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Clown Wars
Week of 01/08/21

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Donald Trump as a Confederate statue on horseback with the Twitter bird logo pooping on his head and the title Donald Johnson Trump: Hero of the Second American Civil War below.Twitter permanently suspends President Donald Trump
–– The schmuck stops here.

‘Coward’: MAGA internet turns on Trump
–– Didn’t they see him on ramparts?

Trump was deliberately 'trying to stage a coup' says his former White House national security official
–– Went as well as other plans.

Trump says his supporters will still have a 'giant voice,' won't be 'disrespected'
–– Two pathetic lies you gotta like.

McEnany tries to distance administration from Capitol riots
–– Now one inch from dead center.

Dems 'caught up in their own mob mentality,' trying to 'blame everything on Trump': Hurt
–– Comments this stupid do hurt.

Pro-Trump rioter photographed in Pelosi's office believed to be from Arkansas
–– Had little rock in head.

Six Republican lawmakers among rioters as police release photos of wanted
–– Makers or breakers?

GOP Rep. Thomas Massie 'glad' he was armed during Capitol siege
–– Massie hysteria.

Internet detectives are identifying pro-Trump rioters. Some have already been fired.
–– eLementary my dear, Watson.

Rioters Had Physical Access to Lawmakers’ Computers. How Bad Is That?
–– Thought laptops were TV dinner trays.

Newly elected West Virginia lawmaker who filmed himself storming Capitol building could face criminal charges
–– How could he not?

Meghan McCain slams 'scum of the earth' Capitol mob, calls for Republicans to invoke 25th Amendment
–– Papa raised McCain.

Trump's fans condemn violence, but they aren't about to blame him
–– Is media making fun of mentally ill?

Ken Starr: Shame on those suggesting 25th Amendment, Trump impeachment
–– Shame? This fraud tried to murder it 23 years ago.

Trey Gowdy: Republicans must figure out what they truly believe after brutal week for party
–– ‘Like mine is primacy of Belphegor, but to each his own.’

Trump announces he will not attend Biden's inauguration on January 20
–– Nation catches collective breath.

An 'angry' Pence navigates the fallout of his rupture with Trump over election, Capitol riots
–– ‘Angry’ that Trump restored shred of dignity by denouncing?

‘After all I’ve done for him’: Mike Pence reportedly stunned and incensed at Trump for inciting riots at US Capitol
–– Fears embouchure ruined.

Trump said to have told Pence 'I don't want to be your friend' after the vice president refused to block Biden's election certification
–– Wants back cock ring.

‘You did not win:' Pence lambasts pro-Trump rioters
–– ‘Even though I did my darndest to empower you for years.’

Graham criticizes Trump and Giuliani over Capitol riots
–– Flogs with tiniest, wettest noodle.

Trump's Education Secretary Betsy DeVos submits resignation
–– Spells it ‘resingation.'

Mulvaney and others resign Trump administration in protest
–– Retains jar of President’s spittle in case he feels need to lick.

‘I Stepped Down Because I Saw Where This Was Heading’
–– ‘Because we enablers were steering.’

White House's Kudlow not resigning, but taking vacation this month: CNBC
–– Cud, lows, out to pasture.

‘American Spring' Trends on Arabic Twitter as D.C. Compared to 2011 Revolts
–– And look how great those turned out.

Trump’s 'We love you' to Capitol rioters is more of the same
–– But there have been so few moments of honesty.

Fox News’ Ainsley Earhardt Defends ‘Scared,’ ‘Heartbroken’ Trump Supporters Post-Riot
–– Wasn’t hero’s professed love enough to comfort poor lambs?

Tucker Carlson: Why Republican leaders despise their own voters
–– They’re despicable?

Sarah Palin claims Capitol rioters were Antifa masquerading as Trump supporters
–– We claim that was Tin Fey doing obvious bit.

Trump supporters leave D.C. dejected, paranoid and with new theories about riots
–– Or pretty much like they came.

Isolated Trump reluctantly pledges 'orderly' transition after inciting mob
–– He needs orderly attending him in psych ward.

Violence on Capitol Hill Is a Day of Reckoning for Social Media
–– New Year’s resolution for NY Times: Retire ‘Reckoning’ until 2024.

Why Were Police Unprepared for Riot Incited by Trump — and Why Were So Few People Arrested?
–– And why did ones inside Capitol look like mall cops with cap pistols?

Former Capitol police chief shares thoughts on why officers appeared to let rioters in
–– In latest slang for ‘makes excuses for cowardly, incompetent idiots.’

D.C. Mayor says city 'absolutely prepared' for pro-Trump demonstration
–– Like Preparation H.

Acting attorney general calls the riots "an intolerable attack" on democracy
–– Actor does in Jerry Lewis 'Hey Lady' voice.

Facebook removes Trump's video to rioters
–– Great time to find spine with 2 weeks to go.

USA Today Op-Ed Rips Golfers For Accepting Medal Of Freedom From Trump After Riot
–– Ripped them new holes.

Gary Player’s son ‘shames’ golfing legend for accepting Medal of Freedom from Trump
–– Player of the white worm.

Blackstone CEO and longtime Trump ally Stephen Schwarzman says he is 'shocked and horrified' by the 'insurrection' that followed the president's speech, calls for a peaceful transition
–– ‘Shocked, shocked’ like Renault.

What China is saying about the pro-Trump insurrection at the US Capitol
–– Hard to understand between fits of laughter.

Woman shot inside Capitol pronounced dead, DC police confirm
–– Body caught up with brain.

Woman shot dead after armed Trump supporters stormed the Capitol as lawmakers gathered to certify Biden's win
–– Raising troubling question: why just one?

Lawmakers Call To Impeach Trump, Accuse Him Of Inciting Capitol Riot
–– Only real incite he's provided in four years.

Melania Trump and adult Trump children avoid the spotlight after one of nation's darkest days
–– I really don’t give f**k, do u?

“The Stink of His Family Is Nearly Impossible to Get Off”: Jared and Ivanka’s Final Chapter in Washington Demolished Their Future
–– Eau de Collude.

VCs want investors to stop doing deals with Jared Kushner
–– And just stick with Devil.

Ivanka Trump Accidentally Tags Singer Meat Loaf Instead of Dad in Tweet, Internet Eats Her Alive
–– She meant actual meat loaf slathered in ketchup.

The jarring, revealing video of Black men cleaning up the Capitol
–- Are they jarred by steady job?

Trump Pressured Georgia Official to ‘Find’ Enough Votes to Overturn Election
–– In latest slang for ‘make up.’

There were 18 attempted calls from the White House to GA secretary of state's office, sources say
–– Phone messages Trump left to be donated to National Comedy Center.

Nearly a dozen Republican senators announce plans to vote against counting electoral votes
–– The Dirty, Dim-witted, Anti-Democratic Dozen.

Cruz leads Republican drive challenging Biden win
–– Batshit Death March.

Hawley claims ‘Antifa’ vandalized his Virginia home. Not so, police and protesters say
–– And are living in its walls.

Publisher cancels Sen. Josh Hawley's book over insurrection; Hawley responds 'we'll see you in court!'
–– ‘Where I’m being tried for sedition.’

‘I’m going to be in your backyard': Trump sons threaten primaries for GOP lawmakers
–– ‘After prison I’m going to need someplace to sleep.’

Here are the Republicans who voted to contest the Electoral College votes showing Biden beat Trump
–– Hall of Sham.

Republican efforts to undermine Biden victory expose growing anti-democratic streak
–– Streak wide as the Mississippi.

Pro-Trump lawyer Lin Wood insists he is not insane after tweeting that Mike Pence should face execution by firing squad
–– What else does pro-Trump mean?

Dominion Voting Systems files $1.3 billion defamation lawsuit against pro-Trump election attorney Sidney Powell
–– Biff! Bam! Powell!

Kraken Lawyer Sidney Powell Is Being Sued for $1.3 Billion for Election Conspiracies
–– Releash the Kraken.

U.S. officials are reportedly privately worried Russia stole blueprints for U.S. blackout restoration
–– Remain in dark.

Ex-Defense Secretary Slams Trump's Hold On GOP: 'Maybe It's Time For A New Party'
–– Should throw huge bash on January 20th.

Trump to award Medal of Freedom to GOP Reps. Devin Nunes and Jim Jordan
–– After passing medallions through digestive tracts of hogs.

Lawmakers Condemn Rep. Mary Miller After She Praised Hitler During Speech: 'She Should Resign'
–– Heil be back.

As rioters stormed the Capitol, Trump was reportedly telling people he was glad Perdue and Loeffler lost their Georgia Senate seats, calling them not loyal enough
–– Failed the Election Kool-aid Acid Test.

‘Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell’: Democrats including Hillary Clinton and AOC rejoice over Georgia as Trump goes wild on Twitter
–– Kentucky-fried chicken.

‘Another Milestone in the Long, Long Road.' Rev. Raphael Warnock's Georgia Senate Victory Made History in Multiple Ways
–– Warnocked it out of park.

Georgia Senate election results: Jon Ossoff declared runoff winner as ‘militia gathers’ at state Capitol
–– Ossoff Wednesday.

Four takeaways from Democrats’ big wins in the Georgia Senate runoffs
–– Two Soul Food, one Deli, one Thai.

Kim Jong Un admits five-year economic plan failed 'tremendously'
–– Trump sent note suggesting he call it ‘greatest economy ever.’

Kim Jong Un Promotes Little Sister Again After Admitting His Economic Plan Is a Bust
–– Lil’ Kim’s got back.

Trump administration pollution rule strikes final blow against environment
–– Mother Nature hires Gloria Allred to sue.

In Final Blow To The Planet, Trump Hands Oil Industry The Keys To ‘America’s Serengeti’
–– Which sounds like Korean-made gas-guzzler.

China put blankets over a glacier to prevent it from melting
–– And fed hot tea.

Donald Trump's parting gift to the world? Signs suggest it may be war with Iran
–– But he’s already given so much.

New York air traffic controllers receive message threatening revenge for Iranian general's death
–– Warned they were flying QAnon fanatics into DC.

The Soleimanification of the Middle East
–– Do followers take Soleiman Oath?

Warming oceans may be choking off oxygen to starfish, causing them to 'drown'
–– Do have five arms to wave for help.

In Many Parts of the World, the Ground Is Literally Sinking
–– Where is it figuratively?

Scientists Are Hunting for a Mysteriously Missing Supermassive Black Hole
–– Geez, with mass between 3 and 100 billion Suns how hard can it be?

World’s most threatened orangutan species ‘in more trouble than previously thought’
–– Can’t quit banana daiquiris.

New discovery sheds light on the mysterious family life of notorious sabre-toothed tiger
–– Failure to brush led to sleeping separately.

Too Much Meat During Ice Age Winters Gave Rise to Dogs, New Research Suggests
–– Dogs still get rise out of meat.

How hardy crocodiles outlasted dinosaurs and survived extinction
–– Viagra.

Teacher trained 56 guide dogs, passed legacy to students
–– Who heel, sit, roll over beautifully.

Delaware Shelter Where Joe Biden Adopted Dog Major Hosting 'Indoguration' for Rescue Canine
–– Who moved there for tax break.

Furbo dog camera lets you monitor, talk to, and toss treats to your pet
–– And watch as he lifts leg on it.

This new harness lets military dogs parachute safely and with style
–– Shits the silk.

Could feeding your dog bugs save the planet?
–– But totally ruin your rug?

Man accused of exposing genitals to woman after she stopped to pat dog
–– Tried to throw bone.

Texas Man Allegedly Strangled His Dog to Death, Said It 'Died from Depression'
–– Well, couldn’t have been very happy.

Orange is the new 'block': Structure reveals key features that help block excess light absorption during photosynthesis
–– Orange hue clever?

This Tiny Flatid Planthopper Nymph Insect Looks Like a Walking Piece of Popcorn
–– There’s kernel of truth.

Couple obsessed with exotic pets share their home with 120 snakes
–– Both were House Slitherin at Hogwarts.

Banks Called Out For Their Role In Financing Plastic Pollution
–– Charged with plastic.

Woman's bizarre opinion about short women sparks fury
–– Doesn't measure up.

A former Blackwater contractor pardoned by Trump said he 'acted correctly' and feels at 'peace' for his role in death of 14 Iraqi civilians
–– Then murderer's cool with self-identifying as Evan Liberty.

Police officer pays for shoplifting suspects' holiday dinner
–– Cop sentenced to 60 days in jai.

The Nashville bombing suspect sent packages to people across the country containing typed conspiracy theories about September 11 and lizard people, FBI says
–– Newts to me.

Democrats propose ban on 'he' and 'she' and all gender-specific words in new rules for Congress
–– Feel they didn’t lose enough seats in House.

Mike Pompeo Pats Himself On Back, Tweets Made-Up Definition Of 'Swagger'
–– How’d he reach around that girth?

Trump chief of staff Mark Meadows ultimately convinced the President a mask mandate was a bad idea
–– Should've advocated for gag mandate.

Greta Thunberg celebrates her 18th birthday with a snarky tweet
–– And she aways seemed like such a sweet kid.

Tesla market value crosses $800 billion for the first time
–– Confirming suspicion there are way too many rich assholes in world. See below.

Tesla's Elon Musk Overtakes Amazon's Jeff Bezos as World's Wealthiest Person
–– Making him that much easier to hate.

This blanket-hoodie hybrid is the only thing you’ll wear this winter: 'Be ready to have your life changed for-flipping-ever'
–– Though even your pets will laugh at you.

Gwyneth Paltrow Promises to Swear Less in 2021 After Dropping F-Bomb During Promotional Video: 'Whoops'
–– But crappy face oil is too f**cking expensive.

Lamar Odom denies drug relapse after posting video of 'alter ego'
–– Altar ego: ‘Lamar’s high as f**k!’

The Burning Question That Drove David Fincher’s Decades-Long Journey To Make ‘Mank’
–– Should’ve been, ‘Why?’

WarnerMedia Says ‘It Is Time to Move On’ After Ray Fisher Says Studio ‘Failed to Bury’ Him
–– Did that himself.

’Shadow in the Cloud' Filmmaker Roseanne Liang Sets the Record Straight on Her Film's Writing Credits
–– Takes credit instead of blaming on mean Max Landis?

Even Arnold Schwarzenegger Mixes Up Chris Pratt and Chris Evans
–– But then he’s senescent foreign-born ex-juicer.

Ricky Gervais' wish to be fed to lions after death has been REJECTED
–– Public wants to see now.

Harry Styles and Olivia Wilde Created a “Loving and Warm Environment” as Their On-Set Romance Began
–– Wilde about Harry?

Peloton Instructor Ally Love Is Engaged to Longtime Love Andrew: 'Unexpected and So Perfect'
–– Soo weird her last name’s his middle one!

Terry Gilliam says Bruce Willis' mouth looks like an 'a - - hole'
–– Tongue in cheeks?

Laverne Cox Drops Out of Sex Work Film 'Sell/Buy/Date' After Outrage
–– Reached sell by date?

Influencer moms allegedly feuded over 'unique' baby name: Report
–– Baybi vs. Baby, baby.

Wheel of Fortune's Pat Sajak Says 'No One Was Better' Than Alex Trebek: 'He Was Terrific'
–– “Wh_t else would I s_y?’

‘Jeopardy!’ contestant nearly aces an entire 'Jocks' category
–– Scratched itch.

Twitter Rejoices as ‘Caillou’ Canceled by PBS Kids
–– No Yippee Caillou?

American Airlines changes rules for emotional support animals
–– Leaves passengers hangdog.

Shahab Hosseini to Star in Biopic of Iranian Physicist Ali Javan (Exclusive)
–– Quite the scoop.

Feds 'overpromised and underdelivered' on coronavirus vaccines, state health officials say
–– Or 'functioned as usual.'

Ron DeSantis' craven dodge on Covid
–– Backs discontinued model over it.

Hospital Scrambles To Find Patients Before Freezer Failure Ruins 830 Vaccines
–– Where could they possibly find anyone who wanted dose in Northern CA?

Pharmacist Accused of Tampering With Vaccine Was Conspiracy Theorist, Police Say
–– Drug down to own level.

US surgeon general contradicts Trump on Covid-19 death toll
–– By stating fact.

Inflatable costume could be behind Covid outbreak at California hospital
–– Or blown out of proportion?

Tommy Lasorda, legendary Los Angeles Dodgers manager, has died
–– Dodger blew.

Tanya Roberts dies at 65 after premature death announcement
–– That’s what did her in?

Joan Micklin Silver, director of 'Hester Street' and 'Crossing Delancey,' dies at 85
–– Bye-yo Silver!

Claude Bolling, Jazz Pianist and Prolific Film Composer, Dies at 90
–– Bolling over.