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Oh, the Manatee!
Week of 01/29/21

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Republican leader meets with Trump 2 weeks after pinning Capitol riot on ex-president
–– For Plummet Summit.

How Trump Ate Populism
–– With side of prou' boys.

Trump touts 'cordial' meeting with McCarthy in Florida
–– McCarthy wiped lips before kissing ass.

Trump made official what has always been obvious: He’s Florida Man
–– If that guy's former meth lab was NIH.

Members are quitting Mar-a-Lago because it has become a 'sad' and 'dispirited' place since Trump moved in, author says
–– Should change name to Mal-de-Lago.

The Trump Plaza condo board in West Palm Beach voted unanimously to dump the Trump name
–– Palm it off.

Schumer and McConnell close to finalizing pact on organizing 50-50 Senate
–– Half-ass agreement.

Biden to drop Trump’s antiabortion ‘global gag rule.’ Here’s what that means for abortion access worldwide.
–– Don't ask, don't swell.

Biden to reopen federal ACA insurance marketplace for three months
–– And issue lollipop to each new subscriber.

Biden’s sign language interpreter has translated far-right misinformation
–– Only using middle fingers.

Biden faces call to heal environmental and cultural scars of Trump border wall
–– And kiss boob’s booboos?

Rosario Dawson Shares Her Inauguration Day Memories: 'There Was So Much Light'
–– Did she have seizure?

McConnell: Biden unleashed 'tsunami of pink slips' with new energy restrictions
–– In hurricane of bullshit.

Veteran C.I.A. Officer, Who Previously Briefed George W. Bush, to Lead Biden Intelligence Sessions
–– Tenure was brief.

The Robin Hood Society has seen a surge of interest after people mistook the group celebrating the legendary outlaw for the Robinhood app
–– Read about in Little John.

Dogecoin soars 370% as Reddit group works to send the cryptocurrency 'to the moon'
–– Get along little Doge.

The ‘Roaring Kitty’ Rally: How a Reddit User and His Friends Roiled the Markets
–– Because they’re run by unscrupulous, delusional punks just like them.

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Twitter’s Trump Ban
–– Was it sleeping through night?

Trump wants a library. He must never have one.
–– Don’t even lend him a damn book!

White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki Is Drawing Uncanny Comparisons to This Scandal Star
–– Uncanny meaning ‘similar hair color’.

Tulsi Gabbard: Domestic-Terrorism Bill Is ‘a Targeting of Almost Half of the Country’
–– If the jackboot fits…

Pipe bombs found near Capitol on January 6 were placed the night before, FBI says
–– Capitol police thought they were Roman candles for Inaugural fireworks.

The ‘QAnon Shaman’ Just Flipped on Trump
–– He's presumably flipped numerous times.

Trump made 30,573 false or misleading claims as president. Nearly half came in his final year.
–– Think what he could’ve accomplished in four more years!

Jim Acosta: I've never seen Trump this alone
–– Sympathy, Jim? Is this delayed Stockholm Syndrome?

Priest who attended pro-Trump rally ahead of Capitol insurrection is suspended from post and may be defrocked
–– He can go frock self.

A Trump advisor who promised to eat his shoe if Biden won is refusing to do it, citing debunked election-fraud claims
–– Only want to see if he’s wearing it.

Proud Boys leader once cooperated with FBI, informed on other suspects in 2012 fraud case
–– So that’s what he’s proud of.

Proud Boys supporter who U.S. says had ammunition cache and made threats pleads not guilty
–– Flew the coup.

Is Accused Stalker and Kushner Family Friend Ken Kurson Donald Trump’s Most Disturbing Pardon?
–– Manafort, Flynn, Bannon, Stone? Next self-serving click-bait question.

Giuliani admits his associate asked for a fee of $20,000 a day to help Trump overturn the election, but says he didn't know about it
–– Hard to doubt when he pleads ignorance.

Dominion sues Giuliani for $1.3 billion over 'Big Lie' about election fraud
–– Claims he's no-count liar.

Michael Cohen suggests Trump may have already secretly pardoned himself and his children
–– Bought indulgences from Dark Lord.

Kellyanne Conway Accused of Posting Topless Photo of Her 16-Year-Old Daughter on Twitter
–– Busted!

Biden apologizes to National Guard chief after 5,000 soldiers had to reportedly sleep in a DC parking garage with only one bathroom
–– And really apologizes to bathroom attendant.

The GOP’s Marjorie Taylor Greene problem is spinning out of control
–– Marjorie moron star.

Marjorie Taylor Greene Mocked Over Jewish Space Lasers Conspiracy
–– Laugh along or Rothschilds will vaporize you.

Lauren Boebert Locks Parkland Survivor David Hogg, Prompting Outrage
–– Isn’t she right-wing nut character from Dilbert?

Rep. Lauren Boebert Rails Against Joe Biden's 'Unlawful' Fossil Fuel Freeze
–– Most of her constituents are fossils.

San Francisco school board votes to rename dozens of schools — including Washington and Lincoln
–– To Denzel Washington Elementary, Abbey Lincoln High.

Rep. Chip Roy Demands AOC Apologize to Ted Cruz For Accusatory Tweet
–– Chip off old blockhead.

Huntington Beach City Council trying to oust Tito Ortiz as mayor pro tem
–– Mask-denier’s name pronounced ‘Tit, oh.’

Supreme Court dismisses emolument cases against Trump
–– Goons Trump installed didn’t understand what it meant.

‘Gondor has no king': Pro-Trump lawyer files a bizarre election lawsuit citing the imaginary kingdom in Lord of The Rings
–– ‘Phil Davis has no brain.’

Rand Paul Refuses To Say Election Wasn't Stolen, Whines About Being Fact-Checked
–– Rand and raves.

Hawley now says objection to Biden's win wasn't intended to keep Trump in office despite past comments
–– Was actually designed to prove President was delusional traitor, facilitate peacefullest transfer of power possible.

Ted Cruz's 'Pittsburgh over Paris' campaign shows us just how dumb the Biden years are going to be
–– Will be Pitts.

Arizona GOP censures Flake, Ducey and McCain, signaling a fractured party in a key swing state
–– Its skull’s cracked.

Sarah Sanders announces run for Arkansas governor
–– Huckabeast!

Amanda Gorman, Poet, Gets Modeling Agent and a Stage at the Super Bowl
–– Emulating Emily Dickinson after 1858 publication in Springfield Republican.

Ella Emhoff Gets a Major Modeling Contract
–– Further proof this generation of women refuses to be judged on appearances.

The Little Things Is Shameless Copaganda
–– Yeah, why wasn’t serial killer the hero?!

NBCUniversal Chief ‘Pretty Confident’ Tokyo Summer Olympics Will Happen This Year
–– Doesn’t clear lowest bar of certitude.

Jack Scott Named Mets' Acting GM After Jared Porter Was Fired by NY
–– Just so they didn't have to change any photos in existing promotional material.

Former Estonian president compares Trump Jr to ‘exceptionally small-brained fish’
–– Latest criticism to come-down pike.

Shark Populations Are Crashing, With a ‘Very Small Window’ to Avert Disaster
–– Need a hit of H ASAP.

Naked mole rats have accents -- and use them to discriminate against foreigners
–– And creatures less beautiful than themselves.

The World’s Rarest Turtle Has a Shot at Escaping Extinction
–– If it clears eco-sphere of humans with machine gun.

Box seat: scientists solve the mystery of why wombats have cube-shaped poo
–– Square meals?

An extremely rare white kangaroo was born at a zoo in New York
–– Immediately denounced for privilege.

Deputy Mayor Found Dead, Bitten by Her Two Pet Rottweilers
–– Breed owners make more excuses for then Lindsey Graham for Donald Trump.

Baby tyrannosaurs were about the same size as a dog, new research shows
–– Played fetch with pteranodon’s head.

Russian Divers Discover Ancient Roman Sea Fortress at Tartus
–– And red British phone box.

How Dexterous Thumbs May Have Helped Shape Evolution Two Million Years Ago
–– Helped human ancestors migrate by hitch-hiking.

4,000-year-old beetle found in Natural History Museum collections
–– Under heel of T-Rex.

PETA calls on humans to denounce animal insults like 'chicken' or 'pig'
–– They're 'pea-brains', 'dick weeds', 'shallotheads.'

Freddy, the world’s tallest dog, dies at age 8
–– Clifford: ‘grrRIP.’

Alleged Dog Fighting Ring Busted, 11 People Arrested Also Face Drug Charges
–– You’ve got to be pretty high to box dog in public.

Did an Alien Life-Form Do a Drive-By of Our Solar System in 2017?
–– In a Ford Galaxy?

Reindeer lichens are having more sex than expected
–– Lichen it.

Giant rats race to sniff out disease
–– While spreading new ones.

Are Crocodiles Flawless? The Reptiles Haven't Changed in 200 Million Years
–– Or did Creator just settle?

BBC guest's mother has 'no idea' what X-rated object was on bookshelf
–– DilDoh!

Apple issues new warning: Keep your iPhone six inches away from your pacemaker
–– Unless you want iStroke.

Goldman Sachs slashes CEO pay by $10 million over massive scandal
–– Poor bastard will need to squeak by on $17.5 million.

Protests erupt in Russia after arrest of opposition leader Alexey Navalny
–– Putin to test.

Exclusive: Notorious Albanian gangster smuggles mobile phone into British prison cell to post birthday wishes to family
–– Got greety.

Macron says France will tighten legislation on incest
–– For soeur losers.

Italian authorities fight to erase giant murals in Naples that pay tribute to teenage gangsters
–– Camorra shy?

Man accused of beheading U.S. journalist Daniel Pearl ordered released by Pakistani court
–– Have they lost their minds?

Rotting fish, lost business and piles of red tape. The reality of Brexit hits Britain
–– Stinks in.

Princess Diana's former chef says 'The Crown' got her relationship with Prince Charles wrong: 'Don't say they were never in love'
–– ‘Don’t forget that weekend in '81.’

U.S. Airstrike Kills Top ISIS Leader in Iraq
–– Impressive until you realize that’s title of every other ISIS member there.

Biden UN Nominee Pledges to Combat Anti-Israel Bias, BDS, Iranian Threat
–– STD, FTD, BDSM.

Iran Threatens to Take Out Tel Aviv if Israel Follows New Military Plans
–– And not to a ‘nice place.’

Former China Huarong chairman executed after bribery conviction
–– They got Huarong man.

NYTimes reporter Donald McNeil 'reprimanded for using racist language'
–– Thought Gray Lady’s punishment was removal of tongue.

Brie Larson to Star in, Executive Produce Apple Series ‘Lessons in Chemistry’ From ‘Erin Brockovich’ Writer
–– Has zero onscreen, so good.

Julia Roberts tested Matthew Perry before agreeing to appear on 'Friends'
–– He failed urinalysis, she did anyway.

Opinion: Carey Mulligan is wrong. Actors’ looks are fair game for discussion.
–– Geez, so this writer goes to movies with eyes open?

Jennifer Lopez Says It "Didn't Seem Like I Was Loving Myself" When She Was Married to Marc Anthony
–– Or maybe doing it too much?

Lili Reinhart Speaks Out After Learning She's Being Impersonated in Interviews
–– Lobotomized Barbie Doll suspected.

Cardi B Is an Optical Illusion in a Sheer Galactic Dress by Pierre-Louis Auvray
–– If only.

Dua Lipa enjoys a dog walk with her beau Anwar Hadid in West Hollywood
–– He on new 10-ft. leash.

DJ Spinderella says she was 'wrongfully excluded' from Salt-N-Pepa's Lifetime biopic
–– Carries sentence of 8 to 12 hours in junk news cycle.

Kenneth Branagh to Play Boris Johnson in Michael Winterbottom's COVID Drama Series
–– Has already begun disheveling hair.

2 Chainz And His Dog Trappy Switch Heads In The Surreal 'Grey Area' Video
–– Apparently first did in real life.

Keira Knightley won't act in sex scenes directed by men
–– Tell us next time she’s asked.

Katherine Heigl is done apologizing
–– With so much work still to do.

Sofia Richie blows kisses at her 'twin' Lionel in rare family snaps
–– Which is perfectly normal way to refer to father.

Think Americans Wouldn’t Wager on Russian Table Tennis? Care to Bet?
–– Is that one where player holds revolver to head with one live round and must pull trigger each game they lose?

Tom Brady recalls decision to join Bucs after long history with Patriots
–– How long could you stare at Belichick’s sourpuss?

Man Attacked by 12 in NYC Chinatown is a Gang Member With 43 Arrests, Police Sources Say
–– So congratulate dozen cowards who set on him?

Poisoner who targeted a gifted dancer on Grindr sentenced to life for killing him with a date-rape drug called 'devil's breath'
–– Or 'Hellitosis.'

11 Fort Bliss soldiers injured, 2 critically, after ingesting an 'unknown substance'
–– That narrows it down.

Girl Scouts are boycotting cookie season in protest over palm oil concerns: 'They didn't feel it was right to do'
–– Tagalong for S'more Dope-Si-Dos.

Pizza Hut’s Detroit style is crunchy and cheesy, but one expert says Motor City natives ‘would be offended’
–– Didn’t use genuine crank case oil?

Coke’s new canned coffee tastes like a Coke — until it doesn’t
–– When it’s coming back up.

Grape-Nuts, Supermarket Mainstay, Is No Longer So Easy to Find
–– Raisin questions.

Budweiser is skipping the Super Bowl for the first time in nearly four decades
–– Dilly dally.

‘Jeopardy!' Contestants Somehow Fail To Recognize Photo Of Dave Chappelle
–– 'Geniuses' don’t watch enough reruns!

Godiva is closing or selling all of its stores in the United States
–– Ride off embare-assed.

Last year's American economy shrank the most since 1946
–– Went down like USS Arizona.

Can Cute Windows Resurrect a Depressed Town in Upstate New York?
–– And ease pane?

Surge of Student Suicides Pushes Las Vegas Schools to Reopen
–– Odds lowered with higher roofs?

Sanders says Democrats will push coronavirus relief package through with simple majority
–– Minority even simpler.

McDonald’s, Subway and other franchises got $15.6 billion in small-business funds
–– Even Jared in prison received 25 packs of Camels.

Philadelphia severs ties with Covid-19 testing and vaccine organization after losing 'trust in them'
–– Philly cheats’ stakes.

U.S. handling of American evacuees from Wuhan increased coronavirus risks, watchdog finds
–– Wuhan in 100,000,000. And counting.

Most nursing home workers don’t want the vaccine. Here’s what facilities are doing about it.
–– Don’t care if it’s not firing.

Older adults without family or friends lag in race to get Covid vaccines
–– And haven’t much to live for.

New COVID Mutations May Prolong Pandemic for Another Year, Despite Vaccines
–– In case you were feeling in anywise cheerful.

Deborah Birx says Covid deniers in Trump White House 'derailed' response
–– And she was tied to tracks.

Deborah Birx said Trump was being given ‘parallel data’ on covid-19
–– From Bizarro Czar.

Helping a Teen Who Is Angry About House Rules on Covid
–– So long as you don’t hurt his feelings before he fatally infects you.

Creator of popular Indomie noodles flavor dead at 59
–– Bowl’s over.

Cicely Tyson, Pioneering Hollywood Icon, Dies at 96
–– Miss Jane in pit, man.

Gayle King Recalls Cicely Tyson Wanting to Direct, Having Another Project "Up Her Sleeve"
–– Or, um, her shroud.

Larry King, CNN's Question-and-Answer Man for a Quarter-Century, Dies at 87
–– QAndA non.

Larry King, TV veteran, remembered by Hollywood as an 'American treasure'
–– Who should have been buried years ago.

Nate 'n Al's Star Server on What it Was Like to Wait on Larry King for 41 Years
–– Lots of tongue.

Cloris Leachman, Emmy- and Oscar- winning actor, dies at 94
–– Phyllis with sadness.

Cloris Leachman Made Gene Wilder Break Character Repeatedly in One Particular 'Young Frankenstein' Scene
–– Even horses were neighing with laughter.

Jerry Brandt, Whose Music Clubs Captured a Moment, Dies at 82
–– Brandt Xed.

Corky Lee, legendary Asian American photographer, dies at 73
–– Put a Corky in it.

Screenwriter Walter Bernstein dies at 101
–– From The Front to black.

Sonny Fox, TV Host Who Connected With Kids on 'Wonderama,' Dies at 95
–– In Fox hole.

Alberto Grimaldi, 'Gangs of New York' Producer, Dies at 95
–– Last Tango in Paradise.

Gregory Sierra, 'Sanford and Son' and 'Barney Miller' actor, dies at 83
–– Sierra. Madre dios!