As Jim Crow Flies
Week of 03/26/21
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Biden: Georgia law is 'Jim Crow in the 21st century'
–– ‘I mean Buck Rogers was fine, but, c’mon, Jim Eagle?’
The Latest Artist Selling NFTs? It’s a Robot.
–– Latest buyer? Flaming a-hole.
U.S. civil rights groups sue Georgia over sweeping new voting restrictions
–– If you can sweep with an axe.
It's now illegal in Georgia to give food and water to voters in line
–– But isn’t ‘money or gifts’ more to point?
White House eyes tax increases on companies and the wealthy to fund infrastructure, setting up clash with GOP
–– Republicans whittle sticks to poke eyes.
Manchin calls for 'enormous' infrastructure package paid for with new taxes
–– Earmarks include indoor plumbing for West Virginia.
ICE Books Hotel Rooms for Six Months to House Migrant Families at Arizona Governor Calls Harris ‘Worst Possible Choice’ to Manage Border Crisis
–– ICE down hall.
Arizona Governor Calls Harris ‘Worst Possible Choice’ to Manage Border Crisis
–– Now that everyone from Trump Administration's gone.
Texas Democrat urges Biden to turn away “older teenagers” at border
–– Will personally check for body hair.
Pelosi baited Republicans by collecting positive news coverage about Biden's $1.9 trillion stimulus deal from their districts
–– Accused of being master baiter.
Stephen Miller to launch a new legal group to give Biden fits
–– Anterior Cruciate Ligament Union.
Joe Biden Reportedly Suspends Staffers Over Marijuana Use, Disregarding Previous Promises of Overlooking
–– Smoke got in his eye.
Biden's rescue pet returns to White House after more training for life as a first dog
–– And multiple drug tests.
US and allies announce sanctions against Chinese officials for 'serious human rights abuses' against Uyghurs
–– Their genocide hustle.
Republican National Committee Mocked for ‘Devestating’ Typo in Tweet About Education
–– Who thought they were litarate?
Defense secretary visits Afghanistan as US considers troop extension
–– Even he can’t believe they’re still there.
Feinstein says Senate should look at reforming the filibuster
–– Or ‘bilifuster’, but you get idea.
Trump says removing filibuster would be "catastrophic for the Republican Party"
–– In clearest case for abolishment yet.
McConnell complains Biden hasn’t spoken to him or invited him to White House since inauguration
–– Congratulatory bouquet he bought wilted.
White House press secretary Jen Psaki denies McConnell's claim that Biden hasn't spoken with him since inauguration
–– ‘Between the dementia and hearing loss, it’s tough to get story straight.’
McConnell’s No. 2 weighs future as Trump reshapes Senate GOP
–– From 3rd stall in executive toilet.
Hatch Act complaint filed against HUD Secretary Marcia Fudge
–– Fudge's facts.
Trump’s chief pollster explains why Ron DeSantis may be 'inheriting' Trump's role in the GOP
–– Just dumb enough.
Capitol Riot Evidence 'Trending Towards' Sedition Charges, Former Top DOJ Official Says
–– On SnaptChat, QZone, WeShat.
–– He's 'Zero.'
Trump continues to insist that Pence should have 'gone back' after the Capitol riots to overturn the 2020 election results
–– Missed gala ‘necktie party.’
Tambourine-Playing Ex-NYPD Cop Latest to Face Charges for Alleged Role in Capitol Riot
–– Assault with intent to commit a fa-la-la.
Sanders: 'I don't feel comfortable' about Trump's Twitter ban
–– We feel absolutely wonderful about it.
Opinion: A look inside the plans for the Trump Social Network
–– Peer into this cardboard carton full of snakes to get idea.
Former Trump lawyer and ‘fixer’ Michael Cohen says he learned about startups in prison as he pleads for early release
–– Isn't it time to call him 'buster'?
Treasure Hunter, a Satanism Expert, and Mike Lindell Fight to Overturn Biden Win in Arizona
–– After 3 jokes walk into a bar.
Sidney Powell Says ‘No Reasonable Person’ Should Have Believed Her Dominion Falsehoods
–– Gave Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Michael Flynn as examples.
Trump vaccine leader Moncef Slaoui accused of sexual misconduct, removed from medical company board
–– Warp seed.
Alabama tornado spared a scarf-draped cross as it devastated a Birmingham neighborhood
–– So Devil scared off?
Conservatives with high expectations anxious for Justice Amy Coney Barrett to show her hand
–– By giving Constitution finger.
GOP Sen. Ron Johnson falsely claimed Greenland only recently froze and now admits he has 'no idea' about its history
–– ‘Then why isn’t it Whiteland? I would move there.’
Atlanta shooting of Asian women was racially motivated, U.S. senator says
–– That settles that.
Atlanta’s suspect’s alleged 'sex addiction' isn't like other addictions, health experts say
–– Horniness, homicide not same thing?
Purity culture and the subjugation of women: Southern Baptist beliefs on sex and gender provide context to spa suspect's 'motive'
–– We’re trying to squeeze some lesson out of this besides sick bastards shouldn’t have guns.
Atlanta shootings present test for Biden administration as pressure mounts to pursue hate crime charges
–– Evidence: this ‘news story.’
Sen. Tammy Duckworth drops threat to vote against white Biden nominees after AAPI representation 'assurances'
–– Opposite of blackmail?
I Grew Up In A Massage Parlor. The Atlanta Victims' Children Could Have Been Me.
–– Knead to know?
Boulder shooter: Suspected gunman, Ahmad Al Aliwi Alissa, was bullied, anti-social and paranoid, brother says
–– So hate crime victim?
‘Very Anti-Social’: Suspect in Boulder Supermarket Massacre Was Paranoid, Brother Says
–– How about ‘very very’?
Twitter Says Calling Boulder Shooter a 'White Christian Terrorist' Is OK
–– Not allowed to use M-word?
Colorado suspect's family saw him fiddling with gun days before shooting -court documents
–– Couldn’t get any sound out of assault rifle with bow.
America has too many guns to avoid outsize gun violence, research suggests
–– Land of Supersize Me.
VP Harris tells the GOP to 'stop pushing the false choice' that 'everybody's trying to come after your guns' after series of mass shootings
–– ‘It’s just me.’
Supreme Court to discuss case that could expand Second Amendment rights
–– Why not just prescribe assault rifles as treatment for mental illness?
Just days after a mass shooting at a Boulder supermarket, a man carried 6 guns and body armor into an Atlanta Publix
–– To return?
An Instacart shopper believed he heard someone loading guns in a bathroom stall. Police arrested a man with 6 guns
–– And hellacious runs.
Ghost-Gun Concerns Prompt Feds to Meet With Firearms Makers
–– Ghost-victims should be top concern.
CNN ratings are dramatically down since Trump left office. The network lost nearly 50% of its target audience during primetime hours.
–– Praying culture war coverage will help.
Oakland will give low-income families of color $500 per month, no strings attached
–– Sale of bronzer goes through roof.
Toilet-invading iguanas among invasive species now banned in Florida
–– Must enter through bidets.
Police Shutter China's First Sex Doll Brothel, but Owner Says Clients 'Need' It
–– Users charge workers fake orgasm.
Police: Embattled NYPD officer fired gun at Atlantic Ocean
–– Winged bluefish, ironically.
Black Tampa officer protests termination for using racial slur
–– Where rubber meets the blacktop.
Fort Lauderdale officer sent sexual chats to a child. It was actually a cop, BSO says
–– They let kids join force?
People downwind of atomic blasts renew push for US payout
–– Not sitting on their three hands.
Pepsi's newest flavor has Peeps in it
–– Tastes like somebody peed in it.
Matthew McConaughey Addresses Speculation He May One Day Run for Texas Governor: "It's Something I'm Giving Consideration"
–– Won't if he truly gives office considertion.
Sharon Stone says she was duped into removing underwear for infamous 'Basic Instinct' scene
–– No eager beaver?
Sharon Stone says 'cancel culture' is "the stupidest thing I've ever seen"
–– And she’s watched own movies.
Suzanne Somers, 74, says she has sex '3 times before noon': 'Man, are we having fun'
–– Because they can’t remember first 2 times.
Padma Lakshmi, 50, stuns in blue string bikini: 'Living proof that age is just a label'
–– Indicating temporal decay, nearness to death.
Bill Maher Mocks Content Warnings for ‘Problematic’ Classic Movies Like ‘Psycho’ and ‘Jaws’ — Watch
–– Turner Class Sick Movies.
Jay Apologizes for Decades of Jokes About Asians: ‘In My Heart I Knew It Was Wrong’
–– ‘But my audience was hungry for laughs an hour later. So sorry!’
JAMA Editor Placed on Leave Following Racial Controversy
–– Purge JAMA party.
Barack Obama says pop culture teaches boys to 'excel in sports and sexual conquest'
–– Or both in Greco-Roman orgy.
Chrissy Teigen Addresses Illuminati Rumors Circling Her & John Legend After a Trip to Hong Kong
–– Illumine ‘nutty.’
‘Falcon and Winter Soldier' team on rebooted Captain America: 'What does it mean for a Black man to pick up such an iconically white symbol?'
–– Reboot or racebait?
‘The Falcon and the Winter Soldier' shows Marvel's 'WandaVision' wasn't a blip
–– Though it is more blop.
‘Falcon and the Winter Soldier': Georges St-Pierre Tells Us How Batroc Pinned Down Sam Wilson
–– ‘It’s make-believe! Sacre bleu!’
A billboard you might have missed in ‘Zack Snyder’s Justice League’ has a double meaning for fans
–– Because you were understandably napping.
Warner Bros. finds the only villain strong enough to take on Shazam: Helen Mirren
–– Betty White was busy?
30 years after 'If Looks Could Kill,' Richard Grieco reflects on young stardom — and the 1 blockbuster he regrets turning down
–– Looks at his performances did kill career.
CBS Extends ‘The Talk’ Hiatus as Sharon Osbourne Investigation Continues
–– Having trouble rewinding tape in VCR for thousandth viewing?
Sharon Osbourne hires security after getting death threats over allegations of racism
–– You’d think she bit head off bat.
Why Did the Dean of the Most Diverse Law School in the Country Cancel Herself?
–– FOMO.
Sean Young Says Charlie Sheen Stuck a Piece of Tape with the Word 'C---' on Her Back While Filming Wall Street
-– Cute?
Riley Keough says she completed 'Death Doula training'
–– Ready to duel, er, Death?
Sea-level rise is accelerating to its highest levels in at least 2,000 years across the Northeast, including New York City, study says
–– This’ll wet your pants.
Greta Thunberg Deadpan-Trolls Critics With Response To Shrinking Penises Report
–– Dumps cold water on them.
A Falcon 9 rocket making an uncontrolled re-entry looked like an alien armada
–– In states that legalized weed.
Something Huge and Invisible Is Making Nearby Stars Vanish, Scientists Propose
–– Theme of wedding will be ‘Something Huge.’
Netanyahu’s party wins most seats in Israeli election, moves within reach of securing a governing coalition
–– Embattled Cuomo mulling reelection gives hand and his is big.
A woman ends up paying $5,700 for a cup of coffee
–– Asked for extra-rich brew.
Missing woman found naked inside a Florida storm drain. How she got there is bizarre
–– Funny, sounds like most natural thing in world.
He Redefined 'Racist.' Now He's Trying to Build a Newsroom
–– By erasing ‘journalist.’
'Gogglebox' hit with Ofcom complaints after Meghan and Harry jokes
–– 50! Oh, dear.
Prince Harry says mother Diana's death 'left a huge hole inside of me' in letter to grieving children
–– Apparently in head.
Prince Harry Joins Tech Startup BetterUp as Senior Executive
–– Part of ButterUp strategy.
Marriage Certificate Proves Harry and Meghan Did Not Marry in Their Backyard as They Told Oprah
–– But did consummate union in flower bed ‘a little early.’
Zara Tindall gives birth to baby boy on bathroom floor
–– Should name Tyler.
Police drop investigation into owner of dog that attacked Freddie the Seal
–– Court papers sealed.
Police officers hurt, vehicles set on fire in violent protest in Bristol, England
–– In particularly energetic performance of Bristol Stomp.
Brutalist buildings aren’t unlovable. You’re looking at them wrong.
–– First need brutal beating to head.
Stolen 400-pound playground slide found in a child's bedroom
–– Next to 650-pound stolen monkey bars.
Lay off Ben Affleck – Batman is meant to be unpleasant and dark
–– Fire him? We agree.
Blue Ivy Carter drinks out of her first Grammy award: Check out her new 'gold sippy cup'
–– After Royal Taster makes sure it's preferred temperature.
Kanye West is reportedly worth $6.6 billion
–– Totally insane. And all that money!
Mrs. Doubtfire director says there is no NC-17 version of the film — but there is an R-rated cut
–– Real question: is there amusing one?
Steven Spielberg Enlists Seth Rogen to Play Filmmaker's Uncle in Coming-of-Age Drama
–– Unfunny, annoying stoned uncle?
‘John Wick’ Creator Says Studio Making Next Sequels Without Him: ‘It Wasn’t My Decision’
–– Wicked away.
Demi Lovato Breaks Silence on Overdose in Docuseries Premiere: "I Don't Think People Realize How Bad It Actually Was"
–– We assumed series was wretched.
One bacon rasher a day increases the risk of dementia, experts warn
–– Study authored by Dr. Porky T. Pig.
Letters found in an attic reveal eerie similarities between Adolf Hitler and his father
–– Appall doesn’t fall far from tree.
Railroad megamerger would create the first Mexico-US-Canada freight rail network
–– ‘Down the Mexico-US-Canada line, she’s a mighty good road, Mexico-US-Canada line it’s the road to ride…’
Facebook, Twitter and Google CEOs testify before Congress on misinformation
–– Or with?
Exclusive: Key House Republican says he won't take Big Tech money
–– Or ‘buy a MiniDisc Player or whatever gadget they’re selling.'
Man arrested after taking his toddler into an elephant enclosure at San Diego Zoo
–– Booked as ‘Dumbo.’
Giant Ship Blocking Suez Canal Could Take ‘Days, Even Weeks’ to Free
–– 1,300-ft. enema being constructed.
Piracy fears mount as ships take long way around Africa to avoid blocked Suez Canal
–– Suez who?
Wall Street’s march into China increasingly at odds with Biden’s tough stance
–– Great Wall of Whiner.
‘Power for Power’: North Korea Returns to a Show of Force
–– Force of habit.
Six North Korean border guards defect to China 'due to hunger and fatigue'
–– North Korean Patton can’t wait to get hands on ‘quitters.’
‘People die or they leave': Putin fails in promise to repopulate Russia
–– ‘Or he kills them.’
Russia says U.S. rebuffal of Putin-Biden talks after killer allegation is a missed opportunity
–– Will get out shammies, try to buff again.
U.S. wages psychologicial war on Moscow - Russian defense adviser
–– Which is tough with crazy opponent.
Parts of Australia declare natural disaster during 'once in 100 years' floods
–– Searching for centenarians to confirm.
Spiders and snakes swarm Australian homes as they flee record floods
–– Government mulling program to provide critters tiny life vests.
Why Oumuamua, the Interstellar Visitor, Looks Eerily Familiar
–– We’ve watched too much sci-fi.
Royals say they may consider appointing diversity chief
–– A Welshman or something.
In City After City, Police Mishandled Black Lives Matter Protests
–– Blue losers matter.
A printout of George Floyd's toxicology report was found on a Black History display at Duke University, insinuating that he deserved to die
–– CNN spanning the globe stirring the pot.
Spring breakers flock to South Florida while some residents worry about another Covid-19 surge
–– Ones not drunk, high.
Miami Beach officers shoot pepper balls into spring break crowds to enforce emergency curfew
–– Cheddar with jalapeños, pimentos.
'It's become a tinder': Miami Beach declares state of emergency for entertainment district due to spring breakers
–– A swipable dating app?
Former Trump vaccine chief "very concerned" about GOP vaccine hesitancy
–– Waited long enough to tell us.
Is it ever OK to jump the vaccine line? We asked an ethicist
–– No, but fine to jump someone on line.
What Are We Going To Do?': Towns Reel As Banks Close Branches At Record Pace
–– How do you think crooks feel?
Justice Dept. has charged 474 people with trying to steal more than $569 million in covid-related fraud schemes
–– Caught larceny bug.
Becerra says government must reach people where they are to surmount vaccine inequities
–– Because people can’t catch bus to save own life?
World Happiness Report is out, with a surprising picture of global resilience
–– Coronavirus bursting with joy.
FDA will allow plant to ship Johnson & Johnson vaccine, which should boost supply of the single-dose shot
–– Audrey II, unfortunately.
Larry McMurtry, Novelist of the American West, Dies at 84
–– Lonesome, dove down.
Beverly Cleary, Beloved Children's Author, Dies at 104
–– Cleary loser.
George Segal, Leading Man of Lighthearted Comedies, Dies at 87
–– Where’s Poppa?
Kim Tyler, Child Actor on 'Please Don't Eat the Daisies,' Dies at 66
–– Ate poisonous daisy.
Elsa Peretti, Star Designer of Elegant Jewelry, Dies at 80
–– Strung out.
