited the campus of a teen summer camp and boarding school
–– Promised semester as a 'broad.'
Ghislaine Maxwell Brought Strict Rules to Epstein Home, Ex-Employee Says
–– And dressed like dominatrix, yeah, yeah, we know.
Accuser who testified Ghislaine Maxwell and Jeffrey Epstein sexually abused her for years says she was on a flight with Prince Andrew and met Trump
–– And realized 'Epstein isn't the worst human being on the planet.'
Ron Jeremy Gets New May 2 Trial Date in Los Angeles County Rape Case
–– Porn to be wild.
Audio Revealed from When Josh Duggar Learned He Was Being Investigated for Child Pornography
–– Can be heard saying, 'I was, uh, practicing my math skills –– I got to 19 kids and counting.'
‘I will forever be sorry': Alice Sebold apologizes to man exonerated in her 1981 rape case
–– Lucky Anthony Broadwater.
Social Media Slams ‘Lovely Bones’ Author’s Weak Apology To Black Man Wrongfully Convicted For Her Sexual Assault
–– Have lovely bone to pick.
Waukesha parade suspect Darrell Brooks says he feels 'dehumanized,' 'demonized' in first jailhouse interview
–– Sometimes it’s hard to know who the real victim is.
Waukesha suspect Darrell Brooks told judge he couldn't pay child support because he ‘was getting incarcerated'
–– Deadbeat dead beater.
Chilling Videos, Journal Found as Parents Face Scrutiny in Michigan School Shooting
–– Son a clip off the old Glock.
After Michigan Killings, Students Praised Shooter Drills. But Do They Really Work?
–– Only when offered as alternative to PE.
Man convicted in the murder of Michael Jordan’s father gets boost from NC appeals court
–– Promises seat pillows if called to stand.
A 13-year-old boy made and trafficked ‘ghost guns,’ authorities say, and then killed his sister with one
–– Branching out to ghost siblings.
Elizabeth Holmes Testifies That Sunny Balwani Abused Her And It 'Impacted Everything'
–– ‘Since I was fed this strategy by my defense team.’
Man testifies Smollett recruited him, brother to fake attack
–– For Punch and Jussie show.
The Ship’s Captain Died at Sea. Six Months Later, His Body Was Still in the Freezer.
–– Cook relieved canned goods held out.
‘We’re Now In A Society Where Looting Is Incentivized,’ Says Man Who Left San Francisco For Safety Reasons
–– Doorbuster deal.
Dad Of 11 With Crocodile And Snake Says He Can't Find A Home To Rent Because Of Tattoos
–– Definitely sounds like tats are problem.
Maryland homeowners burned down their home while attempting to rid the house of snakes
–– Did enjoy delicious shé gēng.
Four injured as old bomb explodes near train station in German city of Munich
–– Talk about blast from the past.
Doyle Hamm, Who Survived a Bungled Execution, Dies in Prison at 64
–– Hamm on wry.
This 30-pound eagle would take down 400-pound prey and dig through their organs
–– When feeling peckish.
This prized parrot is in peril from pet poachers
–– And horrid headline hacks.
Review: Sexy, satirical and spiritual, ‘Benedetta’ shows a lesbian nun’s life is not so wimple
–– Writing cringey headlines habit-forming.
An 'island has emerged': Coastal species discovered thriving on Great Pacific Garbage Patch, scientists say
–– Can Six-Pack Ring Spa & Resort be far behind?
U.S. is top contributor to plastic waste, report shows
–– In wastin' hemisphere.
A blizzard warning is in effect for Hawaii as the lower 48 contends with a snow drought
–– In this week’s Mother Nature Does the Darnedest Things.
Lara Logan compares Fauci to Nazi doctor
–– Displays Mengele retardation.
Anti-Defamation League and Auschwitz Museum condemn Fox host for comparing Fauci to Nazi doctor who performed medical experiments at death camp
–– Wonder which mad doctor did her brain work.
Germany locks down unvaccinated people, as leaders plan to make shots compulsory
–– Can’t use their Vaxwagens.
As vaccine mandates move forward, 1 in 4 Republicans say they will never get shot
–– Unless kids get into their unlocked gun cabinets.
Moderna says Omicron represents a "significant potential risk" to vaccine and natural-induced immunity
–– In case you were in any way enjoying your meal.
White House announces new aggressive steps to combat COVID-19
–– And promises to block future use of 'tough names' like Upsilon.
These urologists are setting the record straight about penises and COVID
–– Is not core boner virus?
Murders Increased During the Pandemic, and the Percentage Solved by the N.Y.P.D. Plunged
–– Helping hands culling herd.
Philadelphia 76ers star Joel Embiid on bout with Covid-19: 'I really thought I wasn't going to make it'
–– Felt life dribbling away.
Marcus Lamb, a Christian Broadcaster and Vaccine Skeptic, Dies of Covid
–– Sacrificial Lamb?
Jacqueline Avant, Philanthropist and Wife of Music Producer Clarence Avant, Is Fatally Shot
–– Avant gawd!
Virgil Abloh, artistic director for Louis Vuitton and Off-White founder, dies of cancer at 41
–– A low Abloh.
Antony Sher, celebrated actor on stage and screen, dies aged 72
–– Sher did.
