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Scoot Master
Week of 01/15/21

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Donald Trump exiting Oval Office by dragging his backside like a dog along the carpeted floor with its Presidential Seal.Trump’s approval rating plunges to all-time low of 29 percent in new Pew poll
–– P-U poll.

NRA files for bankruptcy
–– Finances shot.

‘Queens man impeached ― again’: People are enjoying coverage of Trump woes in his hometown paper
–– Funny because they referred to him as ‘man.’

Aides had to convince Trump not to go to the impeachment vote in person to defend himself, report says
–– Was real ‘hold me back’ moment.

Trump goes ‘ballistic’ over Twitter ban as it emerges president wanted to march to Capitol with supporters
–– Sure he did, but instead heeded level-headed advice as usual.

In an expletive-filled rant, Trump told an aide to never mention Nixon's name again, as some call for him to resign
–– Doesn't want to know Dick.

Trump ally Mike Lindell of My Pillow pushes martial law at White House
–– Advocates suffocating Democracy with Premium King.

McConnell tells GOP senators Trump’s impeachment trial is a ‘vote of conscience’
–– Further doomed it by saying it would demand ‘act of courage.’

‘Completing the job.' Subdued Donald Trump and aides struggle to get to the finish line
–– C’mon, patient is still breathing!

Trump is back in contact with Steve Bannon and ‘asking him how to overturn election’
–– Wants to hear straight from horse’s ass.

Steve Bannon’s podcast removed from YouTube hours after Giuliani interview
–– Donald Trump interview link will be distributed via Mailchimp.

Trump asks those who believe in his 'agenda' to 'help promote peace in our country'
–– Displays agenda confusion.

Trump says his rally speech before deadly Capitol riot was 'totally appropriate'
–– In horrific nightmare skullscape he lives.

There’s an alternative to impeachment or 25th Amendment for Trump, historians say
–– Follow mob’s example.

Impeachment won’t keep Trump from running again. Here’s a better way.
–– See above.

Trump was more upset that Capitol mob looked ‘low class’ than about violent attacks, reports say
–– It was MAGA hats and all that Trump paraphernalia.

National Guard asks people to please stop trying to give it donations, after photos of National Guardsmen sleeping on the floor of the Capitol spread on social media
–– Guardsmen cleared to accept tips.

Why veterans of the military and law enforcement joined the Capitol insurrection
–– Since when have right-wing gun nuts not hung from those branches?

Giuliani bizarrely claims ‘trial by combat’ comments at MAGA Capitol rally were a reference to Game of Thrones and did not incite violence
–– He's The Mountain of lies.

Republican AGs group sent robocalls urging protesters to the Capitol. GOP officials now insist they didn’t know about it.
–– Insist robots acted alone.

GOP Reps. Deny Giving ‘Reconnaissance Tours’ to Capitol Rioters
–– If you believe reconmen.

A small group of sleuths had been identifying right-wing extremists long before the attack on the Capitol
–– Like Ellery QAnon.

Lawmakers propose Congressional Gold Medal for Capitol officer who led rioters away
–– He ran pretty fast, but maybe Bronze or Silver?

Trump is considering Rudy Giuliani and Alan Dershowitz for his defense team if he faces another impeachment trial
–– Good, Dershowitz deserves last shred of dignity stripped.

Trump 'refusing to pay' Rudy Giuliani's legal fees after falling out
–– Still on retainer for fluid, mostly wine.

Extremists planning more violent events for Inauguration Day after US Capitol riots, experts warn
–– Coup-coup gaga.

A historic percentage of Americans want Trump removed from office
–– A whopping 56%! Bravo, Fearless 44!

Gov. says National Guard authorization delayed almost 2 hours
–– Had to reschedule 21-gun salute practice for Trump departure.

Donald Trump FINALLY orders White House flags to half-staff for Capitol cop Brian Sicknick and Howard Liebengood as Joe Biden calls murdered officer's family to pay his respects
–– Took Sicknik that long.

Parler appears to be experiencing an outage as users report issues accessing the social-media platform
–– Welcome to my Parler said the spider to the flea brain.

Trump wanted to join Parler and call himself 'Person X' before it shut down, according to the CEO of the social-media app
–– Like Beast? Havok? The Blob?

Insurrection adds to full plate of calamities Biden will face as he takes office
–– Hope they’re oreganata.

‘Getting the gang back together’: Familiar faces in Biden’s foreign policy team prompt relief and concern
–– Unfounded claims and pointless speculation.

Joe Biden says he wants to give you a $1,400 stimulus check — fast
–– He’s gonna have to ask nice.

The Surprising Reason Joe Biden May Not Be Able to Bring His Peloton to the White House
–– Trump ban on any physical exercise in WH may take time to overturn.

‘Acting President Pence'? 25th Amendment can rein in Trump even without removing him from office
–– Why not? It’s been all pretend since Day One.

How Trump told Pence to overturn election: ‘You can go down in history as a patriot or a p***y’
–– Trump could’ve gone down as scumbag, now as tr**tor.

Ex-firefighter allegedly threw extinguisher at cops in Capitol riot
–– Fanning flames of extreme irony.

Two men who allegedly held zip ties in Capitol during riots being investigated by U.S. counterterrorism prosecutors
–– Held zip ties to reality.

Trump rioter in full body armour and carrying zip-ties ‘is bartender who broke into Capitol with his mother’
–– Top cocktails: My Tie with a twist, QAnontini with as a many shots as it takes, Slow Coup Fizz, Moscow Mule (in honor of President's Putin patronage), White Lady, Light ’n’ Stormy, Bloody Moron.

Jacob Chansley, the rioter wearing face paint, is now facing federal charges
–– Will change to black and white stripes.

People are mocking Capitol riot detainee 'Q Shaman' for refusing to eat non-organic jail food because he 'gets very sick,' and a dietitian agreed it doesn't add up
–– Well, something totally f**ked him up.

QAnon Shaman’s Alleged Note to Mike Pence: ‘It’s Only a Matter of Time, Justice is Coming’
–– Where the buffalo chips roam.

Capitol rioter pictured with Pelosi lectern promises not to return to DC as lawyer says only a ‘magician’ could get him off
–– Muggle prosecutors will make him disappear.

Cleveland-area therapist eyed in Capitol riot arrested
–– Those awful Antifa rioters were just looking her up and down!

Former Cleveland school therapist charged in Capitol riot
–– Needs to have tiny child’s brain examined.

Man in 'Camp Auschwitz' sweatshirt during Capitol riot identified
–– Concentration chump.

The leader of the Proud Boys Hawaii chapter, who was endorsed by Roger Stone in his bid for state office last year, was arrested by the FBI for his role in storming the Capitol
–– Aloha form of life.

Capitol ‘rioter who wanted to shoot Nancy Pelosi’s noggin’ arrested
–– Hope they slapped his Capitol dome.

Capitol rioter to CNN: We could absolutely f***ing destroy you
–– ‘Instead we absolutely f***ing destroyed ourselves.’

Ariel Pink dropped from label after attending Trump rally that led to D.C. riots
–– Pink-slipped.

Lou Dobbs Fumes Over The GOP's 'Utter Disregard' Of Trump's 'Right To Loyalty'
–– Omertà most foul.

Former Red Sox star Curt Schilling, who’s up for Hall of Fame, tweets support for the Capitol rioters, saying they started 'confrontation for sh*t that matters’
–– Trump is sh•t that doesn’t.

Sheryl Sandberg says the US Capitol siege was not primarily organized on Facebook
–– That’s real feather in cap.

Arizona’s Maricopa County GOP censures ex-Sen. Jeff Flake, plans vote to also censure Cindy McCain
–– For trespassing into reality.

Lindsey Graham is reportedly back in Trump's 'good graces' after breaking things off last week
–– In latest slang for ‘rectum.’

Panic buttons were inexplicably torn out ahead of Capitol riots, says Ayanna Pressley chief of staff
–– No Pressley to play.

Tucker Carlson mocks Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez for thinking she might die during the Capitol riot in which 5 people died
–– Brave fart.

Ex-Fox News Host Gretchen Carlson Can’t Believe The ‘Crap' Spewed On Tucker Carlson's Show
–– What else would come out of that facial sphincter?

‘We will not be bullied': Kentucky Gov. Andy Beshear lashes out after 'patriot rally' draws armed protesters to state Capitol
–– Beshear nerve.

GOP Sen. James Lankford apologizes to Black Oklahomans for challenging Joe Biden's win
–– Boy, if that doesn’t get him kicked out of party!

Schwarzenegger invokes Nazi Germany in powerful video denouncing Capitol Hill riot
–– Unfortunately, also invokes Crom of Cimmeria.

Fox News host Jeanine Pirro calls Parler backlash 'akin to a Kristallnacht' days after the deadly attempted coup on Capitol Hill
–– Apparently thinks Jews smashed Nazis’ stemware.

George Clooney says Trump family belongs in the 'dustbin of history' following Capitol attack
–– If dustbin is connected to rankest sewer system in world.

McDonald’s CEO calls insurrection at the US Capitol an attack on things people 'associate with America,' including McDonald's
–– And was similarly nauseating.

‘Our First Martyr.' How Ashli Babbitt Is Being Turned Into a Far-Right Recruiting Tool
–– Saint Dumbunny.

Donald Trump Jr. Is Following Ivanka’s Lead and Moving to Florida
–– Wants to be closer to his supply.

Another Trump neighbor? Tiffany Trump may be moving to the Miami area (Don Jr., too)
–– Siblings trying to convince Eric to relocate to Wyoming.

An accused killer clown in Florida has been held in jail without bond since 2017 based on conflicting evidence
–– Wish killer clown in White House had been behind bars that long.

Donald Trump Jr. says 'the world is laughing at America' as he rails against his dad's Twitter ban, saying 'free speech is dead'
–– Has been, between strangled gasps, since 2016.

Melania Identifies Real Victim of the Deadly Capitol Riots: Herself
–– FLOTUS above the crowd.

New York City to consider ending contracts with Trump that bring his company $17 million a year
–– And edit out every cameo apperance in any film set in Big Apple.

Trump business backlash part of 'cancel culture,' son says
–– More 'cancel cretin.'

Chicago police union president: Saying riots are ‘treason’ is ‘beyond ridiculous’
–– He’s ‘beneath moronic.’

Trump to award Bill Belichick a Medal of Freedom as House considers impeachment
–– Big fan of Patriots in name only.

Trump admin races to enact term limits for top health scientists
–– And mandates they be referred to as ‘lyintists.’

Trump reportedly told Kelly Loeffler he'd 'do a number on her' if she didn't back Electoral College challenge
–– And she reflexively crossed legs.

Deutsche Bank to pay more than $100 million in deferred prosecution agreement with federal prosecutors
–– Any surprise Trump’s big client?

Deutsche Bank joins companies cutting ties with Donald Trump
–– Um, was.

Rex Tillerson says he had to use maps and photos with ‘two big bullet points’ to hold Trump’s attention
–– Found he liked chasing laser pointer.

Georgia’s First Vietnamese American State Rep Wears Áo Dài to Swear-In
–– Was to áo dài for.

US carries out its 1st execution of female inmate since 1953
–– Bill Barr achieves first post-retirement woody.

Supreme Court grants Trump administration request to limit access to abortion drug
–– You'd think his right-wingers would be into eugenics.

Trump pushed for a moon landing in 2024. It’s not going to happen.
–– Now might wish he were booked on flight.

Hybrid-electric plane could reduce NOx emissions by 95 per cent
–– But requires 5,000-mile-long extension cord.

Pepsi targets net-zero emissions by 2040
–– By removing carbonation?

EPA finds toxic chemicals leached into common pesticide
–– Which was already poisonous.

Global Warming Is Turning 99 Percent Of Northern Queensland's Turtles Female
–– Lucky 1%, dude!

Pet Translators Could Be A Thing Within The Next Decade
–– Another indicator how fast human intelligence is deteriorating.

Quibi, Vice Veteran Shawna Thomas Named 'CBS This Morning' Executive Producer
–– Didn’t she work on any other flops?

Armie Hammer Is Speaking Out on Those Cannibal Claims as His Next Movie Recasts His Role
–– Before the take bite out of career.

Mary-Kate Olsen Finalized Her Divorce From Her 51-Year-Old Husband & She’s Ready to Date Again
–– Looking for special someone she can reach chin of.

Olivia Rodrigo Says She Wrote Most of 'Drivers License' While 'Literally Crying in My Living Room'
–– "My face was literally wet and I was like, ‘Am I literally sweating or did my Capri Sun literally leak?’, but then I was like, 'NO, tears!’"

‘The Mandalorian' star Gina Carano addresses her controversial social media presence: 'I bring the fire out in people'
–– Dune: what comes naturally.

Jason Sudeikis Is Apparently "Really Hurt" and "Jealous" Over Olivia Wilde and Harry Styles
–– Not Wilde about Harry.

What the outcry from Kumail Nanjiani's sculpted body tells us about racism, masculinity standards
–– What part of his body is squawking?

Anne Hathaway Dresses in the Most Glamorous Metallic Gowns For a Trip to the Backyard
–– Rusts beautifully in downpour.

Jennifer Lopez Hits the Water in a Sleek Black Strappy Swimsuit
–– Can’t take eyes off those straps.

Tom Cruise introduces ‘intimidating’ Covid-secure robots to patrol Mission: Impossible set
–– And to make his acting look better.

Liam Neeson: I'm retiring from ass-kicking before I need a walker
–– Still available for ankle-kicking.

How Codebreaker Elizebeth Friedman Broke Up a Nazi Spy Ring
–– Read actual joke.

Man, 25, shot dead while walking dog during attempted robbery
–– Never bring your pet when committing crime.

Pet Parents Found an ‘Irreplaceable’ Self-Warming Blanket to Keep Dogs and Cats Cozy
–– The worse fur wear.

A shocking discovery: electric eels hunt in packs.
–– Long-lasting 12 or 24 AA and AAA.

Enormous pigeon-eating catfish wreaking havoc on Europe’s ecosystems
–– Pigeons have got to stop snorkeling.

What were the ‘Oakville blobs’?
–– Worst Beatles cover band in Washington state?

New fossil provides clarity to the history of Alligatoridae
–– Formerly as murky as swamp.

Spectacular fossil of an eight-foot ancient shark found in Germany 
–– So it was walking around like giant spider?

Yes, Neanderthals and humans had cave sex — but did they kiss?
–– Homo totally Erectus?

World’s Oldest Cave Art Discovered in Indonesia. It’s a Pig.
–– Doing a Neanderthal.

Glass frogs living near roaring waterfalls wave hello to attract mates
–– Get lots of one-finger salutes back.

Mets star Michael Conforto engaged to girlfriend Cabernet Burns
–– If he was reliever could’ve been Cab Save.

Calls for Dolly Parton Statue to Be Added to Tennessee Capitol Grounds
–– Parton, part off.

Kamala Harris’ Vogue cover prompts backlash and outrage: 'Disrespectful'
–– Kamala down!

Could Kamala Harris invoke her Indian heritage by wearing a sari on inauguration day?
–– Decision under wraps.

Biden’s Defense nominee could get $1.7 million as he leaves Raytheon
–– Hope he doesn’t forget generosity of missile maker in office.

More Democrats Say They'll Vote 'No' on Waiver for Biden's SecDef Pick Lloyd Austin
–– Austin citey limits.

Senate postpones confirmation hearing for Biden intel pick Avril Haines
–– To Avril, peut-être?

Justin Thomas apologizes for using 'inexcusable' anti-gay slur
–– Faggottaboutit!

Mike Pompeo cancels Europe trip after officials decline to meet with him
–– Pomp PO'd.

Twitter blocks 'dehumanizing' Chinese Embassy tweet claiming Uighur women are no longer 'baby-making machines’
–– Like telling beheading victim they no longer ‘have to think too hard.’

The president of Honduras was supposed to be a drug war ally. U.S. prosecutors say he helped move cocaine
–– And didn't cut Pentagon in on it.

UN envoy: Britain is `gung ho' about world role after Brexit
–– World: ‘Hung go.’

French minister insists troops didn't bomb Mali wedding fete
–– Was cratered affair.

With ‘I Hate Men,’ a French Feminist Touches a Nerve
–– With knee to groin.

Russian opposition leader Navalny plans defiant Moscow return
–– Has some set of onion domes.

Iran says research on uranium matal-based fuel has started - Twitter
-–– Don't want to maddle with that.

Philippine President Duterte Says His Job Is ‘Not For Women’
–– Only real man could sustain, maintain that level of brain damage.

Bombas, the internet’s favorite sock brand, now makes underwear
–– Preferred brand of Jungle Boy.

Gordon Ramsay tried the $777 burger in Las Vegas and called it 'disgustingly expensive' and 'bloody delicious'
–– How much is bun?

Tommy Tuberville Wants Biden Inauguration Delayed Until COVID ‘Behind Us’
–– Wants to give President Trump chance to double death toll.

Simone Gold, noted hydroxychloroquine advocate, was inside the Capitol during the riot
–– Her Q is for Quack.

Moncef Slaoui, head of Operation Warp Speed, reportedly resigns as the top US vaccine advisor at the request of Biden's transition team
–– After perfecting warped aspect of wonky rollout.

Why Indonesia is prioritizing the young, not the elderly, for coronavirus vaccines
–– Reading mortality charts right to left.

People named Kovid share the blessing and burden of their moniker amid the COVID-19 pandemic
–– Blessing they share with folks named Adolf, Kancer, Don Jr.

People have already given up on Dry January because of the pandemic and attempted coup at the US Capitol
–– It’s been Wet Pants month thus far.

Philip J. Smith, Leader of the Shubert Organization, Dies at 89
–– Curtains.

‘Barnacle Bill’ Newman, expert on crustaceans, dies in La Jolla at 93
–– Couldn’t hang on.

Peter Mark Richman Dies: Versatile Playwright, Author And Actor For Broadway, Film, TV Was 93
–– Richman, poor man.

Dr. Harold Bornstein, Trump's former personal physician, dead at 73
–– Under own care.

Siegfried Fischbacher, illusionist of Siegfried & Roy, dead at 81
–– Tiger pause.

Sheldon Adelson, Billionaire Donor to G.O.P. and Israel, Is Dead at 87
–– Shel of former self.