Flag Waivers
Week of 07/09/21
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Biden forcefully defends Afghan pullout despite Taliban gains
–– Gonna be glorious retreat.
Sea otters defy our understanding of metabolism
–– Then hit the books.
Biden defends pulling US out of Afghanistan as Taliban advances: 'We did not go to Afghanistan to nation-build'
–– ‘Kinda the opposite…whatever you call that.’
Taliban says it controls most of Afghanistan, reassures Russia
–– That their earlier war was not most pointless disaster.
Iran and Russia move to fill diplomatic vacuum in Afghanistan
–– With rhetorical lint.
Art gallery owner selling Hunter Biden's paintings estimates they'll go for $75,000 to $500,000 each
–– Depending where buyer is on Psychotic Symptom Rating Scales.
Texas Republicans Reveal Bills of Far-Reaching Voting Restrictions
–– So-called 'Black-out Blind.'
Clyburn doesn't want a former president testifying before select committee but says Trump should 'if it comes to that'
–– 'And hearings need ratings boost.'
Trump Organization CFO Allen Weisselberg has been terminated as the director of one of Trump's golf courses in Scotland
–– The puttz.
Trump’s Oval Office was nicknamed 'the Star Wars bar' because so many bizarre characters would hang out there, Wolff says
–– Not Jabber the Nutt's Palace?
How come I always get the worst lawyers?': Trump seethed that he had the 'stupidest' attorneys in his second impeachment trial, book says
–– Helps being shittiest client.
Trump’s aides believed Rudy Giuliani was always buzzed, 'in the mumble tank,' and on the verge of becoming senile, new book says
–– Or likelier to defend Trump.
Trump once told a caller that Rudy Giuliani drank too much, was a loose cannon, and said 'a lot of s---' that wasn't true, new book says
–– And other reasons he trusted him.
Trump charged Secret Service nearly $10,200 in May for agents’ rooms
–– Peepee prosties on house.
Marjorie Taylor Greene admits Trump won't be reinstated in the White House in August
–– Still hedging bets on return of Jesus next week.
‘We don’t like bullies, egomaniacs or jerks’: Allen West crashes Texas governor’s race
–– Wait, you did say this was Texas, right?
Melania Trump Spotted in New York for First Time Since Leaving the White House: 'She Never Liked Press Scrutiny'
–– Rare like Abominable Slovene.
109 Mayors, All Men. When Will New York Elect a Woman?
–– Herronor miss botch?
Virginia ‘Bible study’ group was cover for violent militia plans, prosecutors say
–– Old Testament could teach some lessons in smiting.
Trump seemingly acknowledges facts of prosecutors' case against Trump Organization while criticizing charges over 'fringe benefits'
–– Make that ‘perfect fringe benefits.’
The stimulus helped these Trump voters pay rent and bills. But they blame it for a range of economic ills.
–– Most received degrees at Lowdown School of Economics.
America desperately needs 1 million more construction workers
–– Ladies report desperate shortage of wolf whistles.
Jeff Bezos retires with 739,489 times the median American’s wealth
–– Absurd, but median American didn't remake society.
Vatican History of Obfuscation Clouds News on Francis’ Health
–– Tough to get censer what's happening.
GOP Sen. Ron Johnson mouths to GOP luncheon that climate change is ‘bullshit"
–– Like everything else that comes out of his mouth?
Man arrested after guns were found in his Chicago hotel room. The mayor called them 'weapons of war’
–– He called them armenities.
Michael Avenatti tearfully tells judge 'I alone have destroyed my career' at sentencing for Nike extortion plot
–– We had a sneaker suspicion.
Stormy Daniels reacts to Michael Avenatti's sentencing: 'I realized I too became his victim'
–– Oh, my dear, aren’t we all?
Avenatti Cries as He’s Sentenced to Prison for ‘Outrageous’ Extortion Scheme
–– No more stormy denials?
’Should We Sell?’ After Collapse, Hot Florida Market Faces Uncertainty.
–– Can sell both high, low simultaneously.
Opinion: What the programming list for Fox’s new weather channel will look like
–– Heavy on blue states being battered by storms.
Phylicia Rashad pens letter to Howard students and parents: "I offer my most sincere apology"
–– Cos and effect.
Nikole Hannah-Jones to join Howard faculty after UNC tenure controversy
–– After diss orientation.
We Disagree on a Lot of Things. Except the Danger of Anti-Critical Race Theory Laws.
–– Anti-hate hate laws?
Investigation finds no racial bias by employee who cut biracial girl's hair, Michigan school district says
–– Critics assumed it was lock.
Lou Diamond Phillips Has Worked His Whole Life to Play a Filipino-American Character
–– We always wondered about ethnicity of all his awful roles.
The View’ ladies were ‘at their wits’ end’ before Meghan McCain’s exit
–– Had View to a kill.
Allison Mack Speaks Out Before Sentencing: “This Was the Biggest Mistake and Regret of My Life”
–– Glad there wasn’t anything worse.
Lil Baby in police custody in Paris, James Harden stopped by the police
–– Held in playpen.
‘Arthur’ Casting Director Reveals Why D.W. Read Has Only Ever Been Voiced By Young Boys
–– Accused of Aardvark-washing.
Box Office: ‘F9’ Zooms Past $500 Million Globally
–– Confirming pandemic did nothing to improve global taste.
‘The Shining’ Fans Celebrated The 100-Year Anniversary Of The Film’s Biggest Holiday Party
–– There was more than one?
Film Noir Festival at Hollywood Legion Theater Looks to Make July a Little More Shadowy
–– Like The Big Heat?
Henry Winkler: We Need a Cataclysmic Event to Bring Us All Together!!!
–– Like Happy Days reunion?
Pete Davidson says it will take two more years to remove his tattoos
–– Then it’s ‘tat’s all, folks.’
Christina Haack reveals she smoked toad venom that rid her 15 years of anxiety: It 'reset my brain'
–– At least that’s what six-foot-tall purple amphibian who sold it to her said it was.
Christine McGuinness shocked after duck relieves itself on her patio
–– Really was expecting goose.
Brendan Fraser looks different after playing a 600-pound man
–– Like most any actor?
Adam Driver Lights Up a Cigarette for Cannes Five-Minute Standing Ovation for ‘Annette’
–– Took a drag –– his role in film.
Blade’ Star Stephen Dorff Blasts Marvel Films, “Embarrassed” For ‘Black Widow’ Star Scarlett Johansson
–– Dorff goes fishing.
How and Where to Watch 'Black Widow' Before Everyone Spoils It For You
–– Let movie do its own spoiling.
Scarlett Johansson, Florence Pugh form 'Black Widow' sisterhood, plan lasagna cooking videos
–– Like film, filled with cheese.
Jodie Foster would now like to be in a Marvel movie 3 years after comparing them to 'fracking'
–– She knows the drill.
Tom Hiddleston says he improvised Loki's signature knife flip because he ran out of choreography while filming 'Thor: Ragnarok'
–– Right after script quit.
‘Howard the Duck’ Star Lea Thompson Offers to Direct Marvel Reboot
–– One way to make it even worse than original.
Matt Damon talks candidly about turning down 'Avatar':'You will never meet an actor who turned down more money'
–– Not sa'vi about Na'vi.
Greta Gerwig to Direct 'Barbie,' Starring Margot Robbie
–– Will be like rage doll?
Andrew Cuomo's Daughter Michaela Comes Out As Demisexual: 'We're Always Evolving'
–– Not even out of slime yet.
Kate Hudson, all three kids take over Greece with boyfriend Danny Fujikawa
–– Along with small army.
Kathy Reichs makes no bones about hitting 20 Temperance Brennan books in just under we years: You ‘just go ahead and do it.’
–– We prefer third Reichs.
Britney Spears Called 911 to Report Conservatorship Abuse, New Yorker Exposé Alleges
–– 911 Operator: 'You're on a ship?'
Spears: 'A conservationtatorship!'
911 Operator: 'Um, where are you docked, Ma'am.'
Adam Duritz didn’t know who Jennifer Aniston was before they dated in the '90s: 'I had never seen' her on 'Friends'
–– She thought he took head count in aviary.
Elizabeth Banks recalls shooting down an agent who told her to get a boob job: 'I'm not having surgery'
–– Had Beretta in padded bra.
‘The Crown’s’ Emma Corrin Posts Chest-Binding Photos After Pronoun Update
–– She, twit.
'Basic Instinct' director says Sharon Stone's recollection of that famous leg-crossing scene is 'impossible': 'She knew exactly what we were doing'
–– Split screen.
Tiffany Haddish Describes Her "First Big O" During This Nicolas Cage Movie
–– Cum again?
From Dakota Johnson to Cardi B, here's why experts say celebrities endorsing sex toys is so important
–– So, so, so important.
Halsey bares her breast in new cover art to celebrate 'pregnant and postpartum bodies'
–– So, so, so, so, SO important.
Fans Praise Kourtney Kardashian for Sharing an 'Unedited' Thong Bikini Photo: 'Way to Empower'
–– Not so important.
‘Guys’ isn’t a gendered word anymore. It’s fine to use with everyone.
–– Thanks for permission, Washington Post.
Oscar Isaac and Jessica Chastain are a hot, moody couple in HBO's Scenes From A Marriage trailer
–– No AC on set?
‘There’s A Lot Of People I Could’ve Got Pregnant’ Nick Cannon Says He’s Having These Kids On Purpose
–– Has litter bug.
Danny Trejo Recalls Hypnotic Jail Moment With Charles Manson
–– How he explains incident in cell naked, chirping like chicken.
Judges at the Scripps National Spelling Bee had to review audio after a student misspelled 'ambystoma'
–– Dullest slo-mo instant replay in competition history.
Subway is making the biggest menu change in its history
–– Adding actual food?
Smart tires are rolling out to predict flats, blowouts
–– And to demand better jobs.
Scientists accidentally discover huge galactic structure in space
–– When they forget to clean lens on telescope.
A herd of drunk Indian buffaloes exposed a hidden stash of contraband liquor and got a group of farmers arrested
–– Shouldn’t have hidden up asses.
Christian Pulisic under fire from animal rights group following stunt involving vulnerable species
–– Grouper grope.
Atlanta woman wakes up to find a wild African cat on her bed
–– Dude named Babatunde.
Leonardo da Vinci the Size of a Post-it Sells for $12.2 Million
–– Entitled Comprare il Latte.
Inked Mummies, Linking Tattoo Artists With Their Ancestor
–– Is tat a fact?
69-foot sandcastle may be the tallest ever built
–– We’ll take with grain of salt.
Ear seeds for anxiety: Do they really work?
–– And what is that plant growing out of your head?
World’s deepest pool opens in Dubai, part of huge underwater city
–– Oxymoron of week: Underwater pool.
Two U.S. citizens are among at least 17 suspects arrested in the Moïse killing.
–– Hatees gonna hate.
Jovenel Moïse: Foreign hit squad killed Haiti's president, police say
–– ‘Because we had nothin’ to do with it. Was foreigners. Way far away. Honest…’
South Korea's spy agency says North Korean leader Kim Jong Un may have lost more than 40 pounds
–– Laid off snacking on victims' livers.
Alleged attack on prominent scientists casts shadow on China's space walk triumph
–– Next one scheduled to include mugging.
McConnell Hit With Some Home Truths After Saying He’s ‘Perplexed’ By COVID-19 Vaccine Hesitancy
–– ‘Ah never thought anyone would actually believe mah party’s utter bullshit.’
Pro golfer Gene Siller killed and 2 others found dead at Georgia golf course
–– Shot had bad lie.
Man Arrested in Killing of Georgia Golf Pro and Two Others
–– Shot hole in three.
NHL goaltender Matiss Kivlenieks dead at 24 from apparent head injury
–– Iced.
Danny Shanahan, Cartoonist With an Absurd Touch, Dies at 64
–– Who apparently craved same.
Dilip Kumar, legendary Bollywood star, dies at 98
–– Late Kumar.
Robert Downey Sr., Director and Father of Actor Robert Downey Jr., Dies at 85
–– Laid Downey.
Chick Vennera, 'Thank God It's Friday' and 'The Golden Girls' actor, dead at 74
–– Chick, maggot.
