Ream the Riot Act
Week of 07/30/21
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Why Republicans Are So Determined to Distort the Truth About the Capitol Attack
–– Duh, right against self-incrimination.
Why Sweat Is A Human Superpower
–– Pore excuses.
How a Respected N.Y.P.D. Officer Became the Accused Capitol Riot #EyeGouger
–– Wink, wink.
Republicans voice opposition to Jan. 6 investigation as police officers call for accountability
–– Look to #EyeGouger to turn blind eye.
Capitol officer Harry Dunn responds to right-wing attacks: ‘Can’t put Band-Aid on my emotions’
–– Wasn't that a Smokey Robinson lyric?
GOP Rep. Adam Kinzinger says most Republicans in Congress privately don’t believe Trump’s election-fraud claims but repeat them in public anyway
–– Just to sound smart.
Judge Slams Capitol Rioter Refusing To Wear Masks: ‘When Did You Go To Medical School?’
–– Moron couldn’t find General Hospital on TV.
Daniel Hale, who leaked information on U.S. drone warfare, sentenced to 45 months in prison
–– Hale and farewell.
Infrastructure deal to bring miles of power lines, vehicle charging stations across U.S.
–– In today's current events.
GOP senator warns against treating funding as 'Monopoly money' as infrastructure negotiations come to a head
–– So long as there's enough in there to buy him Get Out of Jail Free card.
Aide hands Biden note during governors meeting: 'Something on your chin'
–– First rule of drool…
Biden back on the campaign trail: 'I whipped Donald Trump in Virginia and so will Terry'
–– 'Though I'm kinda surprised he's running for governor down here, I mean, isn't he living in Florida?'
In one-two punch to Trump, Justice Dept OK's release of taxes, memo
–– More punch, knee to groin.
Mystery of $220,000 of Trump’s presidential salary that he promised to donate but disappeared
–– Look in fat suit's 'secret pocket.'
Jared Kushner set to move away from politics and launch investment firm
–– Fiddle-de-dee Investments.
Opinion: Merrick Garland is on a roll
–– Onion.
Ilhan Omar’s New Guaranteed Income Bill Would Send $1,200 Monthly To Most Americans
–– To be paid for by taxing our credulity.
Sen. Rand Paul Told To 'Get F**ked' During Virtual Town Hall
–– But he doesn't look Randy.
Obama planning star-studded 60th birthday bash on Martha’s Vineyard
–– MVP.
The best sci-fi apocalypse show of 2021 isn’t streaming on Netflix
–– It’s steaming in West Coast wildfires.
Given The Choice Between Prison Life And Fighting Wildfires, These Women Chose Fire
–– Instead of cooler.
Gavin Newsom asks Biden for more ‘boots on the ground’ in fighting California wildfires
–– With melted soles.
Wary of blackouts, Newsom offers cash for conservation as California faces energy squeeze
–– And promises to lay off booze.
Beetles, drought, and fires are a ticking time bomb in the West
–– That must be one bitch to wire.
’It’s a Tough Time to Be Mayor’: Lori Lightfoot Responds to Her Critics
–– And being big city mayor is usually snap.
America Shouldn’t Compete Against China With One Arm Tied Behind Its Back
–– OK, tie the other one.
Chinese officials and Taliban meet in Tianjin as US exits Afghanistan
–– Scum meets bag.
A Chinese billionaire who dared to speak out against the government has been sentenced to 18 years in prison for 'provoking trouble'
–– And 'felonious impishness.'
Kremlin says Biden is wrong to say that Russia only has nuclear weapons and oil
–– ‘They are never giving us credit for the vodka.’
Watch Lorde Still Speak More Eloquently Than Most People While Eating Fiery, Fiery Wings
–– Most people about as eloquent as Buffalo chicken.
Hollywood actress Susan Sarandon joins protest outside AOC's office: 'We’re losing hope here that you represent us'
–– Out-of-touch Hollywood liberals deserve a voice!
Lily James Look Juuuust Like Pamela Anderson in New Pics From the 'Pam & Tommy' Set
–– Is that post-post-sarcasm?
Olivia Munn on overcoming depression and suicidal thoughts: 'There is so much I would have missed'
–– Public: 'There's so much of yours we wished we missed.'
Alicia Witt Says She 'Can't Count' How Many Times She's Been Asked to Lose Weight
–– And can’t read numbers on scale.
‘Jerry Maguire' Star Jonathan Lipnicki Uses MMA to Protect Orthodox Jews from Antisemitic Attack
–– Show me the matzoh!
Nas Reveals Jay-Z Said He Was Better Than Biggie And That Tupac And DMX Were Not Lyricists
–– Cra-Z or just La-Z?
Here’s Adam Driver as a sexy centaur in Burberry’s new fragrance ad
–– Where’s horse’s ass who created?
Kevin Smith Made Netflix’s ‘Masters of the Universe: Revelation’ Specifically to Please ‘He-Man’ Fans. Some Got Mad Anyway.
–– Had to be insane to like in first place.
Mindy Kaling says she 'couldn't understand' backlash to 'Scooby-Doo' character Velma being reimagined as South Asian in spinoff
–– So she'd never heard of Twitter?
Tiffany Haddish Talks Fitness Prep to Play Flo-Jo: ‘My Legs Are Going to Be Amazing!’
–– Everything else rundown.
Judge rules in Bob Dylan’s favour in lawsuit over $300m sale of songs
–– Blot on the tracks?
How ‘Sunday in the Park With George’ Almost Became a Movie Starring Jake Gyllenhaal and Meryl Streep
–– And other naps you missed.
PBS children's show 'Arthur' to end after record 25 seasons
–– His species to be revealed in final episode.
Mandy Moore Details “Isolating” First Months of Motherhood, Feeling “Inadequate” for Son
–– He told us you were ‘barely adequate.’
Candace Cameron Bure apologizes for ‘sexy’ TikTok video about the Holy Spirit
–– In threesome with Father, Son?
'We're Not Stoic': Book Traces the History of Native Americans in Comedy
–– Mini haha.
Mila Kunis Admits She Regrets "Selfish" Decision to Prevent Ashton Kutcher From Going to Space
–– Is now encouraging him to join Mars mission.
The Suicide Squad: King Shark would be “screwed” in real-life, explains marine biologist
–– By horny Land Shark.
DC's Stargirl star Luke Wilson says he still doesn't understand brother Owen Wilson's series Loki
–– Luke of confusion.
Scarlett Johansson Sues Disney for Breach of Contract Over ‘Black Widow’
–– Threatens to devour mate.
Disney Fires Back at Scarlett Johansson, Calls ‘Black Widow’ Lawsuit ‘Sad and Distressing’
–– Which really stings?
'Cowboys & Aliens' creator explains why Jon Favreau's expensive 2011 film never got a sequel
–– Entitled The Good, the Bad and the ET?
Alex Wolff Says Making ‘Hereditary’ ‘Did as Much Damage to Me as a Movie Can Do’
–– Cries Wolff.
How the ‘Jungle Cruise’ movie helped bring change to Disneyland’s ride
–– Well, then there's an estimated $362 mil well spent.
Bob Odenkirk Stable After Suffering “Heart-Related Incident” on ‘Better Call Saul’ Set
–– Better call stent.
Windsor Castle Staff Have "Stripped" Meghan and Harry's Remaining Belongings from Frogmore Cottage
–– Removed from pad across pond.
Widely Mocked London Tourist Attraction Closes Two Days After Opening
–– Running down a hill.
Non-Rich People Are Sharing Things Rich People Do That Are Annoying And I Agree With Them All
–– Based on sample of all rich people they personally know.
Elizabeth Warren took aim at Jeff Bezos, saying 'the richest guy on Earth can launch himself into space while over half the country lives paycheck to paycheck’
–– Didn't anyone tell her there's no such thing as a free launch?
BuzzFeed Is Going Public. What Now for Vice and Vox?
–– Can they go so private we can’t see?
Ex-President Obama joins NBA Africa as strategic partner and minority owner
–– And trey representative.
Simone Biles makes stunning withdrawal; U.S. women’s gymnastics takes silver
–– Sticks Osaka landing.
Naomi Osaka’s Loss Gives Tokyo Its Latest Olympic Setback
–– Biles it on.
Simone Biles Doesn’t Need the Olympics to Be the G.O.A.T.
–– Quitting on team makes you different goat.
Simone Biles Rejects a Long Tradition of Stoicism in Sports
–– Or, uh, sportsmanship.
Aly Raisman calls USA Gymnastics a "disaster" after Simone Biles withdraws from final
–– Who’s vault is it?
Simone Biles said she got the ‘twisties.’ Gymnasts immediately understood.
–– We all understand lame excuses.
The U.S. women’s soccer team has always dazzled and entertained — until now
–– Y’mean relentless PR can actually drain pleasure from escapist entertainment?
Novak Djokovic's search for 'Golden Slam' comes to an end at Tokyo 2020
–– Wait, there are men competing at Olympics?
Daniil Medvedev asks who will take responsibility if he dies in Tokyo Olympics' heat and humidity
–– Was line judge pointing gun at head?
Why Olympians bite their medals and what they do with them
–– The broken teeth?
Climate Disasters Are Making It Hard to Enjoy the Olympics. And I’m Not Sure I Want to, Anyway
–– They've utterly convinced us not to read about what you desire.
A couple is being sued for defamation after writing 1-star Google reviews of a roofing company, report says
–– Eave of destruction.
Instagram influencer 'Hushpuppi' pleads guilty to million-dollar fraud in US
–– Well hush our puppis!
Eating foods high in flavonoids could slow down cognitive decline, a study says
–– You might remember what flavonoids are?
Ben & Jerry's board chair says 'I am not anti-Semitic' after sales ban
–– Though Kristallnacht Krunch makes you kinda wonder.
The hard seltzer craze has come to an end
–– Fizzed out.
'People are just walking out in the middle of shifts': What it's like to work in a restaurant right now
–– Got order to go?
McDonald's replaces BTS with Saweetie for its next celebrity meal
–– And Hep A with E. Coli.
Hobby Lobby ordered to forfeit ancient artifact bought for $1.6 million in 2014
–– Time to release tablet.
Adventurer’s plan to walk on water to New York in a floating bubble ends on a Florida beach
–– Blew his bubble.
Brood X had a good run, but now the annual cicadas are taking center stage
–– In the news media.
See rare snow leopard on camera for first time in years
–– And notice extra COVID pounds.
Spear gun slaying of Kostis, beloved Mediterranean monk seal, sparks outrage on Greek island
–– British secret agent suspected.
Goliath grouper fishing may be allowed in Florida again after 30-year ban
–– Goliath groupie fishing to resume at They Might Be Giants concerts.
Blood-sucking flies may be following chemicals produced by skin bacteria to locate bats to feed on
–– They deserve each other.
Evolutionary chaos as butterflies, wasps, and viruses have a three-way war
–– And none can play Rock, Paper, Scissors.
10-foot python wakes woman up by going on “5 a.m. rampage” through house
–– After finding fridge empty of mice.
'Penis snakes' from South America have taken up residence in Florida
–– With other wriggling dicks.
Baboons wearing fitness trackers show that taking toddlers anywhere is a nightmare no matter your species
–– And getting them to not smash trackers when they annoyingly remind them to move is totally impossible.
How bird brains thrived during a mass extinction
–– Witness GOP in pandemic.
Our floating hell: the incredible story of a crew stranded at sea in the Gulf
–– Never lost their head?
Remains of High-Born Woman and Twin Fetuses Found in 4,000-Year-Old Urn
–– Available on Etsy.
New find shows animal life may have existed millions of years before previously thought
–– Rudimentary sponges still exist.
Too hot to live: Millions worldwide will face unbearable temperatures
–– Right Said Fred can relate.
Dead zones, a ‘horseman’ of climate change, could suffocate crabs in the West, scientists say
–– On of Four Seahorses of Apocalypse?
Three Americans create enough carbon emissions to kill one person, study finds
–– We know one American who can create enough methane to kill three people.
’Dating Game Killer' dies of natural causes, prison officials say
–– Satan chosen for everlasting hookup.
Campbell's soup cans get first redesign in 50 years
–– Oh God, how will we ever again find it on supermarket shelf?!
Are Swedish dishcloths worth it? Absolutely. Here’s why
–– If you can’t scrub Ikea Swedish meatballs off plate.
Astronomers see back of a black hole for first time, proving Albert Einstein was right
–– Squeezing out gassy red dwarfs.
How Fox News viewers are less likely to get vaccinated
–– Than sentient life forms?
White House frustrated with 'hyperbolic' and 'irresponsible' Delta variant coverage, sources say
–– After 18 months of 'measured' and 'level-headed' coverage of COVID!
Analysis-Biden’s COVID-19 strategy thwarted by anti-vaxxers, Delta variant
–– Analysis or statement of obvious?
Pfizer data suggest third dose of Covid-19 vaccine 'strongly' boosts protection against Delta variant
–– Walking around in hazmat suit with catheter in arm attached to mobile vaccine drip stand ’like totally’ boosts protection.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders encourages Arkansans to consider getting 'Trump vaccine'
–– aka ‘corn likker.’
Republican Rep. Andrew Clyde evading House mask fines, GOP colleague says
–– Bonkers and Clyde.
At the recent CPAC, attendees celebrated the failure of Biden's goal to vaccinate 70% of adults. Now top Republicans have U-turned, urging people to get their jab.
–– So still taking shots.
'The View' co-host Meghan McCain: I have a better chance of getting shot in DC than contracting COVID
–– We want proof.
She can't hug her nephews because millions of Americans refuse to get the Covid-19 vaccine
–– Well, this sob story should convince ‘em.
Fully vaccinated passenger tests positive for COVID-19 on Celebrity cruise to Alaska
–– Left on ice floe with polar bear.
After the Tajik president’s sister died of covid, her sons beat up the country’s top health officials
–– Finally getting jabs in.
ZZ Top Bassist Dusty Hill Dies at 72
–– Catching some ZZs.
Former senator Mike Enzi dies after being injured in bike accident
–– Bitter Enzi.
Jackie Mason, Rabbi Turned Contentious Comedian, Dies at 93
–– Out of schmuck.
