Flipped Off
Week of 09/24/21
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
OMB tells agencies to start planning for possible government shutdown
–– Prepare to ‘stop acting like you’re busy.’
Kamala Harris hires two communication aides
–– Who never talk to each other.
White House prepares for potential shutdown as leaders grapple with crucial deadlines, Biden agenda
–– Deadlines kicking ass.
US default would wipe out nearly 6 million jobs, Moody's says
–– Default is in the stars.
As Dems race forward, Manchin pumps brakes: ‘There is no timeline’
–– Manchin of glory in his suicide machines?
Maryland governor to Congress: The infrastructure bill drama is arcane. 'Just get it done.'
–– Which should keep lawmakers mystified for several more days.
AOC says House leadership's 'reckless' rush to vote on an extra $1 billion for Israel's 'Iron Dome' was 'deeply unjust' and 'created a tinderbox of vitriol'
–– She opposed Hamas and tongs.
'Yes, I wept’: AOC explains why she cried over Iron Dome vote
–– At idea of all those unbombed children.
Prosecutors Give Allen Weisselberg 3 Million New reasons to Help Send Donald Trump to Prison
–– Hope they mean they're just paying leech off.
Steve Bannon Admits He Talked with Trump About ‘Killing’ Biden Presidency Ahead of Jan. 6th
–– Just using his breath.
Trump accused Democrats of trying to distract from the Arizona audit results, seemingly unaware that they confirm Biden's victory
–– Or exact opposte in Bizarro World.
Trump Sues New York Times Over Tax Bombshells, Seeks 'No Less' Than $100 Million
–– Reality: 'No. Less.'
Mary Trump Quips That Her Uncle's Lawyers Now Probably 'Operate Out Of Strip Malls'
–– Wherever there’s massage parlor.
Lindsey Graham told Trump over the summer 'you f---ed your presidency up,' book claims. Trump hung up.
–– Graham regularly called with dirty talk.
Biden Had a Four-Word Reaction After He Found Trump's Giant Video Golf Setup in the White House: Book
–– Quite the putt-down.
–– In back pocket in preparation for visit to john.
Why Gavin Newsom will likely have to wait for a White House bid
–– Humiliating recall elections aren't ideal campaign kick-offs?
About the only job women can do for the Kabul government is clean female bathrooms, acting mayor says
–– Admittedly, Imams' lavs far worse.
McConnell was not shocked by Trump's 2020 loss, said there were 'so many Maalox moments' during his presidency: book
–– Taken as Maaloxinis.
DHS temporarily suspends use of horse patrol in Del Rio
–– Tad lasso.
Biden Lashes Out at Mounted Del Rio Border Patrol Agents: ‘Those People Will Pay’
–– Riata: the riot act.
Vice President Kamala Harris said images at the border of officers chasing Haitian refugees reminded her of 'times of slavery'
–– But weren’t they at least environmentally-friendly?
Deported by U.S., Haitians Are in Shock: ‘I Don’t Know This Country’
–– One they abandoned or one they crashed?
Special envoy for Haiti resigns citing 'inhumane' US decision to deport thousands of Haitians from US border
–– Foote walks.
Migration will continue as long as inequality persists, Haiti PM tells UN General Assembly
–– And as long as Haiti can’t get shit together even a little.
Lawmakers scrutinize Facebook after revealing report on Instagram’s negative impact on teens
–– First have to reboot dial-up modems after quiting out of MySpace.
Regulators Racing Toward First Major Rules on Cryptocurrency
–– In Grand Theft Auto vehicles.
1 injured in New Orleans' Caesars Superdome roof fire
–– Dome less than super.
‘The Jinx' Director Andrew Jarecki Applauds Robert Durst's Murder Conviction
–– Stronger than Durst.
Theranos founder Elizabeth Holmes reportedly sent a text to her ex-boyfriend and former COO referring to herself as 'best business person of the year'
–– Theranos saw us wrecks.
Former Defense Secretary James Mattis invested $85,000 in Theranos and let Elizabeth Holmes take his blood
–– Held back on sweat, tears.
My ex was sleeping with Monica Lewinsky before she bedded Bill Clinton
–– Did they ever make it to bed?
’Convict Him,’ Prosecutors Say, as R. Kelly’s Defense Prepares for Closing
–– What do prosecutors usually suggest?
CNN's Chris Cuomo accused of sexual harassment by his former boss
-– Still competing with big brother.
Texas law restricting access to abortion medications goes into effect Dec. 2 after governor signs bill
–– Salute Gov. Abbot with Mifeprex cocktail.
Tucker Carlson threatened to host Gov. Greg Abbott's primary opponents because he won't come on the show
–– Terminated after first trimester of campaign.
The Wire creator David Simon refuses to film HBO series in Texas over new abortion law
–– Aborts project?
Conan O'Brien crashes the stage after Stephen Colbert wins an Emmy
–– Last chance to appear in failing TV series.
Emmys Producer Speaks Out Against Seth Rogen’s ‘Frustrating’ Covid Jokes, ‘Disrespectful’ Scott Frank
–– The less Seth, the better.
How conservative comic Greg Gutfeld overtook Stephen Colbert in ratings to become the most popular late-night TV host
–– A MAGA hit.
Billie Eilish says she lost ‘100,000 followers’ because ‘people are scared of big boobs’
–– And she’s shown herself to be pretty big one.
Why Do People Hate the ‘Dear Evan Hansen’ Movie So Much?
–– They saw it?
‘Dear Evan Hansen’ Star Ben Platt Responds to Backlash About Age: ‘I’m Trying My Best to Tune It Out’
–– Mark splat.
Elon Musk says he and Grimes 'semi-separated,' but 'still love each other’
–– From astral plane.
Lindsey Buckingham suggests Stevie Nicks is still in love with him: 'It is possible that she has never been completely over me'
–– Stevie: ‘Nix!’
Elvira, a.k.a Cassandra Peterson, comes out in new memoir, revealing 19-year relationship with woman
–– Elvulva.
The dark, disturbing Roald Dahl stories Netflix wouldn’t dare touch
–– Loopy Dahl.
‘Blade Runner’ Studio Has Two Employees Hired to Keep Franchise’s Timeline Organized
–– Who are currently in psych ward.
Cary Fukunaga: Working on ‘True Detective’ Became ‘Disheartening’ as Nic Pizzolatto Got More Power
–– Time became flat circle.
'No Time to Die' director says Sean Connery's Bond's behavior towards women 'wouldn't fly today': He 'basically rapes a woman'
–– New version's wussy galore.
Daniel Craig Made Honorary Commander In British Royal Navy, The Same Rank As Bond
–– With License to Krill.
Original ‘Star Wars’ Editor Marcia Lucas Says Kathleen Kennedy and JJ Abrams ‘Don’t Have a Clue’ About the Franchise
–– Jabber the hurt.
Christopher Reeve Called Playing Superman a “Calculated Risk”
–– It or final episode of Love of Life?
Melissa McCarthy Says Jennifer Coolidge 'Went Out of Her Way' to Help Her Get Her First Role
–– Coolidge effect?
Nicole Kidman Kept Her 'Nine Perfect Strangers' Accent for the Whole Shoot
–– Cast members kept asking, ‘Is that supposed to be Natasha from Rocky & Bullwinkle?’
Hayley Mills on her issue with 'That Darn Cat!': 'I don't like looking at myself on the screen when I'm really fat'
–– Darn fat?
Paul Hogan reflects on 35 years of being called Crocodile Dundee
–– By planting 8-inch blade in interviewer’s chest.
’The Many Saints of Newark’ Guide: 20 Details to Know About ‘The Sopranos’ Prequel Movie
–– 18) Creator David Chase has one failed project since Sopranos ended.
Ray Liotta Turned Down ‘The Sopranos’ Because He ‘Didn’t Want Another Mafia Thing’
–– And he thought voice not high enough.
Nick Cannon Says He Will 'Take a Break from Having Kids,' Therapist Suggested He 'Should Be Celibate'
–– Baby mamas: ‘Should be castrated.’
Gabrielle Union Says Michael K. Williams Once Left Her 'Bawling' After Candid Chat: 'He Saw Me'
–– Union busting.
Supermodel Linda Evangelista Says Cosmetic Procedure Left Her ‘Disfigured’
–– Made skin crawl.
Britney Spears was 'scared' and 'crying' after she smelled weed backstage during a tour stop: 'I will fail a drug test. I won't see my boys'
–– As she refers to bazooms.
Anderson Cooper Says Mom Gloria Vanderbilt Wanted to Be Surrogate for Him at 85: 'Kind of Nutty'
–– In latest slang for 'completely insane.'
Dr. Drew Shares How He Had That First "Awkward" Conversation With His Daughter About Sex
–– After all the warm, intimate “natural” ones.
The Crown star Tobias Menzies dedicates Emmy to late Michael K. Williams: 'He will be deeply missed'
–– Offers to OD if it will make haters happy.
Prince Philip’s Last Words to His Son Charles Were Just Revealed & They’re So Dark
–– Something unintelligible about Meghan Markle’s baby.
QAnon conspiracy theorists say Gabby Petito was an 'actress' and a 'false flag' the mainstream media is using to distract Americans from 'Biden's failures'
–– Fun with tragedy from the Right…
How 'missing White woman syndrome' can make women of color more unsafe
–– …and the Left.
Samuel Adams' new beer is so strong it's illegal in 15 states
–– Coors Light so weak it’s been recategorized as Yellow Water in 6.
Taco Bell wants you to send back your used sauce packets so it can reuse them
–– So cough them up like Chalupa Supreme.
We tried Bee’s Wrap reusable food wraps and this is what we thought
–– Kept bees relatively fresh.
Apple iPhone 13 Review: The Most Incremental Upgrade Ever
–– File under Damned With Faint Praise…
‘Foundation’ Review: Apple TV+ Series Is a Dazzling Asimov Adaptation with Room to Reach Even Higher
–– …with this.
Apple furious at EU plan for standard chargers
–– Yet have no outlet.
Fearing battery fires after recalls, people are selling their Chevy Bolt EVs back to GM
–– Bolt out of the black.
This Aston Martin for children might cost more than your real car
–– But does have ejector seat for little brat.
Is your kid's computer agonizingly slow? Try these 5 fixes
–– 4. Check to see if it’s not kid who’s agonizingly slow.
A gravestone missing for almost 150 years was being used as a marble slab to make fudge
–– In shape of corpse.
Caskets are still scattered around a Louisiana community as residents struggle to recover from Hurricane Ida
–– Filled with fudge?
Why beavers were parachuted into the Idaho wilderness 73 years ago
–– Lonely frontiersmen.
Scary Moment Diver Comes Face-To-Face With Giant Seven-Metre-Long Anaconda
–– Slightly less terrified because he didn’t understand metric system.
Monarch butterflies are being wiped out. These combat veterans are trying to save them.
–– By systematically gunning down humans intruding on habitats.
Urchin Slayers Are Trying to Save the Underwater Rainforest
–– Led by Bill Sikes.
A speeding object collided with Jupiter and blew up, cool space footage shows
–– Believed to be Mercury.
Boris Johnson admits he has six children
–– Only three admit he’s their father.
France Asks ‘Forgiveness’ for Its Abandonment of Algerian Harkis
–– Harki pox.
Notre-Dame’s restoration ready to start as safety work completed
–– Gargoyles worried about noise.
Patrick Byrne, the pro-Trump former Overstock CEO admits funneling cash to his ex-lover Maria Butina, the glamorous spy expected to be elected to Russia's parliament
–– Butina of a joke.
This is what happens to all the rats when cities flood
–– Rodent Olympics.
How climate change gave rise to a monster mosquito season
–– We’d tell you, but 3-ft. long creature sucked out half our blood.
Wiener dog buries into mouth of Bloodhound friend in hilarious viral video
–– If dead dachshunds amuse you.
Bird swoops to steal bite of shocked boy's Mr Whippy on Brighton Pier
–– Which is blessedly not British slang for wanker.
‘Loch Ness Monster’ Is ‘Spotted’ On Drone Footage From Wild Camper
–– With pink polka dots.
Dear Annie: The Song from the ice cream truck is stuck in my head
–– Since it ran over me.
Arctic Sea Ice Hits Annual Low, but It’s Not as Low as Recent Years
–– So, um… yay?
Cavers Find Pit Of Snakes At The Bottom Of 'Well Of Hell' In Oman
–– You were expecting blanket-lined basket of kittens?
Trump reportedly called North Korean leader Kim Jong Un a 'lunatic': book
–– ‘Was like looking in the mirror.’
N Korea says US-Australia submarine deal ‘extremely undesirable’
–– Kim: ‘I wouldn’t fuck it.’
China jails former chairman of liquor giant Moutai for life for corruption
–– Have him on ice.
Paul Rusesabagina of 'Hotel Rwanda' fame found guilty on terrorism-related charges
–– Makes you Rwanda.
Army Officer Admits Having All Vaccines But Not COVID-19 Shot Because Of 'Freedom'
–– As in ‘untethered from reality.’
Former Trump adviser Michael Flynn is pushing a bonkers theory that COVID-19 vaccines are being added to salad dressing
–– Russian? That’s all he uses.
Researchers who developed the mRNA technology behind Covid vaccines win "America's Nobel"
–– Quote marks never confer prestige on awards.
Eric Trump To Be Keynote Speaker At Conference Led By Prominent Anti-Vaxxers
–– Will provide shot of stupid.
Texas couple asked to leave restaurant for wearing face masks to protect their immunocompromised infant
–– Denied entree.
Chris Rock says he has Covid. 'Trust me you don't want this,' comedian tweets
–– And he's not joking.
Sarah Palin says she's unvaccinated because of COVID-19 'immunity'
–– Plus virus rejected idiot as host.
Bill Maher questions Met Gala mask policy: ‘But if we’re all vaccinated, do the germs know who the good people are?’
–– Just the very rich ones.
Pair with trunk 'full of KFC' arrested while trying to enter locked-down Auckland, where restaurants remain shut
–– Was on bucket list.
Michael K. Williams Died From Accidental Overdose, New York Medical Examiner Says
–– “Acute intoxication by the combined effects of fentanyl, p-fluorofentanyl, heroin and cocaine” real oops.
Melvin Van Peebles, Champion of New Black Cinema, Dies at 89
–– Sweet Sweetback’s Baad: Isssss gone.
