Bitch to Nowhere
Week of 06/25/21
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Biden and Senators Reach Broad Infrastructure Deal
–– Now broad needs to agree.
Ammon Bundy announces run for Idaho governor
–– Slogan: At Least I'm Not Ted.
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez slams the lack of diversity in an all-white group of lawmakers who drafted a bipartisan infrastructure deal
–– Not enough brown outs, black tops?
Lindsey Graham says he won't be 'extorted by liberal Democrats' over infrastructure deal
–– ‘Unless they let me drill ‘em new tunnels.”
Senate Republicans block signature Democratic election bill in key test vote
–– That should be Democratic as in Democracy.
Democrats secure Manchin's support on key test vote, but election bill still on track to fail amid GOP opposition
–– Once he was sure it would tank.
The real reason Republicans are blocking voting rights legislation
–– Not to keep Democrats from winning?
Michigan GOP Probe Finds No Evidence of Widespread Fraud in 2020 Election
–– And rampant stupidity in party-controlled state senate.
Why Kyrsten Sinema's fears about a post-filibuster GOP may be exaggerated
–– Sinema of credulity.
For Biden, confronting Putin may have been easier than dealing with Republicans back in Washington
–– They come up past his chin.
Biden lays out plan to combat gun violence in the US, calls for a 'zero tolerance' approach to take on rogue gun dealers
–– And 'zero action' on licensed merchants of death.
Biden to oust Trump-appointed Fannie-Freddie regulator after Supreme Court ruling
–– Will regulate Fannie right out of office.
California Democrat suggests Catholic church should be stripped of tax-exempt status if it denies Biden communion
–– For Host of reasons.
House Judiciary advances sweeping legislation to rein in and break up Big Tech
–– Congresspeople will send threatening AOL emails via their dial-up modems.
The collapsed Florida condo was part of a 2015 lawsuit where a resident complained the outer walls weren't being properly maintained
–– Landlords did condo minimum.
The White House had no plans in place to swear in VP Mike Pence if Trump became too ill or died of COVID-19, book says
–– Headline could end after word ‘plans.’
Where another Trump presidency could take America
–– Same place as Charon the ferryman.
Trump denies asking if DOJ and FEC could probe 'SNL' and says the only person who 'had what it took' to imitate him was Darrell Hammond
–– Mental illness.
New York Times: Trump White House aides drafted proclamation on Insurrection Act amid Floyd protests
–– Insurrectile dysfunction.
Top US general rejected Trump suggestions military should 'crack skulls' during protests last year, new book claims
–– With troops with crack in skulls.
He’s been Trump's tight-lipped accountant for decades. As New York prosecutors close in, will he keep quiet?
–– Or can they remove Trump's 'Don Jr.' from his mouth?
Dick Cheney warned his daughter Rep. Liz Cheney on January 6 that she might not be safe after seeing Trump attack her before the Capitol riot, report says
–– Liz and dick.
Meet Matthew Calamari, a loyal Trump employee of 40 years reportedly under scrutiny in the Trump Organization investigation
–– See if he can wriggle out of that.
Trump and Bill O'Reilly are charging $7,500 for VIP tickets to their 'fun, fun, fun' speaking tour in Texas and Florida
–– At least 3 funs too many.
Samantha Bee rips apart Ron DeSantis: ‘You’re one of the worst governors in Florida history’
–– Shelling Bee.
Rudy Giuliani suspended from practicing law in New York state
–– Disease and desist.
California Gov. Gavin Newsom to face recall election
–– California reamin’.
Former police officer Eric Adams close to winning NYC mayoral race as ranked-choice votes are tallied
–– Pleasing rank and defiled.
Derek Chauvin sentenced to 22.5 years in death of George Floyd
–– Got 6 months off for Klan behavior.
Why Police Have Been Quitting in Droves in the Last Year
–– Rats travel in packs.
Unanimous Vote Is Final Step Toward Removing Roosevelt Statue
–– Teddy borne.
Frenchwoman who killed abusive husband walks out free after sentencing
–– There's your femme fatale.
US intelligence community releases long-awaited UFO report
–– Unidentified flying source of debate.
Saudi Operatives Who Killed Khashoggi Received Paramilitary Training in U.S.
–– And knife skills at Culinary Institute of America.
He inspired an Oscar-nominated film. Now, he could face life in prison
–– Really makes you Rwanda.
Wolfgang Puck opens up about abusive father and mental health in new documentary: 'Finding a mentor is really the most important thing'
–– Was motherpucker.
Rembrandt masterpiece thought lost is found after falling off wall
–– What, couldn't see it against chiarascuro wallpaper?
Tiffany Haddish shows off toned abs in bikini photos: ‘Ok u showing out now!’
–– Given flabby praise.
Jana Kramer says there's 'no shame' in wanting to change your body after getting breast augmentation
–– She’s busted.
Ashley Graham is championing body positivity this summer: 'It's hot out there and so are you'
–– ‘You sweat hog you!’
Jameela Jamil doesn’t have a full-length mirror in her house: ‘I’m trying to take back ownership of my body’
–– Pawned it on
Cuup bras are all over Instagram, so we tested them ourselves
–– Not our Cuup of teat.
Solange Knowles looks like a ‘queen’ in black lingerie
–– Nefertitty?
Billie Eilish apologizes after video surfaces of singer mouthing racial slur
–– Cleaned own mouth out with soap, water.
Britney Spears Quietly Pushed for Years to End Her Conservatorship
–– Diss a’ Spears.
Quentin Tarantino Tells Bill Maher He Still Plans To Retire After His Next Film & Has Considered (And Dismissed) A ‘Reservoir Dogs’ Reboot
–– Considering one confirms it's time to.
Vin Diesel explains that beef with Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson
–– ‘We’re both slabs of meat.’
Vin Diesel says the late Paul Walker sent John Cena to him for 'F9'
–– Only someone braindead would.
Liam Neeson Reveals "Dear, Departed Wife" Natasha Richardson’s Ultimatum About James Bond Role
–– Liam and let die.
Abigail Disney: Executives would rather be shot than fly first class
–– Scrooge McDuck: ‘Uncle Walt would’ve shot you, commie nut!’
“Loki" Episode 3 Confirms Loki is Bisexual and the First LGBTQ+ Marvel Cinematic Universe Character
–– Bifrost bridge.
Transgender runner CeCe Telfer unable to run Olympic trials due to eligibility rules
–– No no, Cece.
Miami federal inmate died after running into concrete wall, says union rep for guards
–– Made quite an impression.
Juneteenth menu at Atlanta Ikea angers Black employees
–– Swedish Meatballs and Collard Greens?
Michigan Cop Who Said He’d Kill Himself If He Had Been Born Black Fired Over Racist Comments
–– Why didn’t they just show him DNA report saying he was?
Top US Gen. Mark Milley told Stephen Miller to 'shut the f---up' when he said BLM protests were turning US cities into war zones, book says
––
Louisiana Woman Allegedly Hired Four Teens to Murder Her Ex Girlfriend’s New Boyfriend
–– Trying little too hard for Netflix true-crime doc.
NC developer accused of cheating investors also researched ‘killing your wife,’ feds say
–– A fella can dream, can’t he?
The WHO is being accused of sexism after saying 'women of a childbearing age' should be careful not to drink too much alcohol
–– Patriarchal bullies also caution throwing selves down stairs.
A mom who lost all her teeth while pregnant is showing off her beauty transformation on TikTok to de-stigmatize dentures
–– Chomping at the bit.
Nick Cannon's 4th child in less than a year appears to be confirmed by Alyssa Scott's Father's Day tribute
–– Cannon father.
‘Redneck Rave’ Descends Into Throat Slashing, Impalements, and Mass Arrests
–– So ‘Rave’?
The Dippin' Dots CEO is being sued by his ex, who claims he used her nudes to blackmail her in a bitter custody fight over their dog
–– Dickin’ dots.
Jerry Seinfeld to Direct, Produce and Star in Pop-Tart Origin Story ‘Unfrosted’ for Netflix
–– Turn up toast.
California trucker steals 42,000 pounds of pistachios, leads to discovery of possible nut-smuggling ring
–– Authorities left holding nut sacks.
Poor sleep linked to dementia and early death, study finds
–– Nodded out after ‘Poor.’
’Had to square up with him': Woman describes bear encounter in Alaskan woods
–– How much you owe him?
Stray dog is unrecognizable after 6 pounds of hair is removed
–– Who recognized him before?
I’ve Cracked Zodiac, a French Engineer Says. Online Sleuths Are Skeptical.
–– Well, you're obviously cracked.
University warns against using 'oppressive' language such as ‘picnic,' ‘killing it,’ 'rule of thumb,' and ‘walk-in’
–– Uni tards.
When an Eel Climbs a Ramp to Eat Squid From a Clamp, That’s a Moray
–– When a headline’s too punny, It ain’t ever funny, that’s a moron.
Aliens could be listening to us from 29 ‘potentially habitable’ planets
–– Sorry we’re listening to you on this one.
Candidate allegedly threatens opponent's life in recorded call
–– Began: 'Hi, you might be a winner!'
Turmoil erupts in school district after claims that critical race theory and transgender policy are being pushed
–– Leftward ho!
Bidens’ dog Champ dies 'peacefully at home,' president and first lady say
––‘Brother’ Major nips handler in tribute.
U.S. Sued After 150 Fenced Tule Elk Die In California Drought
–– By BPOE.
The Nigerian priest saving Igbo deities from the bonfires
–– Big 'Ohhh.'
Russians detained in Chad desert say they are tourists
–– ‘We are coming to see peacefully your beautiful Saharan sands. Those were rebel troop we see in binoculars? We were thinking they weres camels in distance.’
Hong Kong's first trial under national security law starts without jury
–– And absolutely no justice.
Hong Kong's pro-democracy Apple Daily newspaper publishes final edition after Beijing crackdown
–– Cut the cored.
Prince Harry Reportedly Decided To Do the Oprah Interview After He Was Stripped of His Military Titles
–– And queen took away ceremonial plastic sword.
Kate Middleton and Princess Diana’s Go-To Superga Sneakers Are on Sale for Prime Day
–– Supergaga?
Meghan Markle Reminds Us With 'The Bench' Why We Need Royal Representation Beyond Kate Middleton
–– Yeah, like two-toned high tops.
Harry and William to Put on ‘Carefully Choreographed Show of Unity’ at Diana’s Statue Unveiling
–– Pas de Duh!
Prince of Wales gave Duke and Duchess of Sussex a ‘substantial sum’ to start new life
–– Exact quote: 'What will it bloody take to make you go away?!'
Meghan and Harry's Son Archie May Never Be a Prince, but Thanks to His Parents, He Also Won't Be 'Earl of Dumbarton'
–– Too close to Dumbarse, Harry’s childhood nickname.
A GB News anchor is taking a break -- just two weeks after the channel's debut
–– Drops his anchor.
New Alan Turing £50 note enters circulation
–– Not his own bitcoin?
‘Let me give you a flash': Hear Dr. Fauci fire back at critics
–– Drops trou, reveals ‘syringe’.
Anthony Fauci was hosed down, naked, 'in what looked like a kiddy pool' after being mailed mysterious white powder
–– In unrelated events.
Inside the extraordinary effort to save Trump from covid-19
–– And inexplicable reason why they bothered.
A coronavirus outbreak hit a Florida government building. Two people are dead but a vaccinated employee wasn't infected
–– Tore off roof, shattered windows.
They Relied on Chinese Vaccines. Now They’re Battling Outbreaks.
–– You’d think if you’d invented it…
John McAfee found dead in Spanish prison after his extradition to the US was approved
–– Uninstalled.
2 years before his death, John McAfee posted a tweet saying, 'If I suicide myself, I didn't. I was whackd.'
–– He was wack alright.
