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Q and A-hole
Week of 02/05/21

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Spoof of a Q-Tips ad with QAnon representative Marjorie Taylor Greene's head on the tip of a 'Conspiracy Swab' that Dinald Trump is about to stick in his waxy right ear.House ejects Marjorie Taylor Greene from committees over extremist remarks
–– Revokes Greene card.

No, Conservatives Shouldn’t Quit on the GOP
–– Let them go down with shit.

Republican Jewish groups condemn QAnon-backing ‘Jewish space lasers’ politician
–– Insist lasers don’t exist and, besides, were never intended for mass circumcisions.

Marjorie Taylor Greene suggested Ruth Bader Ginsburg had been replaced by a body double
–– Margaret Hamilton?

GOP Gov: Marjorie Taylor Greene Supporting Pelosi’s Execution Is Her Thinking ‘A Little Bit Different’
–– Like Aileen Wournos with brainstorm.

McConnell: Marjorie Taylor Greene's views are a 'cancer' for the GOP
–– His ‘rapidly progressive dementia.’

SNL skewers Marjorie Taylor Greene, the vaccine rollout and GameStop, reminding us that things are still very bad
–– Writing hasn’t improved in 45 years.

The Greene-House gas effect is toxic. Republicans won’t crack a window.
–– It is pure methane.

Republicans worry their big tent will mean big problems in 2022 elections
–– Filled exclusively with clowns.

House GOP Leader Kevin McCarthy says he doesn't know what QAnon is even though he denounced it months ago
–– After Trump he self-administers Neuralyzer treatments.

Trump quickly rejects impeachment managers' request for testimony at impeachment trial
–– The truth, the hole truth and nothing but.

Trump is so frustrated by his Twitter ban that's he's writing out insults and asking aides to tweet them, report says
–– Insults to those aides!

Eric Trump Fumes at Investigation into Financing of Family’s Golf Courses
–– But he’s always running on fumes.

McConnell slams Democrats for using the same mechanism to force through COVID-19 stimulus that he used to pass the 2017 tax cuts
–– Fulfilling his Hypocritic Oath.

Senate signals bipartisan support for more targeted $1,400 stimulus checks
–– As long as they're aimed away from Republicans.

Mitt Romney unveils plan to provide $3,000 per child, giving bipartisan support to President Biden’s effort
–– Mormons could buy them for less in Mexico.

Manchin, Collins Switch Sides Twice to Hold Senate in 50-50 Stalemate
–– End up in each others outfits!

George Conway believes we are watching ‘the moral collapse’ of GOP
–– It’s sunk final 6 inches.

GOP’sLauren Boebert Faces Third Democratic Challenger in Colorado District
–– Curly-Joe DeRita.

Trump resigns from Screen Actors Guild in rant-filled letter after they threatened to expel him
–– SAG. Uh, sad.

DC waitress reveals Trump team was tight-fisted with tips and exhausting to serve
–– Should be glad they kept digits to selves.

Virginia KKK Leader Gets Reduced Sentence After Driving into Protesters
–– While in jury box?

Biden’s new Pentagon chief purges Trump loyalists — including one who called Obama a ‘terrorist leader’
–– Makes them drink castor oil in prune juice.

In Biden's White House, surprise visits with staff replace late-night tweets
–– And trigger many rapidly-zippered flies.

Ice Cube to meet with Biden to discuss ‘Contract with Black America’
–– Is it on rocks?

Biden Administration Postpones Lifting Penalties for Accidental Killing of Migratory Birds
–– Wings it.

‘Who pours the kibble?’ And other answers about daily life for dogs in the White House
–– In latest slang for ‘dog gossip.’

Trump changes defense team just over a week before impeachment trial is set to begin
–– Contacts IMF.

New report says Trump was incensed over his former impeachment attorney's $3 million budget proposal - despite raising $170 million for his legal defense
–– Will need for illegal defense against foreclosure.

Lindsey Graham threatens to bring in FBI testimony if Democrats call witnesses in Trump impeachment trial
–– And who the heck wants truth?

Sen. Graham Threatens to Switch Focus to VP Harris at Trump’s Senate Trial
–– Or any other available black woman.

Trump’s Oval Office meeting with 4 election conspiracists spiraled into a chaotic multi-hour screaming match
–– aka ‘microcosm of presidency.’

Trump told Sidney Powell that the glaring spelling mistakes in her election lawsuits were 'very embarrassing'
–– Repeatedly referred to him as ‘my persinal saveour.’

Voting company sues Fox, Giuliani over election fraud claims
–– Showing ballot initiative.

'There is real teeth to this'; Legal experts weigh in on Smartmatic's $2.7 billion lawsuit against Fox News
–– Grammarians yet to review.

Jimmy Kimmel Pities ‘Poor Rudy Giuliani’ Over Golden Globes Nomination Snub
–– For Borat whack-on?

‘James Corden must be stopped at all costs’: Twitter reacts to chaotic Golden Globe nominations
–– At pre-ceremony buffet?

One month later, the Capitol riot has shaped the parties in vastly different ways
–– One looks like political party, other like Q-shaped pretzel.

Facing 'significant influx' of Capitol siege cases, DOJ issues 'urgent' internal plea for help to offices across country
–– Their cucks runneth over.

Jason Hyland, Who Allegedly Chartered Plane for D.C. Rioters, Charged
–– On Con-Air.

Capitol rioter 'Helmet Boy' arrested in Pennsylvania after family tips off FBI
–– Hard-headed decision.

Tucker Carlson accuses Bank of America of treating customers 'like Al Qaeda' as he reveals it gave the FBI details of every customer who spent money on hotels or AirBnb, flights and guns in DC around time of the Capitol siege
–– Or ‘appropriately.’

‘He’s clearly laying groundwork’: Hawley paves 2024 path
–– aka ‘fertilizer.’

Hawley Only GOP Senator to Vote Against All Biden’s Cabinet Nominees So Far
–– More of his shit.

Reps. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Jason Crow on trauma following Capitol attack
–– Should they be bragging about it?

AOC, GOP lawmaker and office neighbor trade barbs over Capitol riot
–– Though barbs don’t match.

Newsmax anchor storms off set when MyPillow CEO voices election conspiracies
–– Somebody didn’t get beauty rest.

Newsmax Host Is Now Sorry For Walking Out On 'Important Guest' Mike Lindell
–– Gets back into bed with him.

Issa stayed under the radar on dispute over Rep. Greene — until he got on the House floor
–– Can radar detect POS?

Clarence Thomas' wife apologizes to his former clerks for divide that developed amid fallout over Capitol riot
–– Did she drop note to Officer Sicknick’s family?

Melania reportedly called Donald Trump after every rally to tell him how ‘wonderful and great’ he is
–– Collect.

Inconceivable! Ted Cruz And 'Princess Bride' Star Cary Elwes Cross Swords On Twitter
–– Ignoro Montoya.

Dolly Parton Rejected Trump’s Offer of the Presidential Medal of Freedom Twice
–– One for each, um, side.

Bezos is handing over fronting Amazon, but not his grip on his creation
–– Because he’s not, as demonstrated, stupid.

Tokyo 2020 chief pressed to resign after saying women talked too much at meetings
–– Say no more.

Tom Brady Can't Keep It Together While Reading Mean Tweets
–– Ego deflated like game ball?

They’re nature's antidepressants': Kristen Bell talks 'Puppy Bowl,' rescue dogs and Super Bowl plans
–– If incessantly-barking Valium needed to be fed, walked.

What Happens To All the Adorable 'Puppy Bowl' Players After the Big Game?
–– Drowned in vat of Bud Light.

How to train your dog to be quiet despite doorbells, other noises
–– Just kidding, you can’t.

Can I Still Fly With My Dog?
–– If we split tab of acid?

Dog Saves Owner’s Life by Pulling Him to Cell Phone As He Suffered a Stroke
–– Even though it occurred in phone booth 3 blocks away.

Rambo the cat has eye removed after being missing for a month
–– Thought he lost it in Nam.

Harris TV interview in West Virginia provokes flare-up with Manchin
–– Stoked by coal, presumably.

White House reached out to Manchin after Harris' West Virginia interview
–– Added, ‘And the horse you rode in on.’

NRA Bankruptcy Lets Critics Peer Into Gun Lobby’s Inner Workings
–– Down barrel as it were.

Kremlin critic Navalny calls Putin a 'little thieving man' in heated court hearing
–– Poison of interest.

Biden demands Navalny freed and will not 'roll over' to Russia
–– Trump took it while on back or belly.

Aung San Suu Kyi: Myanmar democracy icon who fell from grace
–– Feels the Burma.

EU shellfish import ban permanent, UK fishing industry told
–– Musseled out.

Mexico's Sinaloa cartel built an empire on cocaine, but it's betting on another drug to feed US appetites
–– Crystal cocoa!

The GameStop stock situation isn’t about populism. It’s about whether the market is ‘real.’
–– That question is 'game over.'

Video Shows SpaceX Starship SN9 Crash and Explode in Fireball on Landing
–– For Musk haters everywhere.

Mars rocket prototype explodes on landing, again
–– Now we know what X stands for.

Astra, rocket startup that has yet to conduct a successful launch, is going public
–– Figure it can’t do worse than SpaceX.

Noise Pollution Interrupts Cricket Sex Lives
–– Well, their incessant chirping isn’t exactly Barry White for humans.

Rare 50 million-year-old fossilized bug flashes its penis for posterity
–– Talk about petrified wood.

Why don’t spiders bleed to death if they lose a leg?
–– Web tourniquets?

‘Falling iguanas’ weather may not wipe out invasive lizards but can make pythons easy pickings
–– If they’re hit on head by falling lizard.

Python Found Lurking Family BBQ With Belly Full of Chicken Eggs
–– Hard-boiled for chopped salad.

South Carolina Principal Takes Job Stocking Shelves at Walmart to Help Students in Need
–– ‘Having me away from school is real blessing to them.’

Mom slams popular toy after daughter's 'traumatic' accident: 'I had an out-of-body experience'
–– Wants refund for Depersonalize Me, Elmo doll.

Why Bulgari's Serpenti Design Is the Power Piece on Everyone’s Wish List
–– Asps with $1000s to blow on gaudy jewelry that is.

An NYPD officer is accused of posing as a 17-year-old to solicit pornography from at least 46 minors
–– 16 would've been way less creepy.

Melania Trump has hired staff and is looking for an office in Palm Beach to continue her 'Be Best' initiative
–– And offshoot 'We Worst.'

Feds charge woman allegedly heard during Capitol riot saying she was looking for Pelosi 'to shoot her in the friggin' brain'
–– Couldn't keep friggin' mouth shut.

Disproportionate number of current and former military personnel arrested in Capitol attack, CNN analysis shows
–– Ex-soldiers turning violent? Huh.

“A kiss of death’: Top GOP tech critics are personae non gratae after election challenge
–– House Republicans think that's baked potato dish with parsley, cheese.

Florida governor Ron DeSantis declares war on big tech 'cartels'
–– And get drug cartels to pay more in bribes.

Parler’s CEO has been terminated by its board
–– With extreme prejudice, which is their brand.

Pompeo slams Biden over 'America is back' foreign policy shift
–– Is that what we heard? Thought it was gnat farting.

Nikki Haley accuses Biden of 'snubbing' Israel, 'cozying up' to Iran: 'I really don't understand the logic'
–– Her own.

Kim Jong Un cannot denuclearize, former North Korean diplomat says
–– Can’t clear his little warhead.

The United Arab Emirates’ Hope orbiter is about to arrive at Mars
–– Which is like chilly version of arid, desolate homeland.

Dubai police tell British woman to expect a £100,000 fine AND two-year jail sentence for swearing at her flat-mate during WhatsApp row about their dining table
–– No f**kin’ way!

Syria Open to Talks with Biden if US Exits, Leaves Oil, Ends Militia Aid
–– or 'Syria Not Open to Talks with Biden.'

Syrian refugee sets sights on Bundestag
–– NOT another terrorism story.

Comedian jailed over jokes he didn’t make is finally granted bail
–– And can now laugh at punchline.

Turkish President Erdogan says there is 'no such thing as LGBT'
–– But can't explain why pictures of Ataturk make him hard.

Macron supports U.S.-Iran dialogue, floats himself as 'honest broker'
–– And 'un bleu bateau honnête.'

Here’s how Jared Kushner and Stacey Abrams got nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize
–– See that dart board over there?

11 soldiers at Fort Bliss in Texas hospitalized after drinking antifreeze, Army says
–– No trouble getting started at winter reveille.

Could We Pay Back The Earth For What It Provides? A New Report Offers A Roadmap
–– Does Mother Nature take plastic?

The Ocean Is Rising Faster Than Anyone Feared
–– Except surfers.

Part of Highway 1 in California Falls Into the Ocean
–– Sur loser.

World must switch to plant-based diets to halt biodiversity crisis, say experts
–– Then earth probably not worth saving.

Oil drilling on sensitive New Mexico public lands puts drinking water, rare caves at risk
–– Ohh, boo hoo, New Mexico public lands, you are so Santa Fey!

Smuggler caught with nearly 1,000 cacti and succulents strapped to her body
–– Police dogs pricked up ears.

Prehistoric teeth hint at Stone Age sex with Neanderthals
–– Mark kinky caveman version of bestiality.

Prehistoric bone etchings believed to be among oldest evidence of human use of symbols
–– Or whittling of Ur codger?

Archaeologists in Egypt uncover 2,000-year-old mummy with gold tongue
–– More eloquent mate with silver one nearby.

Scientists Are Testing a Mind-Blowing Time Theory in a Nuclear Reactor
–– With itsy-bitsy H-bombs?

A warp in the Milky Way linked to galactic collision
–– Research team videotapes celebration of discovery.

Texas Department of Public Safety Accidentally Sends Out AMBER Alert for Chucky and Glen Ray
–– Using system ‘child’s play.’

Eddie Izzard Completed 32 Marathons in 31 Days on a Treadmill
–– Sadly never reached psychiatrist.

Viggo Mortensen Calls Out Oscar Voters for Never Nominating David Cronenberg: ‘Inexplicable’
–– Maybe it’s History of Violence?

Wall Street Bets founder sells his life story to film production studio owned by Brett Ratner, who was previously accused of sexual misconduct
–– Tentatively titled Trader Dick.

Stanley Tucci says he has 'difficulty' with argument that gay characters should only be played by LGBTQ actors
–– Or can he go both ways?

Method Man's Wife on Wendy Williams' One-Night Stand Claims: 'No Amount of Plastic Surgery Can Fix the Ugliness'
–– She did say ‘inside her’, has she seen MRIs?

They’re Flocking to America to Make a Fortune Playing Video Games
–– Geeks flying in V.

Sam Neill Says Jeff Goldblum Drove Everyone 'Crazy' on Jurassic World 3 Set with Daily Suggestions
––Malcolm in the muddle.

This rapper got a $24M diamond embedded in his forehead
–– Plenty of space behind it.

George Clooney says he and Amal didn’t want their children to have 'weird-ass' Hollywood names
–– Rejected Cluny, Loony, Moony.

Evan Rachel Wood Alleges Former Partner Marilyn Manson Abused Her
–– And he always seemed like such a normal guy.

Dita Von Teese Addresses Abuse Allegations Against Ex-Husband Marilyn Manson
–– Whipped up about it?

Blake Lively says fashion designers couldn't dress her after she gave birth: 'It doesn’t send a great message to women'
–– Who really need to walk red carpet.

Nick Cannon, ViacomCBS Resume Working Relationship
–– Love hate relationship.

Idaho man wins lottery for the sixth time
–– Other 26 residents in state jealous.

Sleep on the job? Company offers $3,000 for 'Sleeping Beauty' to test out mattresses
–– $4,000 for 'Shtupping Beauty'.

House Dems move to yoke GOP to QAnon
–– Pretty sick yoke.

Former QAnon supporter to Cooper: I apologize for thinking you ate babies
–– Still pretty sure about bathing in blood to stay young.

Former QAnoner wonders if she put Trump above God
–– And Easter Bunny?

Time to double or upgrade masks as coronavirus variants emerge, experts say
–– Or just seal up nostrils, mouth.

U.S. Adds Just 49,000 Jobs In January, 'Not Anywhere Close' To Recovering Lost Jobs
–– Loss of statisticians makes it impossible to determine actual distance.

I've had my Covid-19 vaccine -- now what can I safely do? Your questions answered
–– We read: answer is nothing.

These 'vaccine hunters' are getting their shots ahead of schedule by gaming the system
–– They should see above, take a break.

Wisconsin pharmacist who destroyed more than 500 vaccine doses believes Earth is flat, FBI says
–– And thinks Wisconsin’s habitable for humans.

A steady stream of Latino students were arriving on college campuses. Then the pandemic hit.
–– And no one was?

Incoming CDC chief tells her family they'll be wearing masks for the better part of 2021
–– Will 2021 have better part?

Contractor admits he lied to get $40 million in N95 contracts from federal government
–– Didn’t breath a word.

Thai shelter for disabled stray dogs threatened by pandemic
–– When you know they’re running out of feel-bad stories.

An Idaho woman said she had no choice but to wear a burka 'like a Muslim' so she could avoid a mask mandate
–– Didn't cover this potato's eyes?

Christopher Plummer, Oscar winner and star of 'The Sound of Music,' dead at 91
–– Plummer: the depths.

Hal Holbrook, Emmy and Tony-Winning Actor Who Portrayed Mark Twain, Dies at 95
–– Reports of his death not greatly exaggerated.