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Innocent When Proven Guilty
Week of 02/12/21

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Donald Trump in the pose of OJ Simpson looking at his bloody gloves which are labeled Proof with Ted Cruz, Mitch McConnell and Marsha Blackburnin the courtroom behind him. Hillary Clinton says GOP senators who vote to acquit Trump will be his ‘co-conspirators’
–– Gang that couldn’t shoo straight.

This is one of the fastest growing jobs at Walmart
–– Free samples taster.

Trump’s lawyers say he was immediately ‘horrified’ by the Capitol attack. Here’s what his allies and aides said really happened that day.
–– Sure, when he realized morons couldn’t track down Pelosi, Romney, Pence.

Trump was in a 'really good mood' and mocked Democrats as he watched harrowing videos of the Capitol riot on day 2 of his impeachment trial, report says
–– Incited inch erection.

Tuberville says he informed Trump of Pence ’s evacuation before rioters reached Senate
–– Saw evidence he soiled pants.

Trump Tweeted Attack on Pence Minutes After Hearing VP Was Fleeing Rioters
–– Regretted not hiring professional hitmen as planned.

Impeachment-trial video shows Mike Pence rushing from the Capitol with a 'nuclear football' close behind as rioters stormed the building
–– In latest slang for 'enraged Trump supporter in helmet.'

McCarthy snapped at Trump when he refused to help during riot, report says: ‘Who the f*** do you think you’re talking to?’
–– Accurately answered, 'A spineless ass-sucker who will come crawling to Mar-a-Lago after I nearly get him killed and mock him during the attempt.'

12 GOP Senators Voted Against Clinton for Lies About Sex. Will They Convict Trump?
–– Trump could’ve T-Boned Proud Boy on Resolute desk while texting QAnon Shaman location of Capitol safe room with entry password during riot and they wouldn’t.

Romney says footage shown at impeachment trial let him know how close he was to danger
–– Rioters almost got Mitts on him.

Rep. Jim Jordan Shoots Himself In The Foot With 'Monumentally Dumb' Defense Of Trump
–– Or ‘pins self in locker room shower like pedophile coach?’

Oath Keeper extremist who stormed US Capitol kept ‘death list’ and fantasised about mutilating corpses of enemies
–– Was feeling his Oaths.

Josh Hawley calls impeachment a ‘kangaroo trial’ after being accused of ignoring it
–– How deep is he in Trump’s pouch?

Ted Cruz, Lindsey Graham, and Mike Lee met with Trump's defense team
–– Talk about kangaroo –– they just hopped over.

Ron Pearlman Blasts Josh Hawley’s ‘Casual Demeanor’ at Impeachment Trial
–– Gave him Hell, boy.

Anger after senator says Trump deserves ‘mulligan’ for Capitol riot speech
–– Mike Lee deserves ‘five iron’ to forehead.

Nancy Mace humiliated on MSNBC after being called out for parroting incorrect impeachment claim
–– And insisting she ‘wanna cracker.’

Democratic impeachment managers praise Mike Pence for standing up to Trump
–– After four years standing up for?

Nikki Haley criticizes Trump and says he has no future in the GOP
–– That’s a safe abet.

President Biden Says Trump Should Not Receive Intelligence Briefings Due to "Erratic Behavior"
–– And government could not provide enough Intelligence for him to comprehend anyway.

Lincoln Project Co-Founder Resigns From Board Amid a Deepening Crisis
–– Lincoln logs off.

Fox News cancels Lou Dobbs’ show; pro-Trump host not expected to be back on air
–– But might need oxygen.

Fox Business cancels ‘Lou Dobbs Tonight’ amid $2.7 billion lawsuit
–– Sue Dobbs tonight.

Larry Kudlow to (Sort of) Replace Lou Dobbs on Fox Business
–– Who could fill his jack boots?

Tiffany Haddish Goes Off-Script, Drops F-Bomb During Verizon’s Post-Super Bowl Concert
–– Because she doesn’t know what 'vamp' means. Our ‘National Treasure.’

Bruce Springsteen and Jeep call for unity in 2-minute long Super Bowl commercial
–– DWIY.

Springsteen ‘Visibly Swaying’ Before Drunken-Driving Arrest, Police Say
–– Well, sure, to Born in the USA on radio.

Biden struggles with teleprompter at Pentagon, Jeep pulls Springsteen ad
–– Eventually wrestles to floor.

Timothee Chalamet Plays Edward Scissorhands' Son in Cadillac's Super Bowl Ad
–– Cuts Johnny Depp’s career short.

Tom Brady Can Barely Walk After Partying, Throwing Trophy At Super Bowl Bash
–– Passing out?

Um, did Tom Brady just toss the Lombardi Trophy over several feet of water?
–– Um, did you have more than him, can’t clearly see video played everywhere?

Jets have received calls from 'multiple teams' about QB Sam Darnold: report
–– Asking, ‘were you serious when you signed him?’

Fan in pink one-piece runs on field during Super Bowl LV
–– Everyone assumes it's Jets' mascot.

Bauer to Mets fans: 'I owe you an apology'
–– Already think he’s sorry bastard.

The Chamber embraces Biden. And Republicans are livid.
–– Commerce chamelon.

Justice Department drops lawsuit against Melania Trump's ex-friend over tell-all book
–– Won't hit paid dirt.

Why Joe Manchin is an electoral miracle
–– And legislative disaster.

Capitol riot defendant has history of intimidating lawmakers, made racist speech at public hearing
–– Which is why he'll be man of conviction.

A majority of the people arrested for Capitol riot had a history of financial trouble
–– And couldn’t afford mental health treatment.

Lawyer for 'zip-tie guy' Eric Munchel said he raided the Capitol because Trump said the election was rigged
–– ‘Or maybe it was my dog, a retriever who’s got the same color hair.'

Geraldo Rivera Asks ‘What the Hell’ Trump Expected Followers to Do on Jan 6
–– In interview with Satan.

Trump’s DC hotel is hiking prices for March 4 - the day QAnon followers think the former president will be sworn in
–– Includes autographed MyPillow, spiked Kool-Aid.

Diehard QAnon followers think Trump is secretly still president and carrying out executions at White House
–– Did conduct mass execution of staff resumés before leaving.

Judge agrees to release prominent Proud Boys leader facing Capitol riot charges
–– Prominent as in sticks out like sore head?

Trump’s lie that the election was stolen has cost $519 million (and counting) as taxpayers fund enhanced security, legal fees, property repairs and more
–– Treason? Priceless.

Ivanka Trump Hopes Her Hard Work Securing Pardons for White-Collar Criminals Pays Off
–– For her family.

Former top strategist Jason Miller says Trump is happy after leaving the White House and glad not to be on Twitter
–– And if you can’t trust Jason Miller

Republican Sen. Josh Hawley used campaign funds to pay for $197 in food during family Universal Studios trip
–– He assumed food vendors Lard Lad, Margaritaville, Voodoo Donut were far-right PACs.

The Senate should do everything it can to avoid a zombie impeachment trial
–– Reanimating walking dead on Republican side of aisle?

Less than 10% of Americans like QAnon
–– But they're fanatics. 100%.

The Military Doesn't Bar Troops from Being Members of Hate Groups. That Could Change
–– Aside from military itself?

A group of Black Republicans are pressing the National Museum of African American History to properly 'honor' Clarence Thomas
–– Uncle Thomas Bobbleheads?

Stormy Daniels on Trump lawsuit: 'I have nothing left to lose'
–– Oh, c’mon, girlfriend, how about your dignity!

Sen. Bernie Sanders Didn't 'Know How' to Take Being Referred to as an 'Ignorant Sl--' During Hearing
–– And is still flabbergasted ‘slut’ was censored in headline.

Notorious Giuliani witness Mellissa Carone said she's running for a state house seat in Michigan
–– First running for road house seat for drink.

Al Sharpton files for divorce from wife after 17 years of separation
–– 17 Years a Slave?

Someone tried to poison a Florida city by hacking into the water treatment system, sheriff says
–– With gator aid?

‘Like a hug’: The stress-busting Gravity weighted blanket will have you sleeping like a baby—and it's on sale!
–– Y’know, waking up every two hours and crying.

British Prime Minister Theresa May wanted to alert her husband after Trump held her hand 'by surprise' during a 2017 visit
–– She was holding it over her, um, ballot box.

'Burn in hell' Navalny tells Russian court
–– They’re already in Putin’s back pocket so just need matches.

EU chief diplomat accused of kow-towing to Russia for vaccines on embarrassing Moscow visit
–– Had studied Trump/Putin Helsinki tapes.

Translator who listened to Trump and Putin’s calls says it was like overhearing ‘friends chatting in a bar’
–– In a torture dungeon.

Philippines' Duterte tells U.S. 'you have to pay' if it wants to keep troop deal
–– In speech Trump would’ve called ‘perfect.’

‘It Seemed So Unbelievable': The Case of the Women Tricked Into Publicly Assassinating Kim Jong Un's Brother
–– Gulls will be gulls.

Portrait of young galaxy throws theory of galaxy formation on its head
–– Realize black holes were only acne.

Microplastics are everywhere. Here’s what that means for our health.
–– A little bit.

Glacier fractures in the Himalayas, causing deadly flood; more than 125 missing
–– Go with floe.

A man was killed at a baby shower in Michigan after a celebratory cannon exploded
–– What does blood red mean about baby’s sex?

Execs from Robinhood, Melvin Capital, and Citadel are reportedly expected to testify at a House hearing on GameStop and short sellers
–– Robinhood, men in fights.

Postmaster general’s new plan for USPS is said to include slower mail and higher prices
–– DeJoy of rooking.

Tesla’s stock price has left Wall Street analysts scratching their heads. Here's what's fueling the searing rally.
–– Oh.

Fecal transplants, made up of poop and microbes, are being touted as a promising new treatment for skin cancer patients
–– Though not great for complexion.

These blue beads found in Alaska may be the first European items in North America
–– In first Claire’s.

Lost in Antarctica, a Wallet Is Returned 53 Years Later (Memories Included)
–– Family photos replaced by head shots of penguins.

Four Seasons Total Landscaping Will Be the Subject of a New Documentary
––– Called Sods and Ends?

Parkland activists divided over David Hogg’s pillow venture as anniversary nears
–– Need to sleep on it.

Aunt Jemima brand to be renamed Pearl Milling Company with new syrup, pancake boxes coming in June
–– Like black scrap molasses.

The Cost of Calling My Mom From Prison
–– And difficulty of fitting cigarettes in coin slot.

300-Year-Old Pirate Skeletons From Fabled ‘Black Sam’ Crew Found Off Cape Cod
–– Researchers apologize for appropriation in moniker.

An Indiana university retires its mascot that shares a name with the Ku Klux Klan newspaper
–– First thing you think of when you hear Crusader and see guy dressed in rubber ‘armor’.

Gina Carano is off ‘The Mandalorian’ over ‘abhorrent and unacceptable’ social media posts, Lucasfilm says
–– Did Nick Cannon retweet?

Firing Actors for Being Conservative Is Another Hollywood Blacklist
–– Ironically all-white.

Making Sense of the ALIEN Franchise’s Timeline
–– First, take this tab of acid…

Stanley Tucci says late 1st wife met current wife at 'Devil Wears Prada' premiere
–– Even though she didn’t show up on time?

’We need to relax a little bit': Olivia Newton-John claps back at critics who claim 'Grease' was 'sexist'
–– Let it slide.

Phoebe Bridgers Calls David Crosby ‘little bitch’ After Critique of Guitar Smash
–– More like Guitar Tap.

'Pee-wee' star Paul Reubens gets laughs and money for charity on 'Celebrity Wheel of Fortune'
–– Winning puzzle: _ha_’s my name. Don’_ wear i_ ou_.

Bam Margera calls for 'Jackass 4' boycott after alleged firing
–– OK, Bom, uh, Bum, we were going to anyway.

Armie Hammer's publicist and agency parted ways with the actor amid explicit DMs controversy. Here's how the saga's unfolded.
–– Held him a cannibal for his actions.

Rachel Dolezal says she can’t find a job six years after transracial revelation
–– Now claims she Welfare Mama.

John David Washington and Zendaya can’t decide if ‘Malcolm & Marie’ belong together: ‘This is bad’
–– No, film’s awful.

Sorry, but 'The Phantom Menace' is better than any 'Star Wars' movie of the last decade
–– Yes, but what does that say about those turkeys?

Variety's apology to Carey Mulligan over its 'Promising Young Woman' review has ignited a row over press freedom
–– Worst Variety of cowardice.

Fan decodes potential hidden message in Kylie Jenner's Instagram post: 'I've cracked it'
–– Like walnut between ass cheeks.

Morgan Wallen's sales quadruple after getting caught using racial slur on camera
–– Like white on rise.

NY Times Reporter Donald McNeil Jr Ousted After Using N-Word With Students
–– Of color?

Describing a Slur Is Not the Same As Using It
–– Yeah, but what if you’re thinking it!

New York Times Reporter Resigns After Report on His Racist Remarks, But Now 'Woke' Journalists Are Being Blamed
–– 150 who signed letter asleep?

New postage stamp honors trailblazing 'First Lady of Physics'
–– If field was nanoscience would’ve made more sense.

Peter Dinklage to Produce ‘This Was Our Pact’ and Voice Talking Bear in Animated Film
–– With bad English or bad French accent?

Kristen Bell Responds to Commenter Who Says She and Dax Shepard "Can’t F--king Stand Each Other"
–– “F—king never enters the picture.’

Paulina Porizkova Regrets Not Signing Prenup with Late Ex-Husband Ric Ocasek: 'I Was Stupid'
–– Cars jacked.

Judas and the Black Messiah’ Cinematographer on Why He Shot Black Panther and FBI Scenes in Different Colors
–– Um, because characters were?

Britney Spears Documentary Brings Validity to #FreeBritney Movement, While Putting Misogynistic Media on Blast 
–– New York Times Spears carrier.

Charisma Carpenter reveals details of Joss Whedon's 'abusive' behavior on the set of 'Buffy' and 'Angel'
–– Does allegation need another set of quote marks?

Evan Rachel Wood Says Marilyn Manson’s Wife Threatened to Release Damaging Underage Photos
–– Or just Thirteen.

This rebellious female painter of bold nude portraits has been overlooked for a century
–– Should’ve been another if you’ve seen her knock-offs.

‘Circus Of Books’ Director Rachel Mason On Documenting Her Parents’ Secret Life As ’80s Gay Porn Merchants: “People In The Sex Industry Are Not Crazy Outlaws”
–– “If they’re not caught.”

These Dogs Broke the Internet When They Were Reunited with Their Owners
–– And peed on modem.

3 waterproof dog coats to keep your four-legged friend cosy and dry
–– And utterly humiliated.

Puppy Recovering from Severe Burns Wants to Become a Therapy Dog for Young Burn Victims
–– Read his job application.

This fish looks like a hedge-trimmer — and it's at risk of extinction
–– Because not many topiaries on ocean floor.

Study of europium in crystals suggest Earth's middle ages were a time of flatlands
–– Just as we thought!

Insects Swarm Out Of Your Rotting Flesh: The Ancient Disease That May Or May Not Exist
–– If you’ve appeared in certain gross horror films.

Sweatpants are no longer ‘a defeat.’ Every day you get dressed is a win.
–– Hear that, naked loser sitting on the floor in the corner with quart of Häagen-Dazs in your lap, eating with hand?

Supreme Court says California worship restrictions violate religious rights
–– Get them believers to heaven ASAP!

W.H.O. Team in Wuhan Says It’s ‘Extremely Unlikely’ That Virus Came From Lab
–– Spokesman with ear piece: “What’s that, President Xi? Oh, right, make that ‘effin’ impossible.’”

WHO says an "intermediary host species" is most likely how Covid-19 was introduced to humans
–– Like when David Spade filled in for Jimmy Kimmel.

Trump's Covid-19 condition was so concerning that doctors considered putting him on a ventilator, source confirms
–– And artificial brain.

Fauci predicts ‘open season’ for vaccinations by April
–– You’re going to have to hunt down doses with bow, arrow.

Cuomo's office released more than 9,000 COVID-19 patients back to nursing homes early in the pandemic, AP finds
–– It was that or wilds of Adirondacks.

Double masking can block over 92% of potentially infectious particles from escaping, CDC study says
–– Not to sound selfish, but how about getting in?!!

The pandemic has left a huge cache of dinosaur bones stuck in the Sahara
–– Cache back rewards?

Winter coronavirus wave ebbs and deaths drop, but experts fear a spring surge
–– Surge and destroy?

Larry Flynt, Founder of Hustler Magazine, Dies at 78
–– Out like Flynt.

Mary Wilson, founding member and linchpin of the Supremes, dies at 76
–– Supreme sacrifice.

Chick Corea, Jazz Pianist Who Expanded the Possibilities of the Genre, Dead at 79
–– Checkered Corea.

Jean-Claude Carriere, ‘Unbearable Lightness of Being’ Screenwriter, Dies at 89
–– Variety can barely squeeze out 7 paragraphs. Pity Bunuel, Malle, Forman, Wajda, Schlöndorff didn’t have Twitter.

Former Secretary of State George Shultz dead at the age of 100
–– Epitaph: "I Know Nussing!'

Leon Spinks, former heavyweight champ who beat Muhammad Ali, dead at 67
–– Dental plate to occupy own crypt.

Joe Allen, Theater District Restaurateur, Is Dead at 87
–– Saloon sinker.