Perp Wack
Week of 08/06/21
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Already Distorting Jan. 6, G.O.P. Now Concocts Entire Counternarrative
–– Entitled ‘The Bitch Asked For It.’
How Cuomo Took Advantage of #MeToo
–– And how it's now screwing him.
Jan. 6 committee faces unprecedented choice of whether to call Republican lawmakers to testify
–– Doubts if they could handle unprecedented number of perjury charges.
Mark Meadows Says He's Meeting With Trump And Shadow 'Cabinet Members' On 'Real Plans’
–– Along with 99% of make-believe ones?
Judge to Capitol riot defendant: 'Patriotism is loyalty to country, loyalty to the Constitution'
–– Rioter to Judge: ‘But you never saw Him in person brilliantly mimicking that crippled journalist or eloquently attacking the Mexican rapists or bravely defending my right to water pressure in my shower. You, Sir, don't know what true loyalty is!'
Capitol police brace for new ‘huge’ MAGA protest backing 6 January rioters
–– 'Bigly'?
Move over, Barefoot, this new MAGA wine is now the worst wine
–– Grapes crushed by QAnon Shaman’s bare foot.
Rudy Giuliani Is Reportedly Almost Broke And Trump's Shutting Him Out
–– Boy, if you can't depend on Donald Trump!
Rudy Giuliani: If I Go to Jail, Those Who Put Me There ‘Will Suffer the Consequence in Heaven’
–– ‘While me and the Donald look up. Way way up.’
Andrew Giuliani tries to shed city boy image — and win a shot at Cuomo
–– OK with shitty boy image?
Lawyers Say AG Set Out To Get Evidence Against Gov. Cuomo In Harassment Investigation
–– aka Her job.
Cuomo team attacks state's report after staffer files criminal complaint against governor
–– Abuse mooch.
Antiabortion activists at Supreme Court cite an unlikely authority for overturning Roe v. Wade: Ruth Bader Ginsburg
–– And an unborn fetus.
Lawmaker wounded at Jonestown massacre compares Trump to cult leader
–– With all his Kool-Aides.
Mary Trump Reveals Her Uncle’s Callous Comment That ‘Sent A Chill Down My Spine’
–– 'Like his cold, tiny fingers embracing backs of female relatives at family gatherings.'
Sarah Palin hints at Alaska Senate run against Republican Lisa Murkowski
–– And planned early retirement from office.
Marjorie Taylor Greene will reportedly go to the Iowa State Fair, raising eyebrows
–– Not ears of corn?
–– Will block his run?
Democrats increase pressure on party leadership to act on eviction moratorium as White House shifts focus to federal aid
–– Lease they can do.
Renters are rejoicing now that eviction ban has been extended. What you need to know
–– That guy in 4G has some killer weed you can now afford.
Donald Trump's political organization builds war chest topping $100 million
–– Minus ‘service fees’ to Trump Organization.
Trump commands historic attention for an ex-president. That may hurt the GOP.
–– As long as it helps cable news ratings.
Biden nominates Khizr Khan, a Gold Star father and Trump critic, to religious freedom post
–– Gets Trump right in the Khizr.
Biden extends freeze on student loans as progressives push to cancel them
–– And send every student who paid up 'Sucker' postcard.
Sinema strikes big bipartisan infrastructure deal and suffers a Democratic backlash
–– Bridge a butt meant.
‘Powerful signal’: Biden’s infrastructure bill sends message to China
–– Which they already hacked months ago.
The Future of Cryptocurrency Is Being Decided in Biden's Infrastructure Bill
–– Along with invisible train tracks, imaginary highways.
Biden sees worst record of confirmed ambassador appointees in recent history
–– On Cruz control.
Daily clashes between Jen Psaki and Fox News’s Peter Doocy
–– Ass-y Doocy.
Larry David Was Invited, Then Uninvited, to Obama’s 60th Birthday Bash
–– Petty, petty, petty good.
DeJoy maintains financial ties to former company as USPS awards it new $120 million contract
–– What do you expect from junk male?
U.S. Postal Service finalizes plan to slow some mail deliveries
–– Finally receives proposals posted two months ago.
A Long Island county's legislature will vote on bill that would allow police to sue protesters and seek damages up to $50,000
–– Provides for one whack on violator’s head with billy club.
More Clergy Abuse Is Finally Being Prosecuted, No Thanks To The Church, A Lawyer Says
–– Wearing priestly grab.
Firefighters face unprecedented conditions as they try to save towns from Dixie fire
–– Should they just whistle at it?
This woman has the largest mouth in the world, according to Guinness
–– World that includes Kimberley Guilfoyle.
Raven Saunders’ X podium protest: What it means and why the IOC is investigating
–– And why IOC will never sanction her?
How misogynoir is oppressing Black women athletes
–– And making lexicographers shake.
The US women's soccer team misses out on gold after semifinal loss
–– Steam goals.
Rapinoe on USA loss: 'We didn't have that juice. It sucks'
–– Can we see her epic whupped pose now?
Sha’Carri Richardson Slammed With Criticism Over ‘Missing Me Yet?’ Tweet
–– We’ll write slowly because you’re high: ’N…O…!’
Olympics-Karate-Unconscious Ganjzadeh gets gold as opponent disqualified
–– Ironically dropped on head, concussed again.
NBC’s Summer Olympics ratings are in free-fall
–– Like drunk gymnast on balance beam.
Hong Kong man arrested for allegedly booing Chinese anthem while watching Olympics
–– Currently competing in discus catch.
Japan’s incredible convenience stores thrust into the Olympic spotlight
–– As journalists desperately search for fresh material.
Taylor Swift Tells Simone Biles She "Cried" Seeing Her "Resilience" at the Tokyo Olympics
–– Before looking up meaning of word.
Taylor Swift sends letter to Irish paddleboarders who were stranded at sea
–– Awkwardly addresses them as 'Dear Paddies.'
Tucker Carlson Annoys Seth MacFarlane So Much He’s Considering Taking ‘Family Guy’ Off Fox
–– Who is ironically perfect audience.
Bragging about not bathing your kids is a blatant act of white privilege
–– Sorta off-white privilege.
After decades of invisibility, asexuals are speaking up and gaining ground: ‘I don’t need to be fixed because I’m not broken.’
–– They rarely stick out.
As MTV Turns 40, It’s Time to Embrace the Generation That Grew Up With It
–– With Spanx.
Suzanne Somers 'proud' of nearly-nude 'birthday suit' photo: 'I was 73 and it was natural'
–– ‘And I forgot where I put my clothes.’
Jennifer Lopez's Yellow String Bikini Is from Frankies So Pls Run Don't Walk
–– Sorry we walked from this moronic headline.
The foreign language you didn't know Ben Affleck could speak
–– J-Loco.
Shailene Woodley on being called 'The Hippy of Hollywood': 'I used to get offended by that'
–– 'But now I dig how uptight the squares are, man.'
Natalie Portman Drama ‘The Days of Abandonment’ Dead at HBO After Star Exits
–– Fulfilling title.
Rosanna Arquette: ‘I fear the world will fall into the hands of fascist dictators – and white supremacy’
–– We were just about to ask.
Disney World Feels Need To Explain To Guests That Star Wars: Galactic Starcruiser Won’t Actually Take Them Into Space
–– Figured if they were dumb enough to buy ticket…
Kit Harington's favorite Game of Thrones moment came during a pee break
–– With little Jon in snow.
Lea Michele celebrates her C-section scar while posing in a bikini: 'It's the greatest reminder in the whole world'
–– ‘Because I’m always forgetting I have a child.’
You Can Definitely See Weasel's Penis in 'The Suicide Squad'
–– Weasel’s weasel?
All the Major Deaths in 'The Suicide Squad' Ranked
–– 1-10,000: Lousy.
Disgraced Comedian Louis C.K. Is Going On A Comeback Tour
–– Expected to open for self.
’Ultimate Slip 'N Slide' is no more: NBC cancels show two months after giardia halted production
–– Slipping, sliding down alimentary canal.
Van conversion businesses can't keep up with #vanlife demand
–– Especially white unmarked ones in pervier locales.
This New Jean-Claude Van Damme Action Flick Just Reached #3 on Netflix's List of Top Movies
–– Part of #Vanlife demand?
Sorry, Rihanna. I can’t celebrate billionaires – even if they are Black
–– What a courageous stand!
The return of Jimmy Cliff: ‘Rebel spirit is still in the Jamaican people’
–– Cliff notes?
C-Murder Believes Concealed Documents With DNA Evidence Can Prove His Innocence
–– And wonders if he should have changed name before trial.
LeBron James Called Jadakiss The Most Underrated Hip-Hop Artist 'Of All-Time'
–– Music critic Lebron James?
Ice-T Makes It Clear He Has No Problem With Coco Austin Breastfeeding Their Five-Year-Old
–– As long as she can squeeze him in.
Here's Diddy's Response to People Questioning How He Knew He Had 15 Cockroaches on His Face
–– In roach clip.
Kanye West's Long-Rumored Giant Dong Made A Cameo On His Livestream And People Can't Stop Talking About It
–– Cheezy!
Big Sean Claims He Grew 2 Inches With Chiropractor’s Help
–– Of additional Little Sean.
Watch Billie Eilish Cover “I’m in the Mood for Love”
–– With sputum.
Watch Lorde’s rooftop performance of ‘Stoned At The Nail Salon’
–– See her polish it off.
Barbra Streisand Says She Loves to 'Have a Purpose Bigger Than Myself' as She Talks Philanthropy
–– Then bemoans fact nothing is bigger than her.
70 Thoughts I Had While Rewatching A League of Their Own
–– 40-20: Did I forget to buy milk?
Darius Rucker on 35 Years of Hootie & the Blowfish
–– And whatever happened to Owls.
Waffle House waitress who worked a double shift while looking after her baby says she received a $1,000 tip from a country-music star who was impressed by her work ethic
–– We’ll have to take her word on that.
FBI and Detroit police taught 'White Boy Rick' the drug game then double-crossed him, he says. Now, he wants $100 million
–– Whine Boy Rick.
I took the stage at the comedy club and all I could see was my own reflection – and those people I couldn’t see weren't laughing
–– OK, we get it, you stink.
Woman looks “15 years younger” after following advice by TikTok teens
–– ‘Stare stupidly at TikTok videos.’
Real estate tycoon Robert Durst, accused of killing his close friend, now expected to take the stand tomorrow
–– The Durstbag.
Are massage guns worth it? We asked the experts to find out
–– Yes, for shooting pains.
5 ways to adjust your sleep schedule to go back to the office
–– 4. Build bed under your desk.
Giraffes May Be as Socially Complex as Chimps and Elephants
–– Though tougher to make eye contact with.
Squirrels Use Parkour Moves and Savvy to Stick Tricky Landings
–– Hoping to add event to 2024 Olympics.
Hyenas Hoarded Thousands of Human, Animal Bones in Saudi Arabian Lava Tube
–– And still didn’t get own TLC series.
‘A huge mistake.’ Raleigh snake collector pleads guilty after spitting cobra escape
–– Splitting cobra.
North Carolina Man Catches Fish With Human-Like Teeth
–– Just sticks head in water, chomps down on them.
Kayaker encounters huge water snake slumped over log in Michigan river
–– After heavy night of drinking.
What kind of fish is that? Wisconsin family makes 'super rare' catch in Florida waters.
–– 'With Granny's head in its mouth?'
Floods are getting worse, and the number of people exposed is 10 times higher than previously thought, study finds
–– And are all expected to wet selves.
Africa's most populous city is battling floods and rising seas. It may soon be unlivable, experts warn
–– They're just floating the idea.
Preserved ice age lion cubs found in ’near-perfect condition’ in Siberia
–– Eric Trump tries to buy to mount heads on wall.
Researchers Find Physical Evidence of Earthquake Described in Old Testament
–– Shakers impressed.
Everything movies taught you about gladiators is wrong
–– Gee, and we've been studying Demetrius and the Gladiators for years.
2,400-Year-Old Baskets Still Filled With Fruit Found in Submerged Egyptian City
–– Edible Arrangement in shape of Sphinx.
‘It could feed the world’: amaranth, a health trend 8,000 years old that survived colonization
–– And tastes like dry straw!
What NASA's Technicolor Mosaic Images of the Moon Can Teach Us About the Lunar Surface
–– It is fab-u-lous!
About 2 Million Dehumidifiers In The U.S. Have Been Recalled Over Possible Fire Hazard
–– Nice dry fires.
Big feelings are normal. How to help tweens and teens handle them
–– Write extensive articles about how they’re no big deal.
What To Wear This Summer If You’re A Mosquito Magnet
–– Red dots artfully arranged on arms, legs.
Officials split on masking children in schools as pediatric hospitals fill up with Covid-19 patients
–– Some just want to get enrollment down.
As Covid Surges in Florida, DeSantis Refuses to Change Course
–– Golf cart half way to bottom of Biscayne Bay.
Lindsey Graham tests positive for Covid-19 and has had 'flu-like symptoms' despite being vaccinated
–– Vax flopuli.
Sturgis Motorcycle Rally revs up, drawing thousands and heightening delta superspreader fears
–– Virus hog wild.
Boston Mayor compared vaccine policy to slavery-era freedom papers and birtherism
–– Hold on a COVID-pickin' moment.
Jon Lindbergh, Aviator’s Son Who Took to the Sea, Dies at 88
–– Lacky Lindy.
Albert Bandura, eminent psychologist known for Bobo doll experiment, dies at 95
–– Bobo whoa!
Thea White, voice of Muriel in 'Courage the Cowardly Dog,' dead at 81
–– Bark parked.
