Illegal Perking
Week of 07/02/21
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump Organization and Top Executive Are Indicted in Tax Investigation
–– Blow-by-blown accounts.
The battle to break up Big Tech has just begun
–– They love to laugh.
Former daughter-in-law of Trump Organization officer says she’s prepared to testify to grand jury
–– About Weisselberg's conduct at family gatherings?
The long, underwhelming arm of the law comes down on the Trump Organization
–– For comic slap fight.
Donald Trump Jr. says Trump Organization indictment is 'no different' than Putin's attempted killing of Alexei Navalny
–– We can pray it's more effective.
Turns out Donald Trump wasn’t the worst president in US history, historians say
–– Because he was so far below pre-20th-century concept of worst.
Matt Gaetz says he’ll nominate Donald Trump to be next Speaker of the House
–– And self as next Pope.
Trump had to cancel a July 4 weekend rally at an Alabama military memorial park after the venue backed out
–– Day of the Dud celebration.
Hot dogs: 5 little-known facts ahead of July 4
–– 4) Dogs used to make them stone cold.
As the Taliban gain ground, how long can the U.S. Embassy in Kabul stand?
–– Before it's Talibanned?
Biden grows visibly frustrated with questions on Afghanistan: ‘I want to talk about happy things’
–– ‘Like our new Afghan rug. Major just loves it.
‘Not a healthy environment’: Kamala Harris’ office rife with dissent
–– Read 'em and Veep.
Biden administration officials privately describe VP Kamala Harris' office as a 's---show,' report says
–– Publicly a 'hit show!'
'So much for ‘action’: McCarthy dials back early pledge to rein in Republicans who cross the line as Gosar, others go unpunished
–– Dial was already set at 1.
Chris Christie to pen book describing GOP descent into 'cowardice and madness'
–– Biting off even more the can he can chew.
Hillbilly Elegy Author Runs for Senate — and His Campaign Sign Mishap Immediately Goes Viral
–– Yer dern tootin'.
New York Vote-Counting Fiasco Turns Mayoral Race Upside Down
–– Can see why this bunch counts dummy ballots.
Elections board staffer resigns in wake of counting snafu
–– Had already run out of fingers.
States are so flush with funds, many are cutting taxes
–– Usually they find way to flush funds.
Bill Cosby released from prison after sexual assault conviction is vacated by Pennsylvania Supreme Court
–– No probable Cos?
Bill Cosby Speaks Out Following Overturned Conviction: ‘I Have Never Changed My Stance Nor My Story’
–– That’s absolutely true about his lies.
The Overturning Of Bill Cosby's Conviction Is Being Met With An Outpouring Of Shock And Disappointment
–– Hit the roofie.
Woman who authorities say falsely accused Black teen of stealing cell phone in NYC hotel charged with a felony hate crime
–– Might find cell after all.
Robinhood slapped with biggest-ever penalty by Wall Street regulator
–– Took knee right to littlejohn.
Federal judge blocks Florida law that would penalize social media companies
–– Because Facebook main source of crime down there.
Eric Adams has narrow lead in new ranked-choice count released following NYC election officials’ mistake
–– That is pretty rank.
Seth Rogen, Other Celebrities Denounce Sha’Carri Richardson’s Olympics Suspension: ‘If Weed Made You Fast, I’d Be FloJo’
–– Instead of JoBlow.
High level of prejudice among younger people toward Jews
–– Generation Not Z.
Surfside’s Jewish community grows closer after tower collapse: ‘It’s three degrees of separation’
–– Especially ones under rubble.
‘You’ve been very supportive’: Biden and DeSantis play nice as president surveys Surfside
–– ‘I wish your were in concrete pillar of building.’
White Helmet founder 'fell from balcony after talking to wife'
–– Should’ve been wearing one.
UNC board approves tenure for journalist Nikole Hannah-Jones after uproar over inaction on job protection
–– She earned it old fashioned way –– intimidation.
IKEA unveils LGBTQ-themed sofas -- and the internet has thoughts on its 'bisexual couch'
–– Is that lump in pillow or are you just happy to seat me?
Jennifer Aniston speaks out about the 'self torture' Matthew Perry experienced on the 'Friends' set
–– Or maybe he didn’t realize he was putting cigarettes out on own arm.
‘Zola’ stars and director on making one of the summer’s wildest films
–– Gee, how ‘wild’ can a biopic of respected 19th-century French author be?
‘Sexist’ Marilyn Monroe statue installed in Palm Springs amid widespread opposition
–– Not posed in nun’s habit she preferred?
Guardian Critic Called Out for ‘Creepy’ ‘Black Widow’ Review Fixated on Scarlett Johansson’s ‘Sensuous’ Voice
–– What kind of monster could find her sexy?
Marvel's Kevin Feige Wants to 'Continue Working' with Scarlett Johansson Despite Black Widow's Fate
–– Is superhero necrophilia 'creepy?'
Taika Waititi Reacts to PDA Photos with Rita Ora and Tessa Thompson: 'I Was Doing Nothing Wrong'
–– Taika minute to reflect.
James Franco agrees to pay over $2 million to settle lawsuit alleging he pushed students to perform explicit sex scenes at his acting school
–– In Stankislavski Method.
Ex-'Predator' host turns himself in, resolves video issue
–– Hasn’t got preyer?
'Lovecraft Country’ Season 2 Teased By Creator Misha Green After HBO Cancels Horror Drama Series
–– Guess HBO didn't read hysterical hype.
Quentin Tarantino tells critics of his Bruce Lee interpretation to 'go suck a d---'
–– 'Enter my f - - king dragon.'
Bruce Lee's daughter on Tarantino: 'I'm really f - - king tired of white men'
–– Not really elevating conversation.
‘Big Trouble in Little China' at 35: Kurt Russell says he was so sick while filming, 'You can hear it in the movie’
–– We thought that was car repeatedly backfiring.
Harrison Ford's fedora from Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom sells for $375K at auction
–– Brim job.
Spielberg’s ‘A.I.’ Divided Critics, but It’s the Ultimate Coming-of-Age Story 20 Years Later
–– Divide apathy, hate.
Jessica Alba compares Hollywood to parenting: 'They'll never love you as much as you love them'
–– Genius metaphor in which Tinseltown is… children?
Cecily Strong gives a pretty weak answer when asked if she's returning to Saturday Night Live
–– SNL writers must’ve scripted it.
If Mo’Nique Wants To Be Regarded As An Auntie Who Loves Us, Perhaps She Should Act Like It And Get Over Bonnets For Real.
–– Hats off to this headline writer.
Dancing robot dog teams up with popular K-pop band BTS
–– Has twice the charisma, three times musical chops.
An 82-year-old woman trained to be an astronaut sixty years ago. Now she’s going to space with Jeff Bezos
–– Only woman Lauren Sánchez would allow on board.
Opinion: No one was prepared for the Northwest heat wave — especially not the animals
–– Not hip to ‘heat index’?
Cattle are competing against grasshoppers for food in the West's historic drought. The bugs are winning.
–– Should’ve challenged them to wagon pull.
A no-swimming order was issued at a Cape Cod beach after a great white shark was sighted
–– Or a swimming-very-fast one.
‘Smallville’ actress Allison Mack sentenced to 3 years in prison in NXIVM case related to her involvement in a sex-trafficking ring
–– Baked Mack.
Restraining order against Trevor Bauer details graphic assault allegations, woman’s injuries
–– Struck out the snide.
Woman who allegedly caused Tour de France crash arrested
–– Handlebar muss dash.
Teenage mutant ninja turtles bought during 90s craze now overwhelming sanctuaries
–– Threatening other wildlife with nunchucks, katana swords.
Sea Anemones sometimes eat…ants. But why?
–– And who knew ants were such divers.
'You’ve been very supportive’: Biden and DeSantis play nice as president surveys Surfside
–– Was juggling hot coals at time.
China marks a century of its Communist Party with pageantry, propaganda and an iron grip
–– One hundred years of solid 'tude.
On Communist Party’s Centenary, Xi Jinping Warns Against Foreign Interference
–– Celebrate top one hundred hits including numerous entries from Great Leap Forward.
China is building a sprawling network of missile silos, satellite imagery appears to show
–– Birthday present to self.
Tibet’s first bullet train line enters service
–– First since Chinese soldiers trained bullets on monks.
The Philippines hopes the voices of this all-female coast guard unit will keep Chinese ships away
–– Or lure onto stony reefs to sink.
Man hospitalized in serious condition after shark bite in Northern California
–– Did shark seek medical attention?
Radioactive wild boar-pig hybrid emerges in nuclear wasteland of Fukushima
–– Tusks light up in dark.
Cows Have Hungry Stomach Microbes Capable of Breaking Down Some Plastics
–– More moocrobes.
Rattle snake owner has reptiles seized from home after deadly zebra cobra escapes
–– Police send black and white to chase it down.
Snake populations could explode as a result of climate change
–– Or due to drunken rednecks with spare dynamite.
An emaciated manatee in Florida appears to search desperately for food
–– Or meth.
In fossilized dinosaur poop, scientists find hidden treasure
–– Dino swallowed Wilma Flintstone’s wedding ring.
Are inflatable hot tubs worth it? Absolutely. Here are 5 you should check out
–– Just don’t wear your metal codpiece in it.
Clorox stock is getting wiped out
–– Scrubbed?
North Korea’s Kim warns of ‘grave incident’ in fight against the coronavirus
–– And he’s usually so measured in public statements.
‘Are you f---ing kidding me?': A Pence staffer blew up over his WSJ op-ed praising the Trump administration's COVID-19 response, a new book says
–– A Pence staffer? Are you f---ing kidding me?
Trump called the White House Coronavirus Task Force 'that f---ing council that Mike has': book
–– Pense pal?
Trump said, 'yeah, okay' and hung up the phone when his health secretary warned him about the coronavirus in January 2020, a new book says
–– In fairness he was surfing Stormy Daniels porn videos at time.
Donald Rumsfeld, Defense Secretary During Iraq War, Is Dead at 88
–– Fin Rummy.
History unlikely to forgive Donald Rumsfeld’s Iraq warmongering
–– That's known known.
Robert Sacchi Dies: Actor And ‘The Man With Bogart’s Face’ Star Was 89
–– Sunk a Bogie.
