Biden the Bullet
Week of 08/20/21
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Desperate crowds, empty flights and rage in Afghanistan at governments who failed to plan
–– Don't earn freakin' flyer miles.
Woman Says R. Kelly Had Her ‘Dress Like a Girl Scout’
–– Enough to make you toss your cookies.
Biden admits Afghanistan's collapse 'did unfold more quickly than we had anticipated'
–– ‘Heh, that’s why I’m wearing this fake neck brace for whiplash. It’s symbolic, of course. But, whew, that was like shit through a goose!’
Taliban spokesman: Afghans 'should not be terrified'
–– Sends journalists scrambling to Thesaurus.
Taliban vow to honor women's rights but within Islamic law
–– Or ‘honor women’s rights circa 1350.’
Trump Calls Withdrawal from Afghanistan ‘Greatest Embarrassment in the History of Our Country’
–– ‘In last seven months!’
Mikhail Gorbachev, who withdrew Russian troops from Afghanistan in 1989, said the American campaign was a 'failed enterprise form the start'
–– Form someone who should know.
Chinese social media users mocked the US troop withdrawal in Afghanistan, saying the Taliban takeover was 'more smooth than the presidential transition in the US'
–– Yeah, free and democratic as Chinese elections.
Afghan security forces’ wholesale collapse was years in the making
–– Though U.S. paid strictly retail.
Afghan president flees country after Taliban enters Kabul, a sign the government has collapsed
–– Ghani goner.
Afghanistan’s military collapse: Illicit deals and mass desertions
–– And lots and lots of heroin.
Marjorie Taylor Greene says Americans deserve assault weapons because the Taliban have them
–– At least we’ve learned important lesson.
What I’d Ask L.B.J., Xi and the Last Afghan King About Kabul and Biden
–– 'First, can I have your autograph…'
VP Harris leaves for trip to Vietnam, Singapore amid Afghanistan fiasco
–– Like she was directing air traffic at Kabul airport.
First-ever water shortage declared on the Colorado River, triggering water cuts for some states in the West
–– Whitewater rafts fitted with wheels.
Editorial Board Calls for Giuliani’s National Disbarment: We’ve ‘Had Enough’ of His ‘Fake News’
–– That took journalistic courage?
A pro-Trump social media service built on 'freedom of speech' isn't moderating some child pornography
–– Includes dirty baby talk.
Trump family friend, associate Ken Kurson re-arrested on cyber-stalking charges
–– Pardon?
Proud Boys supporter pleads guilty to threatening Democratic Sen. Raphael Warnock: ‘Dead men can’t pass laws’
–– Braindead men can be convicted by them.
Skeptical NYC judge grills Fox News attorney about 2020 election lies: ‘Was there any fact-checking?’
–– Or fat-checking of reporters' heads?
MyPillow CEO said he was recently 'attacked' and implied that Antifa may have played a role. It was actually a fan who poked him while taking a selfie.
–– Another pillow sham.
Bachelor in Paradise: New Arrival Demi Burnett Worries the Other Women as She Seeks Out a Date
–– Demi glazed.
OnlyFans to Bar Sexually Explicit Videos Starting in October
–– Particularly disappointing LonelyFans.
Report: Matt Gaetz’s Wingman Has Given the Feds “Years of Venmo Transactions” and “Thousands of Photos and Videos”
–– That had been intended for OnlyFans.
The future of the GOP isn't legislating. It's shitposting
–– Isn’t that future of America?
Andrew Cuomo Says Resignation Was a Favor to New York: 'I Feel Good, I’m Not A Martyr'
–– New York: 'Thanks, you weird bastard.'
As murders surge, Democrats find a new message: Fund the police
–– After defunding roar.
Fact check: No. Californias recall ballot was not designed to help Gavin Newsom and cheat Larry Elder
–– But every sane person praying that’s effect.
Pennsylvania’s election audit 'stopped for the time being.' Here's why.
–– They ran out of hallucinogens.
Disgraced ex-pol Anthony Weiner leaves CEO gig at Brooklyn glass company
–– When they won’t let him etch dick pics into countertops they make.
Multiracial population grew in almost every county in the US. It doesn't mean racism is over
–– Does mean Census changed categories since 2010.
Why the jump in the Native American population may be one of the hardest to explain
–– It's through burning hoop.
Larry David was 'relieved' to be cut from Barack Obama's birthday party guest list
–– Curbed his enthusiasm.
Larry David Calls Dershowitz ‘Disgusting’ in Martha’s Vineyard Screaming Match
–– MV peed.
Becoming the Un-Cuomo: Kathy Hochul’s Rise to the Governorship
–– Already Un-preparo.
Kevin Feige says Disney CEO's 'experiment' comment about 'Shang-Chi' was a 'misunderstanding'
–– Meant ‘failed experiment.’
'Mandalorian' Season 3: A forgotten Fett could solve a huge Star Wars mystery
–– Fett worse than death.
Everything We Know About THE TOXIC AVENGER Reboot
–– Proves Tromatic.
Literal snoozefest Demonic is no comeback for District 9 director Neill Blomkamp
–– Blom’s off the kamp.
Hannah Waddingham and Lena Headey look back on their traumatic Game of Thrones 'wineboarding' scene
–– Still wish producers provided cheese.
Dwayne Johnson and Emily Blunt acted in a 15-foot tank and held their breath for up to half a minute to pull off the underwater sequence in 'Jungle Cruise'
–– Um, uh, wow?
Kelly Clarkson Divorced Her Ex-Husband Due to Fears He ‘Was Using Her For Her Money’
–– aka 'waking up to reality.'
Bhad Bhabie, famous for the 'cash me ousside' meme, now a multi-millionaire
–– Not just bhad, ahwful.
Trevor Bauer accuser testifies the MLB star called her while she was in the hospital with injuries from alleged assault
–– Screwball in the dirt.
Robert Durst Calls ‘The Jinx’ Appearance a ‘Very, Very, Very, Big Mistake’
–– Durst trap?
What Is a Fiasco? How Sony Botched Alex Trebek's 'Jeopardy!' Succession
–– What is ‘who gives fuck?’
LeVar Burton's Jeopardy ratings were lowest of any guest host by no fault of his own
–– But didn't exactly provide LeVarage.
‘Scenes From a Marriage’ Trailer: Oscar Isaac, Jessica Chastain Reunite in HBO’s Bergman Remake
–– Persona non great.
Michael Keaton Says He Returned as Batman in ‘The Flash’ to See ‘If He Can Pull That Off’
–– The cod piece.
Kevin Feige dropped a Loki Season 2 bombshell. Here's what it means.
–– They pray you won’t cancel Disney+ subscription even though there’s no new series for months.
Daniel Craig to give away his millions before he dies as 'inheritances are distasteful’
–– Even Bonds?
John Travolta says Splash was written for him but went to Tom Hanks
–– Splash was sound of his career in toilet thereafter.
Fans React To 50 Cent Wishing Former Rival Fat Joe A Happy Birthday!
–– Here’s the skinny.
How Stephen Lang Turned 'Don't Breathe' Villain Into a Protagonist
–– By someone who might not be entirely sure of word’s definition.
Colin Jost Reveals Son's Name After Birth of Baby with Scarlett Johansson: 'We Love Him Very Much'
–– That’s a mouthful.
“The White Lotus” Star Murray Bartlett Explains The Shocking Twist In The Finale: “Ultimately, No One Wins”
–– All just bad shit.
Beyoncé, 39, shows off her behind in Ivy Park denim chaps: 'Bootylicious'
–– Meaty, beaty big and Beyoncé.
Eminem to play White Boy Rick on 50 Cent's new drama 'BMF'
–– Is he being Rickroled?
Bob Barker Reminisces on Hosting ‘Price Is Right’ Ahead of Show’s 50th Season
–– By actually remembering title.
Britney Spears reflects on insecurities as she posts topless photos: 'Performing made me too self conscious about my body'
–– 'Social media provides perfect level of obsession with my tits.'
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle Think the Queen Didn’t ‘Fully Own’ Royal Racism Row
–– And rest of crap they were selling.
Prince Andrew’s reputation damaged for ever by Giuffre claims, experts say
–– Was sterling like pound before.
New Bob Ross Doc Trailer Hints at Darkness Behind Those ‘Happy Little Trees’
–– And nits in that cheerful ‘fro.
Woman handed note by fellow diner while on first date warning her to “run”
–– Was at track and field meet.
Roaching Is the New Dating Trend That's As Gross As It Sounds
–– Sounds half-cocked.
Former SNL cast member Horatio Sanz has been accused of grooming and sexually assaulting a minor
–– The neat freak.
“Oh my god”: Footage of woman falling over 100ft down water slide goes viral
–– Actually makes sound “f-lume!”
Paris Hilton's cooking show is really about something else
–– How low a culture can sink.
The real reason Lady Gaga's fans are furious over her dog walker
–– They’re Monsters.
Johnny Depp says Hollywood is boycotting him
–– Cancel shtick.
Amber Heard's Dad Was Reportedly Jailed For Running 'Barbaric' Dog Fighting Ring In Texas
–– A ‘J. Depp’ reports.
Israel furious as Poland's president signs bill to limit property claims
–– Tied in Nazi.
United Asks Flight Attendants Not to Tape Passengers to Seats
–– Recommend staple guns.
Chevy dealer replaces customer's Corvette after employee's 148-mph street race
–– In Chevy chase?
Millions of electric car batteries will retire in the next decade. What happens to them?
–– They Dåiehard?
Why Perseverance’s first Mars drilling test came up empty
–– Didn’t persevere?
This Mint Gelato Recipe Tastes Like Summer In A Bowl
–– Toilet bowl, but still…
Shopper Left 'Shaking And Crying' Due To 'Ferocious' Speed Of Aldi Checkout
–– No scan do.
Owner of 'demonic' Chihuahua says adoption ad was 'accurate' — but she has no regrets
–– Dog explained it is what 'the Master wanted.'
Dogs watching sunset while hugging have “better love life” than many online
–– And higher IQ.
Study Uses Science to Confirm That Cuddling a Dog Is Good for Your Health
–– Study authored by Dr. Ralph Ruff.
Russian police dog fetches award in girl’s rescue
–– After mauling Commisar who actually saved her.
Virginia Puppy Swept Away By Ocean Current Saved After Police Spot Dog's Nose Above Water
–– Thrown bacon-scented life preserver.
Fact check: 'Stuckie the Mummified Dog' is real, on display at Georgia museum
–– Has own bone in mouth.
Rottweiler copies yawning man in adorable viral video
–– Which allows man to remove head from beast’s maw.
How to Spot Cognitive Dysfunction in Aging Pets (and What You Can Do to Help)
–– Stop laughing!
Eastern Hemlocks Face Extinction. A Tiny Fly Could Save Them
–– GoFundMe campaign creates buzz.
Deadly 'kissing bug' that kills thousands needs to be taken seriously now
–– Bussted!
Apes say hello and goodbye, just like people do, research shows
–– Chimps in Hawaii sign ‘Aloha’ which confuses bonobos no end.
Teen ‘adopts” bumblebee after it follows her home, pair forms unlikely bond
–– After hospital visit for anaphylactic shock.
Just Like Humans, Lonely Fruit Flies eat More, Sleep Less
–– Up late on pornhive.com.
Unlike Humans, Cuttlefish Have Sharp Memories Even in Old Age
–– But mostly of water.
Carcass Of World's Largest Squid Suggests The "Kraken" Might Be Monogamous
–– Even with reputation for being ‘handsy.’
'Miracle' baby shark born in tank of females living together for decade
–– Tended by creepy Arlo who takes freequent dips.
What does it mean when red-eared sliders eat gravel or yawn? A vet gives some answers on how to best take care of your pet
–– The turtles are almost impossible to understand.
This bald eagle fell from a nest. Now, it’s ready for the wild — with a taste for iguana
–– On its head apparently.
Guess who’s coming to dinner? Roadkill placed on ‘sky tables’ to lure rare birds of prey
–– At Smush Shack.
Skeleton found in Pompeii is so well-preserved, it still has hair
–– Turned out to be donkey-mane merkin, but still…
Ancient Christian Settlement in Egypt Shows Evidence of Urban Planning
–– Town laid out around mega-church.
Rain Fell On The Peak Of Greenland's Ice Sheet For The First Time In Recorded History
–– Change the sleets.
Henri forecast to be 1st hurricane to strike New England in 30 years
–– Still holds grudge from War of 1812.
‘Super Taster’ Who Lost Sense of Smell Is Helping Italians Regain It
–– By not showering for month.
Dolly Parton on $1M vaccine donation: 'Something bad was on the rise'
–– Dolly would.
Biden administration expected to advise Covid booster shots for most Americans
–– Giving idiots third reason to scream.
Texas Gov. Greg Abbott, who opposes vaccine and mask mandates, tests positive for COVID-19
–– Abbott of a joke.
The manager of a New York City pastry shop says she's ignoring the new vaccine mandate for diners - but 'isn't sure what she'll do' if officials show up
–– Custard’s last stand?
Singapore sentences Briton to six weeks in prison for not wearing face mask
–– Or at least Singapore sling.
Sonny Chiba, martial arts star of 'Kill Bill,' dies of Covid-19 complications
–– Come back, little Chiba.
Sean Lock, British comedian, dead at 58
–– Lock out.
Chuck Close, Artist of Outsized Reality, Dies at 81
–– Chucked. Closed.
Chuck Close’s Uneasy, Inevitable Legacy
–– Far be it from us.
