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A Mute Point
Week of 09/17/21

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Spoof ad for Gaffer Tape: For Loose Lips with White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki standing behind President Biden with his mouth taped over and her holding a roll.No, the White House did not ‘silence’ Biden with a mute ‘button’
–– Shut up!

How Joe Biden Became Irish
–– The jig is up.

In California, Worsening Fires Show Limits of Biden’s Power
–– Y’mean President can’t just blow them out?

Biden Announces Defense Deal With Australia in a Bid to Counter China
–– After initially reaching out to Wizard of Oz.

France Is Outraged by U.S. Nuclear Submarine Deal With Australia
–– Condemn ‘fruits de merde.’

Trump, Elder’s campaign falsely claimed fraud before California votes were counted — a growing GOP tactic
–– Elder buried whine.

California Gov. Gavin Newsom defeats the recall effort to remove him from office
–– Changed tires, catalytic converter on own.

Opinion: Newsom’s winning recall strategy offers a playbook for Democrats in 2022
–– So get unpopular enough to trigger ridiculous recall, then survive it?

Caitlyn Jenner says she 'can't believe' voters kept Newsom in office after receiving only about 1% of the vote in the California recall election
–– 'Incredulous' E! cancelled I Am Cait five years ago.

As G.O.P. Digs In on Debt Ceiling, Democrats Try Shaming McConnell
–– Good luck with that.

Pentagon acknowledges Aug. 29 drone strike in Afghanistan was a tragic mistake that killed 10 civilians.
–– Vows to discipline drone.

Taliban leaders had a massive brawl after disagreeing over which of them did the most to boot the US out of Afghanistan, report says
–– Lungee jumping.

Hawley threatens to block national security nominees unless Austin and Blinken resign over Afghanistan
–– Got to be Joshing.

Blinken: Even the most "pessimistic assessments" did not predict the collapse of Afghan forces in Kabul
–– Operation ‘Put on a Cheery Face’ successful.

ISIS 'bride' should be treated 'as a terrorist' not 'lost gap-year student': Security official
–– And 'behead of the class.'

Head of armed group that bombed Minnesota mosque in act of ‘domestic terrorism’ gets 53 years in prison
–– Dirty Hari.

Texas judge issues injunction against anti-abortion group on enforcing new law
–– States, ’Nooses a no-no.’

Senators condemn protest at Kavanaugh’s home after Texas abortion law allowed to take effect
–– Interrupts beer bash.

How Wisconsin is ruled by a shadow governor
–– With more holes than Swiss cheese.

Top general was so fearful Trump might spark war that he made secret calls to his Chinese counterpart, new book says
–– Who reassured him Xi was nearly as crazy.

Trump reportedly told Pence he wouldn't want to be his friend anymore if he didn't block election certification
–– Dangled friendship ring over sewer grate.

'You have no power': Former VP Dan Quayle told Mike Pence he had to certify the 2020 election after getting pressure to overturn it by Trump, new book claims
–– Read it and veep.

Trump shattered tradition on Fed chair. Some Dems want Biden to do the same.
–– Yeah, but he took dump on it.

Trump's lawyers had a 'law school 101 discussion' about explaining to him how the Supreme Court works, book says
–– Ended with ‘grade school Number 2 discussion.’

Giuliani denies being drunk in rambling 9/11 speech where he did an impression of the Queen, saying he only had one whisky
–– ‘At least I think it said ‘whisky’ on the empty bottle.’

Ohio House Republican, Calling Trump ‘a Cancer,’ Bows Out of 2022
–– According to tumor mill.

Biden, Obama and Clinton mark 9/11 in New York with display of unity
–– While Bush searched for its deeper meaning in The Pet Goat.

George W. Bush perfectly tied 9/11 to the January 6 attack
–– Ever the master of metaphor.

Biles and Her Teammates Rip the F.B.I. for Botching Nassar Abuse Case
–– With scissor kick to American Gymnastics' groin.

FBI fires agent who failed to pursue tips about sex abuse by USA Gymnastics doctor Larry Nassar
–– Agency flipped.

Why there isn't going to be a Chris Christie comeback
–– They don’t make crow pies big enough for his appetite.

Tucker Carlson Admits He Sometimes Lies On His Show
–– Mum on whether he ever tells truth.

No Politics and No Dirty Jokes: Jay Leno Wants to Have Good, Clean Fun With ‘You Bet Your Life’ Revival
–– And No Laughs.

‘Medium is the message’: AOC defends ‘tax the rich’ dress worn to Met Gala
–– Certainly wasn’t rare or well-done.

A.O.C.’s Met Gala Dress Triggered Strong Reactions
–– Met failer.

Kim Kardashian West's faceless Met Gala look was anything but incognito
–– But what a relief!

Matt Damon and Ben Affleck know you're wigging out about their Last Duel hairstyles
–– Mullet over.

Jessica Chastain says Oscar Isaac sang to her and they drank bourbon before filming an 'embarrassing' sex scene for their new HBO series
–– Shot by shot description.

Jessica Chastain Looks Nautical in Royal Blue Jumpsuit and Strappy Sandals
–– Like she was at tag sail.

Helena Bonham Carter Said Tim Burton Decorated His Christmas Tree With "Dead Babies"
–– Surrounded by decapitated elves, gutted reindeer.

Is ‘Dear Evan Hansen’ Really That Much of a Disaster?
–– Evansgate?

The Broadway Star Who Became One of His Generation’s Most In-Demand Voices
–– We’ll give you 20 minutes and 5 wrong guesses.

Michael Vartan got, um, too excited during that Never Been Kissed scene with Drew Barrymore
–– Had never been kissed down there.

LeVar Burton Retires Quest to Become ‘Jeopardy’ Host: ‘It Wasn’t the Thing I Wanted After All’
–– We demand Burton of proof.

Todd Rundgren calls Kanye West just a 'shoe designer' and a 'dilettante' after working on Donda
–– Pretty much Dondahead.

Patrick Dempsey’s ‘Terrorizing the Set’ Led to ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ Ouster, Producer Says
–– McNightmarey!

Alanis Morissette bashes her HBO documentary 'Jagged': 'This was not the story I agreed to tell'
–– Acting like little pill.

Lana Wachowski Explains Why She Revived Neo and Trinity for 'The Matrix Resurrections'
–– With screenshot of checking account balance.

Denis Villeneuve Says ‘Cut and Paste’ Marvel Movies Have ‘Turned Us Into Zombies’
–– Explaining why he tried to eat interviewer’s brain.

‘Possession’ Restoration Trailer: Andrzej Żuławski’s Anguished Nightmare Returns to the Big Screen
–– Still Żułousy.

Kumail Nanjiani Says Costar Angelina Jolie 'Always Hung Out' on Eternals Set
–– Blames wardrobe department.

Dolly Parton's debut perfume is already breaking records — and it's finally back in stock
–– If you were wondering what hog rolling in ammonia smells like.

At 91, Clint Eastwood throws a punch and rides a horse in his new movie. And he’s not ready to quit
–– Plans to punch horse, ride human.

‘The Wire’ Creator: Michael K. Williams Reprised Omar One Final Time Years After Series Ended
–– Sadly, junkie part.

'The Sopranos' creator is 'extremely angry' his prequel movie is premiering on HBO Max the same time it's in theaters: 'It was designed to be a movie'
–– Admits sitting around at home surrounded by soppressata, mutz, Chianti can’t hurt.

Irina Shayk Recalls 'Hands-on Dad' Bradley Cooper Taking Daughter on 2-Week Trip with 'No Nanny'
–– Wow, parenting star is born.

Julianne Hough says she's 'deeply listening' to 'The Activist' criticism
–– Even bought hearing aid.

Chrissy Teigen says she had surgery to remove fat from her cheeks
–– Left contents of head alone?

Dua Lipa Abs Look So Toned, They're Scary In A New Vampire-Themed Instagram Post
–– Sucked in.

Halle Berry says her appearance 'hasn't spared me one heartbreak or heartache': 'I've had loss and pain'
–– Yes, children, beautiful people can be victims, too.

’Lord of the Rings' actors voice their support of Italian pastry chef's plan to build a Hobbit-inspired pub and solar-powered shire
–– Where drunks are constantly banging head.

A Chess Pioneer Sues, Saying She Was Slighted in ‘The Queen’s Gambit’
–– Felt rooked.

People Can't Get Over How Supportive These Parents Are After Their Daughter Shared News About Her Sex Work Through A PowerPoint Presentation
–– Dad even stuffed $20-dollar bill in G-string.

A man who called himself a 'concerned citizen' and defended Theranos founder Elizabeth Holmes to reporters at her fraud trial turned out to be her boyfriend's dad
–– Real Holmesboy.

Man claims Disney 'brainwashes' guests into buying food at theme parks: 'Not being dramatic'
–– How’d they get him through front gate?

Zealot R.I.P. is making a big noise for all ages
–– Of sad would-be punks.

Judge orders Prince Philip's will to remain sealed 90 years to protect 'dignity' of Queen Elizabeth
–– Bequeathment of French tickler collection blamed.

Palace: Yes, the Queen Really Did Send Congrats Note to Kim Jong Un
–– Was ‘frightfully’ delayed congratulations for winning Oscar for Parasite.

Dueling ballistic missile tests on Korean Peninsula signal rising tensions
–– Set to Dueling Gayageums played by idiot on porch of Pyongyang shack.

Japan's defense minister draws red line in island dispute with China
–– In water, but still…

Three former U.S. intelligence operatives admit to working as ‘hackers-for-hire’ for UAE
–– Former claims termed 'Dubaious.'

Robert Durst, New York real estate heir who prosecutors say confessed in HBO documentary, found guilty of best friend's murder
–– Durst trap.

Derek Chauvin's bodyguard wouldn't let him eat any court-provided meals to prevent any poisoning attempts
–– Made sure he only got white meat.

Gabby Petito: Police spoke to woman who claimed to see Laundrie days after Gabby last seen
–– In laundromat?

Alex Murdaugh turns himself in on charges connected to insurance fraud scheme
–– Murdaugh most foul.

‘Frankenstein’ Coupons Worth $31 Million Result in 12-Year Sentence
–– Because monster talks really slow.

How teens can reignite friendships as they return to school
–– By forcing them to sit down and read this very informative article in a newspaper.

Former Pentagon UFO Official Luis Elizondo to Reveal “Shocking Details” in New Book
–– Fuckup and saucer.

The ozone hole over the South Pole is now bigger than Antarctica
–– In case you had intention of feeling good about life even for instant.

Cow pee is an environmental problem. But now scientists say calves can be potty-trained.
–– Or made to wear Bovine Depends.

A Kansas boy entered a unique insect at the state fair. It triggered a federal investigation.
–– Well, yeah… Mothra!

Slaughter of nearly 1,500 dolphins sparks outcry over traditional hunt in Faroe Islands
–– Which sorta sounds like laughter.

Scientists want to resurrect the woolly mammoth. They just got $15 million to make it happen
–– Should cover unless situation gets hairy.

Woman Admits Sexual Experience With Dolphin As Part Of NASA Study
–– Whoa, a dolphin in space?

Cobra wraps itself around 6-year-old’s neck for 2 hours. child survives
–– Parents 5 minutes from setting up Go Fund Me campaign to snake: “Hold that pose!”

NYPD plucks dog out of Hudson River to safety
–– Heartwarming until you read it was pit bull.

Alligator suspected of killing man after Hurricane Ida found with human remains in stomach
–– Gator: ‘I swear I didn’t know what was in that burger my wife made.’

King Tides are coming to parts of flood-prone South Florida
–– Which is some sort of super detergent we assume.

Archaeologists Discover Trove of Artifacts at Site of 19th-Century Alabama Tavern
–- Covered in racist graffiti.

Nicki Minaj Calls Joy Reid A ‘C--n’ & Blasts Everyone Who Accused Her Of Spreading Misinformation About The COVID-19 Vaccine
–– Rack ‘c--n’?

‘The View': Ana Navarro Marvels That Nicki Minaj’s Vax Resistance ‘Got Tucker Carlson to Defend a Black Woman’
–– Minaj á twat.

Gov. Ron DeSantis let a man falsely claim the COVID-19 vaccine 'changes your RNA' during an anti-vaccine-mandate press conference in Florida
–– Thought he said RNC.

Mike Huckabee Blames COVID-19 Vaccine Hesitancy On Biden ‘Boring Us To Death’ With Science
–– How about virus killing us to death?

Newly revealed emails add to 'growing body of evidence' that Trump was aware of coronavirus threat early on
–– How do you prove ‘aware’ with Trump?

Florida landlord says tenants must get the covid vaccine: ‘You don’t want to get vaccinated? You have to move’
–– Rent and stumpy.

Vaccine Mandates Crash Into America’s ‘Don’t Tell Me What To Do’ State
–– Nevada aka ‘I Can Kill Myself Perfectly Well on My Own’ state.

Arkansas governor: Biden's Covid-19 vaccine mandate 'hardens the resistance' to them
–– How much harder can heads get?

Jeff Bridges says he was 'close to the pearly gates' while battling Covid during cancer treatment
–– Heaven’s Gate II?

Jeff Bridges reveals he caught COVID-19 during chemotherapy: 'COVID makes my cancer look like a piece of cake'
–– 'A knobby, mucousy, foul-smelling piece, but still…'

Howard Stern to Joe Rogan: 'A doctor would also give you a vaccine, so why take horse-dewormer?'
–– Thought it might remove ones in brain.

Thousands of LAPD employees seek vaccine exemptions while police officials sue city over mandate
–– Cops' jab action.

Reuben Klamer, toy inventor who created the Game of Life, dies at 99
–– Plays Dead.

Joel Rapp, Sitcom Writer on ‘McHale’s Navy’ and ‘Gilligan’s Island,’ Dies at 87
–– That’s a wrapp.

Jean-Claude van Itallie, ‘America Hurrah’ Playwright, Dies at 85
–– Last Hurrah.

Jane Powell, Hollywood’s Girl Next Door, Is Dead at 92
–– Will be buried in flower garden between houses.

Norm Macdonald, acerbic comedian from ‘Saturday Night Live,’ dies at 61
–– Old McDonald bought the farm.

Norm Macdonald once joked he hated the phrase 'lost his battle with cancer' 10 years before he died of the disease
–– Was split decision.

Bill Maher Praises Norm Macdonald for Keeping Cancer Battle Private
–– Nothing out of the Norm.