Fatwa Knows Best
Week of 08/27/21
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Taliban show off U.S.-made weapons and gear in a bid to intimidate, project authority
–– Only Kim Jong-un mildly jealous.
Afghan Fiasco Raises Hard Questions for Europe
–– Whole ISIS, ISIL, IS thing again.
‘We will hunt you down and make you pay’: Biden vows retribution for deadly attack on U.S. forces in Kabul
–– ‘And we dropped like one or two tril over there, so we know you’re good for it.’
What is ISIS-K? Two terrorism experts on the group behind the deadly Kabul airport attack and its rivalry with the Taliban
–– Islamofascists high on Ketamine.
Opinion: The Afghanistan outcome is ugly. Biden was still right to say: Enough.
–– Basta fazool.
Trump Is Blaming Biden and ‘the Woke Generals’ for Afghanistan
–– It was 20 years of ‘the Asleep Generals’ like his.
Trump Mocked For Repeatedly Botching Name Of ISIS Offshoot In Fox News Ramble
–– And insisting he’d removed ISIS caliphate with Clorox.
Trump says his administration killed ‘bigger’ terrorists than Osama bin Laden
–– ‘Don’t forget Thanos. Nobody thought we’d get him, but, the Quanon Realm, remember? Time travel. Lots and lots of beautiful traveling through time. They said we couldn’t do it. Way bigger than Osama.’
Lawyer for Afghan girls’ robotics team tells Oklahoma woman to stop taking credit for rescue
–– Makes robo-call?
We must keep our promises for the little girl huddled in a refugee camp. That girl was me
–– But is not currently, right, Rep. Omar?
This Is How Theocracy Shrivels
–– David Brooks points to own nut sack.
Reps. Norman, Harris introduce articles of impeachment against Secretary Blinken
–– Winkin’ at Blinken nod.
Supreme Court strikes down Biden administration's eviction moratorium
–– Low rent move.
Democrats press Pelosi, Schumer to revive eviction ban
–– Voted lease likely to succeed.
Texas House approves GOP voting restrictions bill after months of Democratic delays
–– Murder ballot.
How Kamala Harris is embracing — and changing — the system
–– Oh, she’s still in system?
Jan. 6 investigators demand records from social media companies
–– Companies offer scratched LPs.
Dominion CEO broke down in front of his kids during Rudy Giuliani's sweaty news conference where he spread conspiracy theories about the company
–– Broke up we would get.
Twitter Users Mock Rudy Giuliani After the Former Mayor is Filmed Shaving at an Airport Restaurant
–– His bikini line, but give the guy a break!
Rudy Giuliani says he's not an alcoholic and claims he functions 'more effectively than 90 percent of the population'
–– ‘Of drunks.’
Kayleigh McEnany says there wasn't 'crisis after crisis' when Trump was president
–– Just single sustained shitshow.
Herschel Walker files to run for Senate in Georgia
–– Party wishes he'd drop back, pass.
Mark Sanford said that GOP leaders went along with Trump 'hijacking' the party because it 'had come to stand for surprisingly little'
–– Like commandeered Radio Flyer steered by chimp.
Matt Gaetz says he asked for Trump's approval before proposing to Ginger Luckey, who eloped with him amid a sex trafficking probe
–– Proffered droit de seigneur knowing Trump couldn’t get it up.
Stephen Breyer retirement watch just got a little more interesting
–– Left still monitoring breaths-per-minute with binoculars.
Where’s Eric Adams? Meeting Donors, From the Hamptons to the Vineyard.
–– Can he keep at that exclusively for next four years?
International Emmys Rescind Award Given to Andrew Cuomo Following Resignation
–– Now that’s gotta hurt.
In Last Act as Governor, Andrew Cuomo Appears to Abandon Dog at Albany Mansion
–– And we’re shocked Vanity Fair would use such sexist language.
Lawyer for Alabama Gov. Kay Ivey fired after child solicitation bust
–– Insists he was just pursuing youth vote.
Video of Starbucks worker saving woman from male harasser watched over 1.6 million times
–– Creeps looking for pointers?
–– Hopes to appear with John Hinckley in revival of Sondheim's Assassins.
Lebanon's Mikati says he still faces big hurdles to forming cabinet
–– And uttering two sentences without lie.
They were the world’s only all-female army. Their descendants are fighting to recapture their humanity.
–– Amazons’ prime.
Italian Official Resigns After Uproar Over His Plans to Name Park After Fascist
–- Where you do need to goosestep over poop.
‘We were punch bags’: North Korean prison beatings may be form of torture, says UN
–– Or ‘speeding bags?’
The daily edition of 'The Rachel Maddow Show' is coming to an end. So who will replace her?
–– Velma Dinkley?
Monica Lewinsky and ‘Impeachment’ Star Beanie Feldstein: “We’re a ‘We’ Now”
–– 'Like we share same stains on blue dress.'
Hollywood’s Go-To Specialists for “Natural Results,” From Lips to Body Contouring
–– In latest definition of ‘natural.
Plastic Surgeons Sound the Alarm Against the New “Alienized Look”
–– Particularly xenomorph’s pharyngeal jaw.
How journalism saved ‘Jeopardy!’ from an unworthy host after an utter failure of corporate vetting
–– What is profession’s proudest moment since Watergate, asshole?
Mayim Bialik to be first guest host of 'Jeopardy!' following Mike Richards' departure
–– Journalists, please help!
Is Mayim Bialik’s dubious science going to be ‘Jeopardy!’s’ next big headache?
–– Will Washington Post’s dubious journalism continue to make big deal of it?
More 'Jeopardy!' Drama Comes After It's Revealed What Mike Richards Did to Ken Jennings Behind the Scenes
–– If it’s not punched his smug face, we don’t want to hear.
Here's why the 'Jeopardy!' host scandal is far from over
–– Because of 8.9 mil viewers, .01% who actually care are constantly online.
Celebrities Disappear From Internet as China Moves Against Fan Culture
–– Only form of craven anti-free speech repression you can kinda understand.
Bob Ross Inc. Responds to Netflix Doc as Melissa McCarthy, Ben Falcone Say They Didn’t Set Out to Create a “Hit Piece”
–– More palette-cleanser?
Reese Witherspoon recalls crying over 'offensive' magazine caricature: 'I burst into tears’
–– Sometimes you have to reach back 6 years for motivation.
Marc Maron Says Longtime Friend Louis C.K. Is “Not Talking to Me Anymore”
–– C.K. blocker.
ABC Orders ‘Judge Steve Harvey,’ Sticking the Comedian in a Courtroom to Rule on Actual Cases
–– Sure he wasn’t appointed by Trump?
Lisa Joy Reflects on Almost Pitching ‘Reminiscence’ Under Male Pseudonym So “People Might Take Me More Seriously”
–– Could never take as seriously as she takes self.
Hugh Jackman’s ‘Reminiscence’ Crumbles With $2 Million Debut, Highlighting the Struggle of Movies Aimed at Older Audiences
–– Ugh-forgettable.
'Dune' was long considered 'unadaptable.' The screenwriters explain how they tackled the sci-fi classic
–– To prove it.
‘Boiling Point’ Director on Capturing the ‘Alcoholism, Drug Abuse and Stress’ of High-End Kitchens With His Stephen Graham Film
–– Dishes the dirt.
Jason Momoa and Dave Bautista Are Crafting a Buddy Cop Movie
–– Beverly Hills Roid? Roid Hour? Roid Along? Roid Boys for Life?
'Raiders of the Lost Ark' star Karen Allen says she was originally supposed to seduce her way out of the Nazi camp, but she had the scene changed
–– Heil be damned!
The Princess Bride' star Mandy Patinkin breaks into tears talking to a fan about his late father’s connection to it
–– Cries uncontrollably when he orders bagel with smear.
‘Lovecraft Country’ Stars Jonathan Majors and Jurnee Smollett Still Can’t Believe They Made Emmy History
–– Performances were totally unbelievable.
Yahya Abdul-Mateen II Opened Up About His Role In The "Candyman" Sequel, Saying That There Had To Be "A Proper Reason" To Retell The Story
–– “And we’re still looking for it.”
Thandiwe Newton hits out at Star Wars for killing her character: ‘Are you f*****g joking?’
–– Or ‘Are you f*****g jokwing?’
Spider-Man Fans Notice A+ Detail About Alfred Molina’s Doctor Octopus In No Way Home's Trailer
–– As they get C- for ignoring schoolwork.
Morecambe and Wise 'bored stiff' by Monty Python
–– We've been waiting 50 years for their take.
Whoopi Goldberg criticizes cancel culture: 'The truth doesn’t seem to matter'
–– Whoopi caution.
Dwayne Johnson seems to have a doppelgänger in Alabama
–– Double on the Rock's?
Man Photographed as Baby on ‘Nevermind’ Cover Sues Nirvana, Alleging Child Pornography
–– Being bit of a prick.
Insane Clown Posse Announces Farewell Tour Due to Violent J’s Heart Issues
–– Can't round up Deranged Fool Deputy?
Queen Elizabeth, the Inventor: Do You Know Which Dog Breed She's Credited with Creating?
–– Prince Andrew?
OnlyFans suspends proposed ban on sexually explicit content
–– Porn again.
This former ICU nurse makes $200k/month on OnlyFans
–– I see you nurse!
FIFA Will Share in $200 Million Payout From Justice Department
–– FIFA and dumb corps.
Miguel Cabrera becomes the 28th baseball player to join the 500 home run club
–– Which sounds increasingly unimpressive.
Eye-opening Yankees nugget could be key to playoff success
–– Crystal meth.
Dead & Company Fan Falls to His Death During Concert at New York’s Citi Field
–– Alone?
‘I’m a cop. What are you going to do about it?’: Florida man hit on woman, then hit her husband: police
–– Then hit the road.
Slow-moving Tropical Storm Henri makes landfall along the coast of Rhode Island
–– Hurricane Bob sues for copyright infringement.
Tuesday spacewalk postponed due to 'minor medical issue'
–– Astronaut stubbed toe.
Deli meats linked to multi-state salmonella sicknesses
–– Misery meat.
What pizza from a vending machine really tastes like
–– Why not just order box, eat it.
Wendy's is upgrading its french fries
–– Will stop using 15W40 Diesel Engine Oil.
Body-cam footage shows police shoot a ‘playful’ puppy: ‘He was curious and excited to greet this officer’
–– ‘Playful’ in way only pit bull’s can be.
Fossils Seized in Police Raid Demystify a Prehistoric Flying Reptile
–– No longer considered flight risk.
Frightening video shows python with exploded stomach after eating whole cow
–– Disgusting, yes, but frightening to who? Cows? Pythons?
A Nest Of Nearly 1,500 Asian Giant 'Murder Hornets' Has Been Eradicated
–– Talk about buzzkill.
Man stumbles upon huge boa constrictor snake sunbathing in Scotland
–– And which was getting tan?
Experience: I was attacked by two sharks at once
–– On dinner date.
An alligator named Darthgator nearly ripped his trainer’s arm off. She can’t wait to work with him again.
–– She’s called Hand Solo.
The invasive emerald ash borer has destroyed millions of trees – scientists aim to control it with tiny parasitic wasps
–– Bored them to death.
Meet the spotted lanternfly, the bug health officials are begging you to kill on sight
–– Put out their lights.
Ancient four-legged whale found in Egypt named after god of death
–– Sounds pretty trippy.
This adorable rabbit relative sounds an alarm for global warming
–– Gotta love those cute harbingers of doom.
Greenhouse Gas Levels Are The Highest Ever Seen — And That's Going Back 800,000 Years
–– Not sure who was reading dials back then, but, OK.
Caldor fire continues march to Lake Tahoe as winds expected to pick up
–– Wants to get in some windsurfing.
Flying on Southwest has been awful. The company has a fix: Fewer flights
–– Each one even worse.
Researchers identify source of dinosaur-killing asteroid
–– With help of Joe Dante.
The best rain jacket of 2021
–– Wasn’t pour?
Humans Can Develop a Sixth Sense, Study Proves
–– Ours is warning against bogus science.
Eating a hot dog could take 36 minutes off your life, study says
–– Asinine health ‘studies’ far more.
Florida judge rules DeSantis overreached on school mask mandate
–– Was too far up own ass.
Amid pandemic resurgence, Florida’s surgeon general is preparing to leave his post
–– Which he proved to be as dumb as.
‘You are not a horse.’ Dewormer flies off shelves at Florida feed stores to battle COVID
–– Ask neigh-sayers.
When you have autism, masking for COVID can make life harder. But sometimes masks help | Opinion
–– Opinion or Wild Guess?
The US could enter spring of 2022 with Covid-19 under control if enough people get vaccinated, Fauci says
–– Easter Bunny: "Can you believe this guy?"
Trump Supporters Were Asked If They Got Vaccinated And You Know What Happened Next
–– Don't tell us, but did it involve flinging own feces?
Taliban takeover could drive covid crisis in Afghanistan as vaccinations plummet, U.N. warns
–– And Taliban pride selves on embracing science like alchemy.
Alex Jones Flips On Trump, Decides Maybe 'He's A Dumbass'
–– Yes, Alex, he totally is, but NOT because he told bigger jerks to get vaccine.
Texts show William Barr congratulated Trump's impeachment lawyer as his first Senate trial wrapped up: 'You are a STAR'
–– And. You. Look. FAB-U-LOUS!
Rupert Murdoch's NY Post Reportedly Demands Workers Mask Up As It Slams Mask Mandates
–– Masters of Post-irony.
F-bombs and hate mail: Restaurants take heat when they ask for proof of vaccination
–– Fajita-bombs? Fritatta? Flan?
What Provincetown’s Gay Community Can Teach Us About Containing Covid
–– Less depressing when you're in drag.
The record holder for tallest living man in the US dies at 38
–– Came up short.
William Clotworthy, ‘Saturday Night Live’ Censor, Dies at 95
–– Bleeped.
William G. Clotworthy, ‘Saturday Night Live’ Censor, Dies at 95
–– Did they try blood thinners?
Xonia Benguría, Actress in Cuban Film ‘Casta de Roble,’ Dies at 96
–– Now more than four people know that.
Rod Gilbert, Known as Mr. Ranger, Warmed New York to Ice Hockey
–– Lone Ranger.
Don Everly, Who Helped Set Standard for Pop Harmony as Half of the Everly Brothers, Dies at 84
–– Everly after.
Charlie Watts, longtime drummer for the Rolling Stones, dies at 80
–– Watts down?
