Space and Neuters
Week of 07/23/21
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Jeff Bezos reaches space—a small step toward big spaceflight dreams
–– Damaged delivery returned unopened.
Bootleg Fire is burning up carbon offsets
–– And can't be bottled up.
Jeff Bezos criticised by Amazon workers and customers after thanking them for funding space launch
–– Especially if he meant that cowboy hat.
Twitter criticizes Jeff Bezos’ “joyride” space flight with #Tax the Rich
–– Goes astronuts.
Bezos donates $100 million each to CNN contributor Van Jones and chef Jose Andres
–– Air must’ve been pretty thin up there.
’I don’t care if you think I’m Satan reincarnated’: Biden says no excuse for people underplaying Capitol riot
–– Devil: 'C'mon, Joe, you're destroying my street cred!'
Biden says he asks Secret Service to keep out of his room at breakfast time because he isn't dressed
–– Unless they want to salute VPP.
Biden runs out of ceremonial pens at bill signing
–– Trump stole surplus.
–– Headdress needs head rest.
Jim Jordan among 5 House Republicans selected by McCarthy for January 6 select committee
–– aka QAnon Shamin'.
Pelosi Bars Trump Loyalists From Jan. 6 Inquiry, Prompting a G.O.P. Boycott
–– How dare she bar fucks from henhouse!
House Freedom Caucus calls on McCarthy to attempt to remove Pelosi as speaker
–– Free rage chickens.
First US Capitol rioter convicted of a felony gets 8 months in prison after DOJ says stiffer sentence could stop future attacks
–– Didn't qualify as Capitol offense?
Judge forces US Capitol rioter to unlock laptop seized by FBI
–– After claiming he bought story that child porn was part of ‘research project.’
'Almost giddy': Author describes Trump during Capitol riot
–– Giddy? Yup, little dog he.
Inspired by Texas Dems, Lindsey Graham urges Republicans to ‘leave town’ to stop $3.5 trillion budget package
–– Only if they stay away for decade.
‘American Marxism’ author Mark Levin blasts ‘appalling’ Big Tech censorship: ‘Do I miss Twitter? No’
–– Silence of the lames.
Matt Gaetz mocked after saying U.S. fought wars so kids don’t get British accents
–– Took Cockney to balls.
At 98 and facing cancer, Bob Dole reckons with legacy of Trump and ponders future of GOP
–– And feels lucky.
2020 presidential polls suffered worst performance in decades, report says
–– Oddly appropriate after presidential performance worst in centuries.
Trump’s New Spokesperson Is Spreading His Election Lies On Twitter For Him
–– Or: Doing his job.
Trump adviser Tom Barrack arrested on foreign-agent charges
–– Barrack: ‘Oh, bummer!’
Trump inaugural committee head accused of being UAE agent
–– Emir bag of shells?
Report: Prosecutors Have Obtained Damning Information Allegedly Implicating Trump in His Company’s Crimes
–– Promises, promises!
Trump, too, was 'unsettled' when Rudy Giuliani's hair dye melted and dripped down his face: book
–– And he felt overwhelming urge to lick like chocolate ice cream cone.
What Michael Cohen thinks Jared Kushner did to Donald Trump
–– Let’s just say Trump couldn’t stop smiling, Jared couldn’t use straw for a week.
Does Avocado Actually Taste Like Clean Dick? An Investigation Into Twitter's Weirdest Theory
–– Jared wouldn’t know.
Book details how Mike Pence deferred to Jared Kushner like a 'supplicant' during meetings on the COVID crisis
–– Think how low he had to go with Jared already on knees.
’Protecting every single resident': Chicago approves new layer of civilian police oversight
–– Not from gun shots, but still…
Minn. state Rep. John Thompson faces calls to resign over allegations of domestic violence, indecent exposure
–– Flashdunce.
Kraken attorney's fundraising group gets Florida's approval
–– Nation totally Kraken up.
CNN’s Brian Stelter Shredded by His Own Guest: ‘You Are One of the Reasons People Can’t Stand the Media’
–– Michael Woolf: One of the reasons people can’t stand people.
Sitting Senator Ted Cruz Used An Eggplant Emoji To Critique Biden, And An Old Twitter 'Like' Came Back To Haunt Him
–– Sitting? Is that why we can’t stand?
FBI says it got more than 4,500 tips on Kavanaugh, providing 'relevant' ones to Trump White House
–– Mostly scrawled on cocktail napkins.
For Native American activists crossing the nation with a totem pole, sacred lands are their Notre Dame
–– Why no gargoyles on it?
Ben & Jerry's will stop selling ice cream in Palestinian territories
–– Which punishes Israel how?
Israel’s security forces are ‘complicit’ in drastic surge in settler violence, report finds
–– Probably so, but, still consider the source.
Jewish rights groups: Johns Hopkins University ‘must do more’ after TA’s anti-Israel tweets
–– Semite their enemies?
NYPD sergeant accused of assaulting man who allegedly hurled racial slur at him
–– Woke Twitter ‘deeply confused.’
A high-ranking state official called for a drag queen to be burned alive
–– But only when dressed as Wicked Witch of West.
Despite the hype, iPhone security no match for NSO spyware
–– Users app-alled.
Rip currents and other surf conditions can pose danger at lakes, too
–– How about puddles, if you're bug?
'Law & Order: SVU' guest actor indicted for murder of a man in 'brazen afternoon shooting,' Queens DA says
–– Brazen in the sun.
Why Asia Argento Wasn’t Interviewed for Anthony Bourdain Documentary ‘Roadrunner’
–– ‘Documentarians’ didn’t want to spoil ‘journalism’ with ‘reportage.’
Shailene Woodley Says Sex Scenes Where Women Wear Bras Are Unrealistic
–– Snaps straps.
‘Women who have bodies like me can be celebrated:' Megan Thee Stallion unveiled as Sports Illustrated cover star
–– Emphasis on ‘can.’
Naomi Osaka Tells Megyn Kelly to 'Do Better' After Journalist Slams Athlete's Magazine Covers
–– Kelly: ‘OK, you’re a quitter, too.’
Halsey Will No Longer Do Press After Being "Deliberately Disrespected" in Interview
–– Bent 'her.'
Halle Berry Just Posed in a Bathtub Wearing Nothing But Platform Boots
–– Was she dating self?
Jim Belushi Recalls ‘Barely’ Surviving ‘SNL,’ Begging to Be Rehired After Throwing a Fire Extinguisher
–– Which should have put out career.
Lorde got so drunk with Seth Meyers she needed an IV drip
–– Was already with TV drip.
Critics Are Still Talking About Queen Naija’s Brazilian Butt Lift
–– Claim she put up false back.
‘Duck Dynasty’ star Bella Robertson wishes husband Jacob Mayo a ‘golden’ birthday: ‘I love you the most’
–– He’s expecting showers.
'The Munsters’: Rob Zombie Reveals First Look at Spooky Costumes and Herman Munster’s Makeup
–– Gwynne off the deep end.
Nicolas Cage's 'perfect performance' in Pig movie sniffs out his best reviews ever
–– Real RIP-snorter.
Margot Robbie Once Slept in a Room with a 'Cardboard Cut-Out' of John Cena Before They Met
–– Just to get used to acting style.
In Shyamalan's latest, a family grows old together, and fast
–– Creaky-crawly.
At 48, Gabrielle Union's Booty Looks So Strong In Her Nearly Naked Selfie
–– Forgot Union suit?
Inside the Arena at Kanye West’s ‘Donda’ Listening Event in Atlanta
–– Or ‘Places you never want to be.’
Netflix’s new vampire thriller Blood Red Sky delivers ‘stakes on a plane’
–– OK OK, so you out-punned E. Basil St. Blaise.
Jordan Peele’s Next Movie Will Be Called ‘Nope’
–– Conveniently writing own review.
'Captain America: The First Avenger' Writers Finally Settle Whether Steve Rogers Was a Virgin
–– And how about his foreskin after encounter with Mohel Man?
Woman calls out stranger for his sign asking beachgoers to dress more modestly: 'This cannot be real'
–– Then realizes she's hallucinating.
Couple charged over gender reveal party that sparked California fire that killed firefighter
–– It’s a grill?
Paralympian Olivia Breen angered after official said her sprint shorts were 'too short'
–– Could almost see finish line.
Cardboard beds in Olympic Village draw jokes from athletes and the internet
–– With confetti sheets!
Trans model makes Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover history: ‘If you don’t like it, you can go somewhere else’
–– As most subscribers have.
Fan banned for life by MLB after hitting Red Sox player with baseball at Yankee Stadium
–– Heard he was from Bean Town.
Cleveland Guardians Unveiled as MLB Team's New Nickname with New Logo and Design
–– Braves move?
The Navy Built a Ship That Looks Like Noah's Ark
–– For two Admirals, two Vice Admirals, two Rear Admirals Upper Half, two walruses, two Rear Admirals Lower Half…
Repentant thieves return Big Bird costume with a note: ‘Sorry to be such a big birden’
–– Yellow bastards.
Woman asked her husband to take her to the hospital. He left her in a truck for 5 days.
–– Was it at least transporting medical supplies?
Mom is mortified to discover her thong has been stuck to her child’s velcro shoe all day: ‘I would simply pass away’
–– What shoe was doing up there another story.
A woman ditched her clothes and went skinny-dipping. It wasn’t her pool, Florida cops say
–– A least she brought own soap, shampoo.
Among Mormon Women, Frank Talk About Sacred Underclothes
–– How to mend holey panties?
'Right-handed man' almost masturbates to death: medical case study
–– Alright, we’ll stick with left.
Difficulty hearing speech in busy environments could be an early sign of dementia
–– How about blocking on useless theories when alone?
Stephen Hawking Was Right: Black Holes Simply Can't Shrink
–– Even dipped in cold water.
Exactly When You Should Watch This Week’s ‘Buck Moon’ At Its Biggest, Brightest And Best
–– Don’t know why, but feels like there might be racist origin to that name.
A goose was having surgery. His mate tried to 'break into the clinic' to be nearby.
–– To take gander?
Massive and mysterious, a 100-pound fish washed ashore. Scientists hope to learn its secrets.
–– Like why he died so happy.
Dolphins 'stampede' near whale watchers off California coast
–– As cattle swim nearby.
'I could see the shark, and then all I saw was blood': Woman recounts shocking shark bite experience
–– ‘And I said to myself: could there be a connection?’
The fearless woman who filmed the real 'Jaws'
–– With some of her snaps.
DeSantis refuses state of emergency for Tampa Bay red tide despite 1,200 tons of dead fish
–– Reminds him of smell of last CPAC convention in Tampa.
Duck-billed dino from Argentina had a foot tumour and tail fractures
–– Doctor was quack.
Pile these succulent pulled mushrooms into your next taco, burrito or sandwich
–– And snort while you pretend they’re pork.
What’s the best pizza city in the USA? 'Modernist' authors have a surprise for you
–– They’ve no idea what their subject should taste like.
You may be waiting longer for your Domino's pizza
–– Several years, hopefully.
The Universe Is a Giant Donut That We Live Inside, New Research Suggests
–– Have you heard our Big Bagel theory?
Why The Universe Probably Isn’t Shaped Like A Donut
–– We were just getting used to hole idea.
Black hole jets got some stellar glam shots thanks to this giant telescope
–– So hot they have to pixelate orifice.
Physics students take first-year project to peer-reviewed paper
–– Gone over while at urinal.
Cocaine disguised as cake seized from vehicle in Maine
–– Was tired of masquerading as mere flour.
Unarmed 75-year-old Tasered without warning by Colorado officer: ‘What did I do?’
–– Failed so-high-is-he test.
Buckingham Palace Released a Statement About Prince Harry's Upcoming Memoir
–– Harry? Memoir? Author? We are amused.
In flood-hit German town, a priest struggles to give comfort
–– Wafer soggy, wine watered down.
Shots, tear gas, burning tires mar Moïse funeral in Haiti. U.S., U.N. delegations leave
–– Same way they celebrated election.
‘He could have at least given us a road.’ Residents in Haiti prepare for Moïse’s funeral.
–– What in tar nation?
Iran's Khamenei says water crisis protesters cannot be blamed
–– ‘But we shall still behead them.’
Inside ‘reality shifting,’ the trend where TikTokers claim they can enter the world of Harry Potter
–– Inside it’s empty.
Kevin Hart posts Nick Cannon's number on billboard offering fatherhood advice
–– Like asking Hart advice on comedy.
Chinese pop star Kris Wu scrutinized over teen sexual assault allegations, boosting flagging MeToo movement
–– Wu who?
Chelsea Handler is vaccinated, horny and probably a little high
–– And still not funny.
Sean Penn Won’t Return to Work Until Cast and Crew of Watergate Series ‘Gaslit’ Get COVID Vaccines
–– Maybe just one grip can hold out to stop show from happening.
As New York Reopens, It Looks for Culture to Lead the Way
–– Art for start's sake.
A far-right British commentator boasted about breaking quarantine rules — Australia deported her
–– Caught travel bug.
Biden hints at coming CDC guidance recommending children younger than 12 to wear masks in school
–– On every day but Halloween.
Alabama Republican Gov. Ivey says 'start blaming the unvaccinated folks' for rise in Covid cases
–– Ivey leak.
Rand Paul says Fauci will be subject of criminal referral letter to Justice Department
–– Sounds Fauci-fetched.
Australian ad showing Covid patient gasping for air sparks backlash as country battles Delta variant
–– Critics agree it sucks hard.
Matt Damon on COVID vaccine hesitancy: Trust science 'more than something you read on Facebook'
–– Celebs always good for fresh perspective.
Selena Gomez Calls Out Facebook To "Take Action" Against Spread Of Misinformation About The COVID Vaccine
–– Finally, we’re getting somewhere.
Candace Owens advocates for free healthcare in anti-vaccine rant
–– Given haters whiplash.
