Fatwa Wa Wee Wa
Week of 07/16/21
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
’It breaks my heart': George W. Bush reacts to Afghanistan withdrawal
–– ‘Call me a dreamer, but I kinda hoped they’d be there forever.’
Merkel makes last visit as chancellor to White House
–– It’s Merkel she lasted this long.
Afghans flee to eastern Turkey as Taliban takes control amid chaos
–– The lesson of two evils.
Selling Fruit Where the Taliban Stalk the Streets
–– Blue buries.
Pence says he's 'had enough' of Biden as he looks to escape Trump's shadow in Iowa
–– Competence utterly galling.
I Alone Can Fix It review: Donald Trump as wannabe Führer – in another riveting read
–– Suck heil.
Joint Chiefs chairman feared potential ‘Reichstag moment’ aimed at keeping Trump in power
–– Was all fired up?
Allen Weisselberg removed as officer of Trump Organization subsidiaries
–– Demoted to Assistant Bronzer to President.
Donald Trump rails against son’s ‘annoying’ girlfriend Kimberly Guilfoyle
–– Which is tough when both are off rails.
Federal judge declares DACA program illegal, but halts only new applications
–– DACA to the heart?
DeSantis traveling to Texas-Mexico border with entourage of Florida officials
–– ‘I’ve been reading up on the problem in the Deportes section of Diario las Américas.’
Branson, Bezos and Musk: A new space race for a new generation
–– Where only egos are bigger than rockets.
Opinion: The Democrats make a budget deal — with themselves
–– Stroking one-Aye! monster.
Democrats Call for a Tax on Imports From Polluting Countries
–– Unclean levy.
Monthly Payments to Families With Children to Begin
–– Bonus babies.
Texas Democrats Plan to Flee State to Highlight G.O.P. Voting Restrictions
–– That’ll show ‘em.
Why Al Sharpton and Ben Crump are taking up the case of a White teen killed by police
–– Variety.
Why 'wokeness' is the biggest threat to Democrats in the 2022 election
–– Their asleepness.
Cornel West resigns from Harvard after tenure dispute and accuses university of 'spiritual rot'
–– You’d think anti-Semitism would play better with WASPs.
Haitian police arrest suspect accused of orchestrating President's assassination
–– With rara beat.
Mystery surrounds suspected mastermind of Haiti presidential assassination plot
–– Could someone who concocted this mess have mastered mind?
Former Haitian justice official emerges as alleged key figure in President's assassination
–– Kinda sorta.
AOC Just Slammed Biden for ‘Absurdly Cruel’ Cuba Policy
–– Prefers her cruelty grounded in reality.
Bad hiccups, but no immediate surgery for Brazil’s president
–– Entire tenure has been hiccup.
Two major factors may explain why European flooding turned so deadly so fast
–– 1) Rain. 2) Lots of it.
‘We have nothing’: Grief, shock and resilience along the flood-ravaged banks of a German river
–– Was all nicht.
Why Do English Soccer Fans Sing ‘Sweet Caroline’?
–– So drunk they think they’re in Yankee Stadium.
California to Pay Reparations to Victims of Forced Sterilization
–– Not to their heirs.
Branson Completes Virgin Galactic Flight, Aiming to Open Up Space Tourism
–– One small step for man, one giant leap for brandkind.
Challenging reductive stereotypes of rural Appalachian life -- in photos
–– And you led with this?
A Brooklyn outdoor sex market: How decriminalization leads to more crime
–– Need more nookie cops?
UK 'poo bomber' banned from defecating, urinating in public
–– Cops apply handcuffs, two corks.
Pope Francis renews restrictions on old Latin Mass, reversing Benedict XVI
–– Mass incarceration.
Biden Ousts Trump’s Head of Social Security Who Continues to Say He Won’t Leave
–– Demands recount of Biden's vote.
Charlie Dent: CPAC is a political freak show
–– With only pinheads.
Michael Wolff Reveals Why Trump Actually Spoke To Him Again For New Book
–– 'Dementia.'
“F—k Him”: Rupert Murdoch Reportedly Made the Call to Bury Trump’s Election Night Dreams in a Shallow Grave
–– Next to Murdoch's soul.
Eric Trump 'flipped out' and yelled at campaign staff on election night after he'd predicted they'd win 322 electoral votes, book says
–– 'And all 54 states!'
'You f**king did this': Cheney rips Jim Jordan after Capitol riot
–– The riven Jordan.
Capitol Rioter Who Joined White Supremacist Gang While in Prison for Attempted Murder Sentenced to Time Served
–– Declined brownie points.
Capitol Rioter Who Thought He Was At The White House Released On Home Detention
–– His dome completely empty.
Giuliani assembled the Trump campaign legal team in a room that overflowed with trash and had a 'rotting smell,' a new book says
–– When Rudy was in room.
'I didn't come here to kiss your f---ing ring': Sidney Powell ripped into Rudy Giuliani after clash over election theories, book says
–– Pope fiction.
The Trump/O'Reilly fashapalooza is putting up some sad ticket sales numbers
–– Fashdance?
While trying to be California’s governor, Caitlyn Jenner blew her shot to be a real heroine
–– Newsom thing was wrong.
Northam announces $700 million plan to achieve universal broadband accessibility across Virginia
–– So cousins counties apart can use Tinder.
Denominations have begun creating special prayers for fatal mass shootings
–– ‘Our father who shot in heaven…’
He survived the condo collapse. But what comes next?
–– Still floored?
Sacha Baron Cohen Victorious Over Roy Moore in $95 Million Lawsuit Over ‘This Is America’ Prank
–– Judge says, 'No Moore.'
Meghan McCain 'Couldn't Abide The Backstabbing' Of Fed-Up 'The View' Cohosts 'When The Cameras Were Off': Source
–– Switching from the day shiv.
Hugh Jackman got ripped for his role in 'Wolverine' by using light weights at the start of his workouts
–– And then…? Don't keep us in suspense!
‘Loki': Richard E Grant Wanted ‘Classic Loki’ to Be Ripped Instead of Looking Like Kermit the Frog
–– More like horned toad.
Anthony Bourdain doc explores chef's 'tortured' life: 'He cared way too much about everything'
–– Except daughter, wife.
Anthony Bourdain’s voice was deepfaked in new film. The chef’s widow and critics aren’t happy.
–– Kind of like his entire reputation.
Mark Wahlberg Ate 11,000 Calories a Day to Transform into Boxer-Turned-Priest in Biopic
–– Part was deepcaked.
Bill Gates speaks about 'messing up' in his marriage to Melinda during an emotional Q&A at Sun Valley's billionaire summer camp, report says
–– Melinda coldly talks about ‘messing up’ his bank account.
Gillian Anderson says she's not wearing a bra anymore: 'I don't care if my breasts reach my belly button'
–– Expects navel engagement.
Don Cheadle Reacts To Emmy Nomination For 98-Second ‘Falcon & The Winter Soldier’ Appearance
–– Not for one minute!
Amber Heard: I'm both 'the mom and the dad' for new baby Oonagh
–– Which irresponsible parent gave her that name?
‘I lost a lot of people': Harry Connick Jr.'s 'spiritual' album came out of 'tragedy'
–– Rolodex burned.
Twitter thread about acid trip sparks internet backlash
–– It’s impossible to keep tabs on it.
Plagiarism? No, it’s just rock’n’roll: Elvis Costello defends Olivia Rodrigo
–– And all his own borrowings in process.
Margot Robbie Shocked Zack Snyder Killed Harley Quinn, but Says That’s the Appeal of DC Films
–– The flashes of mercy.
The disturbing trend that connects Meghan Markle and Kate Middleton
–– We’re reading about them.
Plane Crash Complicates HBO Max Documentary on Diet-Inspired Church
–– Main subject was killed along with six others? Poor, poor HBO Max.
Dangerous 'Jackass' stunt for Shark Week ends with bloody shark bite
–– With chump as bait.
Bob Baffert’s Suspension in New York Is Overturned in Federal Court
–– Judge tested for betamethasone.
Giants’ Joe Judge explains why he's 'always excited' to work with Daniel Jones
–– Suffers from priapism.
This British Open is a lamb, and it’s being devoured by greatness
–– You wouldn’t be pulling wool over our eyes?
Medieval French Coins Unearthed in Poland? A Mystery Begins
–– Paging Stanisław Holmes.
Fingerprint found on 500-year-old statue may belong to Michelangelo
–– A Raphael he was trying to steal.
For centuries, a Dutch vegetable seller smiled in a painting. Then experts discovered her real expression.
–– Under varnish was slightly bloated look from all those legumes.
Can the Black Rifle Coffee Company Become the Starbucks of the Right
–– Do they have shot?
2 former Maine police officers accused of beating porcupines to death will spend time in jail
–– Poetically, judge signs sentence with quill.
Man sentenced to 30 years in cruise ship killing dies in Alaska jail
–– Sunken shit.
Nearly all hospitals flout federal requirement to post prices, report finds
–– Do hype Presidents Day 2-for-1 Surgery Specials.
Great Salt Lake is shrinking fast. Scientists demand action before it becomes a toxic dustbin
–– Like city named for it.
Goose has an adorable reaction when mate has surgery
–– Sniggering during castration is adorable?
White-nose syndrome has devastated bats—but some are developing immunity
–– To all that coke.
Israeli Archaeologists Find Forbidden Pig Skeleton During Jerusalem Dig
–– Knew something wasn’t kosher.
Deposed Ninth-Century King May Have Called This Cave Dwelling Home
–– Explains why subjects turned on him when they saw this dump.
Rare stone discovered outlining ancient Rome's city limits
–– Had ancients lost their marbles?
Hobbled Hubble Telescope Springs Back To Life On Its Backup System
–– Be it ever so Hubble.
Astronomers Accurately Predict Timing Of Gamma-Ray Bursts From A Magnetar
–– Is that alien menace or misspelling?
Landlord finds 4ft snake behind fireplace while working on house
–– Advertises as built-in security system.
This bear had a bucket on its head for more than a week
–– And you think it’s sooo funny!
Florida Man Arrested After Attempting to Throw an Alligator on Roof
–– He was released when he explained he was just practicing shot-putting skills for Tokyo Olympics.
Woman shows horrifying aftermath of BBL surgery in viral video
–– BBL safely removed, burst.
Four arrested at McDonald’s factory protest in Lincolnshire
–– By two all beefy paddies.
Subway CEO: We changed everything -- except our tuna
–– ‘It’s been sitting there for months.’
Subway CEO backs sandwiches as ‘100% tuna’ amid lawsuit, lab tests
–– ‘The kind you’d find on the 42nd Street platform after a week in 90º heat.’
’I tried every sandwich at Chick-fil-A and ranked them all from worst to best
–– ‘During my two hours in bathroom.’
Lindsey Graham said he'd 'go to war' to defend Chick-fil-A in Notre Dame culture war clash
–– Has armor-plated Chikin uniform at ready.
America's West is drying out. Here's what we can do about it
–– Are you sere sage and soothsayer?
Scientists stunned by rare Arctic lightning storms north of Alaska
–– Holding long metal rods.
Nevada woman breaks into dentist's office, pulls 13 teeth from patient: police
–– Couldn't she have stopped at 12 to avoid bad luck?
Restaurant Shuts Down for a ‘Day of Kindness’ After Customers Make Its Staff Cry
–– Looking for meat bawl subs.
Biden says platforms like Facebook are 'killing people' with Covid misinformation
–– Nothing but the vax, ma'am.
‘They’re Killing People’? Biden Isn’t Quite Right, but He’s Not Wrong.
–– So, ‘maiming’?
Rare case of monkeypox found in Texas resident
–– Verily we say, a pox on your monkey!
Delta Variant Widens Gulf Between ‘Two Americas’: Vaccinated and Unvaccinated
–– Smart and Dumb.
Vaccine hesitancy morphs into hostility, as opposition to shots hardens
–– And corpses stiffen.
Biz Markie, “Just A Friend” Rapper and Beatbox Pioneer, Dies at 57
–– Out of Biz.
