Ballot Ruse
Week of 03/05/21
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
House passes sweeping voting rights bill over GOP opposition
–– Mandates water fountains stay integrated.
Is Your Dog Fat? Blame Covid
–– He does.
Republicans and majority of Democrats vote to keep incarcerated people from participating in elections
–– Progressives can’t depend on cell bloc?
Ron Johnson at the center of the storm: 'People are out to destroy me'
–– Johnson's baby pouter.
As Democrats bring back earmarks for transportation projects, billions of dollars from years ago sits unused
–– Lost at bottom of pork barrel.
Joe Biden just yanked away stimulus checks from 17 million Americans
–– Ones that don’t exist, the meanie!
Progressives unify against Democrat leaders who won’t fight for policies like Green New Deal
–– Can’t wait to be minority party again…
Biden’s top aide says White House will ‘start acting now’ on reparations for African Americans
–– …and lose White House.
Jason Bateman Taped Golden Globes Appearance from Jennifer Aniston's House: 'It Takes a Village'
–– ‘Like the one in that crappy M. Night Shyamalan movie.’
China Both Celebrates and Slams Chloe Zhao’s ‘Nomadland’ Golden Globe Glory
–– That's Zhao business.
QAnon followers read the tea leaves in Donald Trump's CPAC speech
–– Makes you miss Tea Party!'
Ron DeSantis has strongest showing of any potential non-Trump candidate in CPAC 2024 straw poll
–– Mostly for having more straw in head than Scarecrow.
Cassidy on Trump and the GOP: 'If we idolize one person, we will lose'
–– So ido-effin’-lize the heck out of him already!
Republican Sen. Sasse slams Nebraska GOP for "weird worship" of Trump after state party rebuke
–– Referring to ritual sacrifices of own careers?
Prosecutors May Flip the Trump Organization Employee Who Knows Where All the Bodies Are Buried
–– Is it under him?
CrossFit condemns Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene for 'loathsome and dangerous lies'
–– It wasn’t vigorous workouts that damaged brain?
Goya Foods CEO falsely says election was illegitimate, Trump is 'the real, the legitimate, and the still actual president'
–– Never more full of beans.
Democrats decry Biden's airstrikes in Syria as unconstitutional. Republicans praise them as 'proportional.'
–– Who says he can’t be bipartisan?
Sen. Duckworth calls on Biden to release intel on alleged Russian bounties in Afghanistan
–– Demands quicker picker-upper.
Lady Gaga's dogs recovered, but mystery only deepens about the violent theft
–– Put McGruff on case.
Geraldo Rivera Urges Donald Trump to Apologize for ‘Deeply Disturbing’ Handling of Capitol Riot
–– Tell us when Federal prosecutor demands he plead guilty to treason.
Trump State Department official charged for attacking police in Capitol riot
–– Big stick diplomacy.
QAnon Shaman Begs for Leniency: I Stopped Muffin Theft During Capitol Riot
–– Bananas nut.
Capitol Rioter Who Sat At Pelosi’s Desk Calls Incarceration ‘Not Fair’
–– Suffering insurrectile dysfunction.
Former TV Actor Identified by FBI as Man Wielding Crutch During Capitol Riot
–– Defense hasn’t leg to stand on.
Feds Arrest White Supremacist Livestreamer in Dawn Raid, Rattling Supporters
–– Livestreamed down own leg.
A Proud Boys leader acquired a lookalike's passport to possibly flee the country following Capitol attack, court documents say
–– Wrong, but first indication of any intelligence from them.
GOP Senators Grill FBI Director over Use of Geolocation Data to Track Capitol Rioters
–– National Review finally worried about civil liberties.
Most House Republicans voted not to certify some election results. Democrats are still seething.
–– The end is deny.
Trump Appointee At VOA Parent Paid Law Firm Millions To Investigate His Own Staff
–– Pack rat.
Over a dozen GOP House members cited 'the ongoing health emergency' to skip in-person voting while they spoke at CPAC
–– Dire mental one.
Ted Cruz said the Republican Party is 'not just the party of country clubs' but CPAC is fixated on Donald Trump - a man who literally lives at one
–– Now party of fight clubs, wrecking crews, death cults.
Ted Cruz engages in an online spat over Biden's HHS secretary nominee who sued the Trump administration more than 100 times
–– Cruz: ‘If there’s spat or spit, I’ll be there.’
10 hours in Cancún hurt Ted Cruz's job approval more than when he tried to flip the presidential election
–– Remind us when he’s reelected handily.
John Boehner rips Ted Cruz as a 'reckless a--hole' on book's back cover
–– Credits Johnny Walker on Acknowledgements page.
ERCOT CEO Refuses $800K Payout Following Firing
–– Consistent in rejecting green initiative.
GOP Rep. Kevin McCarthy said he'd bet his 'personal house' that Republicans will 'get the majority back' in 2022
–– Sounds like he’s been spending time in public one.
The making of Madison Cawthorn: How falsehoods helped propel the career of a new pro-Trump star of the far right
–– Can’t trust him as far as you can roll him.
These Trump supporters are convinced he will be president again on March 4
–– He shall arise from Mar-a-Lago flower bed.
‘It’s Going to Be Like Myanmar.’ Trump Cult Convinced Military Coup Will Put Him Back in Office
–– Really? They’ve heard of Myanmar?
QAnon’s March 4 Failure Prompts Wave of Trump Inauguration Jokes, Memes
–– Not 4 nothing.
Rep. Adam Kinzinger tore into Sen. Josh Hawley for his 'smug' CPAC speech, saying 5 people died because of 'what you did’
–– Hawley terror.
Lachlan Murdoch finally says it out loud: Fox is the 'loyal opposition' to Biden
–– And yells, ‘Loyal to Lord Satan!’
Mitt Romney Injured and Knocked Unconscious During Fall: I 'Had a Lot of Stitches’
–– Smashed on fermented grape juice in fridge too long.
Former Trump Attorney General Sessions regrets migrant family separations
–– Please extend his apologies to the kids if you can find them.
Tiger Woods told police after crash that he didn't remember driving
–– Why he was holding putter when they found him.
Sheriff’s dept. executes search warrant on Tiger Woods' car: 'Trying to determine if a crime was committed'
–– Car, recovering in shop: ‘Call my lawyer.’
NXIVM Founder Keith Raniere: ‘Embarrassed,’ Then Honored by Female Members Branded With His Initials
–– Can’t decide whether to blush or splooge.
‘We're done with that lifestyle': Jessica Watkins, Ohio woman charged in Capitol riot, renounces Oath Keepers
–– ‘We heard about this great group called NXIVM!’
GOP seizes on women’s sports as unlikely wedge issue
–– Pulling shorts up really tight.
Lola Bunny’s Desexualized ‘Space Jam 2’ Redesign Sparks Intense Debate
–– If you were 'dribbling' to Lola Bunny, seek counseling.
Indiana girls bring concerns over 'Men Working' signs to their lawmakers, and the city vows action
–– Signs removed, they fell down manhole.
Former MLB executive says Albert Pujols was lying about his age when he signed a $240 million contract with the Angels
–– Were suspicious when he demanded senior discount.
Second former aide accuses New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo of sexual harassment
–– Whoa, mo’?
Cuomo Accused of Unwanted Advance at a Wedding: ‘Can I Kiss You?’
–– Asked for last dance, after reception.
David Muir to Lead Breaking-News Duties at ABC
–– Despite fears he might sprain face looking deeply concerned.
NY Times slammed for seeking opinion editor with 'spine of steel'
–– Attached to brain of worm.
Trump made Twitter the White House’s spiked-ball cudgel. Ron Klain wants to change that.
–– Prefers good old-fashioned mace.
Republicans push new restrictive election bills in 43 states
–– See, they’re the Party for Minorities!
White author won't translate Amanda Gorman's works after criticism it was inappropriate
–– From nether lands of wokeness.
Smartphone addiction ruins sleep, study says, but you can fight back
–– Download this app!
The 17 Dog Breeds That Are Easiest to Potty Train
–– 1. Shit tzu.
Dan Smyers Adopts Senior Dog with Health Issues: She's 'Living Life to the Absolute Fullest'
–– 'We keep telling about that glorious farm upstate.'
Why do flamingos stand on one leg?
–– Other sock lost in dryer.
Long-Lost Babbler Bird Documented in Borneo for the First Time in Over 170 Years
–– Immediately asked to shut up.
Faking it: Insect ‘played dead’ for an hour to avoid being eaten
–– Scientists assumed female mates enjoyed oral sex.
Did a Viking Woman Named Gudrid Really Travel to North America in 1000 A.D.?
–– Sure, where she dug Erie Canal, discovered Fountain of Youth.
The Russian Scientist Who Tried To Create A Human-Chimp Hybrid (In The Worst Way Possible)
–– Should've taken pointers from Dr. Mirakle.
6 Dr. Seuss books won't be published anymore because they portray people in 'hurtful and wrong' ways
–– Susan Brandt taking break from destroying satire?
Ray Fisher shares new details of "racially discriminatory conversations" on Justice League set
–– And will keep sharing until he gets audition for black Superman.
Black Females More Likely Than White Females To Be Portrayed As “Smart” In Film & TV, But “Colorism” Persists Around Skin Tone, Says Study
–– SWM exclusively villains, boobs.
Melissa McCarthy and Octavia Spencer: Playing Superheroes in Thunder Force Felt Like a 'Fever Dream'
–– In those costumes a real stretch.
Solange Knowles says she was 'literally fighting for my life' while making her last album
–– ‘The audio engineer was firing a Glock, I had a custom Beretta and if I couldn’t duck behind that playback monitor during Things I Imagined until the cops got there, well, I just don’t know…’
Vanessa Bryant Has Sharp Words for Evan Rachel Wood for Commenting on Rape Allegations Against Her Late Husband
–– Each defending their brand.
Sofia Coppola Says She Can’t Watch Movies Without Any Female Characters
–– 12 Angry Men, Lord of the Flies, The Boys in the Band, Reservoir Dogs and The Good, The Bad and the Ugly will all (sorta) miss her.
'School of Rock' star says child stardom lead to bullying and addiction
–– And inability to make subject, verb agree.
Alamo Drafthouse Files for Chapter 11, Announces Sale to Altamont Capital, Fortress Investment
–– Forget the Alamo.
Gary Oldman on Getting Sober and Playing an Alcoholic in Mank : 'I Used to Sweat Vodka'
–– We never sweat because we buy in bulk.
Michael Jackson's Pet Chimp Bubbles Is Still Alive And Well
–– And getting into champagne.
Bill Burr Addresses ‘Mandalorian’ Co-Star Gina Carano’s Firing: ‘She Was an Absolute Sweetheart’
–– Nervy move publicly supporting war criminal.
Why Kathryn Hahn's Kids Were 'So Embarrassed' By Her Marvel Role
–– Or her acting?
Elizabeth Olsen Reveals Her Mom Has Called Her by the Wrong Marvel Name for the Past 4 Years
–– Witch?
Paul Bettany Reveals His Side Of The Famous Tom Hanks Fart Story
–– Downwind.
Anthony Mackie on Being Worried About Becoming 'Face of the First Marvel Franchise to Fail'
–– Just what Disney+ wants to hear.
T.I. Not Returning for 'Ant-Man 3'
–– T.M.I.
Lawyer Alleges T.I. and Tiny Drugged, Assaulted and Kidnapped Several Women; Calls on Authorities to Investigate
–– First both got tiny?
I Was a Sex and the City Stand-In. It Made Me Quit Hollywood Forever
–– Town still mourning loss.
How This Ancient, Defleshed Human Skull Ended Up in Such a Strange Spot
–– Armie Hammer’s credenza.
Lady Gaga wrote 'The Fame' in NYC apartment that's listed for $2K a month
–– Meat dress still hangs in closet.
TikTok empowered these plus-sized women, then took down some of their posts. They still don't know why
–– Slim pickings?
A judge ruled photos of enslaved individuals belong to Harvard, not their direct descendant
–– You mean subjects don’t own all photos they’re in?
Study Finds Wildfire Smoke More Harmful To Humans Than Pollution From Cars
–– Especially smoke coming off own body.
The New Chapo: An inside look at the hunt for El Mencho, Mexico's bloodiest drug lord
–– Hard to not like Mensch-o.
Gillian Anderson's American accent throws some people off
–– NEWS FLASH!
Piers Morgan: 'It doesn't get any more embarrassing' for Harry than prince's latest TV interview
–– He did have mouth open.
Meghan Markle tells Oprah 'I'm ready to talk' in new clip from upcoming sit down
–– Always good start for interview.
Gabrielle Union And Other Celebs Are Showing Their Support For Meghan Markle Amid Bullying Accusations
–– Union organizer.
The Queen Is Being Comforted by Two Corgi Puppies Amid Prince Philip's Hospitalization
–– Some creature needed to lick toes.
Nicola Sturgeon faces triple threat as MSPs demand evidence to corroborate Alex Salmond allegations
–– Something definitely fishy with Sturgeon, Salmond.
Ex-President Sarkozy Gets Jail Sentence for Corruption in France
–– In the can-can.
Armenians barge into government building to demand PM's exit: RIA
–– Bare-chested wearing face paint, buffalo headresses.
Psaki: 'More effective ways' to hold Saudi Arabia accountable for Khashoggi's murder than sanctioning crown prince
–– Weighing campaign of targeted sarcasm.
Biden refused to sanction MBS over Khashoggi's murder because he doesn't want his relationship with Saudi Arabia to get worse, officials say
–– More the hurt feelings than $64.1 billion worth of weapons sold from 2015 to 2020.
Exiled by Putin, Kremlin foe says Trump damaged Russians' opinion of America
–– Psaki: ‘Has opposition tried tactical snark?'
Court docs reveal Saudi wealth fund courted by Hollywood and Wall Street owned planes used in Jamal Khashoggi's killing
–– And Saudi wealth typically associated with wholesomeness.
Penal Colony No. 2 'breaks people': Inside the prison where Alexei Navalny has been sent
–– Penile Colony No. 2 pisses them off.
The Russians Protesting Putin in Their Personal Lives
–– Women who refuse to diddle selves to his shirtless photos.
China counters Uighur criticism with explicit attacks on women witnesses
–– Use some pretty dirty language.
China using Big Tech firms to attack BBC in state propaganda campaign, says report
–– Telly phony.
Austin wants to pivot to China. But can he pay for it?
–– Within Austin powers?
Japan PM Suga apologises after spokeswoman resigns over expensive dinners scandal
–– Daddy wanted little Suga for dessert.
In oil-rich Iraq, a few women buck norms, take rig site jobs
–– Norms pissed to be fired.
Walker 'stunned' to see ship hovering high above sea off Cornwall
–– So startled he dropped bottle of Scotch.
See images US intelligence claims is a secret weapons site
–– For groundhogs.
Bobby Shmurda’s First Day Out of Prison Is a Celebration Flush With Cash, Designer Clothes and Quavo
–– Great of Variety to celebrate wonderful guy's big day.
Kim Kardashian Slammed for Dressing Pet Reptile in Skims Clothing: ‘Animals Are Not Toys’
–– Realized she shouldn’t show where else she snuggled bearded dragon.
Zebra Mussels Found in Pet Store Moss Balls Could Cause ‘Serious Damage’
–– Then pull a mussel.
How otters and beavers returned to one of the world's greatest golf courses
–– Offered free greens fees.
What Apophis Means as God of Chaos Asteroid Has Close Encounter with Earth
–– What doesn’t it mean!
Dino ‘Parasites’ Trapped in Amber Are Not What They Appear to Be, Say Scientists
–– They actually give back to community.
Plan to bring back wooly mammoths to tackle climate crisis
–– Will they be up to tusk?
450 butterfly species rapidly declining due to warmer autumns in the western U.S.
–– Suck it up, you flitty bastards!
Why SpaceX’s Starships Keep Blowing up As SN10 Becomes third to Explode
–– Need to stop using M-80s as propellent.
This Black Hole Probably Shouldn’t Exist
–– Cover up, you’re disgusting.
Frank Lloyd Wright-inspired waterfront home in South Tampa asks $7M
–– They gave it a voice!
What it says about us when we want a cook's recipe but not their humanity
–– We’re hungry and not for self-promotion.
My 8-Year-Old Threatened Suicide. Here’s What We’re Learning.
–– He got his morbid desire for attention from you.
Jonah Hill slams the media for body-shaming photos: 'I'm 37 and finally love and accept myself’
–– Was ‘Up Hill!’ battle.
Emmanuel Acho will host 'The Bachelor: After the Final Rose Special,' replacing Chris Harrison
–– So is cancel culture really just diversity hiring program?
EU to propose vaccine certificates in time for summer holidays
–– And pandemic loving cups.
Anthony Fauci Donates His 3D SARS-CoV-2 Model to the Smithsonian
–– Trump demands they accept his 'theoretical bleach cure' news conference clip.
World Health Organization advises against using hydroxychloroquine as COVID-19 treatment
–– Has to draw picture for morons who did.
Covid tongue? Why new Covid-19 symptoms keep popping up.
–– Or sticking out.
Some US bishops discourage Catholics from getting Johnson & Johnson vaccine if others are available
–– Offended by double phallic slang.
Not all athletes at the Tokyo Olympics will be vaccinated against COVID-19 and the games are expected to have some fans in attendance
–– Virus should set records.
North Carolina mocked after prioritising anyone who has smoked 100 cigarettes in their lifetime for a vaccine
–– Dang and we're stuck at 98.
Greg Abbott's head-scratching, anti-science decision to end the Texas mask mandate
–– Not head he’s scratching.
President Joe Biden slams governors for lifting mask mandates, calls it ‘Neanderthal thinking’
–– Oh, c'mon, it's at least Cro-Magnon.
Randy Quaid slams Biden's comments about Texas, Mississippi reopening: 'I am appalled'
–– Or Quaid-Magnon?
Rep. Karen Bass says systemic racism is playing a role in coronavirus vaccine distribution
–– Taking shot in dark.
To selfie or not to selfie? Why the joy of getting vaccinated is drawing backlash.
–– Bunch of needle dicks.
Florida golfer found drowned after searching for lost ball
–– Was being played by bass.
