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Trump's Tiny Prick
Week of 01/01/21

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump as Robin Hood on a beach cries, ‘Bullseye!’ while shooting a syringe with his bow that ends up in the nearby arm of a cross-legged Mike Pence wearing a face mask.Trump blames states as he faces criticism for slow Covid vaccine rollout
–– Jabber rocky.

Why Trump caved and signed stimulus bill
–– Because he’s Caveman.

‘Lower than we hoped': Trump officials ask for patience on vaccine
–– It’s only matter of life, death.

Biden criticises pace of Trump’s COVID vaccine roll-out
–– Roll-out of bad.

GOP senator to delay affirming Biden victory by forcing votes on Electoral College results
–– Senator Whorely.

Walmart apologizes to Hawley after calling him a sore loser
–– Meant ‘scum-sucking traitorous dog-reamer.’

Pence may choose 2020 election winner ‘as he sees fit,’ Gohmert says in court filing
–– Federal judge sees filing fit for trash can.

GOP Sen. Ben Sasse says he hasn't heard 'a single congressional Republican' dispute the election in private
–– Sasses them.

New York Post to Donald Trump: Stop the insanity
–– From tab of acid.

‘Irritated' Trump will skip his Mar-a-Lago New Year's Eve party
–– He’s been yanking that thing for 8 straight weeks.

With Trump a no-show, Mar-a-Lago guests left to party maskless with Rudy Giuliani and Vanilla Ice
–– In preview of Hell for deserving participants.

Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz just got engaged at Mar-a-Lago. So who is the ‘Luckey’ gal?
–– Stupide one over there.

John Cornyn Condemned for Tweeting Tenderloin as Republicans Block $2,000 Stimulus Checks
–– Steaks are high.

Sen. Pat Toomey pledges to block consent on $2,000 COVID-19 checks
–– Only instance where GOP believes ‘no means no.’

Trump outruns congressional subpoenas for his tax records — at least until after he leaves office
–– Signal achievement of Administration.

Gen Z Republicans see new era for party after Trump
–– Can go full Zombie.

Trump slams US fashion magazines for not giving Melania a single cover shoot while he has been in office
–– Gives ‘em Elle.

First Lady says she has no interest in appearing in magazines
–– Not even True Crime?

Trump reportedly wants to 'inflict as much pain on Congress as possible'
–– And ‘poor, dumb Americans’ in way.

Former Trump aid Omarosa said that she thinks he's 'going through a psychotic episode' over his election loss
–– His long-running series has had nothing but.

Republicans sue Mike Pence in 'desperate' last-ditch effort to overturn election
–– In latest slang for ‘pathetic.’

Trump supporter and Fox News star Geraldo Rivera said the president is acting like an 'entitled frat boy' since losing the election
–– One who is also serial killer.

Trump Slams 'Rigged & Stolen' Election, COVID-19 Relief And More In Wild Boxing Day Rant
–– Mostly punching own self in head.

Trumpist Lawyer Lin Wood Goes on Unhinged Rant Suggesting Justice John Roberts Is a Murderous Pedophile
–– QAnon compos mentis.

Wait, Does Trump Really Think He Won A Nobel Peace Prize?
–– Of course he did, year before he won in Medicine for COVID bleach therapy.

Michael Cohen says the associates Trump pardoned may now be forced to testify against him because they can no longer invoke the Fifth Amendment
–– Plead the filth.

Michael Cohen explains shout-out to prison pals 'Tony Meatballs' and 'Big Minty'
–– ‘I’m an effin’ criminal and dese are my peeps.’

Trump Appointee Seeks Lasting Control Over Radio Free Europe, Radio Free Asia
–– Pack rat.

Trump ally Devin Nunes’ defamation case against the Washington Post thrown out by DC judge
–– Humanity should bring deformation suit against Nunes.

Biden will issue memo on inauguration day to halt damaging ‘midnight regulations’ by Trump
–– Nocturnal omissions.

Trump hotel looks to cash in on Biden inauguration
–– With complimentary rotten tomatoes.

Stomach-churning’: Romans calls out GOP hypocrisy on the deficit
–– Threatens crucifixion.

Russian activist charged with trespassing for doorstepping Navalny poisoning confessor
–– Authorities said she should've sent poison pen letter.

Russia gives Kremlin critic Navalny an ultimatum: Return immediately or face jail
–– Or, if you prefer, we could just dose you with Novichok again.

Man accused of shooting brother-in-law while wearing Trump mask, Santa Claus hat and curly white beard
–– That’s terrible –– denigrating Santa.

Suspect Accused Of Shooting NYPD Officer In Back Offers Apology: ‘I Wish It Never Happened’
–– Meant to innocently shoot girlfriend.

San Francisco mayor says Harris’s Senate seat replacement is ‘unfortunate’
–– Because not her.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez should not challenge Chuck Schumer to his Senate seat as she would 'absolutely' lose, warns New York's top Democrat official
–– Would make Cynthia Nixon look like Reagan in ’80.

Fashion Designer Alexander Wang Accused of Sexual Assault
–– Took him the Wang way.

KISS Censors Lyrics, Blood in NYE Livestream to Dodge Strict Dubai Obscenity Laws
–– KISS off.

$400 for a Five Guys meal? Welcome to New Year's Eve in Dubai
–– Obscenity law doesn’t cover this?

Lori Loughlin getting out of prison in time for New Year’s Eve
–– When we traditionally see bail drop.

Lori Loughlin Had "Bittersweet" Reunion with Daughters After Spending Final 2 Weeks of Sentence in Isolation
–– From Big House to Full House.

Jeopardy!' champ Ken Jennings apologizes for 'unartful and insensitive' tweets: 'I screwed up'
–– What is gutless response, Alex?

Adam Gase declines to say he should be Jets HC in 2021 as players come to his defense
–– Like defending postitive COVID test.

Virtual Popstar Ki aka EyeAmKi Dubbed Tiktoks Reigning Popstar by Paper Magazine, Releases New Single Madam!
–– Ki the laughter.

Brexit is over as Britain finally severs its ties with the EU 48 years after it joined the bloc
–– With chainsaw that first passed through own neck.

Gemma Arterton speaks out on 'Quantum of Solace' role: 'As I got older I realized there was so much wrong with Bond women'
–– How about that Bond movie?

‘The Crown’: Behind the Scenes of When Camilla Ate Diana for Lunch
–– Was that in porn version?

Harry and Meghan put son Archie centre stage in first podcast
–– 19-month-old talks more sense than both of them.

From bat to bugs and squirrels to swans, the British wildlife that's bounced back this year
–– No wabbits?

Nick Cannon and Brittany Bell announce the arrival of baby Powerful Queen
–– Po’ girl.

America has an urgent need for Black doctors: 'It's hard to be what you can't imagine’
–– Even watching TV medical dramas?

My in-laws expect me to clean their house and get angry when I refuse. How do I make them stop?
–– Burn it down.

Robert Rodriguez jamming with Baby Yoda on The Mandalorian set is just the cutest thing
–– Grogu all ears.

Luke Skywalker Finally Makes It to ‘Tosche’ Station Thanks to Mark Hamill
–– If you get reference, reconsider entire life.

‘Superman’ Director Richard Donner Is Not a Fan of Today’s ‘Bleak and Angry’ Superhero Movies
–– Take lowest lane.

Margot Robbie Teases Her Upcoming Barbie Movie: 'Whatever You're Thinking, It's Not That'
–– Right, because we thought maybe half-decent.

Ant Anstead says he was in a 'very dark place' after split with wife Christina
–– Realized it was closet.

’Demon Slayer’ Sets All-Time Record at Japanese Box Office
–– Full translated title: Demon Slayer the Movie: Mugen Train and, yes, makes not whit of sense.

Paul McCartney lands first No. 1 album in 31 years
–– Get back to where he once belonged.

John Densmore Says He Owes His Rock Career to an Unlikely Source: ‘My Orthodontist’
–– Not Doorman?

Tiny Desk Staffers Pick Their Favorite Tiny Desk (Home) Concerts
–– Oh, NPR, you’re so wee!

Bollywood Remake of Korea’s ‘Blind,’ Starring Sonam Kapoor, Starts Glasgow Shoot
–– Will open exclusively in Antarctica.

From Complicated Romance to a Mysterious Writer, ‘Bridgerton’ EPs Break Down Shondaland’s First Netflix Drama
–– Breaks down entirely on own.

Lin Qi, producer on Game of Thrones creators' Netflix series, dies after suspected poisoning
–– In another failed pilot spin-off.

Alison Brie Recalls Hilarious 'Peeing Incident' While in Costume on Mad Men Set
–– Such a pisser.

Who Is Malia Obama's Reported Boyfriend? Rory Farquharson Is Impressive
–– aka Waspy Wasperson.

Nick Lachey Said He “Got Chills” The First Time He Heard Jessica Simpson Sing
–– At time was experiencing DTs.

Justice League star Ray Fisher says he won't participate 'in any production' involving DC Films head
–– Fisher just baiting him?

Trump administration approves $290m bomb sale to Saudi Arabia
–– Must be one Riyadhonculous bomb.

The Middle East Doubles Down On Oil And Gas As The UN Warns Of “Climate Emergency”
–– What else, dates and sand?

Kushner Cos.Plans to Raise $100 Million by Selling Bonds in Israel
–– After Jared spent four years spreading bribes.

’Erdogan should be very, very worried': What the Biden presidency means for Turkey
–– Turkey shooed.

Biden's National Security Adviser: Pentagon Hasn't Granted Meetings Since Dec. 18
–– Monthly about how often Trump got half-page briefing in 24-pt type.

A woman who parked her tiny house on her parents' property in New Hampshire was forced to move out after the local government said it was illegal
–– And ‘criminally silly.'

Obesity and Other Problems Barring Teens from Military Service Need National Attention, Leaders Say
–– Need fit fodder.

1st Female Green Beret Faces 'Minor Misdemeanor' Charge for Accidentally Firing Gun, Police Say
–– They're giving her another shot.

How do we stop deadly police bias, use of force? Start by hiring only those with a true calling
–– Priests?

Ancient 'snack bar' unearthed in Pompeii
–– Still tastes better than Kind Healthy Grains Granola Bars.

Ancient Pompeiians Stopped at This 'Snack Bar' to Feast on Snails, Fish and Wine
–– Everything char-broiled.

Manukura, the only white kiwi bird ever born in captivity, dies in New Zealand after surgery
–– To darken feathers.

Hopes for most endangered turtle after discovery of female in Vietnam lake
–– Who was swimming with turtle?

Why Are Dogs So Afraid of Vacuums?
–– They symbolize nothingness of existence.

Dognapper swipes adorable wiener dog outside UWS market
–– Where owner was ironically buying hot dog buns.

Jack Russell gives her life to save her owner, 10, from a wolf attack
–– Regretted lack of impulse control in last moments.

The Pandemic Made Cats and Dogs Fat for One Insidious Reason, Study Reveals
–– Plot by Dr. Evil.

This Detangler Spray helps keep pups' hair silky and smooth
–– And smells like bacon!

Oldest Ever Python Fossil Found in Europe
–– Believed to be Graham Chapman.

After Decades-Long Push, It's Not Clear Who Will Bid In Arctic Refuge Oil Lease Sale
–– Trump boys wishing they could afford to kill that much wildlife.

Unpacking the Drama Around Hilaria Baldwin's Spanish Accent
–– From crowd that embraces making up gender.

Hilaria Baldwin is confused by backlash regarding her heritage
–– Perhaps if tweets were in pidgin English?

He Was a Racist and an Anti-Semite—and a Serial Killer
–– In descending order of awfulness?

Authorities identify Nashville bomber, say his remains were found in wreckage
–– At 63, obviously a boomer.

Investigators are looking at 'any and all possible motives' after identifying Nashville bomber
–– From A (Asshole) to Z (Zany.)

Petula Clark stunned her 'Downtown' played by Nashville bomber just before detonation
–– Residents on street stunned, too.

Shia LaBeouf Was Fired From ‘Don’t Worry Darling’ Due to Olivia Wilde’s ‘Zero A–Hole Policy’
–– Twitter explodes, slams Wilde as ‘A-Holeist.’

Halsey apologizes for posting her eating disorder photo without a trigger warning
–– Microaggression Alert: This joke contains a potentially offensive reference to the morbidly self-absorbed –– We needed snowflake caution before even clicking on link.

‘Last Man Standing' star Tim Allen says filming final season was 'horrible' and emotional
–– Shows.

‘Wonder Woman 3’ Being Fast-Tracked Following Sequel’s Current $85M WW To Date; Patty Jenkins & Gal Gadot Will Be Back
–– Nothing succeeds like excrescence.

That Cheetah CGI in ‘Wonder Woman 1984’ Was Pretty Awful
–– Or ‘consistent with overall quality.’

Pedro Pascal Thought Starring in 2011 ‘Wonder Woman’ Pilot Would Change His Career, Then It Bombed
–– Nine years later, adaptation much worse, but a hit. COVID’s cool.

‘I'm still in total shock': How Kristen Wiig transformed into Cheetah for 'Wonder Woman 1984'
–– She really needs to see doctor.

Kanye West Surprise Releases New Project 'Emmanuel'
–– Only interested if it’s cantata celebrating Emmanuel Lewis.

Tiffany Haddish says she loves Common for not trying to dim her light
–– She’s starting with 20 watt bulb.

’Minari’ up for Golden Globes Best Foreign Language film, not Best Picture
–– Producers should be glad it’s considered in any category.

Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch sold to Pittsburgh Penguins co-owner Ron Burkle
–– Will populate zoo with panthers, ducks, sharks, coyotes, red wings, blackhawks.

British woman who pretended to have cancer and scammed friends into donating money for her dream wedding was sentenced to 5 months in jail, reports say
–– Expects job with Trump '24 Committee upon release.

Thousands in Colorado left without heat following ‘intentional attack; on gas service lines
–– Same perpetrators suspected of sabotaging quote mark.

2 brothers were separated in one of Saddam's jails. Now one believes he's found the other.
–– Ironically named Uday, Qusay.

FBI team leader: How I know the Blackwater defendants didn't deserve a pardon from Trump
–– Um, was it 20 wounded? 14 dead? Evidence tampering? Give us a hint.

What the #)$*#@)($ is happening with Bitcoin's insane record run?
–– Insanity?

190,000 ceiling fans recalled because the blades detach and fly off
–– Not cool.

Steven Soderbergh Working on ‘Philosophical’ Sequel to ‘Contagion’
–– Has germ of idea.

Trump reportedly lashed out at Kushner over increased COVID-19 testing: 'I'm going to lose, and it's going to be your fault'
–– 'What the dying don't know can't hurt me.'

Trump ‘did not want anyone tested for Covid unless they were in hospital and vomiting’
–– Ugh, test us now!

Thousands packed the streets to celebrate New Year's Eve in Wuhan, where the coronavirus first emerged, as other cities worldwide were deserted
–– Woo-hoo-han.

Biden warns that it'd take years for Americans to be vaccinated at the current rate and says his target of 100 million doses in 100 days requires extra Congress funding
–– No fair –– he can't use science and math.

Walter Reed doctor who criticized Trump's hospital drive-by works last shift after being removed from schedule
–– Driven out.

Rep Jim Jordan Schooled by Historians for Suggesting Founding Fathers Would Oppose COVID Measures
–– Punch-drunk History.

Wall Street minted 56 new billionaires since the pandemic began — but many families are left behind
–– Misery loves companies.

Jennifer Aniston sharing a pandemic ornament caused backlash
–– In latest slang for 'random tweets from losers.'

Chris Rock Says He Attends Weekly Therapy Sessions Due to COVID-19
–– Unmasks psyche.

The NYPD is looking for 6 suspects they say punched a woman in the face for not wearing a mask on the subway
–– To congratulate?

Liberal journalist slammed for 'ghoulish' reaction to GOP congressman-elect's death
–– What, threatened to eat corpse?

Yurts, Igloos And Pop-Up Domes: How Safe Is 'Outside' Restaurant Dining This Winter?
–– Order chilly.

Chinese journalist who documented Wuhan coronavirus outbreak jailed for 4 years
–– Trump weeps with envy.

The Bill Is Coming Due for China’s ‘Capitalist’ Experiment
–– Yes, National Review, brave independent entrepeneurs will hold their communist masters to account just like in Hong Kong.

In New Year's speech, Taiwan president again reaches out to China
–– Wants to help pay for ‘Capitalist’ experiment.

Israel delivers 1M COVID-19 vaccines to 10 percent of population
–– Easier when 20% of population Jewish doctors.

’Like a chisel going through your head': Greg Norman delivers graphic account of dealing with Covid-19 symptoms
–– Not like a 3-wood to temple?

How quickly the US lost 1 in 1,000 Americans to Covid-19
–– Administration owes a thousandth pardons.

Pierre Cardin, French fashion designer, dies aged 98
–– Let out.

Phil Niekro, Baseball Hall of Famer and Braves Legend, Dies at Age 81
–– Knuckles under.

Dawn Wells, ‘Gilligan’s Island’s’ Mary Ann, Dies of COVID at 82
–– Goes the Dawn.

Rapper MF Doom Dies at 49
–– Lives up to name.