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Undo Pressure
Week of 01/22/21

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Spoof of the film Metropolis with Joe Biden as a worker turning back the White House clock past 2016 and the Trump years.Biden to sign a blizzard of executive orders starting Wednesday that will reverse Trump’s policies
–– Which were equivalent of Nuclear Winter.

Iran Tweets Violent Threat Against Donald Trump
–– Get in line.

President Biden's executive order ends Trump's Muslim travel ban, outlines what's next
–– It's not Miller time.

Biden is ‘inheriting a disaster’ as coronavirus continues to grip nation amid chaotic vaccine rollout
–– Was 'disaster' Trump upgraded to 'calamity.'

The Biden post-election market surge is the best for a new president in modern history
–– Will see how long meth-fueled rally can last.

Biden says Trump left him a 'very generous letter' before departing White House
–– Didn’t spare any effort cutting out letters in ransom note for television remote.

Biden fires Trump-appointed labor board general counsel who refused to resign
–– If only he’d been in union.

Biden Cancels Keystone XL Pipeline and Rejoins Paris Climate Agreement
–– Mother Nature heaves small sigh.

Why Kamala Harris and ‘Firsts’ Matter, and Where They Fall Short
–– Enlighten us, O New York Times.

Biden lawyers remind Kamala Harris' niece that she can't profit off aunt's name
–– So-called Hunter Clause.

Joe Biden Only Follows 1 Twitter Account Not Affiliated with the White House — and It's Chrissy Teigen!
–– Just for half-naked pics, the ol' dog.

Incoming First Daughter Ashley Biden says she won’t be working in her father’s administration
–– Nor will he have cheesecake photo of her on desk.

Biden Removing Trump’s ‘Diet Coke Button’ From Oval Offie Prompts Jokes
–– Replaces with ‘Vanilla Ensure.’

Jill Biden, 'Professor FLOTUS,' honors teachers in her first official event as first lady
–– Inspiring YA title Professor FLOTUS & theUnderappreciated Pedagogues.

NYTs cancels editor after she tweeted she had 'chills' watching Biden
–– Sure it wasn’t COVID?

Protesters smash windows at the Democratic headquarters in Portland, Ore.
–– Cementing status as most ridiculous city in U.S.

Trump pardons ex-strategist Steve Bannon, dozens of others
–– Like pardon after sharting at funeral.

Joe Exotic fails to receive pardon from Trump as team waits with limo for his release
–– Had filled up at Esso.

Snoop Dogg Thanks Trump for Pardoning Death Row Records Co-Founder
–– Though it didn't help brand's cred.

Before leaving office, Trump extended Secret Service protection to all his children
–– And twice daily feedings for Eric.

Eric Trump says he will 'never forget Buckingham Palace' as family seen in tears at farewell ceremony
–– ‘Where Daddy lived these past four years. Especially the Oval Room.’

As Trump exits Washington, he tells modest crowd, ‘We will be back in some form’
–– ‘You ever see The Blob? Probably something like that.’

Trump draws disappointing crowd at Andrews Air Force Base despite hopes of massive turnout
–– Disappointing crowds is what he does.

National Archives to Make All of Donald Trump's Tweets Publicly Available
–– In new Humor Wing.

Pentagon REJECTS President's request for huge military-style farewell parade with crowd of supporters hours before Biden's inauguration
–– Would've been fine if they aimed at plane.

Saudi Arabia, MBS Brace for Biden Action on Yemen, Khashoggi Murder
–– Pre-massaging wrist in preparation for slap.

Trump administration staffers are getting snubbed while hunting for jobs
–– Are they checking Kremlin job boards?

Graham Hopes Trump Stays ‘Leader’ of GOP, Says Enemies Will ‘Get Erased’ If They Try to Oust Him
–– “Those nasty fellers, I’d love to take them in hand 'n' personally ‘rub them’ out.”

Trump Reportedly Discussed Forming New 'Patriot Party' to Splinter GOP
–– Really wish he wasn’t too damn lazy.

Kevin McCarthy: ‘Everybody Across This Country’ Is To Blame For Capitol Attack
–– Better be indicating Red States on US map.

The Boogaloos Are Pitching a Big Tent for Far-Right Violence
–– And all their bugaboos.

Parler's website is back online with a brief message to 'lovers and haters'
–– And lovers of haters.

Republicans call for unity but won’t acknowledge Biden won fairly
–– GOP: 'We commit to accepting each others hare-brained fantasies. You first!'

Prospect of Pardons in Final Days Fuels Market to Buy Access to Trump
–– For $20,000 extra you get guaranteed entrance to Heaven.

Tiffany Trump announces engagement on her father's final full day in office
–– President responds, 'Who?'

FBI moves on alleged members of extremist groups Oath Keepers, Three Percenters
–– Like a bitch.

Texas man who stormed Capitol accused of threat to shoot children if they turned him in
–– But lovingly.

‘I Let You Down’: Klete Keller’s Path From Olympics to Capitol Riot
–– Finally sinks in.

Missing woman is accused of taking laptop from Pelosi’s office during Capitol riot, FBI says
–– Bureau’s hard drive to get her.

‘Trump said to do so’: Accounts of rioters who say the president spurred them to rush the Capitol could be pivotal testimony
–– Must be reproduced in court with appropriate brain-dead robotic intonation.

Man who beat police officer says 'death is the only remedy'
–– Then he should take cure.

A retired NYC firefighter faces charges over the Capitol breach after texting his girlfriend's brother - a federal agent - a selfie from the riot
–– Because idiot didn’t have FBI Director Wray’s cell number.

‘My Pillow Guy' Still Hoping Trump Could Mobilize The Military To Stay In Power
–– Case stuffed with horse feathers.

MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell says products were dropped from major retailers after voter fraud claims
–– You made your own bed and you lie in it.

Jane Krakowski Denies Affair With Mike Lindell, Confirms Her Sense Of Humor
–– Never shared MyPillow talk.

Here’s Who’s Been Arrested From the Capitol Riot: ‘QAnon Shaman,’ Man With Lectern, ‘Camp Auschwitz’ Man
–– Mutant Ex-men.

Shirtless, Horned QAnon Supporter Says He Regrets Getting 'Duped' by Donald Trump
–– Bison’s remorse.

’A place to fund hope’: How Proud Boys and other fringe groups found refuge on a Christian fundraising website
–– Who Would Jesus Do?

Proud Boys leader Joseph Biggs arrested in Florida in connection with the Capitol riot
–– Will he end up in Biggs house?

Lindsey Graham Warns That Pardoning Capitol Rioters Would ‘Destroy’ Trump
–– Dully Pardon!

‘We feel incredibly betrayed’: Thousands of Guardsmen forced to vacate Capitol
–– 'Incredibly'? Even Guardsmen drama queens theses days.

Rudy Giuliani said he is working on Trump's defense for the impeachment trial and that he's open to the president himself testifying, ABC News report says
–– Adds, ‘He has no place to…er, nothing…to hide.’

Mark Meadows has earned his title of worst chief of staff in history
–– In worst White House for worst President after being top five worst Congressmen in worst Congress? Who’d’ve guessed?

Va. man arrested at inauguration checkpoint says he was lost; didn’t mean to bring gun, ammunition to the District
–– Insists he has no idea who put ‘all these crazy ideas in m’head!’, suspects 'Soros' people.'

Misinformation dropped dramatically the week after Twitter banned Trump
–– We have found Patient Zero!

MLK: ‘If we are not careful, our colleges will produce … close-minded, unscientific, illogical propagandists’
–– Amen, Reverend.

To understand Trump’s support, we must think in terms of multiracial Whiteness
–– Which isn’t a thing, but sure.

Pompeo attacks multiculturalism, saying it is 'not who America is'
–– Don't shoo until you've seen whites of his lies.

GOP Rep. Lauren Boebert gave Capitol tour to ‘large’ group before the riots, Democratic lawmaker says
–– She was on the casing.

Lawmakers who objected to election results have been cut off from 20 of their 30 biggest corporate PAC donors
–– Donor party cannibilizes.

Trump leaves QAnon and the online MAGA world crushed and confused
–– Or 'Unchanged.'

Republicans built up QAnon backer Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, but now are they afraid of what they created?
–– Greene grosser.

Twitter temporarily suspends Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene for election misinformation
–– It's not easy being Greene.

Marjorie Taylor Greene Files Impeachment Articles Against Biden
–– Tit for tut-tut.

Melania snubs meeting Jill Biden as First Lady-to-be unveils advisors
–– Snub knows special.

Melania Trump finishes with worst first lady popularity rating ever
–– Lady and the Trump.

Melania Trump outsourced writing her own 'thank you' notes to the White House residence staff
–– Though sentiment "I really don't care, do u?" heartfelt.

Apple CEO Tim Cook once gave President Trump a $5,999 Mac Pro
–– Which he used to prop Oval Office door open.

Kayleigh McEnany leaves White House after final two-minute press briefing following deadly Capitol riot
–– Only had time for final 24 lies.

Sen. Josh Hawley finds new publisher after Simon & Schuster dropped book
–– Hawley’s ass over to Regnery.

HHS’s Azar tells Trump Capitol attack could tarnish legacy
–– COULD!!!!???

Rand Paul Warns One Third of Republicans Will Leave Party if GOP Senators Back Impeachment
–– How base is base?

Trump reportedly began 'choreographing' premature victory speech weeks before election
–– With stylized goose-steps by Hermes Pan.

Kellyanne Conway Defends Trump Legacy on 'Real Time With Bill Maher': "You Can't Deny That Many People Are Better Off"
–– Dead ones spared rape of democracy.

David Pocock warns of devastating impact on sport if climate crisis inaction continues
–– Will pull the rugby out from under him.

Samsung heir Jay Y. Lee is going back to jail for bribery
–– Pronounced Jail Lee.

Navalny Returns to Moscow and Is Arrested on Arrival
–– Putin his place.

A notorious prison called 'Sailor's Silence' is being used to jail Putin critic Alexei Navalny
–– For Vulgar Boatmen.

Navalny releases investigation into decadent billion-dollar 'Putin palace'
–– Vegas Caesar would think it’s tacky.

Workers trapped in gold mine for more than a week send note to rescuers
–– ‘We’re rich!’

Over 760,000 pounds of Hot Pockets recalled, may contain 'pieces of glass and plastic'
–– Which actually improve flavor.

Spanish police seize more than 2 tons of cocaine hidden in charcoal
–– Was so looking forward to smoked chorizo tapas.

It’s 53% alcohol and tastes like fire. Here's how this liquor brand took over China
–– Need something to forget they live in repressive totalitarian state pretending to be capitalist paradise.

Archaeologists find 2,000 pieces of plastic at Iron Age site
–– Used by customers at Axes & More store.

Archaeologists Unearth Egyptian Queen’s Tomb, 13-Foot ‘Book of the Dead’ Scroll
–– Also available on Kindle.

Early humans used chopping tools to break animal bones and consume the bone marrow
–– Not… gulp!… human animals?

I Turned a Spare Bedroom into a Dog Gymnasium Using Everyday Household Items
–– Sad confession from Caninophiles Anonymous.

Stray Dog Missing Her Nose Rescued After a Year on the Run in Illinois — Now She Needs a Home
–– Nose stopped running.

Man Mauled by Three Pit Bulls at Kentucky Park Left ‘Pretty Chewed Up’
–– Was Bite ’n’ Bark Park.

Vermont Couple Shocked After Their Pet Chicken Hatched a Duckling: 'It's the Wrong Beak'
–– Report hearing quacks at night near coop, slurpy exclamations of ‘Sufferin’ succotash!’

Spotted and oddly striped zebras may be a warning for species’ future
–– On Twitter where critics are brutal.

99-Million-Year-Old Fossil Reveals Why These Strange Animals Glow
–– Eveready battery still inside.

Giant predatory worms lurked beneath the ancient seafloor, fossils reveal
–– Even 20 mil years later stuff of nightmares.

Owl Rescued After Two Days Trapped In Filthy Hotel Extractor Fan
–– Well, he shouldn’t have been spying on guests.

Bees aren't getting enough sleep, thanks to some common pesticides
–– Not catching Buzzzzz’s?

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Prequel Movie, Titled Wonka , Sets 2023 Release Date
–– Wonky?

Dakota Johnson Says She and Mom Melanie Griffith Both Got Their Belly Buttons Pierced When She Was 14
–– Mother innie law.

The worst movies every actor from 'High School Musical' has been in
–– You mean second worst.

The House Where Lizzie Borden’s Family Was Murdered Is Up for Sale
–– Price slashed.

Bitcoin owner whose story went viral after he lost his wallet password says he has 'made peace' with potential $220 million loss
–– Loss still ragging him mercilessly.

A man who says he threw away a hard drive loaded with 7,500 bitcoin in 2013 is offering his council $70 million to dig it up from the city dump
–– Promises he’ll transfer amount from iPhone.

Wells Fargo cut 6,400 jobs last quarter while posting a $3 billion profit
–– Remember poor guys paid out nearly $19B in government fines since 2012.

Colombia's rapidly breeding 'cocaine hippos' must be stopped, scientists say
–– Coked-up they shtup faster?

Barack Obama pays tribute to 'my love, my partner and my best friend' on Michelle's 57th birthday
–– Which one is she?

Spiritual advisor to Barack Obama and George W. Bush sentenced to 6 years for multi-million dollar China bonds fraud
–– Can counsel Trump once he's inside.

Actor Dave Bautista offers $20,000 in case of manatee scraped with word 'TRUMP'
–– Drax: his feat.

Trump to flee Washington and seek rehabilitation in a MAGA oasis: Florida
–– May be released back into wild with other manatees.

Spanish kings's former lover says he was behind threats to kill her over hunting trip scandal
–– And she was the prey, da-da-da-da-dum!

A seesaw for kids on the US-Mexico border wins Beazley Design of the Year
–– By up or down vote.

Before TikTok Inspired a Rising Tide for Sea Shanties, the Beach Boys Charted One of Their Own
–– Sloopy seconds.

Armie Hammer 'Genuinely Sorry' for Referring to Lingerie-Clad Woman in His Video as 'Miss Cayman'
–– Cayman, my ass.

Kaley Cuoco shares her 'gut-wrenching pain' after her dog Norman dies: 'You will always have my heart'
–– Sounds more heart-wrenching.

Kate Winslet Reflects on ‘Ammonite’ and Her Career, ‘I’m a Working Class Scrapper Who Got F—ing Lucky’
–– Did you ever.

Judi Dench: 'In my mind's eye I'm six foot and willowy and about 39'
–– Even her mind’s eye has cataracts.

Box Office: 'The Marksman' Takes Out 'Wonder Woman 1984'
–– They make out in back row of theater.

Ugandan President Museveni wins re-election in vote his rival says was rigged
–– Ha-ha, shithole countries and their screwed-up elections!

Wuhan lab staff were first victims of coronavirus, says US
–– First at bat?

Fire at India's Serum Institute kills 5, AstraZeneca vaccine output unaffected
–– May be served flambé.

Hungarian regulators approve AstraZeneca, Sputnik V vaccines
–– Second is effective, but may cause weightlessness.

All overweight D.C. residents will get priority for the coronavirus vaccine. Experts are skeptical.
–– Shot their wads.

The final U.S. county to get the coronavirus? A remote Hawaiian outpost and former leper colony.
–– Arms detached to facilitate vaccines.

I Work In A Coffee Shop In Montana. Anti-Maskers Have Made My Job Hell.
–– Real Butte's.

Generation of children have never played with a friend because of Covid, warns loneliness minister
–– Her name is, for real, Baroness Barran and that's how little blighters must be feeling.

Hank Aaron, baseball legend and former home run king, dies at 86
–– Hank’s out.

The Braves have resisted a name change, but Hank Aaron’s death renews calls for ‘the Hammers’
–– Don’t think they’ve quite nailed it.

Grammy-winning music producer Phil Spector dies of natural causes
–– Urn to be interred in Wall of Sound.

Phil Spector, famed music producer and murderer, dies at 81
–– He did sort of kill Let It Be.

Phil Spector Remembered by Ex-Wife Ronnie, Singer of Many of His Hits, As a ‘Brilliant Producer But Lousy Husband’
–– ‘And middling shot.’

Darlene Love, Singer of Many Phil Spector Classics, Remembers: ‘He Wanted to Control My Talent’
–– No Love lost.

Barbara Shelley, Leading Lady of Horror Films, Dies at 88
–– Was down for the Count.