Here We Go Afghan
Week of 08/13/21
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
U.S. Embassy In Kabul Tells Staff To Destroy Sensitive Material And Evacuate
–– Many evacuate on spot.
Suspect List Narrows in Mysterious Bird Die-Off
–– Hercule Parrot on case.
Pentagon plans to airlift staff and special immigrant visa applicants out of Afghanistan
–– Anyone with tail between legs.
Afghanistan: Panic and disbelief as thousands flee Taliban onslaught
–– Getting Talibanned back together.
Afghan commander Ismail Khan captured as Taliban seize Herat
–– His rat.
Senate Passes $1 Trillion Infrastructure Bill, Handing Biden a Bipartisan Win
–– Sure to take its toll.
Five things you didn't know were in the infrastructure bill
–– 3. Fold-out pin-up of Biden wearing only tool belt.
Bernie Sanders lost his fight to be president. But now he’s written a budget that could secure his legacy.
–– Like anyone besides Susan Sarandon cares.
Biden’s Eviction Moratorium Defies the rule of Law
–– And precepts of Landlord’s prayer.
–– New York yanky.
Time’s Up president apologizes for backing Cuomo but declines to resign, claiming 'we were used as cover'
–– Time's Up yours.
Renewed push to restore Tappan Zee Bridge name following Gov. Cuomo’s resignation
–– Instead of Tappan Ass?
Cuomo top aide Melissa DeRosa resigns as governor faces potential impeachment
–– Bloom off DeRosa.
Judge asks why DOJ isn't seeking more money from US Capitol rioters
–– It should garnish government relief checks?
‘I didn't think that I was just going to be killed': Ocasio-Cortez on her fears on January 6
–– Wow, that’s some vivid imagination.
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez admits to occasionally watching Fox coverage of her: 'It’s really fascinating'
–– ’I mean, like, nobody mentions my name more!’
QAnon Marked Friday As Trump ‘Reinstatement’ Day—Here Are Other Flop Predictions Of Trump’s Return
–– Rise and slime.
QAnon Almost Destroyed My Relationship. Then My Relationship Saved Me From QAnon.
–– My boyfriend is Randy Quaid.
Republican Rep. Dan Crenshaw is heckled at a fundraiser for insisting the 2020 election was 'absolutely not' stolen from Trump
–– Will see if he can patch things up.
Census data shows the number of White people in the U.S. fell for first time since 1790
–– White only, that is.
Booming Latino populations are helping GOP states like Texas gain new seats in Congress
–– Yeah, but can they turn down music?
Prepare for a long period of political rage. The new census data shows why.
–– And we at Washington Post promise to do our share to provoke.
Federal judge strikes down Indiana’s ‘feeble’ attempts to restrict abortion
–– Wants more ‘robust’ effort?
Arizona state lawmaker resigns after arrest on child sexual abuse charges
–– Ped peeved.
A GOP strategist was arrested on 10 felony counts of underage sex trafficking, conspiracy, and obstruction of justice
–– Looking to bolster resumé.
Texts show Joel Greenberg arranging for him and Matt Gaetz to meet a woman who 'usually' requires '$400 per meet,' report says
–– And ‘per meat.’
Texas senator ends 15-hour filibuster over GOP voting bill
–– Could've saved breath.
A federal judge denied motions from Sidney Powell, Rudy Giuliani, and Mike Lindell to dismiss Dominion's lawsuits against them
–– Pro defamation league.
Mike Lindell blasted Fox News again for ignoring his debunked voter-fraud theories. 'What happened to reporting the news?' he asked.
–– In latest slang for ‘actionable slander.’
Rudy Giuliani Joins Cameo, Wants $375 for a Personalized Greeting or Shout-Out
–– Or bar order.
Newly published 2018 transcript shows Rudy Giuliani telling DOJ agents it was OK to lie in campaigns: 'Oh, you could throw a fake'
–– Insists he was seeing if they'd trust him as far as they could throw him.
Viktor Orbán censored a question Tucker Carlson asked about Xi Jinping, after the Fox host suggested Hungary was 'freer' than the US
–– There’s a menage á twats.
Tucker Carlson Says He Felt Like a ‘Lunatic’ for Sharing NSA Spying Theory
–– “And I loooved it!’
'This is a gift': Cory Booker enthusiastically endorses GOP amendment opposing 'defund the police'
–– Because 'defund the police' so popular?
Dwayne Johnson Confirms He Washes Himself Three Times a Day: 'I Sing (Off Key) in the Shower’
–– Really scrubs the Rocks.
Jennifer Coolidge nearly turned down acclaimed 'White Lotus' role because she'd been 'gorging' on pizza and was convinced 'the virus was going to win'
–– Delivered deep-dish performance.
Kit Harington Described His "Traumatic" Experiences With Alcohol Addiction After And During "Game Of Thrones"
–– Favorite cocktail: variation on Zombie –– the White Walker.
Alfred Molina Marries Frozen Director Jennifer Lee in Romantic Garden Wedding: 'We Do'
–– Advice to attendees holding rice: Let it go.
Matt Damon Says 'No One's Pulling Harder' for Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez Than He Is
–– How about maid who removes her skintight hot pants?
Quentin Tarantino Says He’ll Never Give His Mom Money After She Insulted His Writing
–– Wouldn't she rather be right than rich?
Horrors aside, M. Night Shyamalan’s film ‘Old’ makes important points about aging
–– Now that you dementia it.
Legendary filmmaker David Cronenberg on his role in Slasher: Flesh & Blood and his return to directing
–– Generally, on cutting films.
‘The Suicide Squad’ Star David Dastmalchian Explains Why Milton Was ‘Precious’ to Polka Dot Man
–– Can’t spot reason.
You May Have Missed These Subtle Harley Quinn Changes in 'The Suicide Squad'
–– In film lousy with nuance.
‘Venom: Let There Be Carnage’ Has Been Delayed Again
–– From this week's Silver Linings Plague Book.
Michael Keaton says suiting up as Batman once again felt "shockingly normal"
–– Admits he often sleeps in suit at home.
Bill Burr Mocking ‘Star Wars’ Fans in Stand-Up Act Helped Land His ‘Mandalorian’ Role
–– Burr under their twaddle?
Disney Chief Bob Chapek Defends Hybrid ‘Black Widow’ Release Amid Scarlett Johansson Lawsuit
–– Argument runs entirely on gas.
Gina Carano's First Post-Mandalorian Project Has Been Revealed, And It's Perfectly On Brand
–– Remake of Triumph of the Will?
Following Brendan Fraser, Martin Scorsese's Killers Of The Flower Moon Has Added Another A+ Actor
–– In new definition of ‘another.’
Cameron Diaz quitting Hollywood to "feel whole" is such a flex
–– Of has-been muscle.
Canceled But Not Forgotten: How ‘Lovecraft Country’ and ‘Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist’ Are Still in the Emmy Hunt
–– Isn't 'never think of' same as 'forgotten?'
Alex Trebek's likely 'Jeopardy!' successor defends himself on allegations he mistreated colleagues
–– What is non-factor?
Double ‘Jeopardy!’: Why so many people on Twitter are furious about the two new hosts
–– That’s really matter for their shrinks.
Alex Trebek's likely 'For A Show Full Of Answers, 'Jeopardy!' Host Selection Raises A Lot Of Questions
–– Is Robert Mueller too busy to investigate?
Queen’s Brian May is "looking at" a Bohemian Rhapsody sequel
–– As long as we’re not “listening to”.
Lorde says it's 'sexist' and 'frankly insulting' how much credit people give Jack Antonoff for her music
–– And diss of his talent.
Bill Gates opens up to Anderson Cooper about his divorce
–– Least interesting announcement since introduction of Zune.
Bill Gates pledges $1.5 billion for climate change projects if Congress passes infrastructure bill
–– Press still wants to ask about Jeffrey Epstein.
'That's a Eurocentric Concept': Nick Cannon Responds to Criticism Over Having Kids With Multiple Women
–– His approach more playacentric.
The Crown’ star Emma Corrin opens up about gender binary: ‘I exist somewhere in between’
–– No-One’s Land?
Catherine Zeta-Jones, 51, is still hula-hooping — this time, in a striped bikini
–– Hips lie.
Jamie Spears Agrees to Resign as Britney’s Conservator: TMZ
–– Will leave to Wildlife Conservation Society.
Teenager Accused Of Cultural Appropriation After His Skin Colour Changed
–– Was shaded?
Apple to start checking iPhone and iCloud photos for child abuse imagery
–– Prince Andrew volunteers to look.
Picasso artworks displayed in a Las Vegas restaurant could fetch over $100M
–– If you asked them nicely.
Kim Raisner: Germany's modern pentathlon coach disqualified from Olympics for hitting horse
–– Ach!
Simone Biles Suffers Finger Wound After Being Bitten by Dog
–– Casts doubt on participation in future Olympics.
5,000-Year-Old Wooden Stakes Discovered at Neolithic Site in Scotland
–– In 6,000-year-old vampire’s heart!
Bouquets of 1,800-year-old offering flowers under Mexican pyramid
–– Hardy mummies?
Arctic woolly mammoth trudged far enough over its life to circle the Earth twice, fossil analysis shows
–– And wore through endless woolly socks.
An Ancient Fast Food Restaurant in Pompeii That Served Honey-Roasted Rodents Is Now Open to the Public
–– Early version of rataptui!
Are Peas in Common Dog Foods Contributing to Canine Heart Disease?
–– More importantly, why can't pooches be vegans?
London’s Tower bridge won't come down
–– Even my fair lady doesn't care.
Greece faces 'disaster of unprecedented proportions' as wildfires ravage the country
–– Sizzling like bacon Greece.
Dubai is building an art collection -- without buying any art
–– Another reason to vacay in 120º hellscape?
Scientists Discover Not 1, But 2 New Dinosaur Species In China
–– At Communist Party HQ.
The fight to preserve the last quiet places on a noisy planet
–– By identifying them online so people can flock there.
Officials confirm first live 'murder hornet' sighting in US this year
–– Based on Wanted posters found in local police station.
How to make parenting decisions like a boss
–– Fire the little buggers.
The 'Pleasanteeism' Trap: 5 Ways To Be More Assertive At Work
–– 3. Knee boss in nads when he says he likes your new glasses.
Two North Carolina men were killed by a train while mourning their brother killed in the same spot
–– Kept memorial on track.
Itching after being outside? What to know about chiggers and other NC summer scourges
–– You’d better say name very carefully.
An insect eating plant has been identified on North America's Pacific coast for the first time in 20 years
–– Fingered by fruit fly.
Woman Horrified After Filleted Fish Starts Jumping In The Oven
–– After she’d shot it three times.
Pennsylvania man shows police severed head in his freezer, then charged with homicide
–– Failed to keep cool head.
A QAnon-obsessed father thought his kids would destroy the world, so he killed them with a spear gun, FBI says
–– Seal the deal.
How A Manure Pit Became A "Death Trap" And Killed Three People This Week
–– It's a hole and police are looking into it.
FBI Found Horrific Frankenstein-Like Experiments At Body Donation Facility In Arizona
–– Parts unknown.
Italy may have hit Europe's hottest day on record as anticyclone 'Lucifer' sweeps in
–– And Lucifer himself visits for holiday.
What the heck is a time crystal, and why are physicists obsessed with them?
–– And how many Marvel comics do they read?
Michigan hospital ends relationship with Vikings quarterback Kirk Cousins over his vaccine stance
–– They pass.
Over 800 Florida doctors rip “reckless” COVID response from Ron DeSantis
–– Half from their jail cells.
Amy Coney Barrett strikes surprising killer blow against vaccine mandate defiance
–– Are hands legally registered as deadly weapons?
Public Favors Masks in Classrooms but Balks at Mandating Vaccinations for Students
–– Denies little pricks.
Chet Hanks, whose parents were hospitalized with Covid-19, rants against vaccines and masks
–– That piece of Chet.
The Chet Hanks conundrum: how did the nicest man in Hollywood raise such an idiot?
–– Forrest Gump is father.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: You’re an ‘absolute moron’ if you make masks political
–– Conan the Vaccarian.
’Screw your freedom': Schwarzenegger calls out anti-vaxxers
–– And vows to ‘crush my enemies, see them driven before me, and to hear the lamentation of their women.’
Fact check: Was Arnold Schwarzenegger’s dad a Nazi sergeant?
–– I know nothing!
‘Maestro of humanity’: Italian surgeon Gino Strada dies at 73
–– Cut out.
Trevor Moore, comedian and co-founder of The Whitest Kids U Know, dead at 41
–– White as sheet.
Jane Withers, child star of Hollywood's Golden Age, dies aged 95
–– Withers and dies.
Actress Markie Post dies at 70 after battle with cancer
–– Post mortem.
